Need Advice - Springfield,IL

I do not have any advice, I just wnted to say that I am in the same situation as you...my daughters are 19m apart. If you get some good answers let me know!
K.

If it were my I would send my regrets. I would rather not have the fight and unhappiness. It is better not to have the battle. I would explain it to the girls and tell them you love them to much to have them fight over one person. The other mother does not understand the situation. My boys are a pair even if they are 17 ears appart.

This mom may be dealing with the problem of three, when 3 kids play together , two will gang up on the third. She wants to be friends but she's seen her child ganged up on and wants to get some one on one time with the child that that her daughter prefers to play with. Try and get another friend for the younger daughter.

There was a similar situation with my childhood neighbor friend across the street, myself and younger sister. My mother chose to keep us both home if only one of us was invited someplace. She felt it wasn't fair to my younger sister. This laid the groundwork for me being asked to squelch various milestones throughout my life so that my sister wouldn't feel slighted for being left out as she was younger and hadn't yet reached the milestone... don't make a big deal out of prom, don't make a big deal out of getting married, don't make a big deal out of being pregnant... it might hurt your sister's feelings. This point of view was not helpful to either of us. Let your 5 year old go. If your 4 year old is devastated, use the opportunity to do something special with mommy and me... build something positive out of the situation while teaching an important life lesson to your youngest, and letting your oldest live her life to her fullest.

I go through this too with my boys being 1 yr apart. I typically ask if the other can go. If not then I weigh the options... if it was a mutual friend to the boys I would just say no because both boys are friends only one was invited simply doesn't seem very nice. If it is a friend that only the child invited knows I don't even ask about the other sibling. I am sure this will go on for years to come they have to get used to different friends but seriously I think its not very nice to only invite 1 sibling if they are both friends/playmates with the birthday child.

Even at their school they have a policy you either invite the whole class or none of them. This way nobody has their feelings hurt by not being invited. Good luck

I remember when we (my sister and I)were young, around 8, she had a friend that was her age, and a sister about 6. Well, everytime her mom would drop her off to play, she would drop the sister off too! We just thought it was rude on the mother's part, not to ask. It was not that we did not like the younger girl, it was just the point, that their mother did not ask, kinda like she wanted a free babysitter. I'm not making that judgement on you, but maybe your 5 year old daughter and the freind are closer and have more in common. I know it might be hard for your younger daughter, but since they are so close in age, maybe it would help to maybe invite a friend from preschool, so she can develop her own friendships also. I also think you should let your daughter go to the party, it is not her fault and she should not be punished because of the way you feel. Maybe do something fun with your four year old, or have her invite a friend over. Good luck!

I was on the opposite end of this. My daughter was friends with two sisters. The oldest was her age, the other was a year or two younger. It worked fine including both the sisters in everything, until the older girls hit puberty. Then suddenly my daughter had nothing in common with the younger, and really wanted to just hang out with the older girl. Then, she started getting invited to their house when the older girl was gone to stay with a cousin that left out the younger girl! She didn't want to hurt the younger girl's feelings, and didn't know how to explain how she felt, so she just stopped doing things with both of them. I wished I wouldn't have pushed her into always including the younger girl from the beginning, then maybe she and the older girl could have remained friends. I know it hurts your little one, but maybe it's best to start now with having her own friends. It's really hard for sisters to share friends. One time we had just the older girl over, and the little one got really jealous.

Hello J.- I think that you have gotten some good advice on how to handle the invitation issue. I want to comment on the sleep over comments and about it being appropriate for the age of your girls. I have twin 5 year old girls and they have been having sleepovers off and on for the past year. They started first as a way to spend some additional time (together or 1on1) with my mom and have progressed to a few other homes with close friends of their same age or so. As long as your girls are comfortable, have appropriate expectations and you have the comfort level with the family, I would not worry about it. Be prepared to potentially get a call late or in the middle of the night to come home, and be prepared to get asked constantly for the next sleep over.
Good Luck!

