Need Advice.. - San Antonio,TX

Honestly, be thankful for them. I used to cringe everytime one of the grandparents would show up. However, I lost my mom to cancer almost 4 years ago, 11 months to the day of her passing, we lost my MIL & BIL in a head-on collision, my hubby's grandparents are all now gone, my grandparents are no longer able to travel and my dad chooses not to go anywhere now that my mom's gone. There are days I would love to see at least one of them standing outside my door.

Now, dealing with the house issue--buy a mess of 'get well' cards and set them up all over the place. Maybe they'll be quiet if they think you've been sick :)

Be thankful for them that they love him so much! As far as advice on your home, you can always make their comments into a joke- like : You should clean this place up! Oh,well you see I have a very active 2 year old as you know that can destroy things quicker than I can clean up! Or I'm not that concerned with the messiness of my home, I would rather focus on my child and his happiness! Best of luck to you and try to let their comments not effect you--they mean well, they just think they are right. Love them as they are, and move on.

Molly

Since they love to see their grandson so much, use that time to clean! Have them take him to the park or for a walk or an ice cream. If you feel like your house is clean enough then just smile & tell them that it's hard to stay on a schedule when you always have company, maybe they will get the hint.

As far as them being "obsessive" well I say let them. But that's probably because my mom died 11 years ago so she never met her grandkids, I have never known my father & the only family I have is my sis & her 2 kids. My in laws are NOT involved hardly ever in my kids lives. So in a way you are very fortunate your son is being loved by multiple people & you aren't having to make excuses to him about why his grandparents are never around. GL

Well, be glad (I guess) that they want to be involved. Grandparents are like that-crazy about the grandkids.
Why are they telling you about the cleanliness of your home? Even if they have a valid point, it's rude.

They just want to make sure he is okay, I guess. I would be thankful for them. I live 15 hours from my family due to the military. What I wouldn't give to have them obsess over my kids....... not to mention the free babysitting so I can get out of the house from time to time.

R., Maybe you could start instituting a new routine. Maybe have the grandparents over for dinner once a week to start a family tradition (Sunday dinners) or something like that. Tell the grandparents your trying to get him on a new schedule and want to start that. The past poster is right in that your lucky to have grandparents who care. But she is wrong in that you should have to have them in your home all the time. It is frustrating when you would like nothing more than to just snuggle with your son in your pj's all day and have to be up and have the hosue ready for company. They are being obsessive and you will have to figure a way of fixing it without alienating them.

my advice might not help you much. count your lucky stars. my hubbys mom died right before we had our son. my parents live three and a half hours a way. his dad visits but dosent relate to kids very well. from being on the other side of the fence. your grass is so green its glowing. and perhaps glowing green grass isnt what you want. its your house too. your boyfriend is the one that is suppose to say something to the parents. my parents as well as my fil talk about the house...some times he complements it and other times he is very rude. but i can and do tell him some things some times if he hurts my feelings about it. he can take it though. my folks i just let it slide because its rare i see them. you can hint by saying a shocked tone "oh" it really is a passive way to get in there head about what they are saying. as far as them coming over all the time ask them to take the kids! or have them over for dinner. tell them you need a break from visitors for a day. that you love them and want to see them soon but need a day. or leave! go to the beach for the after noon. well seguin that might be far ... how about the natural bridge caverns or another place that can be a day trip. ultmitaly you need to get your boyfriend to actually tell them. thats the right thing to do...if he dosent tell him you are going to for your sanity. best of luck.

if this is your home and your child and your relationship (with BF), then you should take more control. Set your own boundaries, and don't wait for your BF to enforce them. If you don't want to tlak to them when they call, then don't answer your phone. I talk on the phone when I want to. If they ask you something that you don't want to discuss with them, tell them, "Oh, I don't want to talk about that. (Or "I've got that taken care of.") How was your day today?" Take control of your life. If they just drop by, take your time to answer the door and then let them know that you only have a few minutes because you're busy. They don't have to know with what; you have the right to just be, especially in your own home. If their children are still young and somewhat dependent, then they still see themselves in the parent role, the umbrella covering all of you. As you establish your independence, they will probably pull back.

