Need Advice - Lakeside,CA

J., I am so sorry to hear of your mom's cancer. Please, let me just say this. I have breast cancer, inflammatory breast cancer which is very agressive...I went thru hurgery, and a lot of chemo. But when my husband and adult kids started asking me what I would like for Christmas, I was honest. Time, no, I know they can't make me live longer...but I want just to spend time with my sons, daughter in laws my wonderful husband and the grandkids...
Go, be with your mom. She might not tell you, but I know down deep that would be the very best gift you could possibly give her.
Good luck, and may 2009 be good for you..
.C.

I know it's not easy...I dealt with liver cancer with my father when I was in my early teen years and my mother chose to keep us in school in our hometown and had our grandmother come to live with us. My mother traveled with my father to another city for chemo and cancer treatments and had my grandmother come to live with us. He ended up losing his battle after 10 months. My mother made the choice to keep us fairly sheltered from his cancer battle....but looking back, I thought it was really hard for us to travel back and forth on the weekends to visit my parents and really hard to be away from them when they were going through a traumatic, life altering situation. I don't know what the right choice would have been....to move with them and give up all of our friends, activities etc for that year to be able to spend more time with my father in his last months...or to do what we did and try to maintain a normal semblence of our lives. I guess when you deal with cancer, it is never easy to know what the right thing to do is. I am sure you will make the right decision for your family. Talk it out with your kids, your husband and your mother. And mostly, cherish this precious time with your mother.

Hi J.,

First I am so sorry to hear about your mom. My husbands brother is going through treatment for the exact same cancer.

What I want to say is that this won't be any problem for your children to go and help with Grandma. In fact this is a life lesson that is will be invaluable to them. For your children to see you caring for your ailing mother, the woman who brought you into the world, is a valuable lesson about life, love and family being there for each other when needed. You will be an incredible example of love to them. They will learn by your example about how families should stick togther and be there for one another. What a selfless act it would be. It will bring you so much closer to your mother as well. You couldn't give her any greater gift!

My best to you, your dear mother, and family.

M.

P.S. I helped care for my mother before she passed away and I wouldn't have traded that time with her for anything in the world. And what I would do to have her back... I did this with three young children. They now have memories of that time with their Grandma as well.

Hi J.
This is a tough decision, and I can only tell you about what my family has gone through the last 18 months. My Aunt, who I grew up next door to and is my mothers twin, was diagnosed with breast cancer. My cousins are spread out across the US, and even though the doctors said she could pull through, we lost her 5 months later. Her children have no regrets that they stopped what they were doing and stayed with their mother. One of them quit her job to take care of her full time, and those of us that were in school dropped our classes. My cousin with children stayed the full 5 months with her mother, having her children and her husband flown in for a week at a time. Towards the end, she just pulled the kids out of school. The youngest grandchild was very close to her Nonnie, and she will have those memories forever. A week after her service, her oldest daughter's breast cancer came back with a vengeance. My cousin passed away in the beginning of November. We cherished every minute we had with both of them. When you think back on your life, you have to ask yourself, does that short time span spent away from friends really matter? Or will you always regret not being there? I don't know what is best for your family, but I know for ours, my extra time to get my degree, my family's shifting of jobs and even time without pay was worth it. This is our first Christmas without them, and we all know that even though we miss them, we have no regrets.

Is there a chance your mom could move in with you for chemo treatments? If not, then I would go if I could, but leave my kids behind. It would be hard on them to move and not have usual routine and see the grandma they love be so sick and not able to enjoy them. Maybe you could arrange it so you could fly back and forth while she is sick but you live with her and fly to see your kids while you can. Best of luck to you. I will pray for your mom not to suffer through illness.

