Nd Help

I wish I had some advice but as the mom of 15 and 12 year old girls I'm afraid she sounds typical for her age. Adolescence is a difficult time, and girls (IMO) are way more difficult than boys. I no longer try to "control" my fifteen year old's attitude. I have stepped back, I ignore the back talk and general nastiness and let her flounder in her misery. I know that sounds awful but she's got a lot of growing to do. All I can do is set the boundaries and expectations, if she doesn't like it, too bad.
As far as you husband goes, he probably just sees it as a power struggle between two females, and honestly it sounds like that's what it is. I did the same thing with my first daughter around the age of 12 when she started acting like a spoiled, manipulative you-know-what! Like I said, step back, be consistent with the boundaries, but do NOT play into the drama. If she gets snotty, walk away. That's how you show her you won't tolerate it, do not engage.
Good luck, it's going to be a long, bumpy road :(

No offense, but you sound like a martyr. You talk about yourself like your a saint, and everyone else in the world is evil and against you. IMO, you have created your role as the "evil stepmother". It doesn't sound like you treat your step daughter very well.

I am a step daughter myself. My step mother treated me horribly. I didn't feel safe around her, and I didn't feel loved by her. Are you making your step daughter feel loved and safe? If not, I don't blame her for not liking you. Your JOB is to make her feel safe and loved. I am sure you make your son feel that way. Do you treat her with the same love and care you treat your own son?

Run, don't walk, to therapy. All of you.

I don't mean to sound harsh. It's just that I know what this poor girl is going through. I have been there myself, and it sucks! I feel for her. You need to grow up and treat her with love and kindness. No matter how horribly you feel she is treating you. She is only 13 for goodness sake! Good luck to all of you.

I'm sorry, MLB, my answer to this is the same (unpopular) answer to most 'difficult step child' questions.

1) When this child's parents split, did someone sit down with her and ask her if it was ok with her? Did ANYONE consider the effect it would have on her life as she thus far knew it?

2) When you and her father decided to get married, did you ask her approval? Was her opinion considered?

3) When you decided you wanted a child by HER father, did you ask if that was ok with her? If she'd said no, that was not ok, would you have done it anyway?

The point is, this child has had to adjust to MANY changes in her life caused by an ADULT'S decision, she HAS no choices, you and her father and her mother have ALL the choices. Everyone of those CHOICES effects this child. Everyone changes HER life too.

Frankly, it's no small wonder she's 'insolent'. Perhaps if some adult, ANY adult in her life, started putting her NEEDS before their OWN, she might come around.

Of course I suggest therapy, for ALL of you, but ESPECIALLY for her, if only to create the feeling for her SOMEONE is on her side (even if it is a paid professional).

:(

How about taking a minute to put yourself in her shoes and have some empathy? Her Mom left her and then her Dad married someone else and had a baby. Now during her adolescence, which is already difficult, she has to compete with a child who is lucky enough to have both his parents there to love him. She has to go back and forth between homes and deal with a stepmom who doesn't think very highly of her. Its a lot for someone her age to handle along with raging hormones. My advice - 1. make sure she gets quality time with her Dad and with you one on one. 2. Stop treating her and her mom like the enemy. Make every overture possible to show them you are all on the same side. One big happy team is what kids need.

You put your step-daughter's mother down quite a lot, while building yourself and your motherly skills up. If you have been saying things in front or in ear shot of the child about her mother that could be "part" of the reason she has become resentful.

You also say it was your husband that wanted another child. Did you prefer not to have a baby or did you and your husband want to have a child together?

It also sounds like your step-daughter was helpful to you after her brother was born and you were not well. Maybe your attitude toward her at that time caused her to begin disliking you more, and becoming closer to her mom.

If you truly feel your baby is in danger, you must talk to your husband. However, the way you describe your home life (i.e. "disengage, protect myself, deal with her unsafe ways, can't talk to my husband, etc."), makes your home sound more like a war zone with the lines drawn between you and your baby and your husband and his daughter.

Most kids from broken homes have a fantasy about their parents getting back together. In this case it doesn't seem like your husband's former wife has any desire to reunite. But if you can't come to terms with him regarding both his children, treat them both the same, and perhaps seek some family counseling, things will only get worse.

Blessings....

