Nanny Expectations- DH Not on the Same Page

I was a nanny for several years. There was a definite difference in how I interacted with the children when the parents were around because I felt shy/awkward being silly around them. It can be very intimidating knowing the parents are watching you.

I don't think an adult should have to be a preschooler and a toddlers playmate, that they should be playing on their own and learning to keep busy. If she was doing that she would be doing them a great disservice. They are learning independence.

I will just bet that what your husband's REAL beef with the nanny is that he doesn't think she is intelligent enough. He probably doesn't want to consider that this is what he's reacting to, so he makes it all a personality thing.

Because of the language issue, there's not a way to gage her intelligence. But I will say that there are people who don't have much education in the formal sense, who are wonderful at child-rearing and have a ton of common sense. There are educated people who appear to not know what the heck they are doing with kids and you wonder how they get through the day with their lack of common sense!

If my husband felt this way about the main caregiver of my children, I admit that I would find another caregiver. Nothing you say is going to change his mind. He considers that he is paying good money for someone - he wants that person to not only be a babysitter, but also a type of "governess", for lack of a better word. He wants someone to challenge the children's brains, push them to exercise, make them "think" when they are bored.

My SIL did the same thing, S.. She had a nanny for several years, but there were things that really bothered her about the nanny. I think the woman just got complacent in her job, though I'm not sure that I'm right about that - maybe she was just lazy. She would only take the kids out to the park if my SIL told her to. She NEVER wanted to take them to the pool - it was like pulling teeth to get her to get INTO the pool with them. All she wanted to do was sit with the other nannies and talk. My SIL was BIG into physical exercise, lots of fresh air, sports and all of that. This nanny was big into sitting...

So yes, she hired a different woman to take care of the kids and never regretted it. She may have paid more, I don't know. She did not go the route of hiring a non-native speaker. There was never an issue of a communication problem between her and the nannies or the nannies and the children.

Tell your husband that what he really wants is a nanny with a childhood education type of degree and training. Tell him that this will cost more money. Tell him to find people to interview. When you put the onus on HIM to find candidates to interview, he will either put up or shut up. Leave it up to him.

I know you feel that an attack on her personality is the problem, but that doesn't mean that he is wrong in feeling that he wants a different personality taking care of his kids. The real issue is that he has to go back to square one to find someone who does a fine job AND has the personality traits he wants. It's not an easy thing to do. However, rather than let him push you into the role of finding it, and then b*tchin' to high heaven about who YOU chose, make HIM find her instead.

Good luck

As a former longtime nanny, here's my perspective:

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, ways in which they are a definite asset and ways in which they aren't. When I was working as a nanny, I always had work, always had good references and referrals.

I was-- and still am-- pretty terrible at imaginative play. A LOT of parents and adults are. I was much better at setting up art activities, projects and fun adventures and getting the kids involved in cooking/meal prep and taking care of their little corners of the world. Roughhousing? Um. No. I didn't want to get sued and most houses don't have an appropriate space to do that without injury.

Children don't need to be constantly entertained; they do need responsive and loving caregivers who are good at providing structure, discipline, a listening ear, and guidance. A lot of moms who stay at home will attest to the fact that care-giving duties and the accompanying tasks a nanny does ends up using up a lot of the day. Kids need time every day to play on their own, too. I was less timid being observed by parents, but this was from years of practice as a preschool teacher and having to 'sell' my program to potential parents during enrollment times.

It may be that your nanny is from a culture where children are not routinely sat down and played with. In many cultures around the world, once a child is weaned and walking, they are more or less left in the charge of older children. Sitting and playing with/entertaining children is not a global way of raising a child. Even in our earlier days as a nation, most families had kids in the hopes that the children would be helpers to the adults. Parents had plenty of work to do on their own to keep their households running and food on the table; kids were expected to entertain themselves.

It IS okay for kids to be bored sometimes; it teaches them to find something to do on their own. I've written extensively about this on my blog. I can suggest a couple options to the kids (and many times, they don't want to do what's suggested), but as a parent or a nanny, I am not a 'fun machine'. All you get with kids who are led around by the nose all day is kids who don't develop the ability to find something to do on their own.

Perhaps it's time to put the situation in your husband's hands. Ask *him* to find the perfect nanny. Someone with experience working with children who will bring activities each day and be tireless in interacting with them. I'm sure whoever fits the bill will cost a lot more than the good help you have now, because they are an experienced professional and will expect to be paid as one.

Have you thought about engaging her in a different way? I know the first thing I would do with a nanny who is fluent in another language is ask her if she would teach my children her language and about her culture. That might be a win-win, because she might be less reserved when talking about her home country. Maybe suggest that she take them to the library to find some books about her country, or some children's books in her language to read to them. Teach them children's games or nursery rhymes from her culture.

And in addition to adding real value for the kids, your husband would see that they are getting an educational benefit from the nanny as well.

That said - I do expect my nanny to plan fun activities for my kids, especially on rainy days. But, I hire new grads who are education majors, so they come in with the expectation of providing a fun learning environment, not just being an all-day babysitter. The trade-off is that none of them ever did any housework or dinner prep, because they saw themselves as educators, not as general household helpers.

