I have a friend whose been married for a few years. Well a couple of months ago she found out her husband had talked to a girl, they both know, on Facebook. They had a somewhat personal conversation and it went on to text messaging. It was only that one time, but he swears it was all a joke and not to be taken serious. I mean, this guys is always flirtatious, with alot of our other friends and we never take him serious...at all. That's just how he is. She is having a hard time with it, believing him I mean. She wants to work it out, and he does too. He even confessed it to her dad and swore it was all a joke. I myself talk to male friends, but all in fun. She even asked the other girl about it and she told her the same thing. And she even apologized to her, hoping it didn't cause any issues in their marriage. I'm trying to help her out, and reassure her it was all just a joke. We all know he loves her and really don't think he would do anything to jeopordize their marriage or family. I honestly think it was all just BS, but do you guys have any advice I can give her??
He admited that it 'looked bad' but it was nothing at all...
There were no plans to meet or anything like that. She read what was said and told me. It was 'sex' talk. I mean I know this girl too and I honestly believe she's not that kind of person. She told him she wanted a divorce, but this was while the fire was still hot. she has since cooled down but it's kinda eating her alive. They just talked about 'sex'. Not with each other. it was about the mood, or being freaky. He confessed everything to HER dad, and she talked to her dad about it. He told her 'all men are stupid'. they just dont' think. What is serious to women, isn't really serious to men. blah blah blah. I mean they both know this girl. He's even cut up with her before infront of my friend, and it never bothered her before. It's just that they went to the extreme to take it to texting. That is what is killing her the most.
You have to let us know what was said...that has a lot to do with it IMO. If they were making a date to get together to DTD then that is a huge problem and not innocent for example. Can you expand?
You know what drives me crazy? Excusing behavior, by saying..."It's just how they are." I could go around hurling insults at strangers and spitting on them and claiming "it's just the way I am." It would not be accepted, because that is a lame, ridiculous, unacceptable excuse. He is MARRIED. He should not be flirting and communicated with other woman...period. There is no, "It was all in fun," or "It's just how he is" excuse. That's absurd. You know who doesn't think it's fun? The wife. The wife who's feeling are apparently completely being ignored. This man is behaving like a single bachelor. Something he is not. Apparently, he feels it's OK to flirt with anyone who is a female. He is NOT single. He is MARRIED. That behavior should be reserved, for his wife only. It doesn't feel like a joke to her and it's not a joke. It's behavior, that shouldn't be tolerated. She sounds like the only person in this situation with her head screwed on right. I feel sorry for her. Her husband sounds like a real tool.
PS. Sex talk in any fashion with someone of the opposite sex, is absolutely inappropriate. He crossed a line. He broke a trust. She won't forget about it over night. I'm shocked another female would think she should. You are trying to convince her to get over it? Seriously???!!! He's obviously no husband of the year and acts like he's single. If he were my husband, he would be single by now.
Its not a joke. Whether they did anything or not, they were both wrong to flirt like that. I know 50 people here will disagree with me. The bishop of our church just had a special meeting with us about how there are several marriages in our church that are ruined right now all because of inappropriate relationships online. Last year, another church leader told us there were 4 divorces going on because of facebook rekindling with old flames. He also said he had an old girlfriend contact him just to tell him how she had turned out, asked him how he was, etc, with no flirting, but he still would copy all her emails and all his replies and send them to his wife.
I dont' think it is very funny. This question always gets asked on here from time to time, in one form or another. There are the ladies that will say, "relationships are all about trust and who needs a jealous, accusing spouse? I have my male friends and they are all platonic." And then there are the other ladies that all say they would be really mad and hurt and consider it breaching marital vows.
Which opinion is safer for a marriage? I also have a friend whose husband moved out of the bedroom and is planning a separation because he met a female on an online game, never physically met her, but fell for her and now is ditching his wife and daughter for the cyberslut.
Just be there for your friend. It sounds as if her husband is trying to downplay this by telling her it's all a joke. Jokes are supposed to be funny- I don't even find this amusing and it sounds as if she doesn't either. He must have crossed the line somewhere with what was said/done.
It will be up to them on how they work through this, but marriage counseling would be a good idea. It might be that when he is flirting with others- it has bothered her, but not enough to say anything- until now- she just might have had enough of her husband flirting with other women.
I think that him treating it as if it were just a big joke is a mistake. He needs to take it more seriously and talk to her about it- not her dad- and he needs to apologize big time- meaning he doesn't do this ever- ever again.
But all you can do right now is give her a big hug and take her out for coffee if she needs to get out. He needs to realize how much he has hurt his wife- even if it was nothing to him- it is obviously something to her and he really needs to consider her feelings on this one.
~C.
Well that is what FaceBook does... it creates BIG problems in relationships and marriages.
But it all boils down to the individuals in the marriage.
My Hubby has a Facebook account. I could care less. He shows me EVERYTHING... and has many male and female "friends" as well as relatives. No biggie in my home.
I KNOW My Husband. He is a 'dude' but he is not stupid. And he knows if he ever pulls anything "stupid" like that... his suitcase is out the door.
Between us, we trust each other. My Hubby does not create "drama" or stupidity... drama. I KNOW he also cannot be conned by stupid flirty women. He is not that dumb.
all the best,
Susan
It can be hard to be around flirtatiou people when you are not. I'm guessing your girl friend may not be at all flirtatious?
I have a couple of neighbors (men and women) who are always making flirtatious jokes (says stuff like "you have the cutest butt" or "your thighs look good"), and even though I know they are kidding around, I find those behaviors unappealing once you are married (or seriously involved).
I don't know if there are a whole lot of advice you can give your girl friend at this time. I'd just wait until she cools down and regains trust in her hubby. While she is cooling down, I might try to talk to her husband on not repeating the same kind of mistake and remind him that he is a married man with a wife who is uncomfortable with flirtatious jokes.
Does she have his passwords etc to his facebook and other email accounts? Can she look at his phone / texts whenever she wants.
Many times when you are trying to rebuild trust this is one way to go about it - if she has access then she will learn to trust him, IF nothing is going on.
Tell your friend good luck!
Maybe it is a joke, but maybe she is thinking do I want to keep being the butt of this joke. I sure wouldn't. He needs to figure out why he keeps this joke keeps going on.
I think, personally, that jealousy is typically a reflection of the relationship whether there is reason to be jealous or not. Some people are jealous because of insecurity with their partner or insecurity in themselves. Other people need their partners to be jealous for similar reasons, so tend to create 'innocent' and 'flirtatious' situations to get their partners reaction.
I don't know the details, but it sounds like there might be some of all of the above happening in your friends case, both with her and her husband. Maybe his flirtations are innocent and just part of his personality, or maybe he feels good when his wife gets jealous even though he acts as if he doesn't like it. Maybe your friend gets jealous of her husband because she is insecure about the closeness of the relationship. Either way, it's a cycle that maybe they both feed for their own reasons and needs.
I'm not sure what you should tell her or what advice to give other than maybe explore with her why she feels her husband is untrustworthy and maybe what her thoughts are on why her husband is flirts. If they are close, maybe she can think of some reasons that have little or nothing to do with her...maybe he has insecurities that she can identify and maybe she has insecurities she can identify.
In my humble opinion, these topics have little to do with whether there is cause to be jealous or not and more to do with quality of relationship with others and the quality of relationship one has with self.
Just my two cents:)
There's not a lot you can do for her other than to lend a sympathic ear. She really should seek some type of counceling so she can get past this. I'm sure it meant it all and fun and to him it was only joking around, but to her it was so much more.
