Need Advice - Maple Shade, NJ

Hi E.,

I would suggest that you all set up a Family Group Decision Making Conference.

The International Institute of Restorative Practices uses this method to resolve conflict/problems in families.

Call ###-###-####

Hope this helps. D.

"My husband says he can't do anything". What?! He CAN'T? You poor thing having to deal with this family that is constantly shirking reponsibility and passing the buck. You seem to be the only one taking any inititaive and here you are not even related by blood (good for you, but it's a shame nonetheless).

DADDY NEEDS TO STEP UP AND PARENT HIS SON. You can even use those words. He unfortunately cannot force the mother to do it so he will have to step up (forget the weekend parent guilt...he is still that boy's father). His mother is absolutely RIDICULOUS stating that a human being who calls another human being a hurtful, masogyistic and racist name is somehow NOT responsible for doing so. WHY NOT? Did someone have a GUN to this kids head instructing him to do so? That is the only was this kid may not have been responsible. Is the mother saying that he got the language from her?! Man, I feel for the mess you are in. ((hug)).

Dad needs to "man up".Simple as that. He needs to talk to and discipline that child. You have enough to worry about with a toddler. Good luck, honey.

p.s If this kid is doing this at age TEN and NOT being disciplined I all but guarantee you he will be in juvenile detention by age 16. Seriously. I've seen it again and agian.

DAD's the PROBLEM!!! Point blank. A father is the primary role model for a boy. If he is not at LEAST matching up to the mom in power struggles, than there is nothing you can do as the third parent in line. Especially only on weekends. If your husband has decided to feel guilty and secondary in his son's life, there really is no hope for this. See if you can think of any way to convince him of this, but again, you probably can't control him.

It is heartbreaking to be in a family you can't control and to see your stepson who you love going down the wrong path.

All you can do, is be yourself. State your case to your HUSBAND in private. Be supportive to him and tell him how important to his son's character. Don't degrade him for failing so far, just make it like, "I know you can do it, your son needs you" And let it go. State your case to his mom (if you want), but I would say that is pointless and would make her rebel more and be more of a bad example to spite you, or even just because that's who she is. She's obviously not an elevated soul if her ten year old thinks it's OK to use hurtful racist language to peers. She wants to be the good guy in his eyes if she's taking the pity and "it's not his fault" approach.

Be good to your step son. Raise your own son well. Set a good example in your home for the times you have your stepson. State your disapproval calmly for his wrong actions, but you really can't do anything or make anyone else do anything. You can't tell his mom, his primary care giver what to do. Only his father can, and he obviously isn't...for fear of....getting scolded by her?...not sure what he's so scared of. Certainly not having his kid grow up to be a criminal.

Try your best to have your husband be strong with him in discipline and values-its 100 percent his job. Even if the boy "doesn't like it" and seems to prefer the mom, in the long run, if he knows his dad's heart and what he allows and approves of, he may make better choices one day.

It's a bad situation, I'm really sorry!

PS: I would get a hold of some good movies or something in which heroes are A) Mexican, or B) Not racist, so he starts to see that even though his own little click of rednecks )or his mom)hates Mexicans, or thinks it's OK to say such things, it's not a proper world view, just start planting seeds with some material like that...I may get back to you with some titles!

Hi E.,

This is a tough one. I have a stepson, too, who is 15, so I am going to tell you how we handle these things.

You see, my fiance and I have an agreement when it comes to our children. He remains the expert on his child, and I remain the expert on mine. We, as partners, have the right to have our input, but when it comes right down to the point of decision and action, it is the natural parent's job to do that. I discipline my own daughter, and he disciplines his own son. If I want to set a rule, such as, "stepson is not allowed to change the settings on my computer", I relay that message through his father, and his father has a talk with him about respecting me and my limits and my property. The same goes for my daughter.

What this does is lets the natural parents parent the children. Don't take the responsibility out of your husband's hands just because you are willing to step in. Believe me, as much as I'd LOVE to set my stepson's boundaries and rules for behavior myself, and even provide discipline for him myself, it is still best for him to be parented chiefly by his natural parent.

And that frees me to be his adult friend! He can run to me for help with all manner of things from homework to advice to help picking out clothes. And he does. We get along perfectly, he is very affectionate and protective of me, and he loves me very much. But I am not his mother (even though he does call me Mom) and that gives room for his own mother to be as much a part of his life as she can.

