Need Advice - Nichols, SC

Find out why your hubby doesn't want another child, if it is ONLY financial, point out that another child is another tax deduction and opens you up to be eligible for more federal help programs. We have 5 children and it is really not that hard at all. I buy most of their clothes at Good will or consignment shops and yard sales. Remember, clothes are only new until you wear them and wash them once. I have also learned to pray for what they need or want, like rollerblades, and God always comes thru for us. He is faithful!!

The hardest thing is taking them all out to eat. But we have learned to use coupons and "Kids eat free" nights and it all works out.

Trust God to provide for you. Ask for His leading in this. The bible says that Children are a reward from the Lord. And children bring you such joy, how could you put a pricetag on that??

Also Dr. Phil says that "your fixed expenses are not nearly as fixed as you think." What could you give up to save money? Cable for regular channel tv, DSL for Dial up, Cooking at home instead of eating out? Buying clothing and appliances at second hand stores instead of Wal-mart? There are a million ways to make room for the child you want financially. You can do this. It would be better to take a cheaper vacation as a complete family of 4 than to take a week in the bahamas as a family of 3 with regrets.

W., Flat Rock, NC

I have one son that is soon to be 4 and I am expecting my second child. I am an only child. Some people have mentioned that they see selfish tendencies in me but I don't see it. I never wanted my son to be an only child because of my experiences as a child. I notice that my son has a harder time sharing at times with other kids when they come to visit. He knows that he is suppose to share but he still says, " that's mine". He has gotten better.

Personally I wouldn't want my son to be an only child. I turned out great but I do wish I had an older sibling.

My daughter is "sort-of" an only child. It took us six years to get pregnant with her and we haven't been able to get pregnant yet after almost three years of trying again. However, we became foster parents. We have two wonderful, sweet teenage daughters who are great with our little one. I definitely notice a difference in her now that we have other older girls in the house - in a very positive way.

Hey there! Would you like an only child's perspective? Personally, we decided to have 2 kids because I did see the relationship that my friends had with their brothers and sisters and I felt like I was missing out. On the other hand, there's a lot to be said for being able to have quiet time and privacy - things that are rare with siblings. There will always be things you can afford with one child that you can't with two. It just depends on what kind of lifestyle you want. For instance - if you want them to wear polo - you'll probably have to get it on ebay instead of new! :) At the end of the day - you have to ask yourself (and your husband), which will our child find more valuable - the extra things we can do for him as an only child? Or the relationship he can have with a sibling? NEITHER answer is wrong! It's just a personal choice.

I will say that it is totally possible to avoid the spoiled child thing. While you may be able to provide him with more - you can certainly raise him to not expect it and that he has to earn it, etc. My daddy would have tanned my butt if I'd acted spoiled in any way. As for sharing and such - try to get involved with a playgroup so that he's regularly around other kids and can learn that way.

My last piece of advise is - if you decide to only have the one - get him a pet! He has to have someone to complain to about you and his dad! :) My son has already started this at 2. He was in a timeout and Jordan crawled over to him. He leaned over and sort of whispered in her ear - Mommy's bad!)

Hi A.! I'm in a similiar boat right now in that I want another baby, in another year or so, and my husband, who already has a 13 yr. old, doesn't want any more. (our little one is now a little over 3 months) So all I can say to that is Good Luck!! But, to address your problem - I recently read a study about this exact subject (ammunition to use against the husband. haha) and in that study the experts said that: "Only" children get all of their parents attention, tend towards better grades and being "high achievers", etc. which is great, but they also have to shoulder all of their parents expectations and they're on their own when it comes to caring for elderly parents. They also said that "only" children sometimes have a hard time forming relationships and problem-solving because they didn't get to fight, then resolve issues with a sibling, learn to share toys and parent's attention, etc.. This certainly doesn't apply to all children, but you can take it from there.
On a personal note: there are almost 6 years between my baby brother and I. Growing up, we had very little to do with one another because we were so far apart. Now that we're "adults", we're much closer, but I still feel kind of like a "second mother" to him at times. On the flip side of that, he's 6'5" tall and I'm under 5' and he's taken on more of a protective role in the past. I know he's "got my back", so to speak. There are pros and cons to both sides, but maybe this will help a little. I'd really like for my babies to be about 2 years apart, but we'll just have to see. Good Luck and let us know what you decide.