I want to give you the benefit of the doubt because sometimes our tone or intention is lost over text. Your post was very 'us vs. her' and was frankly disturbing. She is your husband's daughter. It sounds very much like you don't consider her one of your 'kids', just a threat to your own child (who is her sibling by blood, by the way).

It's admirable that you took her into your home in lieu of after school care, but did you hate to do it? Did you resent her for it? It just sounds like the foundation between you and this very young girl is shaky. How long were you with her dad before you got pregnant? Were her parents divorced long before you started dating him?

It sounds like you've got both a typical pre-teen girl and a little one who has a lot of hurt, angry feelings about her family situation. Remember that you are the adult, you know how to handle big feelings. She is still so, so young and probably very possessive of her father. It's understandable.

How about you try and take the 'parent' shoes off for a while with her. Let her DAD discipline her, she will take it better from him anyway. Can you do some bonding time with her? What does she like to do? Get her nails done? Go camping? Sounds like you could both use time to get to know one another without the parent-child roles in the way.

It's also disturbing that you have pegged your marital problems on a little kid. You can't talk to her dad because she has played you against him? That's garbage, I'm sorry. She is a child. She SHOULD be first in her Dad's life. How is she unsafe with your two year old? She isn't a little adult, she is a teenager. If she is snappy at the baby, it's because she is going through hormonal hell and has no life experience to keep her emotions in check. You do though, so what gives?

Good luck, I'm sure you didn't mean it to come across so harshly and maybe the other moms didn't read it that way. This is a very tricky situation and it's good that you are being so proactive in trying to make it better. Her dad needs to step up, and you need to step back.

First of all, she sounds like a normal teenage girl. Snotty -100% typical 13 year old! That doesn't mean it's okay or that she shouldn't be corrected, but it is to be expected. Also-it's great she fell in love with her new sibling, but don't expect a 13 year old to be overjoyed with the company of a 2.5 year old unless they're being paid to babysit or they're in the mood to play with a little kid. Most families of children this far apart in age who I know have lots of older kids trying to stay as far away from the little ones as possible because they're annoying and the teenagers are very self-absorbed -and this is all normal.

Secondly -no matter what your opinion of her mother -DO NOT PUT HER DOWN in front of her daughter. It's a shame she's not more of a mother, but at least at this point she's having a relationship with her daughter -and her daughter needs that. And let me add -if she's working at home, then YES she does need care for her daughter elsewhere. It's a NIGHTMARE trying to deal with your kids and work at the same time! Been there-done that! Maybe at 13 it would work okay, but what's the difference in her using afterschool care when she's working at home than if she was working at an office?

What is the "unsafe" behavior you're talking about? Her being "snotty" isn't unsafe - to you or your child.

I'm glad you're all in family counseling, but nothing you've described here sounds abnormal or strange to me at all about the situation. Make sure in counseling you really go over you and your husband being a united team. THAT will mean everything!

I seriously doubt that a 13 year old can "drive a wedge between" or "break up your marriage" IF it's a good O..

Let her dad handle the discipline and correction. ALL of it.

Let go of the resentment you're feeling from "caring for her" instead of after school care. Of course you did! You were available!

Being a step parent is really tough. You likely feel different about your biological child than you do about her--but here's the secret--Don't let HER feel that.

Youre getting enough advice on most areas so I wont add to it, but I had this thought about the daughter. Why not enrol her in a babysitters class. She will learn CPR, first aid, and how to be responsible for a toddler. She might like knowing a few things about how and what to do with a small child. Maybe if you let her know you have trust in her to be safe and kind to her brother it will help her to treat him better. It might raise her respect for you if she thinks you trust her.

If the problems started when you became pregnant with your son, then something shifted. That insinuates that you and your stepdaughter got along without problems before you became pregnant and had her baby brother. I would hazard a guess that her behavior and attitude changed when YOUR behavior and attitude changed. Don't you think that she felt replaced and pushed aside by this new baby? Suddenly there's this tiny interloper, all fresh and new and getting tons of attention and love. Everyone expects her to deal with it and cope because she's "older and should know better" is my guess, but she's still a child and still needs to feel secure that she's loved as much as her baby brother.

If your own son were behaving as your stepdaughter, you wouldn't have anyone else to blame for his behavior and you would still love him more than your own life. Instead, with this young girl, she's being portrayed as if she has control over this situation. She's a hormonal teenager to boot whose stepmother is seemingly making her father choose between them.

