Need Advice -- 5 Year Old and 'Friends' Behavior in Pre-school

Updated on July 31, 2013
J.R. asks from Washington, DC
11 answers

Hi All. My almost five year old is very happy this year in pre-school and runs in every day. Cries when he is sick because he misses preschool....That is a good context. My question: there is one of his 'friends' who I know has problems with others (which is what the teacher told me)...One month ago he teased my son in front of everyone on how he runs. We dealt with it. Taught my son that if a 'friend' does not act like a friend, he does not have to play with him. And...we enrolled our son in a special gym class to work on our running. :) This past week this same 'friend'...took my son's water bottle and put in a red marker. Turning the water red and then coloring the bottle. My son brought the bottle to the teacher...which I am proud he did. And then moved on. He loves his class. My son still loves his class. My question is: what do I teach my son about the incident? and apparently the teacher did not 'discipline' the friend...should i speak with her or just let it go as something that just happens.

Thanks for any insights ahead of time....

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R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Let it go as something that happens. Maybe the teacher didn't discipline the kid, because it wasn't warranted. I think you have to trust the teacher's judgment.

This stuff is nothing, in the scheme of raising a child.

2 moms found this helpful

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H.W.

answers from Portland on

Keep up with teaching him about discerning 'friend' behavior from mean behavior. Would a person who cared about you mess up your water?

Teachers cannot solve all of life's battles. Especially if she didn't see the kid do it. Instead, teach your boy about how friends treat each other. That will give him a better foundation for future situations.:)

6 moms found this helpful
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P.K.

answers from New York on

Let it go. U fortunately, things like this will happen during the course of his school years. Kids can be mean. Sad but true. He will learn to navigate these things as he gets older.

5 moms found this helpful

X.O.

answers from Chicago on

Just because your 5 year old didn't see a punishment administered doesn't mean that the teacher failed to adequately address the marker-water incident.

Tell him that you're proud of him for letting the teacher know, and reiterate that friends don't do unkind things like that to one another.

4 moms found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

Your son is 5, he will be in Elementary school soon.
Just keep teaching him... how to choose friends.
How to speak up.
How to be himself and know himself and to stand up for himself and tell the Teacher and all the good stuff.

Once he enters school, there will be lots more kids and things that occur and some kids are just not nice etc.
Teach him how to problem solve and what not.
I began teaching my kids these social things since they were Toddlers, SO that, once they entered into Elementary school, they would know and understand and etc. And they were fine.
Now, per that boy that turned your son's water red, well good, he told the Teacher. And he loves his class. Good. But, like any class and in school, there will always be... other kids that do jerk like things. To other kids. But a kid can still love their class and Teacher. And you cannot make a repulsive kid, leave the class. It is about, life, and just knowing who you are and your boundaries, and not being a copy-cat or follower of other kids, because, there will ALWAYS be other kids in a class or school, that is not nice or they are just sassy or have icky personalities.
It is how to choose, friends and navigate socially, etc.
So teach your son that and continue to.

Whether or not, the Teacher disciplined that boy who turned your son's water red.... is unknown. Because, your son does not know, if the Teacher did anything to that boy or not. AND also, there is the "privacy" of students, which a Teacher is responsible for maintaining. A teacher, cannot just go around telling everyone, what they did to another child per discipline or not. Or if she called the kid's parent or not. Or she may have disciplined the child, privately. You don't know that.
You can ask the Teacher, IF she disciplined that boy. Sure. Ask her.
But she does not have to get into fine detail about it and itemize everything she did to the boy. That is between the boy and her and/or the parents.
Sure, hopefully the Teacher disciplined that boy.
He seems to have a history of causing trouble. So hopefully the Teacher KNOWS that.
And the thing is, do you know for SURE, that it is THAT boy, that put the marker in your son's water bottle and turned it red? Did your son, actually SEE the boy do, that???? Or not??? If your son did not actually see the boy do that, then the Teacher, CANNOT.... reprimand that boy. She did not see it, herself. Or, some Teachers will talk to the entire class... to ask if anyone saw a child do that, and get to the bottom of the problem and to see WHO, did it.

Unless your son actually SAW that boy, do it... the Teacher or he, cannot "blame" the boy in question.

And, per the teasing that that boy does to your son... well that is done in front of everyone. Does the Teacher SEE IT and do anything about it?????
She should.
Don't they have rules, about behavior?
It is also the school's problem. Not only your son's.
And teach your son, to speak up.

And teach your son, that boy is not a friend.

Just because, one child is a jerk, does not mean a child cannot still enjoy their school/class/Teacher.
ALL throughout school, there will be icky kids.
Once, a boy punched my son in the chest. The Teacher dealt with it and the boy and reported it to the school and Counselor and to me and the other Mom. Fine. My son STILL loved his class and the Teacher and all the other students.

4 moms found this helpful
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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I'd make sure that this boy was not in my son's Kindergarten class this fall. They can do this for you if they want to. Tell them he's bullying your child and that you don't want them together. They should keep them separate.

2 moms found this helpful

T.F.

answers from Dallas on

This is normal and it will go on throughout his school career. Let it go.

Children have to learn how to get along with each other. All children are not sweet little angels!!

I teach a lot in the 1st grade and one thing we do to help get children to work out their own issues (minor issues not major) is our saying.. "See 3 before me". This enables the children to work together to solve an issue with a playmate, etc. If they are not successful with resolving the issue, of course we are there to help.

As for punishment... If we see something happen in class, our first course of action is a verbal warning. if it happens again, we start with 5 minutes out of recess time to sit and think about it and this can go on until a child loses the entire recess time.

IF something is done, it is brought to our attention, yet we didn't see the incident, we question all children involved to get to the bottom of it. Any punishments from that point on are not made public to the class.

There will be issues all along the way and you have to pick your battles on which ones you want to fight. Let your son enjoy his class as he is now. He is growing emotionally and learning to deal with different personalities. Don't discuss the other boy being mean or anything like that in front of your child or to your child. Believe me... I've seen some embarrassed moms when a child repeats something he/she heard at home in front of the teacher and others.

Hang in there and be there for your son along the way.

2 moms found this helpful
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B..

answers from Dallas on

I am pretty sure the teacher address edit in some way. I think I would let it go till a parent/teacher conference.
Let your kid enjoy the class and not stress about this kid.
I sure wouldn't let this bothersome kid send me to a class on running. But if he really did need help then that's ok.
Don't give this bad kid attention. Concentrate on your kid.

2 moms found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

The boy continues to bully your son. It is perfectly acceptable to go talk to the teacher about the continuing problem. She doesn't understand that the boy is doing this specifically to your son. This way, she can deal with the boy better (she should). How will the boy learn to act better if the teacher doesn't deal with the REAL issue?

1 mom found this helpful
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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

There is really nothing to teach him. Someone did something to his property; he brought it to the attention of the teacher; he moved on. What is there to teach? He did the right thing; it wasn't a big enough incident to carry on over - he obviously knew that and moved on. You need to take a page from his book and move on.

BTW, this is NOT bullying. Two small incidents over a month does not make bullying. If you go to the teacher and tell them you don't want the kids together next year because of these two incidents, they are going to roll their eyes and you will be "THAT" mother.

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J.K.

answers from Gainesville on

I would talk to the teacher about making sure this kid stays away from other kids' food and drink. That's pretty basic and important, considering food allergy, hygiene, and illness transmission issues. I think it's very important to make sure your kid doesn't get poisoned. Not that this kid was doing anything other than mean kid things, but messing with someone else's food and water supply is very much not ok.

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