I feel the same way that you do regarding sibling neighbors, therefore we end up inviting families to parties- not individual kids. That being said, my babysitter can not handle all of them at once and would prefer to invite only one over at a time. She gets overwhelmed with all of the kids because when they come over they fight. She does have a preference towards the one that gets a long better with my son.

It might make sense to ask her about her about your 4yo's behavior at her house. Then if she asks why, you can explain that you know she will be sad to not be invited to her daughter's party and that you want to address this with your daughter. That way you don't put her on the spot and still bring up that it is something your daughter would like.

I can understand people doing parties where its just the child's friend or the same age but I think that it was not very nice of her to invite just one of your daughters considering that both play with her daughter. Given that I would just say no - cannot attend. If it was a party of your 5 yr old's friend alone, then yes she should go alone. But the fact that both your 4 and 5 yr old have been playing with your neighbor, seems to me that they should both have been invited. I wouldn't put your neighbor in an awkward situation by asking her if your younger one can go. After all, you are neighbors and will see each other all the time. Just let this party slide! You could send a small gift from both the daughters and she may get the hint!

Good luck,
Aarti.

Please, please do not take the view as some of the respondents have that it is a negative (they don't like your younger daughter or it's not fair).

I've been through this as my girls are 18 mos apart. When they were younger the 'extra' girl was invited sometimes to parties, etc. with the other one, but I truly think it was due to the parent's doing the inviting feeling a sense of guilt. You can't look at them as a package of two-for-one. Some of the responses hit this right on.

The five-year-old is now in school and building friendships with school-mates and it's simply time. Time for individuality and finding new friendships.

Especially for functions as birthday parties there is much more involved. We can never know our neighbors beliefs and/or money situation. They may have told their daughter she could invite X number of friends due to the size of the house, cost of the party, keeping it an even number, etc. There is always going to be someone who takes a higher priority.

Consider the girl inviting girls from their classroom whom your older daughter knows and has relationships with. Your younger daughter may not know any of these girls, which means she will tag along with your other daughter 'cramping her style'. I know it may sound bad, but I've been there. At one of our parties for my older girl, my younger daughter was acting all goofy seeming to try to steal the spotlight from her sister. She wasn't wanting to be mean, just trying to fit in and it really made my older daughter feel uneasy and embarassed.

This is a good opportunity for them to gain some independence and for you and the younger daughter to spend other time maybe bonding one-on-one instead of the two-on-one you may be used to.

Another thing to consider - think of it more like a wedding invitation and it comes out like this...Each person invited is 'supposed to bring a gift'. Since you have two children attending each should supply a gift (two plates for dinner = two monetary gifts). I know that's taking it a bit farther than we need to but it's something to think about. Not to mention the party-giver has to make sure there is enough food, cake, party favors.

It's really not a slight - it's a gift of coming of age and a time for an awakening.

I just read about a similar situation in a an etiquette column in the paper. You might disagree with this, but the firm response was it's not cool to ask if the other sibling can tag along. You can choose to exclude your daughter from the party if you think it's best for your family. With your daughters so close in age, unfortunately your going to have to deal with this situation quite a bit, so be cautious in the precident you set. Realistically, the older your daughters get, the less they'll be invited to anything as a pair. Those mommy bear claws really come out when you think your child is going to be hurt...:>/

You know, the moms in my circle have this understanding that the dynamics with three kids is just wayyy higher maintenance than with just two. When they are different ages, it's even more difficult. If the mom is planning a play date so she can get some things done around the house (I do this alot), a third child in the mix can basically ruin your chances of getting ANYTHING done. I still set up playdates that include siblings, but they are viewed as a favor to another mom that is typically returned. But, again, the mom's in my circle are all in agreement on playdate boundaries and it's working very well for us and our kids. When your not in mommy bear mode, you might try asking what the dynamics are like when both your daughters are over to play verses just your older daughter. The other mom might appreciate the opportunity to openly discuss what works for them and what doesn't.

