Need Advice - Minerva,OH

Yikes.
If you really love this guy (which I'm assuming you do since it has been 14 years), you really need to talk about how you are feeling. Communication is key. If you both are willing, you should try counseling. It really does help. I feel like if you haven't been intimate for nearly a year, something is DEFINITELY wrong. I say talk about it, go to counseling and if nothing changes and he is not willing to budge, you may have to separate until you both find out what you want. Life is way to short to live unhappily....... trust me.

Good luck.

Well G., I've been where you are now. First of all, with him having all those x wives, I would wonder why ,they could'nt have all been wrong...maybe you should contact one or two of them, and ask some questions, because you know he's not going to tell you the truth... and you could always look for signs. You're a woman, you know what to look for. I don't know how old he is, but maybe he's lost some of his mojo, that could be the problem. Talk to him, and ask him to please tell yo the truth.

Hi G., after 14 years of marraige you should be able to talk to him about this. He may be having erectile problems and be too embarrased to tell you. Sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Are there other things going on to make you wonder if he loves you? After all this time I am sure you know this man very well. If things seem "off" then trust your instincts. If something is going on then the best thing is to talk and get it out in the open. Just tell him how you feel.

Good luck to you!

Hi G..

I read your post and felt I had to respond. Most of the posts you have received so far have more positive responses and their points are valid. I will respond only from my personal experience....

During my first marriage, I also was married to an older man (10 years my senior) and I also was his fourth wife. He had several children from previous marriages (4 that I was aware of when we were dating, an additional 3 more appeared after we had been married a couple of years. He said he didnt think they counted since he didnt see them). I always felt he loved me, but our marriage wasnt always happy either. Im not typically a jealous person, but I always felt in the back of my mind something was up.

Well finally after 7 years of that rollercoaster ride, it came to a head. He indeed was cheating on me.... and had been for a long time. I ended up divorcing him and learned a lot from the experience. I still see the kids and have a good relationship with them.. thank God. But it was eye awakening.

My point in telling you my sorted story.... please listen to your gut. If something doesnt feel right, address it. The unknowing will eat you alive. At least then, you can deal with the issues and make more than just emotional decisions.

Good luck. And truly, I hope it is only a medical issue. Just dont ignore it anymore. Its hurting you and him as well.

G.,

Have you talked about this with him? What does he say? It could be his age or medical condition like diabetes or high blood pressure where the meds make erections difficult or he could be cheating, have gotten an STD and not want to pass it on to you. After 14 years, you should be able to discuss this. If not, then there is another problem. Hope it all goes well.

Is your husband having mood swings? sleeping ok? depressed? Drink alcohol? a diabetic? You actually didn't come out and say his age however, the older the men get - they loose thier manly hood and are conscious about how they perform in the bedroom. Sometimes to the point where it doesn't get a good erection and that can cause him to back away from sex. OR and I found this one out the hard way - he could be bisexual and just afraid to admit it or let you know. I know that may sound far fetched but my 2nd husband turned out to be and I divorced him.
IF there is a yes to any questions I asked then it's time to go see a doctor. You don't need to answer these questions to any of us. Just bringing up some good questions to ask yourself. Take care.

This is a tough situation, but it sounds like he may be cheating. If he still talks about that 18 yr. old kid (yes, I mean kid)then there is a chance that he is with her and that is why he is not having relations with you. I would try to do some investigating. If he's got a cell phone, when he's sleeping check it out because maybe he forgot to erase something, if you have an extra phone in your house, quietly slip into the other room, and listen in on the conversation. Check up on him at lunch time if possible. He will not admit to messing around so it is up to you to try to find out the truth and be prepared for whatever the outcome is. Also, you can seek counseling for both of you or just you. Good luck and no matter what I wish you the best of luck.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 11,8, and almost 5.

If he is not gay and he is not messing around, there is something wrong. Even older men desire sex. I would suggest starting with a doctor appt for him to have a thorough checkup. Does he get exercise? Is he tired a lot?
You did not indicate that you have talked and what his reasons are. Does he make excuses?
If he is healthy, exercises and just not interested in you, counseling would be my next suggestion.
If he is talking about "doing" another woman, he is definitely rude. Nice men don't say things like that in front of their wives.
So sorry you are going through this, but sometimes being alone is better than being with someone. If he is not having sex with you, what is he contributing to your marriage that makes your life better, happier than if you were alone?