It's not you against her. If you set it up that way, then your husband will choose his children every single time and that's how it should be. Get rid of the battle lines. That girl is not your enemy. She's your family, and she was good enough until you had a baby of your own.

This is a messed up situation...

1. your husband needs to correct HIS daughter. PERIOD. If he allows or tolerates her behavior - he is condoning it.
2. DO NOT EVER let a child come between your marriage - if she does - then your marriage isn't as strong as you'd like to think it is...that's MY opinion...
3. You need to change your attitude towards your SD..sorry - but the more confrontational you are - the worse it will get...you need to lead by example.
4. You cannot change your husband's ex-wife...how sad that she would rather be a friend instead of a parent. You CANNOT change this. Don't try you will be wasting your time.
5. You need to ensure you and your husband are on the same page...discipline is the same - rules are the same FOR BOTH CHILDREN - doesn't matter about the age gap - if either one breaks the rule - the punishment is the same for both - no favorites or excuses (so and so is only 3, etc.)

What are "unsafe" ways? This goes back to rules and boundaries. If you don't have any established then how is she to know what she can and cannot do?

if you can't ask your husband for help - then you are in a sad, sad ship. get a nanny cam and place it strategically placed places in the home where she does not see them and then record her behavior - not only for your husband but for your sanity....if he can't believe that what he sees with his own eyes, then I would just boot him and tell him to go back to his ex-wife and live in la-la land...NO CHILD IS PERFECT - not even yours..

you need to change your attitude as well....you are upset - which is understandable, but if you are negative it won't help the situation at all..you are poised for a fight and playing right into her (a child's) hands...seriously.

When she is snotty with you - tell her matter of factly that that attitude is NOT acceptable in your home. She can go to her room until she can talk like a human.

If she is doing something that is unsafe with the baby - again - you don't say what she does - it might be YOUR opinion because you are over protective your your child...it's obvious to me that you harbor anger and resentment to this child but you are also stooping to her level and giving her control over your life....

Sit down with Hubby and MAKE RULES and CONSEQUENCES for ALL CHILDREN OF THE HOUSEHOLD....if she asks you for something - CHECK with your husband if he is home - to verify she didn't already ask him for "X"....

Here is the thing 13 year olds are more or less snotty and can be mean. Yes, there are exceptions, but as more of my friends have older kids now in their tweens and early teens, I can comfortably say that kids that age are snotty.
Many of them also try to manipulate their parents to get their way. Now in a blended family that may even be easier because of the already existing dynamics between the different adults, but even in a family that isn't blended kids try to play dad against mom and vice versa. It's not acceptable, but normal. They rebel, they assert their independence, they test their boundaries. It's challenging for sure.

Ideally all three adults in her life would come together and address some of the issues that often crop up with a set of rules that are the same in every household. If that's not possible sit down with DH and set up the rules for YOUR house and a system to enforce them.

I don't quite get how she can endanger your baby, unless she is left alone with him - so don't leave them alone...being snotty or even mean to a sibling is pretty common and I honestly wouldn't expect her to be too excited about hanging with her little brother given her age and the age difference. Which of the situations you allude to are truly dangerous and which just bug you because you are protective of your biological child? Address only the truly dangerous situations - at thirteen, if she doesn't have any other siblings or experience with babies, I would not expect her to know 100% how to be safe with toddlers - even many adults don't know.

You should really deal with this in counseling, if you are in family counseling, add marriage counseling sessions for just you an your DH. You sound overwhelmed by the demands of parenting a teenager that is a stepchild to make the situation more complicated. You don't need to protect your family against her, she is PART OF IT. Unless you resolve the opposition you have built up to her and own up to the part that you have played and do play in fueling the situation, this might actually break apart your marriage.
Good luck.