Good luck!

Good Morning
I truly beleive they should both be included, you just can't single one sister out because of one year age difference. If your heart tells you that it is wrong go with what you feel. God Bless

I'm sorry so many moms passed judgement on you. That is the WORST part of this site. You ask advice about one thing and a handful of moms nit-pick about side details you've mentioned. I can sort of see where the other mom came from as far as the sleepover, both might have been too much (and also letting your daughters go to sleepovers DOESN'T make you a bad mom). As for the birthday party though, there is NO reason your 4-year-old should have been excluded. My best friend from K-5th grade had a sister that was a year younger. We never really played with her sister, but my mom ALWAYS invited her sister to my birthday parties due to such a close age and not wanting any hurt feelings. I would try to kindly talk to the other mother and ask if there is room for your 4 year old. If not, take both of your girls somewhere else fun that day.

HI J.

I don't have any advice but just a different perspective...

*sometimes party sizes get limited because of cost or size constraints by the venue

*the other mom may be thinking of the dynamic between two girls compared to the dynamic between a girl and two sisters. In the second scenario, her daughter could be the odd person out. Trio's are a difficult social dynamic. The other mom may just being trying to build the friendship one sister at a time!

How fun to have two girls of your own so close in age! I wonder if this is going to be something that will continue to present itself as they grow. They may/may not share friends.

Warm regards
C.

HI J.,

I can completely see where you are coming from - but your 5 year old is older (even if only a year). She should get to do somethings that the 4 year old doesn't.... that is the joy of being the "oldest". The other mom might be trying to limit the number of kids at the party too - so instead of leaving your family out completely - she is inviting the one that is the same age as her daughter. We live on a street with 19 kids (all different ages, etc..) and it is hard to know where to draw the line with siblings.... Overall - I wouldn't look at it as she is trying to separate your girls - but maybe she just likes having one over at a time (two playing sometimes works out much better than three - the old saying "three is a crowd").

Maybe you can find something fun & special for your 4 year old to do while your 5 year old is at the party. Make it a "special" time for her to have "just with mom"... build that up. You could take her to get her nails painted & have hot chocolate somewhere... my 4 year old loves that! My nail places charges $6.00 for a little girl to get her nails painted so it doesn't break the bank....

Since your neighbors & probably will be for quite some time - I would really work to keep the peace & respect her decision to invite who she wants to to her daughters party. It's not your place to say anything to her & put her on the spot. I'm sure she thought about it before she did it & has her own reasoning.... you should try to respect that even though you don't completely understand it. There will be many more good times for the girls to share - don't let little things here & there spoil it... (although it's easier said than done).

My thought is that you should be looking at this as an opportunity rather than a negative. It is important that your daughters be allowed to develop a "life of their own" so to speak. Doing everything together is unhealthy, I think, and deprives them both of moving in her own direction. Plan an interesting time for the younger daughter, perhaps invite a friend over to do something at your place. You will be doing her a favor by showing her that she has a life of her own outside her sister. You have an opportunity for growth here. Take advantage of it.

J.

Hi J., Why leave the 4 year old out, she's pretty much doing all the things the 5 year olds are. She's just one year younger. I wouldn't send neither child to the party. And later have a friendly talk with your neighbor since your daughters are friends and explain that the girls are in the same age group. Kids are in the same grade at schools learning the same thing and are different ages so what was her point. Your girls are like twins but a year apart. I can see if she was 5 years or 3 years younger. I bet she will have kids there of different ages. Some too old and a lot that will be younger. Don't let her come between your girls. Sisters for life.

S.