I hate thinking the worst of people marriages, especially after 13, nearly 14 years. I'm going to go the hopeful route. Not knowing his age it's hard to say but if he's past middle age he could be having erectile troubles. Nearly a full year for a man to do without sex is really unusual. There are other intimate things that can be brought into the bedroom besides sex. I'm personally of the opinion that nearly anything is 'go' in the bedroom as long as you and he are comfortable. You could pet each other, dress up and role-play, find new ways of turning each other on. There's also no law saying you can't initiate the intimacy. Dress up for him or be nude when he comes to bed. Be brave and creative, there's a lot out there if you're willing to try things at least once.

initiate
set the mood
seduce him

If that does not work see if he has a medical condition

First I would ask myself if I know why the other marriages failed. No marriage is always happy.
Have you asked him to go to marriage counseling with you? If not it may be the place to start.
He could have health issues which would account for his lack of interest in sex. You also state he is considerably older than you are. That could also be a reason for the sex fading out some as well.
First I would suggest the therapy and seeing a physician to check out the physical and emotional side before I just decide he is having an affair or sleeping with other women.

Many things can effect sex drive, including depression, medications, age, health, etc... I think that when a couple has gone that long without sex, it is a sign of a problem, which may or may not be directly a result of the state of your relationship. Men do have affairs and still have sex with their wives. I can't tell you whether your husband is faithful. You could hire a private investigator! Changes in habit, such as working late, could be a sign. You know him best. If his problem is not related to health or medications, you may want to see a marriage counselor. Even if he won't go, you might benefit from going by yourself. There is a definite red flag here, and you will need to get to the bottom of it. Saying that he would like to "do" anyone is disrespectful to you, and with his history, you have cause to be concerned. Good luck!

FIRST AND FOREMOST: BE SAFE!! YOU SHOULD CHANGE ALL YOUR PASSWORDS AND ONLINE INFO WITHOUT MAKING A BIG DEAL OF THINGS. I LIKE THIS WHOLE MAMASOURCING THING BUT IF HE GOT WIND THAT YOU WERE ONLINE TALKING ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS IT COULD BE TROUBLE!! SECOND (AND I DON'T WANT TO SOUND HARSH BUT-- DON'T YOU WATCH TV??? LIFE & ART SOMETIMES DO IMITATE EACH OTHER) USE YOUR HEAD. I UNDERSTAND IT'S BEEN 14 YEARS AND ALL (I'VE BEEN MARRIED 10 MYSELF) BUT WHEN YOU ARE INSIDE THE SITUATION IT CAN BE HARD TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON. OUTSIDE, IT'S PRETTY CLEAR (AND THIS IS BASED ON CONDITIONS:
1) YOU, YOURSELF AREN'T MENTALLY STRESSED AND EMBELLISHING
2) THE RELATIONSHIP WASN'T A GOOD IDEA FROM THE GET GO
3) FAMILY ISN'T OVERSTEPPING
4) ETC,. ETC... )