My fiance does the same for my kids. Helping them fix their cars, tutoring with math homework, giving them another point of view about things, but when it comes down to needing a strategy for dealing with my daughter's school, that is between me and her father, and my fiance respects that, even though my ex husband lives 8 hours away.

So, in your case, I'd say, that it really is up to your husband to talk to his ex-wife and iron out a strategy to help their child. Talk to you husband first, and come up with a game plan, such as what kind of rules you are going to set for your home and what you think is best for the son. And have him talk to the ex and let her know what he thinks ought to be done. Your husband is the child's father, so it is not true that nothing can be done. Something can always be done, but it isn't up to you to tell the mother she isn't doing him any favors, it is up to your husband. Step back and let the natural parents parent the child, and you be the child's adult friend. It sounds like he might need a friend more than anything.

L.

If the mom is calling to let you know what has gone on then maybe your husband should call and talk to his son. For day to day infractions then your husband is right, there isn't much he can do, its up to his mom to take care of it. You also wouldn't want all his contact the rest of the year to be only when he's in trouble so there needs to be a balance of good conversations too. This however is more serious.

I don't think you should do anything because this is your husbands son and he needs to take care of this. When your step son is at your home you can have some input but from other successful step parents I've heard its best to let the biological parent have the final say and you be in an advisory position. (this works is the biological parent is fair and consistent in their discipline).

Your husband needs to find out what is going on at school, maybe even contact the school and find out what has gone on and show that he is stepping up to the plate. He needs to express his disappointment at your sons behavior and then ask him what he is going to do to change it. Your husband also needs to express his love for him and faith that he can do a better job.

Does your son have any possessions at your house? Maybe Dad could say no x-box or whatever this summer. You can still have fun and spend time together, just maybe not in the way hes used. (It may end up being a good thing in the end). However he can not take away and x-box at his moms house unless he and his ex-wife agree on that.

Good luck

E.,
I've gotta agree with the posters who say that your husband NEEDS to step up to the plate and handle this situation. I know he's not with you 90% of the time, but maybe you and your husband can make some headway over the summer.
He needs to sit with his ex and come up with a plan of structure, acceptable/unacceptable behavior, and consequences for his actions. It CAN be done but they both need to be committed, as parents of this boy. He needs a strong father now, maybe more than ever.
He cannot "give up" just because he & his ex are no longer together--that's like punishing the kid for their actions and letting him down with regard to the gift of manners, rules, etc. that all kids need and deserve.
As his step mom, maybe the boy will open up to you as an "unbiased" third party and you (along with husband, can apply info to the situation, but I really think it's up to the two of them to formulate a plan.
I'm not discounting the role of a step-parent, as I had a wonderful stepfather who was more like a father to me than my own, but his style was different than a biological father. More impartial, reserved but solid, firm and strong. Be that to your step son and he will love you forever. Good luck & God bless!

Unfortunately, you can't really change how a mom chooses to raise her son. It is one of the hardest things in the world. You can, however, teach your step-son that there are different rules in different households. You and his dad can model positive behavior, you can teach him appropriate words to use (no swearing) and you can teach him that when he calls people names he's really only showing off how little HE knows, not saying anything about them really. I used to tell my children that using 4-letter words was a sign that they were too dumb to know any bigger and better ones. Once, they caught me issuing one, and told me it was a sign of a poor vocabulary -- and I agreed. They were 100% right !

Rather than punishing him, especially because this didn't happen "on your watch", why don't you ask him questions about the incident. What was going on that he took the rap for. If you call the school and find out the school's story line, then you will know when the two don't add up. You can ask questions and ask questions and LISTEN to him. When you know he is lying, don't say, "YOU"RE LYING!" get him to tell you contradictory information, and then ask how this can be true when he just said that the other thing was true.

Why does he dislike this girl ? Was she picking on him ? Was he trying to "look like a big dude" in front of his friends? Maybe you can help him to think about how she felt when he called her those names. And, frankly, I think one of the best disciplinary things, would be for him to have to apologize. I don't think you're in the position to enforce that -- it didn't happen on your watch and you aren't his mom -- but if in talking about it, he exhibits any concern for the girl, you could suggest, "If you were to apologize to her, what would you say?" He's young, so he'd fidget for a while over that one, but if you can help him to verbalize it, and find the right words(suggest some, as a coach), then you might be able to say, "Do you think you are a big enough guy to say those words to her?" And let it go. He'll think about it some, and who knows, maybe he WILL apologize. Maybe not. But he will have thought about it some.