I understand your perspective. I also understand the other mom's. I wouldn't feel comfortable having a 4 year old at my house (or even a 5 yr old for that matter) for a sleep over but to each his own. You can't expect the mom to take on two kids every time her daughter plays with your 5 yr. daughter. Your youngest is going to have to get used this. We have a neighbor boy who is between my 10 yr. old daughter and 6 yr. old son. He plays with both of them. But there are times when only the ten year old is invited. He cries and he is not happy about it. I just explain that sometimes your sister is going to go places that you won't go and vis-versa. It is the way of life. I had to bring my little sister and brother everywhere I went and I hated it. I just wanted to be with my friend. So I also understand that sometimes that older sibling enjoys the one on one time with friends. So I never make my kids bring their siblings anywhere (fortunately they usually invite one another a long for stuff in the neighborhood) Also three can be a little tricky. It may not be the mom, but the daughter who only wants your five year old to come to certain things. Also as the girls get older and the neighbor daughter doesn't have younger siblings she won't understand how to deal with that situation. I can always tell when one of my kids friends is the youngest. They complain and are mean to the little ones. But if they have younger siblings they have no problem including them and allowing them to 'hang out with them'. I know it's hard a lesson for your 4 year old to understand, but it is a good one for her to learn boundaries from her sister. I don't think you are out of line for feeling the way you do. It is a natural reaction because your four year old may feel hurt and you want to protect her from it. But acting on those feelings would be out of line. You unfortunately can't do anything about it and need to roll with it.

I totally agree! I don't like the split-up game. But if you still want to be a sweet heart about the situtation go get the a gift for her and put both of your girls names on it. And I think you should also let her mother know that you appreciate the invite but in all fairness if one get invited the other should too!

If you are neighbors, talk to the mom. She may be thinking age limits rather than just limiting your little one from the play and party. My girls had a friend whose mom did this to a family. The difference was about 3 years and did not think the younger one would be comfortable with so many older kids. Although in your case there is only a year difference.

J.,
Rather than assuming that the mother of this child has malice towards you, let's assume that she doesn't know better and isn't as sensitive to feelings as you are.
So what do you do?
Take the woman aside and ask if she has a minute to listen to you. Then, do the XYX exercise. When you did X, I felt Y, so please do Z.
Say something like this: Jane (assuming her name is Jane).
Jane, Your inviting my 5 year old and not my 4 year old, left my four year old feeling rejected and unhappy. Because all of the kids play together, I 'd much prefer that you invite both of them. Thanks!
AND role play this with your husband first, to make sure that you say it in a manner that doesn't imply that Jane or whatever her name is, has something wrong with her.
Ya gotta be nice.

Maybe she has a reason.
Good luck!

R.

I'm sure your 4 year old won't be devastated as long as you don;t make a big deal about it. I disagree witht he PP that said to ask if the other one can come. Maybe she is only having the party for 5 year olds. If the 4 year old says it's not fair, this is a great itme to have teh "life is not always fair speech". My mom did that with us.

Sister seperation is a good thing. It can give YOU quality time with the younger one. When I raised my kids, my neighbor shoved her younger daughter down our throats constantly. Those girls never learned how to make their own friends or to get along with the same kids. It was a constant arguement with the 2 sisters. Your 4 year old has to learn to make her own friends. Preschool is a good place to start. Your girls get plenty of time together at their own home. My neighbor went so far as to dress the two girls like twins. They hated it but the mom thought it was cute...it wasn't. I felt bad because other kids use to make fun of both of them. Think about this mommy. Good luck. Happy holidays.

These things happen. We usually include siblings in our party invitations and to be honest, this year it's getting to be a bit difficult to fit in all the new kids from preschool for my son's birthday while also including so many neighbors and daycare friends and their multiple siblings. It gets a bit much after a while (especially if there are older kids in the family who also have friends and their siblings to be considered - it can be quite a challenge to figure out all the details!)

Also, there may be dynamics you are unaware of. Maybe the neighbor's child would like to get to know your daughter better without the sister always tagging along. These things happen a lot and my kids are 3 years apart. We have had to have a lot of discussions about how sometimes one child is invited and one isn't, although mostly people try to be as thoughtful as they can be - but things don't always work out that way, and that's ok too. Gracious guests accept what is offered without complaint (or they decline politely.)

