Need Advice - Wrightstown,NJ

Quote: Nobody saw anything...get out now. Is the boyfriend more important than finding out in the hospital that you stayed for the wrong reasons?

T., my pediatrician once told me if my daughter did not have any bruises he would be concerned.

With that said let me be honest with you. . . I have a hard time believing your story. First you say "but he was with me the whole day watchin tv and drawing". Then you say "We think that he might have been rough housing with my boyfriends kids". So which one it it? Maybe next time you should keep a more watchful eye over him.

If you don't know what happened then you don't but if you know something just speak up. That is unless you are hiding something. Responsible adults don't make excuses, they own up to their problems and mistakes and grow from the resolutions.

I don't know a kid who got taken away from his mother becasue of 1 bruise. I wouldn't speak to this guys mom and if she calls calmy deal with them.

This sounds like a tough and scary time for you. The first thing you have to do is be honest about what is going on. For starters, you said he looked like he got hit, but that he was with you the whole day watching tv and drawing. Then you said maybe he got hit rough-housing with your boyfriends' kids. Which was it? Was he sitting around watching tv all day and coloring, or was he roughhousing with older kids when you weren't looking? You need to think it through and be very clear in your own mind. What really did happen?

My children lived with me after divorce, and I would have been VERY suspicious of any bruises that showed up when they were with their dad. the way to resolve this kind of thing is to be honest with your ex. If your son has is sporting a new bruise, you need to admit it and tell him that there's a new bruise on his face, and tell him what you do and don't know. The other thing about bruises-- esp black eyes -- is that they show up a day or so AFTER the hit, unless it's severe. I've had goose eggs from blows to the head that became black eyes the next day, not the day of the injury. (I once got hit by a baseball right on my forehead, and ended up with 2 black eyes everyone blamed on my spouse !! It was kind of funny, but the truth is that I suck at catching baseballs !! always have) So you should be watching what happens when your son is in your custody, but you should also be aware of the condition he is in when he comes to you.

Things you can do to deal with the situation the way it is now? Find things to do with your son that aren't at your boyfriend's house. Take control of where you go and what you do. He is only 2 1/2, and I don't know how old the other kids are, but it would seem that he should be doing things that a 2 yr old would do, and he should be spending time with Mom whom he doesn't see all that often. Perhaps you can go to Mcdonald's and play in the play area, or go to a childrens' library, or take him somewhere and DO something there with him. And for those times that you do happen to land at your boyfriend's house, keep your eyes open and SEE what is going on. This is your son, and since you are no longer married to his dad, he is your next-of-kin, and your primary relationship. He is also your responsibility. And if you want to get custody of your son, you will move out of your boyfriend's house and find the place for the two of you.

Your son is only 2 1/2, and it sounds like this is early in the separation/divorce stage of life. He really doesn't need to become a part of your bf's household, and to lose a set of pseudo-family when the relationship breaks up. If you aren't marrying the guy, you and your son should not be living with hm, because it will only cause more hurt and loss in his life as he adopts people who become family to hm, trusts them, and they disappear from the landscape.

So get busy and find a place to live. A one BR apt is fine, because he is young, and you can sleep on the couch. If he means the world to you, then take pro-active action to keep him in your life, and to prove to his other family that you are responsible and are providing a safe and healthy environment for him. There is obviously distrust between the ex-laws. You don't have to relate to his parents, but you DO have to relate to your ex-hub for the next 16 years. So be as honest as you can with him, build the kind of life for you and your son that you want him and you to have. Make a plan and act on it. If you take action and are pro-active rather than re-active you will be in a much better position to take control of your life and to build a safe and happy one in which your son can mature and be a healthy young boy.

Start with your budget. how much do you earn? What can you afford. Get apt hunting. It can be small, but it MUST be safe. If you don't yet have a job, get a job, so you have the income to take care of your son. As a single mom you need to seriously look at your options - do you need to get additional education in order to get a good job ? Even if your son lives with you, your ex will probably babysit if you take night classes, and there's financial aid for those who need it. Think about your future and get cracking. Your initiative will also impress the ex-laws, and they will have to admire you, even if it is begrudging admiration.

Sometimes we don't feel like we have the resources to accomplish all this. After divorce it's easy to feel badly about yourself, and to not see yourself as a person of worth. But you can do this. It doesn't take superior strength or superior intelligence. It takes love and determination, and the best thing about having children, is that we have a reason to SUCCEED --- to force ourselves to pull ourselves up and make a good life for our kids, and in the end, for ourselves, too.