J.,
I feel for you and your decision. I was in a similar but sort of opposite situation than yours. My husband accepted a position here at Miramar. We are from Memphis. I did not know whether to come or not. I wanted to start a new life with him as we have had some pretty sevier problems in our marriage. But, I was extremely close to my Mom and little sister so it was a very hard decision. What made it worse was that my Mom was in a nursing home which putting her there had already tore my sister and I in two. I did not want to leave her but did not have much of a choice since I was out of work at the time and could not support myself. My Mom was still able to do for herself and I would have liked nothing more than to stay and move her in when with me but with my husband leaving I would be without a home. Needless to say this has put an even worse strain on our marriage. But I had to go. Four months after being here, still jobless and friendless, my Mother fell in the nursing home, due to their neglagence. I flew home and she was pretty much in a coma. She passed away 5 days later. I will never forgive myself for spending her last 4 months on this earth 2000 miles away from her. Now, there is no way I could ever call this home. I finally have a good job but all I want to do is go home and be with my little sister who is not taking it very well and I am concerned for her health. My 2 children are both grown and I cannot help but feel that my place right now is with my sister who needs me so desparatly. And I cannot help but blame my husband, who by the way is still doing the things that put the huge wedge between us in the first place. I feel like I made the wrong decision and it resulted in the death of my Mother, by the way, was the most caring and selfless person that ever walked, and the mental deterioration of my sister. I should not have come here with a marriage on the rocks. I should have put my Mother first. She put me first her whole life. I know I cannot go back and un do what I have done but I would give my life to do just that. So my advice to you is to think hard on your decision and remember, you Mom may not have much longer and she needs you now. You can resume your life when she is gone. Oh, how I wish I had done that. Hope this helps without depressing you too much.
Sincerely,
Eternally regretful in San Diego

I'm so sorry about your Mom and that you have to make this decision. Unless I missed it, I didn't catch the age of your children.

If it were me and I am NOT close with my Mom. I'd bring her out here. I would not go where my Mom is because it would be very hard on my kids to go to a different school and be without there Dad. Is this an option for you? I would not hesitate a bit to care for my Mom. I feel that is the least I can do for her, even though we aren't on good terms, I feel it's my obligation to help Mom and Dad out if they need me down the road. But given my kids young ages and how stable their life is here, I would not pack them up and rock their world for something I could do from my home - Mom would just have to move in with us!

Let us know how it goes,
M.

J.,
First and foremost I'm sorry about your mother's diagnosis and hope she will be strong through her upcoming treatment. My sister is still undergoing chemo for breast cancer, and doing well.
Now back to your posting, I hope my response won't sound too harsh, but I want to give you food for thought in making your decision. When reading your request, I got the feeling that you didn't really want to uproot and move at all. Is it possible that you are weighing your life here as too important to give up and therefore not be able to be there for your M.? You seemed to still be undecided even when your husband said you can go. Also you mentioned you want to be there for your mother, who has always been there for you. IF after those two key points you are still undecided then there is more going on subconsciously. Again, I'm only trying to see more of what maybe going on that you may or may not be aware of. Is it possible that you may not be emotionally prepared to care for your mother. Especially if she is likely to become very weak, while undergoing chemotherapy? Is it possible that you may not be emotionally prepared to become see her become weak and you deal with pending thoughts that in some cases patients lose their battle with cancer and therefore you be present for such an event? There would be nothing wrong in having such feelings and have no bearing at all on how much I'm sure you love your mother. It is important to know what you are capable of handling or prepared to handle for that matter, especially if you are considering taking your children with you. I come from a large family and over our long years and battles, we have come to the realization that we each have a our strengths and weaknesses we bring to our large family. We have also learned to use those strengths and weaknesses appropriately when needed. Having said that, I wonder if you do have some uneasy feelings about your mother's health and possible wornsening health. If those feelings are unresolved and you make a decision that will keep you from not having to deal with those feelings then you may live with some regrets. If you do have those feelings and you face them, then you will be able to make your decision and live without regrets.
Again, I wish your M. lots of strength and I wish you peace of mind. And again I don't mean to be harsh, just realistic.
All the best to your family.

Hi J.!!

I am so sorry to hear about your Mom's diagnosis and prey that she comes through the treatments well.

I know exactly the situation you are in. My Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in April of this year. I live 240 miles away from her, have a 4 year old, I'm a full time student, and a newlywed. Unfortunately my Mom lost her battle on December 1st just 3 weeks ago. What I did was spend as many weekends as I possibly could with her at her home, that was all I was able to do and be able to keep some kind of normalcy for my daughter. My Mom knew that I was doing the best I could to spend as much time with her as I could. Like you, my Mom was always there for me, she was my best friend.

I know that you don't have the ability to be in a different state a few weekends a month. Maybe you can spend a week a month with her while your husband keeps the kids with him so they are still doing their normal routines. Maybe a very trust worthy friend can help you during the time you are with your Mom. I don't think that I would take the children away from their normal routines to go to Colorado for an extended period of time. Depending on their ages, they would miss out a lot on school and other activities.

I know this is a hard decision. I also know that you will do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do for your family.

In my prayers!!

L.

The oppurtunity to care for your mom is incredible. You need to go and take your children if you can. What an incredible lesson for them to learn, a sacred time when family means more than ever. Your children can be there to help and say goodbye if needed and you can care for her. I would go.