I would not let your girls go. But I would let your neighbor know why. It is not fair at all what she is doing. Plus it's not like your younger daughter is that much younger to me playing together. You need to talk to your neighbor and tell her that they will not be at the party because it is not fair to your other daughter. Maybe then she will say that she can come, but I think it's really rude. Hope everything works out for you.

Me personally, I would never let me five year old spend the night with anyone but maybe her grandmother with her cousins. No matter how well you know someone, you don't know them well enough. If your girls were further apart in age I would just explain to the younger one that when she turns five she can do the same thing, but they are very close in age and do play with the same girl so it is kind of silly.

I have a five year old and a three year old. I typically just tell the three year old that she has to wait until she's older.....something to look forward to. Recently the five year old was invited to Pump It Up by a classmate. I took my five year old to the party and my hubby took the three year old to Burger King, which she loves, to play. She was fine with that.

Maybe do something special with the younger one when the older one is invited to something she isn't.

It only gets worse with girls as they get older. It will be difficult for the young one and you, but now is the time to start building up her self-esteem. Let's face it, the neighbors seems to always prefer to play with the older kids. I was the youngest of three girls. Find something else for your youngest daughter that evening.

I hope you feel very comfortable with sleepovers at this age.

I have boys that are 7 & 9. We have dealt with this a few times. If it is a parent I know, I call and ask if brother can come too. If it is a party at a bowling alley or chuck e cheese, I also offer to pay for the extra child. If it is a no more allowed party... I take the left out child out to do something else and use that as special one on one time for us! Don't be afraid to ask!

Greeting J., I just want to tell you not to be so concerned about your older daughter being invited over and not your younger daughter they will eventually have their own circle of friends an you may as well get use to that now. You should not take it personal because I am sure your four year old doesn't. They frequently play all together but the other child may just want to play with your older daughter sometimes, this is the way your girls begin to have their own friends and identities. Allow your five year old to share with her friend without always tagging her younger sister around this will make a healthy relationship within their social and personal connections. The other mom my see something totally different when they all play with one another and would like for the girls to bond more and she also may just want to be responsible for one of your daughters. You could use this time to bond with your four year old as well, you do recognize that you should bond with your children on an individual baises as well? Each child should feel special being at home or with their social connections. Let it go and allow your children to create their own world of friends just be near to facilitate this is only the begining of them creating their own circle of friends.

I haven't read all your responses but you might ask the neighbor girl to sleep over at your house where all 3 kids can enjoy time together. Unfortunately, this will happen for the rest of their childhood. Your not alone in feeling the way you do. Good luck.

J.... I'd thank her for hte invitation..but the girls go as a pair. Thank you her again, go visit a day before or after the party with a gift that the girls picked out for their friend together. I'd be just that clear and nice too. Considering she only has the one daughter, she just doesn't understand, or if she does then she's not nice. But either way.. your girls are a set.
Happy Holiday xo

I think the first thing I'd do is ask the neighbor about it. Is it possible that there are issues between your 4 year old and the neighbor girl? Possibly with tattling, etc? Perhaps (and I realize this is hard take) the neighbor girl just does not like your 4 year old. And she is entitled to that. And honestly, she doesn't *have to invite both girls. And I disagree that just because your daughters are close in age that she has to invite both of them. Perhaps she wants some time alone with just the 5 year old? If the 5 year old is always only inviting the 5 year old, then even though the 4 year old considers her a friend, sounds like the 5 year old doesn't reciprocate? I remember when I was little that I had a friend and her younger sister always had to tag along and she was really a nuisance and neither of us were very happy about it (and yes she was just a year younger than us). I don't know if the neighbor would be honest with you about it though. But it can't hurt to ask. And I don't think that you should make your older child be left out of a party just because you don't want your younger child to be "devastated". (the oldest child could very likely learn to resent her younger sister for that very quickly.) Even though they're close in age, she's going to need to understand that her older sister (and vice versa) will do things without her. (and yes I saw that they do do things without each other. But what I mean is that they'll get invited to things that the other won't and that that's life.) I would tell the neighbor that asking in front of them is rude and that excluding the 4 year old is hurtful. And I'd ask her why it gets done. Again -- can't hurt to ask and perhaps you'll get some answers you can work with. But be prepared to get the truth and be prepared to handle it.