YOU can do this. But we all need support systems. Think about finding a church family. They will love you, and love your child, and you will find some positive role models, as well as find poeple who will be a resource to you when you need resources.

T.,
I know you are in a difficult situation and I know you love your son. A previous post of yours really cast doubt on whether you son's father was fit (i.s. alcohol addiction). You are a mother now the last thing your son needs in his life is a boyfriend in the picture. OR the "boyfriends kids." Sorry to say, in my opinion, your love life will have to wait until your son is grown. Do you watch the news at all or read a newspaper? There are just too many situations where a mother's "boyfriend" causes harm to her kid(s). I'm not accusing your boyfriend of anything but you cannot take that chance. Ever.
I'm not trying to sound judgmental, but this is a situation you have created by having a child with a man you were not married to and now you are "staying with" another boyfriend. You need to get your life in order--no matter what it takes. Get a job, get a house or apartment and say goodbye to your boyfriend.
If you put your son and yourself first, everything else will fall into place. It may not be easy but your son deserves nothing less. My opinion. Good luck to you.

I really don't have any advice for you. But don't all kids fall and get bumps and bruises? Kids will be kids...rough housing and all. If this is the first time it has happened, and you have nothing to hide (as I am sure you don't), then I wouldn't worry. I mean, what is the worst dyfs could do? Follow you? Supervise your visits temporarily? I have no experience with this sort of thing, but I can't imagine that they would take your child away because of one bruise.

If your child's father's mother does call and some sort of investigation does come of it, just remain calm and explain what happened. You getting upset/angry and making unjust threats certainly won't help the situation for anyone. Just remember, your son is the most important thing. Look out for his safety above all else. Good luck to you.

I'm not sure what I can tell you legally, but as a mother of 3 I know first hand that bruises happen, especially when kids are playing. If you're saying that it's actually his mother that's doing the threatening, then talk to your son's father. He may have a different perspective on things, depending on you situation with him. I hope things work out for you, especially during this time of year. Good luck.

I would suggest telling her that kids get hurt all the time and that nobody hurt him.and that he was rough housing with the other kids , just tell her the truth because dyfs is a pain in the .....

You should be okay if this is only the first time. That is ashame that the woman is taking it this far. You need to make sure that you do not give her anything to feed off of. People like that are tough...i am sorry...i hope everything works out. Try to get yourself on your feet as quickly as you can...it will help.

Calm down, she just trying to make your life miserable.

Is there anything in writing about your son's custody? sounds like grandma wants her son to keep custody.

Keep a record of all your visits and anything that might have happened. Also make sure on time, call him often.

Is this something new?

Kids are kids and he will get many more bruises. She knows that and is just trying to get him taken away from you. He would not be taken away for one bruise, just as other people have said.
But I do want to let you know that once you gave him to his father, you may never be able to get him back. You better get moving and get a place FAST!!! My best friend left her husband and was trying to get a place. Her husband went to court quick and won. All because she had no place. Then she lived with a boyfriend, trying to get on her feet. But then she could never afford to pay him support and save enough to get a place big enough for them. To this day she was never able to get them back because after about a year, the judge saw it as she didn't try hard enough and why move them now. The up side is they do share custody but he is always the one in control.

T. P

Hurry up and get that apartment so that you can have your son living with you. I hope the temporary situation is in writing. Remember he will have a lot more cuts, scrapes and bruises throught out his life unless you put him in a bubble.
Good Luck hope it all works out for you.

I don't know alot about your situation, but I have a 2 1/2 year old son and he always has scrapes, scratches, bumps & bruises on him. That's what little boys are best at! He was probably just playing and got it by accident. Did/can he tell you how he hurt himself? Mine doesn't talk a ton yet, but he can usually tell me how he got a "boo boo".

HI T.,

Number 1, Don't allow your boyfriend to be alone with your son. If your son's grandmother and father is taking care of your son right now, they are falling in love with him. They will start fighting you tooth and nail to get custody.

Number 2, Some states do not allow a woman to cohabit with a man and keep her child/ren.

Number 3, Allowing your ex-husband to take care of your child and your living with another man was not a good move on your part.

You are telling us that the deck is stacked against you, yes, you are right. You are headed for a battle.

Good luck. Go to Family Mediation in your town. Set up some agreements. D.