A., go with your heart and prayer! My oldest is 6 years older than my second child and 7 years older then my 3rd. After I'm gone my kids will have each other to relay on. Watching them now, I know they will have each others back during good and bad times. I make sure they keep close but also have their private/personal time too. good luck!

Ok, I am biased here because I am an only child of a father who was also an only child. It BREAKS MY HEART to see only children. I was very lonely; I always wanted a sibling. I believe that children who are only children lack social skills, as you were mentioning in your question. I think it gets more intense the older the child gets although the behavior becomes less noticiable; it did for me at least. I realized that I could not act out in such negative ways (not sharing-fit when I did not get my way), so I just internalized my feelings of selfishness and lonliness and became very manipulative. A 5 year old should be way past the not sharing stage. I can also tell you there are very few only children that I enjoy being around. This is also true when a family has the youngest child after a large age gap (the "baby" syndrome--IMO they tend to act a lot like only children). However, the saddest part to me is the lonliness as an adult. A few years back my father lost his mother at Christmas time. There was NO ONE there to grieve with him. There was his wife, but it is just not the same. I was overseas (military) and had chosen to come see her one last time while she was living instead of attending the funeral. He was also left to take care of ALL of the funeral arrangements, etc by himself. Then just a couple of months later he lost his father. Now, I look at my own parents aging and I know that I too will face it alone.

I totally understand that you can not force your husband to have another child. I would encourage you to pray that God would change his heart. Children are a blessing, not a burden. I, too, struggle because I want another child (we have 3) but my husband says our house is too small and we can't afford another child. For centuries people have raised several children in 1 or 2 bedroom homes with little to no money and those children were usually better for it. We are spoiled Americans who do not want to make sacrifices in order to welcome another child into our homes and hearts. Just look at the fruit...people with many children typically have more giving, caring children who have strong family ties than those who have just one child.

If you do not have another child, please do three things. Don't spoil him, allow him to visit family and cousins a lot, and set up a plan when you are much older for some third party to handle the finacial and legal aspects surrounding your death so your child can mourn instead of being burdened with all of the work.

I am sorry if I have offended you or if I come across too strongly--you hit a nerve with this question! ;-)

I pray God's blessings on your life!

A.,
I grew up the youngest of 6 (4 boy and 2 girls) and boy let me tell you the play fights we used to get into along with the picking & poking.. well I would like to tell you that my Husband (God bless his soul) was a only child, and between the two of us we have 2 kids.. his is a boy 17 and mine is a girl 14.. and I just would like to say my Husband (being a only child) thinks that when our kids are picking and play fighting that it is happening for real..and sometimes cant handle it... because he did not have it when he was a child it is hard for him to accept as a parent that ,that behavior is normal... he does have a problem with thinking he is a bad parent sometimes because he thinks that kids should not do that... but as you know from having siblings it is normal to you and me but not to a only child... it is something to think about.. if you deside to just have him in your life.. be sure you teach him that siblings do act rough with one enother.. my Husband wishes someone had taught him that when he was young and maybe he would not be having a hard time with our kids thinking that they are killing one enother.. well I hope I could help.. and if you need to ask anything you can reply back to me B.

Sounds like you guys are just making it finically and it might not be a good for you to have another child . . . esp with the finacnces and your husband not on board. It's a decision for you and your husband to make not your child.
My daughter is an only child and she has lots of playdates (every weekend) and learned to share with those friends . . . she does want another sister but I always tell her that it is not going to happen . . .
I've read a bit on only kids and talked to people that have been raised as only kids and they . . . only kids are supposed to be mature because they talk to adults more, smarter, and more spoiled because their parents can afford to give them things . . . and I remember fighting with my brother all the time (we are now close) so there's that too

It's a very personal decision you BOTH need to agree on. My personal opinion is the more the merrier. Children are a blessing fom God and He will help you provide for them. We have 4 and want 2 more. They always have a buddy to play with and I'm not their only source of entertainment, information, etc. When I see starving kids on TV, sometimes I wish I could take them all in and just figure it out. You'll know what to do.