IF HE'S THREATENING TO TAKE THE KIDS FOR THOSE REASONS YOU LISTED THEN HE'S MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSING AND CONTROLLING YOU. POINT BLANK. YOU MUST HAVE SOME WORTH OR VALUE TO HIM LIKE YOU'RE SATISFYING SOME CRITERIA (HOUSEWIFE) OF THE PERFECT WOMAN SO HE CAN GO OUT AND FIND THE REST OF WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR IN THE LOCAL HIGH SCHOOLS (MAY OR MAY NOT BE AN EXAGGERATION). I HATE WITH A PASSION SEEING THE LIGHT AND SELF RESPECT BEING DRAINED AND WASTED FROM A PERSON. IT'S NOT FAIR. YOU QUICKLY NEED TO FIND OUT HOW TO FILE FOR CUSTODY OF THE KIDS AND THEN FILE FOR DIVORCE BASED ON MENTAL ABUSE. IF YOU CAN SEE HE FAVORS ONE CHILD OVER THE OTHER-- AND FOR A DAD TO FAVOR THE "OLDER DAUGHTER" OVER THE "PRIDE AND JOY BOY"... SOMETHING DOESN'T SIT RIGHT WITH THAT TO ME... ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU FOLLOW IT UP WITH THE 18 YEAR OLD GIRL HE WAS ENTERTAINING... BUT IF YOU CAN SEE THESE THINGS AND THEY BOTHER YOU THEN YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO ALL THE STUFF YOU'VE BEEN MAMASOURCING ABOUT AND YOU JUST NEED SOMEONE TO CONFIRM YOU ARE RIGHT. WELL I CAN'T. NONE OF US CAN. WE CAN ONLY BE YOUR SOUNDING BOARD WHICH I CAN SEE FROM ALL THE RESPONSES YOU'VE GOTTEN WE ARE ALL HAPPY TO DO. BUT I'M GOING TO BE MORE THAN A SOFT SHOULDER TO CRY ON. I'M FRESH OUT OF SUGAR COOKIES AND MILK. SORRY. DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR CHILDREN FIRST AND THEN FOR YOU. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY SINGLE MOMS HAVE PUT THEMSELVES THROUGH SCHOOL AND RAISED THEIR KIDS ON A LIMITED SALARY?? YEAH, IT'S TOUGH. BUT IT CAN BE DONE. I JUST TALKED TO MY SON'S FIRST GRADE TEACHER. SHE TOLD ME HER STORY OF HOW AFTER STARTING HER FAMILY AT 18 AND BEING A SAHM FOR 10 YEARS HER HUSBAND LEFT HER AND SUDDENLY SHE WAS FACED WITH HAVING TO DO SOMETHING. SO SHE WENT TO SCHOOL, WORKED A P/Ter AND RAISED THEIR GIRLS BY HER SELF. AND SHE'S BEEN TEACHING 12 YEARS NOW. SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS DON'T JUST CRY WITH YOU. WE EMPOWER YOU WHEN YOU ARE MOST VULNERABLE. WHEN YOU ARE AT YOUR MOST FEARFUL AND LOWEST POINT, VENTURE OUT. STRIKE OUT ANYWAY. FEAR IS A THIEF. IT WILL STEAL YOUR FUTURE IF YOU LET IT. DON'T SET THAT EXAMPLE FOR YOUR KIDS, THEY ARE WATCHING YOU TO SEE WHAT KIND OF MODEL THEY SHOULD EMBODY IN THEIR OWN LIVES. YOU WANT THEM TO GROW UP SAYING "MY MOM SHOWED ME HOW TO STARE DOWN FEAR, HOW TO RECOGNIZE A BAD SITUATION AND TAKE CONTROL OF MY LIFE AND NOT BE USED UP AND TOSSED. YOU ALREADY SAW THE OTHER EXES LEAVE! THEY GOT OUT EARLY. YOU WANTED TO BE SURE, NOBLE, BUT CAN YOU SAY YOU HAVE FLOURISHED OR WITHERED IN THE LAST 14 YEARS? I NEVER RECOMMEND SPLITTING UP A FAMILY, BUT THE STORY YOU ARE TELLING IS SCREAMING FOR A DO-OVER. PRAY ABOUT IT. SEEK SOMEONE WHO IS OBJECTIVE. AND THAT STILL, SMALL VOICE... LISTEN TO IT. IN YOUR SITUATION I THINK IT MAY HAVE THE ANSWER. IT'S OKAY TO BE AFRAID, JUST DON'T QUIT. AND MAMASOURCE. WE'RE HERE.
IF AFTER READING ME GIVING IT TO YOU STRAIGHT YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN OFFENSE (BECAUSE BELIEVE ME, THERE WAS N O N E INTENDED) AND WOULD LIKE TO TALK, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME. I FEEL FOR YOU AND WOULD LOVE TO ENCOURAGE YOU.

G.,

Do you trust him? Has he given you reason not to trust him? Have you tried to have relations with him or is he the one who always intiates it? I don't know much about a spouse that is cheating but if he hasn't shown past signs then right now put faith in him and go from this point on and if you love him try a way to reconnect with him. There is a lot of good ideas on the internet. Now if you have a reason to doubt him that is a differnt story. Make sure you have the proof. If you love him and you over think everything he does, you may just end up losing him anyway. Unfortunately, everyone isn't always who we think they are but trust and faith can take us along way. Good Luck in your process and God Bless.

Hi G.,
I don't know if your husband has a history of cheating, how's the rest of your day to day relationship (interaction), is he a loving guy, has he been doing something else that may raise the fooling around question? otherwise, I was thinking that, since you mentioned he's that much older than you, that maybe he could have erectile discfuntion or some sort of prostate or hormonal problem (age related). That would affect his libido either because he doesn't feel like it or because he's embarased he may not be able to do it. If that's the case, his doctor can help if he's willing to accep it and ask for help.
Good luck to you either way.

You certainly have a lot of good advice. However, I would have liked to have seen the specific stats on your age and his age.

First, if you think he is cheating get a private invesigator or have your close friends keep tab on him.