Of course, it helps if your BF can support you and stand up to them on this, but it's not necessary. Discuss your concerns with him, and let him know how you will be handling things from now on because you want to spend time with your immediate family and establish yourself as a family. Do not frame it in a complaint. Just share with him this peaceful way that you would like to conduct your life.

As you do this, keep in mind that you put distance between you and your family, but he did not do that with his, so you cannot expect him to have your response to this. You don't mention his age, but 19 is very young, and it makes sense that his family feels the need to look in on you guys more often, especially with a baby. Don't be angry with them about it. Unless you show them that you don't need of particularly desire that, they have no reason not to come by all the time. You don't mention your ethnicities, either, but some ethnic cultures are more doting than others, with tighter apron strings.

I am 21 weeks pregnant with my first birth child, and my mother has already asked for a key to my house, more than once. She has warned that she'll be there all the time and expects to come in at night when she gets excited and wants to be with her grandbaby. I don't necessarily expect that, but I expect her to be beyond super-excited. Is it possible that these grands are just really excited about their new grandchild and live close enough to always be around?

Honestly, I am kind of offended by your post. There are MANY, MANY children out there that would love nothing more than to have love and attention from a grandparent and they can't... either because the GP's are deceased, not involved, live far away, etc. The love and bond between a grandparent and a grandchild is a very special thing and the fact that you don't see that honestly makes me wonder what kind of parent you are. If you are finding it difficult to set boundaries with them, seems to me that is more of a problem that you and your boyfriend are having... not a problem with the grandparents. I like the idea another responder suggested about using their quality time to work on housecleaning, etc. Alot of moms would give anything for a spare moment to have their child in safe care of loved ones, while mom can catch up on a few things around the house or just a few minutes to themself. If you think your house is clean enough, then smile and tell them that you appreciate their input, but that you think your house is just fine. Honestly, I just don't think you realize how lucky you are.

Hi R., I am a new grandparent and I understand both sides and I agree with most of the folks, that you are lucky that they are excited about their grandson and want to spend time with him. But it is important to talk to them and let them know how you feel, that at times their presents can be too much for you, that you enjoy when they come to visit but you still need your alone time to bond and learn more about each other and it's difficult to do if your always haveing company. Unfortunatly we can be overbaring parents and grandparents at times, mostly not intentional, we want to make as many memories before an oppotunity is missed forever. You said their Son is your boyfriend, so for them it could also be an insecurity feeling, because you'll are not married, there is a sense of one day you and your son could leave, no strings attached and they are worried they may never see him for a long time, or ever again. It's Best if you discuss with them how you feel, and let them tell you their concerns as well, or they will continue, not knowing how much this is upsetting you. Don't assume they already know and are doing it to intensionally. They could also be filling a void in their own lives if they have no more of their own children still at home. It is best to set a good understanding from the begining.
However, if they are still over powering after you have spoken with them, then yes by all means do what Sherry suggested and "Tell the grandparents your trying to get your son on a new schedule and you want to start a family tradition" and let them decide which 2 days of the week is good for them, and not everyday. This way your not hurting them or as Sherry said alienating them My parents Iive in another country and I wish they were close enough for my children to have spent more bonding time with them, the way I did with my own grandparents, and yet I had to set gound rules for my in-laws to not be overbearing, but to help me as I was a very young Mother. It worked out great with me, but my brother in law and his wife feel my mother in law is too much, because my sister-in-law did not set similar boundries.
On the other hand both my husband and I have bonded with our grandson more than we probley should have. Our Son's girlfriend and her son moved in with us right as she came out of the hospital when our grandson was 4 days old and he will be 2 yrs this October. We got so close as if he was more our son than a grandson, as he slept between my husband and I since his mother worked nights. But when she came home she would kiss him or play with him if he was still awake at 2 am and then go to her room, so we have been the ones with him almost 24/7 though his every two hour feedings, burping, rocking him to sleep, changing dipers, bringing his fever down all night long while he's cutting teeth, taking care of runny noise and then making sure he gets breakfast, lunch and dinner, has his bath, etc as if he's our own son. Recently however she and our grandson moved out of state for a month to stay with her grandparents but then they moved back to Texas, but is home with her Mother, and we are all going though major withdrawals, and concern that she may be neglecting him as she did when they lived with us. But you know God is taking care of our little snuggle bug, as she has stepped up the the task and is bonding with him finally and is careing of him the way a mother should, which we prayed and knew she would as the situation changed. It is very hard for my husband and I not to want her to bring him everyday or leave him with us every weekend, and we could tell her about the things he likes and dislikes, but that is his Mother and she will learn on her own, I can offer advise, but at the end of the day, it's only advise, she has to do what's best for her and her son. And I can still pray everyday for God's hand of protection over them both. Trust me we want to be with him like before every minute of every day, and we that would make us that overbearing grandparent , it's hard to step back, but we know we have to or we could risk loosing him forever.
As for keeping your house clean, it's hard with a 2 year old around and it's a good idea to use the time he spends with his grandparents to do your cleaning, but like Amy said "If you think your house is clean enough, then smile and tell them that you appreciate their input, but that you think your house is just fine. You can also ask for their suggestion to help show you a better way to juggle a 2 yr old and keep a home spotless, but remind them its a suggestion, it may not work for everyone. Enjoy some of the Blessings you do have, and work though the unpleasentries. Good Luck.