First of all...being hard to deal with, emotional and just generally difficult...sounds like a pretty typical 13 year old to me!!! I have raised a stepson and 3 daughters of my own and ALL of them made me know why some wild animals eat their young!!! ( Just kidding just kidding...). Seriously...it is NOT easy raising teenagers...and when you throw in the step-relationship it just becomes more and more complicated by the moment.
I seem to pick up on some pretty negative vibes from you in your question....and I am afraid that this has become a pretty adversarial relationship between you and your step daughter. As some of the other Mom's have said, put yourself in her place...being a 13 year old is challenging enough all by itself but now she is also having to deal with parents who are divorced, a birth mother who it sounds like is not exactly giving her the structure and guidance that she needs, and a step mother who is making it pretty clear that she isn't exactly on her team.
Think of how you would be dealing with this in 11 years when that sweet, loving little 2 year old of yours is a TEENAGER!!! Look at the end results that you are hoping to achieve...a mature, well balanced young lady who is ready to go out and face the world on her own.
You are the adult in this situation..you need to be her friend and her guide, you can't be her Mother but you can be a great subsitute!!! Believe me, if you love this little girl and give her the care and attention that she wants and deserves she is going to love you for it. My stepson, who is now in his 40's , calls me Mom and says that I have been a blessing to him. What a nice thing to hear!!

Many responses dealt with the 13 year old and you being the grown up. They aren't wrong. But I think your email is a cry for help because you sound so frustrated and unhappy. If you are the only one taking care of yoru two year old you must be very tired and worn out. Is the dad not helping. Some don't. I know your home but when you child turns 3 i suggest you let him go to a baby class twice a week for a few hours. It helps him get his independence and gives you a break to sleep or just veg in front of the tv. On the issue with the teenager remember you have the power and she is rebelling. You need to stop the crazyness and the battles with her. Just walk away. Take your child with you. Get out of the house and take the kid to a park. Let the teenager have some quality time with just her and her dad. Actually I would suggest to him why dont you take so and so and go to the movies. It will be a nice break for both of you. That way they spend some quality time together. It will actually help with your relationship with her. Don't be bossy with her.

I am a stepmother and I can relate.

The problem here is with your husband. He doesn't want to deal with the hard part of parenting a teenager and/or he feels guilty about his daughter having 2 homes. If he's really taking her side, that's a problem. He needs to support you, his wife, for several reasons - the obvious ones, but also that his daughter needs to see that all women deserve respect from the men in their lives so that she doesn't get involved with some guy who doesn't value her or her opinions. If your husband disrespects you, she'll learn that it's okay for a man to do so.

If you were understandably short-tempered at one time, you can own up to that in counseling and admit that you weren't the warmest person around - you were nervous about a new baby, exhausted, learning your way, etc. Maybe you gave your stepdaughter a bit of short shrift. That said, it doesn't make all the problems your fault.

I think you won't get anywhere blaming the mother for not taking care of EVERY holiday and the summer. If she works from home, she WORKS. I do too. I couldn't do my work if I had a child around 24/7, much as I love my child. So don't say "NEVER" about having your child in after school care - even if you are sure you wouldn't do it (and who knows what life will be like for you in 3 or 5 or 8 years?), you don't get anywhere criticizing another woman and her choices. Do not try to make this girl feel badly about her mother - you don't like it when you are criticized and undermined, so don't join in that trap. It is disrespectful, and it will backfire.

If the daughter is complaining to the mom on the phone so that you can hear it, understand that is PLANNED to make you feel badly and/or guilty. Don't buy into it.

If you stepdaughter is manipulating your husband, I say again - HE is your #1 problem and you need to develop a strong relationship there in which he appreciates you and in which he takes full responsibility for his daughter. You and he need to agree on what is safe for your little one, and present a united front to the stepdaughter on what the rules are.

You can ignore the snotty behavior or say that you won't stay in a room where you are disrespected BUT she may continue to do it just to force you to leave. The thing to do is not take her to the mall or do her laundry or any other things she wants until she straightens up. But again, you cannot do this effectively without your husband's involvement and support.

