my mom had surgery to remove part of her lower intestine (she had cancer) .. the doctors had origionally put a temporary colostomy (?) bag on her.. she had chemo and radiation. They origionally had planned on reconnecting her intestines and removing the bag all together (hence why it was "temporary") Well after the chemo and radiation the area where they would reattach was basically fried so unfortunatley they could not reconnect it (there were other issues but im trying to keep this as short as possible) .. Some weeks ago, maybe about a month, she went in for surgery to have a permanent colostomy bag put in and to remove the rest of her lower intestine. Her recovery has been slow and just within the last couple days shes starting to feel somewhat normal. About a week after her surgery her surgeon called her and said he got back all the blood&biopsy results back and everything was great & she showed no indication of having any signs of cancer still present and as far as he was concerned she was cancer free. My mom asked if she would have to go back for another round of chemo (he told her they might want to do it as a precaution). He told her that he didnt think so but it was ultimatley up to the other doctor. She has 2 other doctors she was seeing.. one was the oncologist and the other was the one in charge of the chemo/radiation (not sure what the technical term is) .. Well the oncologist happens to be an old friend of my fathers so theyve stayed in touch through out the whole process
My dad just came home from work not too long ago and said i needed to "talk some sence" into my mother. Apparently his friend, the oncologist, called him today and said that the other doctor (the one who does the chemo) said hes been trying to get in touch with her for weeks and shes not returning his calls.. and also that he made her aware that the 2 of them agreed that she should still go back in for a round of chemo.
Bsically she;d pissed. In her mind she had the surgery, shes cured, shes done. When you try to talk to her about it she just gets extremely agrivated and says i dont have to do anything i dont want to and becomes extremely defensive.. im just not sure what to say to her.. i mean i get it, its been an extremely difficult year&6months for her, i totally understand that, but its like this is something she needs to do and shes just acting like its no big deal and that shes cured.
She doesn't need a guilt trip.
She doesn't need "sense" talked into her.
Her body. Her health. Her life. Her choice.
I suggest a gentle talk with her to help you understand the reasoning behind her decision.
All the best.
Don't try to talk sense into her. She doesn't need anyone to try to boss her into things at this point. She needs to feel in control of her medical decisions. But you should lend an ear for her to talk over her fears and concerns. You can bring up the idea of getting a second opinion also. See if she wants to take all her medical info and go talk to another oncologist.
I think you and your father need to respect your mom's choice in this matter. It's her decision. Pestering her about it won't do any good.
As long as your mom is a competent adult this is her decision to make. You don't know what's going on in her head, or how much research she's done, etc.
It's her body and her choice.
I might talk to her once and then I would butt out. And I would tell my dad not to triangulate me into it.
Good luck.
I'm sure your mom would rather not do chemo again. Since she's done it once, she knows that it's no picnic.
All you can really do is tell her that the chemo will help safeguard her from recurrence. Give her the statistics on survival if her cancer were to recur.
If it were my mom, I would play the "do you want to be around to see your granddaughter grow up" card.
But ultimately, it's her body and her decision. You can't force her to do chemo if she doesn't want to.
Good luck!
Plan her funeral. Ask her what all she wants for her funeral, make sure she has a will, and ask about last wishes.
Maybe then reality will kick in...
It's her life and her choice. She DOESN'T have to have any medical treatment that she doesn't want. Jeez, the doctors can't even agree what the benefit of another round of that hell would be for her. I certainly don't blame her, after being told she is "cancer free" to choose not to put herself through that ordeal again.
If I were the patient, the most I would do would be to get a third opinion, since the first two disagree. Then, I would insist that this be my decision.
What's the possibility of giving her a holiday from all the treatments? Since it is the holiday's, she gets one too?
And then step up to the cheerleader role. Let her have some downtime from these exhausting treatments. Let her feel well for just a little while. Then re-start the process.
She sounds like she's had enough and wants and needs a break and what a perfect time of the year to celebrate her life, and enjoy her and love on her.
I think you have to find the right moment and say, "Mom, I love you, and I'm scared. I know another round of chemo is probably the last thing you want. But I also know that it greatly improves your chances of survival, and that's what I really want. More time with you, Mom. I know this is your decision, and I know that I need to respect your decision, whatever it is. I just really want you to know that I am here for you and that I love you."
Hmmm, as I'm reading what I just wrote, I think that might have been laying it on a bit too thick, but you get the idea. You need to appeal to her emotionally. She is tired and emotionally spent. She needs to know that you get where she's coming from, at least to the extent that you can.
It sounds like you and your dad have been trying to reason with her (using logic and statistics). She might need to know that you get it on an emotional level.
You can tell her your fears, and you can tell her what you would like for her to do, but it's still going to have to be her decision. I guess what I'm getting at is that you want to make sure that she's fully informed and educated before she makes her decision... but suppose she already is? Disagreeing with her decision doesn't mean she's making the wrong decision for herself.
Of course I can say that since she's not my mom. I don't envy the position that you're in. But I do know how I would want to be treated if I were in your mom's shoes.
It really is her decision. Was watching Bill n guilianna Rancic about new baby and her cancer. Now she has a new baby. Pathology was worse than expected re her breast cancer. Doctors told her chemo. She said no. She is doing Tamoxifen. Personally I think she is crazy. How old is your Mom.
She already had chemo. Did tumor infiltrate bowel wall. Sounds like this chemo is a "just in case". That really does change things. Give her some time. Maybe go for a third opinion. Sorry she is going thru this.
I am going to give you a bit of perspective that none of the other posters have yet.
I am a cancer survivor. I was diagnosed at 21 with Hodgkin's Disease. I followed all my doctors orders, did all the tests and chemo and radiation and after 8 months of nasty treatments was told I was cancer free. I went back 3 months later for a follow up appointment and was told my cancer was back, a few cells that hadn't been caught the first time around had begun to form another mass. I lost it. I got so angry and basically threw an adult temper tantrum. I refused treatment and said I wasn't going to put myself through this again. That mindset lasted about a week. I calmed down, refocused and realized, through many conversations with loved ones, how silly that choice was. This March will be 15 years of remission!
Treatment for cancer is HARD. On your body, mind and spirit. Sometimes you need to take a break, reflect, refocus and get back into the fight. What helped me was knowing how many people really cared about how I was FEELING MENTALLY not physically. When people validated what I felt rather than tried to correct my feelings, I was more open to listening.
Your mom has fought this hard and for this long...give her a bit of time to refocus and then give her that support and motivation to get back in the game!! Good luck and best wishes to you and your family.
It's your mothers decision on whether she wants chemo or not. Give her a break.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
I think all of you need family counseling. It sounds like your dad is scared, this was not part of his plan. He probably planned to live many more yers with your mom and now he is afraid he will have to negotiate the 'golden years' alone. This is very frightening for many people. He should not put you in the middle here. You need your Mom and it's scary to be a young woman with children and not have your Mom around to listen, help and just be there.
But both of you need to understand it is her decision and only her decision. if she is done fighting then she is done fighting and you both need to come to terms with the fact that she may die before you are ready. I'm sorry you are going through this, just be as loving and supportive as you can be.
I'd want to drag her there myself and force her into it, but you can't. She needs support and love, even if you don't support her decision. It's her choice, and hopefully she chooses to be healthy and around for years to come, but cancer is a scary thing. One doctor told her she was cured so in her mind she's done.