Your step-son is 10. He's growing into the ages when he will begin to make more and more of his own decisions, and the best way you can help him is to help him to think through the decisions he makes. Talk at the dinner table about decisions that face you and how you handle them. Get his input in family discussions about what decisions could be made and why. Exhibit concern for others, and he will learn to see life through other people's eyes as well as his own. Simply coming down with a hard hand of discipline isn't going to help him to steer his own way through life. He needs encouragement, understanding and an age-appropriate challenge to change his behavior when it doesn't line up. But the more you and your husband include him in your conversations, and listen to him, and both applaud and challenge him, the more he will respect the input he gets from you, and he'll even seek it out at times.

Raising kids is a HUGE challenge, raising them when they aren't with you 24/7 is even bigger, so you have to come up with ways to encourage and suggest, and be in touch that are more creative than you would if he lived in your own household.

Good luck !!
b

E.,
You sound sooo mature and loving . Good for you . keep doing what you are doing .
now; the problem is NOT you . the problem is your 'HUSBAND' he M_U_S_T_ take immediate action as his child does wrong [ it is a rule !!!!!] we have determined: a] you care way too much [ this is good]
b] mommy is tooo easy on her son [ not unusual- she wants to be his friend]
c] his daddy is ' non- reactive' ??????? to an issue that concerns his son , the school , his peers and familys... w-o-w- .. makes you wander . ????
you stay out of this .... he is not your ' son ' [ however you truley love & care ] ' son' has 2 parents in good health and mind set ....just lazy .
This issue is not on the same level as X calling & saying son will not wear the red shirt you gave him blah blah ..... this is a r-e-d- f-l-a-g- ... he is starting to act out and to top this ... HE HAS PERMISSION TO ACT OUT OF LINE FROM HIS LAX MOMMY AND DO NOT CARE DADDY >...HE WILL CONTINUE TO DO NEGATIVE STUFF OVER AND OVER .... HE KNOWS HOW TO PLAY MOMMY AND DADDY ... you are on to him ! remain silent and make eye contact at the son ...
daddy must fix this .... mommy choose her position ... daddy has to step up and be a MAN to show his son HOW TO BE A MAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
or, good luck at the bailsman ....he is going to be great trouble .... heed the warning ....
good luck
a son 'needs' a man in his life.[ and a loving , kind step mom too]
t

Hi E.,

I don't think it is over stepping your boundaries to express your feelings and thoughts to his mom. You and your husband has to "put up" with the way his mother raises him when he visits you. Do it in a loving way saying that you are concerned for him and his future and you see how he is changing and not for the better. Try not to put the blame on her or else it could cause a riff in the relationship between all of you which could have a reverse affect on the situation and cause more harm.

L.

unfortunately,there is not much you can do when he is not with you all the time. when he is at your house you and your husband can make him obey your rules which include not lying and sneaking around. when he is with you for the summer on a full time basis it could have a bigger impact on him. you should also let him know he is a big brother and he is setting and example. ask him if you his brother should act that way when he grows up? It may be food for thought. sorry for all you are going through. it is hard on kids growing up in a single family household but it is no excuse for the bad behavior.

I think you should not say anything, you guys have an alright relationship then keep it that way. If you don't like the situatuion it doesn't matter. You are not his mom, he has a mom and a dad so leave this matter to them to deal with.

I am so sorry but you should not disapline this child, you have to let his parents do it. Do your thing when he is with you and be a good role model. You can talk to your hubby and him calmly talk to the mom but I don't think you should talk to his mom about how she should raising her child

I think his Dad should step up and be doing the disapline when he is with you guys. You can talk to him about what is going on and I agree since it didn't happen when he was with you and his Dads place don't punish him but find out why he said what he said. Also he is 10 and sometimes kids do and say the stupidest things. I know adults who sometimes do. It doesn't excuse his behavior don't get me wrong but calmly talk to him. Just don't be the one who disaplines him.