A.,

Being a school nurse, you know that each child is different and their personalities differ as well. I think you'll get positive responses from parents of only children, and I'm one of them. My daughter is 12 and just finished the 7th grade and has always wanted a sibling ... I think it's natural for them to question it and want what other friends have.

I always noticed a difference in my daughter when compared to friends that had multiple children. Her friends that have older siblings are more apt to want to follow in their big brother/sister's foot steps and sometimes 'acted' older than my daughter, even though they were close in age. Again, I think this is natural.

I also think the only people you'll hear about 'only child syndrome' from is folks with multiple children. The older your son gets, the more he will appreciate being an only child - not having to share toys, a room, or mom & dad's attention. I have a few adult friends that are only children and have expressed this to me. Ultimately, you and your husband are the ones to make the decision to have, or not to have more children, so don't let what other people, (or your 5 year old) think deter your feelings ... he'll be fine!!

And yes, I have 3 siblings of my own, so having just one child was a different way of life for me, but one that has turned out to be great. Good luck!

S. L

I personally think that only children have more advanced social skills than their counterparts with siblings. I pretty much grew up an only child- I have two half brothers which are much older and were grown and out of the house by the time I can remember anything. Because I didn't have a sibling to do things with or grow up with in the house, I always had to step outside the comfort zone and make friends on my own. For this reason, I was not shy or lacking in any social skills, nor was I ever lonely. I made friends easily and was popular in school. I also think that only children are more creative and have more ingenuity, since they are excellent at finding ways to entertain themselves.
The only problem I have with only children is the burden they will bear when their parents are elderly. Not only do they not have anyone to help with caregiving, they have no one to go to for emotional support when times get rough.
As for sharing- My mother in law has 9 brothers and sisters, and they are the worst at sharing anything. If you give an inch, they take a mile to the point where it is downright rude. ALL of them are like this. So the sharing thing doesn't really matter if you are an only child. It's my observation that it is worse the more siblings you have!
It is really a tough call to make, but don't worry that your child will be scarred or missing out if you do not have another child. It really all depends on the child and the social skills you install in them. I wish you the best of luck on whatever decision you make.

I don't know if I have any advice, but I can totally relate. My husband and I have been married for 5 years (but together for 11). We have a 4 year old son and a little angel in heaven. My son has also been asking for a brother or sister for the last 6-7 months. My husband used to want 3 or 4 children, but since our daughter died and since our son is getting more independent, he doesn't want to have another one and start all over. However, it is my heart's desire to have another child. I have seen the "only child syndrome" as well. Plus, both of my parents had 3 siblings and so I grew up with a lot of family getting together and being there for each other. I don't want my son to miss out on that either. I also don't want to wait too much longer because my sister and I are 7 years apart and we did not get along until I went away to college and I don't want that to happen. Anyway, sorry I couldn't be much help, but at least you know you are not alone.

A.,

Children with siblings do behave the same way as your son. I have two boys, 11 and 9, and the older boy has never been good at sharing. Even at 11 he still has issues with sharing and wants everything to go his way. His younger brother is very laid back and easy going. I think it is just personality differences.

Hi, In my professional opinion-Y there is a difference. Some positive, some negative. I have had major problems with sharing and playing with others. But you say your child is good. In my personal opinion, We are social creatures. If you are going to reproduce-REPRODUCE. I have a hard time with "Only children". I think they become "Lonely children". None of us ever have enough money. Its not like your looking to hv 10 more. Siblings are healthy to have. They teach each other-things parents can't. And just think when your child gets older and gets married, he will one day have nieces & nephews. One day, you & your husband may not be around. Wouldn't it be nice if your child had someone else around. Take it from experience. I was parentless at 18 and my brother was 16. We had each other and we knew what we were going through. YOu never know what life is going to give you. Take a chance, if it doesn't happen-It is not meant to be. Do it now while your still young and while your child is still young. You have a good job and sometimes we have to sacrifice for our family. Love is more important that objects.
Sorry, you wanted an opinion and I am opinionated on this subject.
Also, I would like to add: I have 2 children, one disabled. I feel like my son doesn't have a typical sibling-and he doesn't. But even his sister has taught kindness, unconditional love, forgiveness, etc. And he does just well playing & sharing with other kids.