To make a long story short. I've known my friend, her husband and 14 year old daughter for about a year or little more than a year. Recently her husband had asked for a divorce, the third time, and she was all upset about it and I can understand that. She said she was ready to leave him, raise her daughter (her husband isn't the father) and move on. She was done dealing with his stuff and she was done with everything. Or so I thought. Now I've been there the first couple of times her husband said he wanted a divorce and she ended up going back to him. She did this last time around and I felt like what I've said to her and suggested to her was just going in one ear and out the other. Now she's pretty much letting everyone know the drama that is going on with her soon to be ex-husband and herself on facebook. I haven't really talked to her much and I don't really have much to say to her. I don't want drama around me or in my life. Last night she asked if my husband, son and I could come over to her house for dinner since she is lonely or if she could come over to my place. I told I have to see what my husband says and how my son's day is gonna be. My husband can deal with her but he's right about me being on the fence with it all.
I don't want to seem rude but I don't know how to tell her that I'm done with the drama and that the friendship has ran it's course. So what would you do? I wanna know if what I'm feeling is ok or it's not.
I did go to her place and had dinner. She did talk about her husband but I didn't say a word and didn't really have much to say about the whole situation. I realized that it's not my problem and that if she's gonna talk well she's gonna talk. I just won't respond cause I don't want to be apart of it.
I had a good time when she wasn't talking about her situation. I'm glad I went. I'll keep her as a friend but just keep my opinions to myself.
Thank you for all who gave me good advise.
Well, depends on how good of friends you are. You can spend time together, be supportive of her decision (no matter the outcome) and NOT get involved in the drama. Don't offer an opinion, just listen.
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As a poster in a preschool classroom once said:"All feelings are okay. It's what you do with them that counts."
It's all right to feel exhausted by her roller-coaster life. I think that playing out one's personal dramas on Facebook, though, says a bit about a person. (I'm not making a blanket judgment here, but to me this suggests some lack of personal boundaries.) I also would question why everyone is invited to dinner instead of her just asking "Could you come over? I need to talk." And depending on the age of your son, some of her conversation may not be appropriate for younger ears.
If it were me personally, I think I'd say "You know, Friend, this is hard for me. I want to support you, but I'm not sure about how to go about doing this. I feel like you aren't sure of what you want in regard to your relationship with your husband, and maybe you need to talk to someone who can help you figure it out. I don't think I'm really the right person to be objective for you." When the protests started, I would say "Listen, I've already told you what I think. It seems like you didn't want to hear it. And I'm not sure what you want from me now, nor am I sure I can make you feel better about all of this."
Also--just a question: what were the parts of your friendship that you *did* like at first? With friends, there's a mutual attraction in some way, similar interests, that sort of thing. If you don't have that connection anymore, I know it's hard to make it come back. It sounds like perhaps you have felt drawn in by her, pushed away by her (since she ignored what advice you had to offer), and are now being drawn in again. Which likely doesn't feel good.
I don't think there's ever a polite way to tell someone "I don't want to be friends anymore". So I have no answers there. (And she may likely flay you on FB, too. ) Usually, in my adult relationships, when one party or the other was less interested, the calls just stopped. I suppose if you wanted to be direct, you could just tell her "I need a break from the stress of your relationship with your husband. I know it's become your whole world, but it's creeping into mine too." If you want to save the friendship, you could advise her on some self-protection/boundaries she needs, mainly to keep up a little dignity and not let her personal life play out online.
What a sticky situation. I'll be curious to see other posts, too.
Of course what you are feeling is okay. How you respond will set a trend. I would probably go over to her house for dinner, because if you invite her to your house she may see that as an open invite to invite herself over whenever she's feeling down.
Being honest is always better than dragging it on. If you truly feel you do not wish to be friends with this girl anymore tell her. But remember this if you end up having Drama in your life you would be thankful to have a friend to talk to.
Cut her some slack. You can be casual friends with a person and stay out of the drama. It's just about being careful and honest about what you tell her. Also, don't give her any advice... keep it a balancing act, she'll get the hint.
Outgrown friendship.
It happens.
Either let it wither on the vine, or tell her. Diplomatically.
She is yes, having a hard time, not handling it well.
You- are tired of it and burn out from it and all the drama. It is a drain on a person. I can relate. I knew someone like that. We are no longer friends.
It just faded away. It drained ME too much and was affecting my own self. Did not want that to happen. It was miserable talking to her. For me.
Toxic side-effects... which a person can burden another with.
So you decide, what to do.
And what is healthiest for you... all around.
Tell her she can get a Counselor for herself.
You cannot be that.
I'd be done with her. She is in a different league than you are. Just tell her you don't have time right now and you'll catch her later. You can stay in "casual touch" with her on FB and over the years you might like to hang with her again, but right now, nah. You don't need the drama.
Hi J.,
It sounds like your friend might be the type of person who looks for drama. I had a friend just like yours and had to just call it quits. Personally, life is better without having a total drama queen in it. I decided after my child was born that I didn't need that type of energy to be around our house. It was a very tough decision and took about a year or two for me to make, but now that it's been over for some time, I must say that life for me is SO much better. I have also found out how to choose my friends more wisely. The question I asked myself is, "How do I feel after I spend time with this person?" I found that I increasingly felt bitter and cynical after being with my friend.
I am now choosing my friends more wisely these days and found that life is definitely better on the other side of the proverbial fence.
I remember once hearing Maya Angelou giving words of wisdom. One of them that she shared was, "When someone shows you their true side, believe them the first time." I keep that in mind when deciding who I want to keep close to me.
I wish you the very best with this. I know it's tough, but you really need to ask yourself if the friendship is worth how it makes you feel and the repercussions it can put on your family.
Take care and good luck!
L.
Hello J.,
I have a friend who used to behave like this. You, being the good friend you are, get so emotionally involved it starts to feel like you are one of the initmate members in the situation. It's a very hard place to be. What I had to do was just remove myself from any and all communication from my friend. I didn't even explain myself, and to be honest, her selfishness really shined through at that point as she seemed to not even notice I was gone!! Imagine that .. :) These type of people feed off of drama, if there is not something EXTREMELY sad or happy going on in their lives, they aren't content. If you aren't there to feed into the whole drama thing with her husband, you may even be helping by forcing her to actually start looking at the real situation instead of just giving a commantary on the events.
It took my friend some time, and she did leave the husband and she's not such a crazy drama-mama anymore.
I had to jump ship, all her craziness was starting to take over my life, I was always unhappy, feeling guilty .. and for no reason!!
good luck
W.
Yes, you have every right to stay away and if you feel like you are not going to be a supportive friend, then just be honest and let her know that right now, with all of the drama, you are not the right person for her to turn to and wish her well. On the other hand, maybe find time to talk with her. Be a friend. Sometimes as a friend you can simply tell her what you can do to support her and how it makes you feel when she lowers herself to the level of displaying her negative thoughts on FB. You are not wrong with your feelings at all and I don't think I'd include my whole family in the "visits" but maybe just once in a while when she is sad and lonely, you can make the time to spend time with her as long as it is not a negative, ex bashing session. Let her know you are on her side but that you are limited to the available time that you have and try to keep it upbeat.
Good luck..sometimes friendships can be trying. Like with all relationships, some run their course and others are worth digging in and seeing it through the rough patch. It is up to you and how deep you think the relationship is.