I hate to say this but there are a lot of selfish people out there and this is one of them. Unless she is having a party where she can only afford a certain amount (that can happen also) you can just not let your five year old go with some mundane excuse or tell the truth. But that doesn't mean the woman will be understanding and then invite your other daughter. Unfortunately this type of thing will last for a lifetime in other situations, though. And one day we don't have the ability to decide for our children what their choice will be, so perhaps you showing how important your family is to your daughters by not letting her go will at least prevent them from becoming this kind of a person. If they were a couple of years apart (like my children are about five years apart) I could understand,as ;interests in age differences vary, but on the other hand I think the woman might just not be thinking how it hurts someone. Sometimes people don't intentionally do these things. You will be able to find that out if you tell her the truth about why your five year old won't go.

It seems to me that keeping your older girl from going would be like punishing her because the other girl was not invited to the party. I had this problem with some of my sons friend's and siblings close in age. For his party he wanted the kid his age who he considered to be his friend but not the younger kid, even though they often played together when he went to their house. This is pretty much a common thing. A year younger when you're 5 is alot (to them). Also I had some Moms who would just drop off their younger sibs without even asking at a party! I found that very surprising. We didn't have a ton of money and planned the party for the people who were invited, including party favors etc. That seems unfair to the parents throwing the party and the birthday kid who after all has the right to ask who he likes to his party, at least in my mind. I'm sure the younger kids have parties that they go to too, without the older kid.
ALSO, as a child with a younger sister (only a year)I hated it when my mom would insist that she tag along etc. and it always seemed very unfair to me. I felt my sister was a separate person but we were often treated as a unit even though we were extremely different with different likes and dislikes, etc. And I remember feeling so responsible for her in a way I think we both ended up really resenting. SO that's my take as an older sis.

Well, all I can say is that I'm sure that this is going to continue to happen in the future. The next time it may be the 4 year old invited to something & not the 5 year old. My friend has 9 year old triplet girls, and there's been many variations to this story.

I think the key is that if you don't make a big deal about it, then your girls won't as much either. Just try to spend some special alone time with your 4 year old while the other one is gone.

That's just my 2 cents. Good luck!

I don't blame you... I wouldn't want to send either one of my kids either if that was the case. I think you're totally justified in saying "no". If she asks why your child isn't coming you could just tell her because it isn't fair to your other child and it will hurt her feelings. Good Luck!

Hi J.
In this situation I prefer not to let neigther one go because its not fare for kids. Also it seen that they have preference with your 5 years old and they just let the other one in because you send them with the old one. Just find out why they are like that with the 4 years old.I really recommend to find out why they don't want her there; and aslo don't sent neigther one.

M.

I have twin girls, now age 11. They are in the same group of friends, though each are closer to different girls in the group. Last year we had several instances where one was invited over night, or to a birthday party, and the other wasn't. It's tough, but there are various reasons: one party the guest list was limited to a certain number of girls, and the daughter who was the closer friend was invited. I took my other daughter out to dinner that night for some one on one time. I actually encourage them to do different things as they are twins, sometimes people think of them as a unit instead of 2 individuals. Once the other daughter was invited over night, by herself - the dad asked me if it was okay (his youngest was also having a sleep over with a friend. If his older daughter hasd 2 friends over, then the younger had to also, and that was too many kids for the evening). So I took my other daughter out to dinner for one on one time. If a friend comes over to our house, though, the rule is everyone is included in activities.

There could be many reasons that the neighbor is only inviting the older daughter over. You may want to ask about it. We did not start sleep overs until last year, when the girls were 10, except for one close friend (the sleep overs were done to help out the parents). 5 does seem a bit young.