I went through this myself with my husband's oldest son. This kid would lie, threaten & steal and was a bully at school and home. He picked on fellow classmates and female teachers. My husband believed every word that boy told him and thought I was the source of all disscension in our home. He blamed me for making up stories just to get this boy in trouble. It all began when he was about 10-11 (some 2-3 years after moving in with us). We spent two years in counciling as a couple, while our 3 children (1 mine, 2 his) went for about 6 months each. We were participating in the Tough Love program which was required by the local school authorities to keep this brat in school. My husband finally heard for himself what I heard daily one Saturday AM when his oldest responded to my "good morning" with a "f....k you". His permanent epiphany came when I signed us up for an 8 week (once per week) class at the local high school called "Learn to communicate with your teens". It was conducted by the local YWCA. It was at that point we found we could communicate with each other and after many years, he finally listened and HEARD me. By this time his son was 15 1/2 and made the decision to move back to his mother's home. He didn't like the new discipline handed out by his Dad. It was during this move I discovered that she had been instigating and encouraging his bad behavior during his daily phone conversations with her.
My heart goes out to you because I know how hard this is. You must find a way to connect with your husband so you can talk things through and create a plan for your home and his daughter. In my case, it turned out my husband couldn't accept that his oldest, who carried his exact name as a Jr., could be such a bad child. He saw it as a direct reflection of himself. Once he got past this, we were able to work together, but it took almost 5 years. You husband must participate here...she's his child.
Our son is 37 now, just married his second wife in October (we love her), has a great job, owns a home and is a responsible, caring person. This all came after he left California and moved to North Carolina about 7 years ago. He told me recently that he knew his mother's influence was his biggest source of trouble and he needed to get as far away from her as possible. He loves her and maintains a relationship, just one from a distance so he's not under her influence routinely. He's also apologized to his Dad and me for all the trouble he brought into our home. He re-confirmed his mother's role in encouraging much of the bad behavior. Frankly, I'm puzzled why any parent would want to do such a thing, but it seems she wanted to be the center of his world (she still acts this way) and was feeling guilty that she sent him to live with us. It appears he's having similar issues with his oldest son who lives with his ex-wife and near his mother.
I wish you luck with this. Persevere. You two will have each other long after the children move out.

You and your husband should be a united front. You need to make it clear to her (and by association to her mother) that your marriage isn't going anywhere. Make choices to improve and strengthen your marriage. Come together under adversity, not fall apart. See below.

A lot of her behavior is being 13. But it does not mean it gets to be tolerated. Something you might consider is backing off on extras. You're in a tough spot anyway, so you may tell your DH that since it is clear that SD doesn't want to spend time with you and is blaming you that you are backing off the things you do, that he should find her a summer program to fill much of the time he is not around. Put the onus on him to deal with her if she doesn't want to listen to you. It is very common and easy for the SM (or any mom) to get stuck with the kids and it's hard enough when it's your own kid driving you crazy. It can also be hard when the BM is the "friend" and any real parenting gets resentment because there's a "friend" to turn to. It doesn't mean you're wrong, but that you have a lot to fight with. Been. There.

I would also continue to calmly and firmly correct her when she is snotty to the little one. The little one is at an age where these things make an impression and may start asking why Sister is so mean, etc. My SD also had/has a tough time when my DD expresses her OWN opinions. If she doesn't want to do x, y, or z like SD wants, SD gets huffy about it. I remind SD that DD is her own person and if she doesn't want to play, then don't force her. She'll play when it interests her. DD also refuses to say good-bye or good-night, thinking if she doesn't say it, it doesn't happen. The SD started acting just as poorly and refusing to have anything to do with DD at night or before leaving. It was ridiculous. Sometimes I feel they are in the same phase.

Try also to focus on just what needs to be done. The house rules, the things that really matter, things that affect you and the baby. If my SD wants to go somewhere but isn't ready in the timeframe offered, then she doesn't go. Her failure to plan and act accordingly is not my problem. I am not waking DD up from a nap to take SD when she finally gets ready. Which is not to say that I'm mean to her, but frankly I don't think any parent should jump at the whims of their teen. I try to just let it roll if she gets ticked off or goes to text to BM or something. If you don't irritate the kid once in a while, you're not doing your job as a parent.

If your DH thinks everything is your fault, bring it up in counseling. Have couples/marital counseling because the two of you are the foundation. Unless he wants to be dealing with two exes and two kids (which will only serve to show SD that she can break up any relationship he has), he needs to open his eyes. No matter what, he has at least another 16 years of parenting with you. He shouldn't let the next 5 with SD ruin your marriage.