How's his health? Does he have ED or is he in the early state of dementia? Also, when people have problems such as TIA's or minor strokes there can be personality changes. Sometimes people have TIA's and won't talk about them.

Remember, personality and social issues can be linked to medical issues. Does dementia run in the family? The problems of marrying a much older man is that severe medical issues present themselves earlier than in a marriage where the partners are closer in age.

What is his specific attitude towards you? Does he think that he is superior and that you are trash that can not be trusted? Is he on an worthless ego trip?
How does he treat the children?

Talk to the exwives if you can. I myself wouldn't tolerate the freaky psychological issues. Does he still want this marriage to work? Ask him.

How close your you to getting your degree? Could you make it on your own or live with a friend? I know it would be tuff with the economy, the kids and a divorce.
Could he make child support payments? How's your savings? You have a lot to think about.

G.,
Wow, that long without relations is not normal. Course it could be a problem on his end, physically. Try to talk to him about it but don't get too caught up in that being the only possibility. Don't wear blinders is what I'm saying. Get to the bottom of this and don't live in doubt. My friend went through this and discovered the affair within two months of no relations. Thank goodness they turned to God to help ment their broken marriage. Without His strength, love and compassion, they probably would not be together today. I'm all for healing a marriage if both sides are willing to put in a valiant effort. But if he's not, you aren't doing your children any favors staying with a man who is cheating on you. Is that the type of role model you want for your kids? Find out, call him out on it, and see if he is willing to change.

M.

I would suggest you tell him what's bothering you and that you seek counseling together and/or separately. Good luck!

Hi G.,

I know I am coming in a bit late....

Several people suggested counseling for both of you. If he won't go, you should go by yourself. Your college may have a place that is cheaper for the students.

Also, get checked for STDs, if that is not normally part of your health check-ups. IF he is cheating (and I am not saying he is), it may have begun before your anniversary. If you have been faithful and you end up with a STD, that's significant! And it's evidence you can confront him with. Plus you can get treated pronto.

And keep on toward that college degree! It will help you get a better job should you need or want one, and generally enrich your life. No one can take education away from you.

Good luck!

K. Z.

Ok 1st off he is 24yrs older and not to be mean but he is way older and old enough to be your dad. IF he cheated on his other wifes then I AM SURE he is you to. ALSO if he is ACCUSING YOU then that is a HUGE give away. MY ex was the same way. He was only 4 older than me and he worked 3rd shift WELL I was on my break with a GF of mine when I was on 2nd and GUESS who I saw going in the bar across from McDonald's???? MY EX w/a BIMBO SO I let him know I saw him and he tried EVERYTHING to explain 1) he said he was coming to eat with ME with HER DUH I am NOT stupid lol. Well I left him and DUMB butt me went back he cheated 2 more times and I WAS DONE after the last 1. He as well accused ME off going out on him so I hate to say it but I am sure he is cheating on you. Can you follow him some how or have him followed by someone else he would not know? I tell you what men like this need to have their man part cut off so they would not do it again PLUS IF he is cheating on you you need to think of getting something from him STD. Those things are not fun. Hate to say it BUT I would leave him and be on your way YOU can DO BETTER than that I am sure... Sry If I am blunt but I have been there and done that THANK GOD I have a AWESOME hubby now... Good Luck

Wow. I surely hope that he is not cheating on you. Maybe you can try to talk to him and see if he changes the subject or not. If he changes the subject, it may be the hint that he is cheating on you or hiding something from you. You can ask him why you and him haven't had relations since your anniversary. See what he answers. You need to discuss about your feeling with him. What was a 18 years old girl doing in your house calling your husband daddy? You might need to find more about that. Who she really is? What was going on with her? I wouldn't like the idea a young girl hanging around in my home calling my husband daddy. If your husband admits that he is cheaing on you, you need to give him a choice... he needs to pick which is more important and act like he means it. I hope you will find truth answers from him. Do you keep in touch with his ex wives? If you do, it might be a good idea to find out why their marriages didn't last one year. They may know something that you don't know. Hope you will find something.

G.,
Maybe your hubby is having problems that he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about.It could be anything from erectile disfunction to a enlarged prostrate.My boy friend just went through this plus he had a over active bladder and the poor guy was all but wetting his pants some days.Men won't talk about this stuff. Maybe you should get him a complete physical and talk to the Dr. or nurse about your concerns for your husband in advance.If all comes out okay then I would say perhaps you two need a marriage councelor so you can talk openly about everything.
Debbie