Need a Suggestion as to How to Get Step Children to Listen...

There are a lot of pieces to this puzzle.

Two things that pop to mind: family counseling for everyone. Blending a family is difficult in the best of circumstances, and added support gives everyone a better head start. This isn't about fixing anyone in particular, its about building good bridges, finding common ground, and helping to create a safe environment for expression of one's needs and feelings. None of these things are negotiable needs-- they are required in any family-- and this support will be an asset to all of you.

Second, and I say this from experience: kids are more likely to listen to us when we find ways to constructively listen to them, and if we take time/make emotional space in our own lives to listen, they are more likely to be forthcoming. Listening is a mutual respect deal. I would highly recommend "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen... and How to Listen so Kids will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. Certainly, your partner should be the first person in the room to discipline his kids whenever possible, but I know that realistically, this won't always be an option. Having techniques at hand for helping the children work through their challenges, to help make plans for changing undesired actions/ bad habits... all of this is taught in the book, and it's an interesting book to read. (in other words, not boring or pedantic). If you and your partner take time to read it together, it will be helpful for both of you, because being on the same page as parents is essential.

Lastly, another book suggestion is "Taking Charge: Loving Discipline for Parents and Teachers" by JoAnn Nordling. Be sure to read "How to talk..." first, for the tools it provides. This book takes you to the next level, in helping you assess why/how these undesired behaviors and habits are happening, and some great techniques for changing those behaviors without losing your cool. My preschool teacher friends and I all consider this book a gold standard for our work as teachers, and as a former nanny and parent, I use the ideas in this book weekly or more.

Hope this gives you some ideas. Best wishes,
H.

I think that in order to get the step kids in line,
you will need to UNDO a lot of the negative stuff
from their history, if at all possible.
The therapist will help with this.

I __do__ want to point out that asking WHY,
especially of the 6-year-old,
is __not__ a good use of your or his time or energy.
He cannot tell you WHY.

A lot of his inappropriate behavior is coming from anger,
frustration, that he is unable (as yet) to put words to.
This is probably impulsive negative behavior
that may be extinguishable over time with help.

I think you may need to have a meeting with the 10-year-old
in which you share with her you realize how hard it is
to learn new ways of behavior, new attitudes
but that it's in her best interest to try to incorporate
the way your family "works" together.
Also, that you need her help w/6-year-old.
It would be a good idea to work toward family-as-team
and away from them as a unit against the rest of you.

Also, if this feels right to you, consider having an entire "family meeting"
in which you describe behaviors and expectations of everyone.
Perhaps demonstrate/role-model PLEASE, THANK YOU, EXCUSE ME, etc.

Point out that hissy fits and sulking will not earn privileges
but positive behaviors and cooperation will.

Make sure that you and partner on "on the same page"
regarding responses to negative behaviors.
You mentioned "discipline" for certain behaviors but,
sighhh . . . . , I'm taking from this that means
something like taking privileges away after a negative situation.

I'm hoping the two of you can come up with a system
that rewards positive situations, and gives far less notice
to negative situations.

I imagine you've had, or will have,
some excellent reading recommendations.

Congratulations on your good work toward making this family
become a well-functioning loving community.
=============================
Tossing a couple more books into the mix . . .
as if you have time to read. hee hee hee hee.

These are OLD books but I found them very valuable.
I am not suggesting them __instead of__ but __in addition to__
Hazel's recommendations.

YOUR CHILD'S SELF ESTEEM, Dorothy Corkille Briggs
BETWEEN PARENT AND CHILD, Haim Ginott

You might also find it helpful to read any of Berry Brazelton's books
on developmental stages.

You don't need to buy any of these.
They are all available at your public library.

It took some time but it works. He has to sit down with them and you and explain that they have to respect you and he needs to teach them how to be thankfull as well. God only knows what the mom is telling them. I have two step children myself they are now 17 and 19 they have learn to respect me. I have been in there lives since 7 and 9 the girl is the older one. There father has to show them that he is with you and they need to understand that. It will not happen over night. I never discipline them, it was not my place. I did not let them be ruid to me but I will let him handle that since they were not my children. Its a very fine line. Good Luck I know its hard.

Family therapy. It can only help.

I'm thinking if the kids went from visiting their own dad only 2 days a week to now living w/ him and all the rest of you, there is a lot of stress going on. Where's their mom? They are so young and to have a major change of homes is huge. They don't have a way to express this. They may not even realize what they're doing is related to it. They are just kids. I'm not saying they don't need to work on their behavior, but having sympathy and empathy for them is good too.

It doesn't sound like dad is around a lot. They've already lost their mom (not living w/ her anymore) and they still don't have their dad. Perhaps some changes need to be made to his work schedule to get him home more.