Please be thrilled that they love him so much. I really expected my mother to be all over her grandchildrena and though she is loving, she isn't there for us as much as I thought or need her to be.

The house cleaning comments are definitely not appropriate. If they truly bother you, you can let them know that you would love their help cleaning or "why don't you take Johnny to the park so I can clean up?" They seemed to have forgotten that a young child takes tons of time and energy.

Hi R.! I think most of the moms here have never experienced what you have and have no business telling you how thankful you should be.
I know what it's like to have obsessive inlaws and it has made a LOT of trouble in our home.
In our case, my son (then 4-5 years old) started acting cruel to me because he picked up on my inlaws attitudes toward me.

Set boundaries for sure! This is YOUR home and YOUR child. Don't tell them where you are going for the day, start saying "It's not a good time to visit right now" and set up a time for them to come over, and only tell them what is necessary for them to know.
The more you share about your son's daily activities, the more they will feel entitled to taking over the situation, or at least entitled to tell you how wrong you are doing everything.

So, I hope these people cut you some slack. We are constantly working on boundaries with my inlaws and people just don't understand until THEIR lives are being completely taken over by obsessive grandparents.

Hang in there! Remember, you are not the bad guy for setting boundaries! They will probably make you feel that way, but YOU are the mom and you set the rules for your home.

My in-laws are the same. We see them once or twice every weekend (say, Friday night and then all day Sunday), and occasionally MIL comes over on Wednesdays, too, because she just "misses her grandaughter so much."

I also get the housecleaning comments. I don't think MIL is being malicious, she really just doesn't understand that she sounds that way.

Try this - send them an e-mail, inviting them specifically to come to dinner on Friday night, or Sunday or whenever. Even if it's just for pizza. The point is the invitation. Then every couple of months or so, reverse the invitation. "It seems like y'all are always coming over here, and I don't want to be trouble for you. How about this time, we pick up some Chinese or whatever you'd like and come over there to treat you guys?" Also, say once/month, ask if little one can spend the night so you and SO can go out. Basically, pre-emptively arrange times that are good for you. And believe me, it was sooo worth it to put down a little extra cash so that we could get a second carseat just for grandmom and pop's car. Now when they pop over to see the little one, I can easily suggest they go for ice cream or to the park - which I think they prefer, since they get the one-on-one without me "hovering."

I've come to realize, that my in-laws were very young when they got married, and very young when they had their children. They also lived very close to both sets of their parents. (Next door.) To them, it was natural that the grandparents would be extremely involved with every facet of the little ones' upbringing. My MIL admits that she never bathed her children as infants - the grandmothers came over every day and did it. So when my eldest child was born, my MIL was very excited to bathe her. I wonder how many other things MIL missed that she's trying to make up for now? I wonder if your in-laws are the same way?