The biggest issue that needs to be resolved is between you and your husband. 13 year olds are difficult (I teach 7th graders). That isn't going to change. What has to change is the adult interaction and reaction to her. She doesn't have full control or awareness of her emotions right now so you and your husband have to take charge (I wouldn't waste a lot of energy on the mom. Beyond your locus of control). Your comment about not being able to ask her dad for help on this is the factor that is making this worse than it needs to be. You and your husband need to talk about this and get on the same page. He needs to understand that his daughter is manipulating him (not because she is a bad kid, but because she is a kid. That's what they do) and if he wants to raise a good kid, he has to teach her about boundaries, respect, etc. He has to take the lead on this. If he is unwilling to do this, this needs to be the major topic of conversation at the therapy sessions. I have seen so many 12-13 year olds play their moms, dads, teachers, etc off each other. The ones who lose in this are the kids. Stay strong!

Sorry you are having to go through this. Blended families are very difficult and take a lot of time to truly blend. I wonder if perhaps her snotty behavior toward you isn't just normal 13 year old girl stuff. They are all a handful at that age! And if her mom is just like a friend, then her talking to mom about it is just like her talking to her girlfriend. They say that if your teenager hates you, you are probably doing a good job. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but I don't know that there's much you can do about a snotty 13 year old. I would, however, really watch her around the baby, but pick your battles. If she's doing something that may truly result in harm to the baby, by all means, speak up and stick to your guns. If, however, it is just something that you don't normally do, but it won't hurt the baby, maybe you could back off. It's a very fine line you're walking and I truly feel sorry for you. You may have to tell your husband what I told mine when it came to my having guardianship of my granddaughter - don't make me choose between you and her because I will choose her!

MOST 13 year olds are like that. My daughter decided to turn the anger she felt toward her bio dad for his frequent neglect of her into anger at the step dad who was raising her. this could be part of the problem, she looks at you and your son and sees what she missed from her mom as a baby. she sees her mom try to act like a friend instead of a mom while you do all that you can to be a great mom to your little one. If she wasnt broken hearted and jealous as hell she'd be stupid or not human
Great that you're going to family therapy !

Counseling. First you for a bit. Then include your husband. Then bring in your step-daughter. Explain that you would like some help establishing the new family dynamic since you are now a mother, but you recognize you are not HER mother. Who knows, your SD may be open to some individual counseling.

Keep in mind that emotionally young teens and toddlers are very similar--tons of insecurity, tantrums and limit testing (but they really need the firm limits). 13 year old girls can be really obnoxious (my mom describes girls age 11-13 as "having PMS for 3 years"). Also, she is not too old to be jealous of the little one.

You and your husband do need to agree on some household rules and consequences (write them down and post on the fridge in you need to). Be especially clear and specific on safety rules. If you are going to family counseling maybe get some input from the counselor on this. Try not to get too upset or confrontational with her. Calm but firm is the best approach most of the time (but it is hard to do sometimes! So just keep trying). Also many kids really push extra hard when you first set new rules but if you can hang in there a few weeks or so past this point it gets better.

I'm not a step parent but I worked as a family counselor. A couple of good parenting books I like are: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, 123 Magic and Peaceful Parenting. How To Talk and Peaceful parenting have a lot of ideas on reducing conflict, compromising and talking things out. 123 Magic is basic discipline aimed for ages 3-12. You are dealing with both ends of the age range but you might get some ideas on how to be fair and consistent with both. They recommend sending kid to their room a lot (instead of time out, which worked better for me with a toddler). Peaceful Parenting takes you step through a basic conflict resolution process. It is broken down into steps so you can use it with kids down to age 5 or so but it works for teens and adults too. You could try it with your husband and when you are comfortable include your SD too. If you are all using this process your little one will eventually pick it up too.

maybe abandonment issues? first her mom and then you for the new baby? hopefully counseling will help. but remember - she's 13! don't let her run your life. let her know who's boss- which for her is actually her dad. he really needs to step in here and make sure you are not being disrespected.
good luck!

This young woman needs to feel loved and important, especially if her mom is feeding the fire regarding your relationship. Someone also needs to give this young woman guidance, boundaries, rules, and punishments. It's always easier to back off than it is to start soft, then put your foot down, but it's never too late.

I would suggest you sit down and have a serious discussion with you husband, as the 2 of you NEED to be on the same page. If he's blaming you completely, that's really no way to live, let alone be half of a married couple.

It might also benefit the family to have you, dad, mom, and your stepdaughter sit down and have a serious adult discussion. I hold firm that boundaries, rules, and punishments need to be set down and enforced. Kids need these things to thrive! Flexibility is key, but if you have certain things you would expect (ie: RESPECT), it needs to be demanded and reciprocated.