Good luck to all of you. It sounds like a very stressful situation.

how do you get any kid to listen biological or step.you have to do trial and error and get the point through their head one way or another. either you give the kids control or you put your foot down and take control.step or biological the rule applies to both

Hello, I don't want to be harsh in any way, and what you're doing is very heroic. I don't know if I would be able to handle the job of becoming a step mom. It's hard enough as it is to be a mom to your own children. From what I understand, you're not married to the gentleman your with. If you need to think things through about this sort of responsibility, could you ask for a break in any way? This is a lifetime reponsibility not only to your kids but to someone elses. This is not the Brady Bunch that we used to see on T.V. The children came from some kind of disfunctional home. It will take a lot to teach them to be thankful for certain things in their lives, obey the rules of the home and to get along with one another. I don't feel things will get any easier as time progresses either. My cousin remarried too. She had one child and adopted the two daughters her new husband had. It's a tough road. They're in their teenage years now, her job hasn't got any easier. If you can rethink this through can you do so? I know you love the man you're with, but don't forget you'll also be marrying into his family and the problems they carry.
Wishing you luck, and health...

Wow another person walking the same path as I...(a little about me 1st - I have 3 children of my own - boy 11, boy 10 & girl 8 1/2 - my fiancee has 2 children - girl 13 & boy 11 1/2 & we just had a baby girl together 6 mos.) My children's father is no longer in their lives (maybe 10% of the time) and my fiancee's mother lives in another state with 3 other children and is in her children's lives about 20% of the time; pretty much we have full custody - everyday all day!

Now with that said, the beginning was easy - his kids yearned for a mother-figure and my kids yearned for a father-figure...it was the rules of the house (mostly his kids) that were harder on everyone...they moved into My/our home from an apt., and they loved the idea of having "their own space" but they didn't understand boundaries or certain rules. Because I had set rules in my house and my kids were younger we needed to adjust them...which called for extensive "family meetings"...the rules were set and adjusted and still are now 2 years later...It will never be easy, but it will definitely have more positive moments for everyone as time goes on...we have rules, punishments, chores, rewards, allowances, wishes, desires, wants and goals, and we all have to agree on how we are going to go about it.

My approach began with letting them understand who I am, where I am come from, what I expect and we can go from there (future aspirations/goals or changes). They did that in return...believe me when I say...its not always a positive thing...I definitely didn't like some of the things they said or did and I know they thought I was crazy for expecting some of the things I was/still expecting (ie. grades - have always been rewarded in my house - you are expected to get good grades - its just something you do - otherwise, get help - tutoring, studying, extra credit, etc. There is no reason what-so-ever to get anything less than a B if you are trying and put your best foot forward, thereby you get rewards. I know it sounds harsh, but my children are all on the honor roll and now after 2 years of adjustments so are my "step-children"). Their father is always in the same "boat" as I am...if we disagree or dislike something we try to all discuss it as a family - unless it really needs to discuss in private. He expects the same from my children. We both work, so we try to have a balance approach on the entire household.
First, none of my children are considered step - it actually irks me when so people refer to my "step-children" as such, because they have delevoped enough of a repoir with me that they call me mom and should be respected as much. We consider each child an individual with a say in the family. Second, no one is above another, regardless of age. Third, we are a family, no matter what the "outside world" says or thinks, we are a family and we will stick by everyone as such. This I found helped in respect for me to them and them towards me, because they knew and saw that I would stand up for them, defend them/ or punish them because I am theirs and vice versa.

My friends and family, as well as my finacee's, help alot, they speak/interact/acknowledge to all of the children as part of a social networking family. Our past Christmas celebration was huge and we solved it by doing a "Secret Santa" - each kid got something on their "wishlist", something that was new to everyone; and it worked out real well.

Ok, so enough about me, I just wanted to give you some of my "real life" experiences. Hopefully, this helps and shows that everyone will have obstacles and its just how we can manage them - right or wrong - then work with them to make it as positive as possible.

As far as you, well the challenge is 1st with you, how do you feel about your "step-children", where do you see yourself with your husband/boyfriend, and are you committed to this for the rest of your life as well as theirs? If the answer is yes, well now all you have to do is move forward and take each experience and treat it as such, understand their is only 2 outcomes (good or bad) and then learn from them and teach them to the entire family! Family Meetings are amazing and will get better as every child gets older, more comfortable and gains knowledge of their "role" in the family. Then you and your husband must decide on how to manage "together" the family dynamics - always make room for adjustments - and work on it - make sure he understands - the responsibility has to be shared no matter what - whether it you take on the leadership in household chores or he takes on the leadership in schoolwork, whatever your strengths are you start with that and split it down the middle - if it seems to be a little lop-sided, then re-shuffle the responsibilities until they are as close to balance as possible. Once this is set implement a plan and discuss it as a family. Your 6 year will start to understand and want to be a part of it. As far as the lying, well I guess that goes for any kid, what you need to do 1st is realize, why they are lying - it is just because they feel that you are not going to be around forever "so, who cares what she thinks?" or is it they feel like if they tell the truth its going to be worse or that they are going to have to walk on "eggshells" until it gets better - once that is determined - go from there to work on the problem, if it calls for a punish or a time out of some sort or taking away an object of theirs until they earn it back - then so be it.

I am not sure why I wrote for so long, but it seems to be something I was compelled to do. I hope I helped you in some way, and didn't seem like it was just all craziness. My prayers are always with you as God is helping you to walk this path, you will find a way to get through it all!

Love and God Bless