Kids really don't need to be played with and entertained by adults. They have each other and they have a playgroup, that sounds just fine.
Even as a SAHM I didn't spend much time playing, I made sure they had a happy, safe and stimulating environment, and I made sure they got plenty of fresh air and exercise. I made sure they got to socialize with other kids. I saw THAT as my main responsibility. Sometimes I engaged them in what I was doing, cooking, cleaning, gardening, and I would usually snuggle and read with them, or watch a show with them in the afternoon, but other than that they were busy, happy and playing and being kids!

Ugh. For one, men are typically the horse playing ones, not women... Two, I love how men complain about stuff they're not going to fix. We have had a nanny for years so I know how you feel. What I found the most effective is to say "ok, please start interviewing other people and let me know when you have an outstanding candidate for me to meet." You really think he's going to do it? Typically nothing comes of these things when I turn it back on my husband. If he really does get involved and find someone else, who knows, could be for the best. I also had a non native speaking nanny for years and years but I have to say I was always so happy how playful she was with our kids. A good judge of how she is is what they're doing when you walk in the door at unscheduled times. I, and my husband, would often walk in to find them playing an animated game of hide and go seek or something like that. People criticize working moms but I always said at least they have someone with them who actually can play silly games. I don't have it in me. So you could keep an open mind that he has a point bc being observed should almost make her be MORE animated with them. But also let him do the legwork if he wants to change. It's a big undertaking. If he's busy at work, I doubt it'll happen.

I'm a part time nanny for two families. The kids are 5, 3, and 1. Plus, I bring my 2 year old with me.

I also have a quiet/shy personality. I have worked for both families for about 8 - 9 months but I still act differently when the parents are around. When they aren't around, my focus is 100% on the kids. When they are around, my attention is divided between the kids and the parents. It's hard to work while being watched by the parents.

If you are happy with your nanny, just tell hubby to take a chill pill :)

Well, then tell him he's free to quit his job and stay home if he thinks he can do a better job!

I don't know many parents who do what your husband seems to think she should be doing. Imaginative play comes from the kids imagination, not from someone else. It's actually good that kids learn to play alone, without adult intervention.

I agree though, he is basing his idea's off of a few minutes/hours a day. The biggest indicator of how things are going is your children. If they are happy and thriving then the nanny is doing a good job.

He also needs to understand, when hiring someone else to watch your kids, there are going to be cultural differences. There is not way around that, and as long as these differences aren't harming the children I see no reason to be complaining.

The way that she acts when you and your husband are around is probably not the same as when she is left with the children for many hours.

I think it's important to keep the lines of communication open. Ask her what did you do today? Make suggestions, "Johnny seems to like soccer, maybe while the baby is napping you could try to help him learn some skills".

Focus on her strengths. If she's quiet and reserved, she might prefer doing activies like reading or puzzles. Save the rough housing for special time with Dad.

I agree that she's probably different when she's not being observed/judged. I would be a bit more reserved if you/hubby were "observing" me. And horse play is not something I engage in.

Tell hubby if he's not happy he can look around for and interview other nannies to see if he really wants to make a change.

I say if she loves the kids and they seem to genuinely like her, you feel they are safe with her, and you believe they are well-cared for, then she's doing her job.

My kids are about the same age as yours, and we are getting ready to hire a nanny (ours are currently in daycare).

I'm not sure what your husband means by "imaginative play" but I do expect our nanny to suggest/participate in arts and crafts activities (painting, coloring, cutting with scissors, glue, etc) as well as being involved with my almost 4 yr old's "pretend play" (interact with her when she's "preparing" food in her play kitchen or "selling" ice cream in her playhouse). I also expect her to engage them in physical activity (blowing/chasing bubbles, rolling/throwing/catching a ball, etc). For my 1, almost 2, yr old I expect her to work with her on letters, numbers, shapes, colors, etc.

Having a non-native speaker *might* present a problem, but it doesn't have to be one. My non-native speaker mom was a nanny, and she still engaged in physical activity, as well as learning activities with the kids (from birth - age 5). If he has an issue with the childcare, he could suggest ideas for more active play/interaction. He does get a say in childcare options too. I think explaining that how she acts "under observation" is probably different than "everyday behavior" will probably help. But there's nothing wrong with him making a few suggestions to her as to what he would like her to do more of with the kids.

Most nannies don't do "imaginative play" with the kids unless they'r under observation of the parents. Having seen lots of nannies when the parents aren't around I can promis that most nannies are really nothing more than passive babysitters at best - unless you're paying top dollar for a college grad with an early childhood major.

I had a wonderful nanny who came with excellent references who really loved my daughter. but I couldn't understand why my child wasn't tired until about midnight. Then I came home early from work one day and found my nanny holding my baby so she's nap during Baywatch & some other show between 3 - 5 every day. No wonder she didn't want to sleep at night! My nanny also used to bring her and her husband's laundry to my house that I didn't know about! SHe did love my DD and I know she wasn't being harmed - but she wasn't all about my kid.

Rent a nanny-cam for a week and get an idea of how the day goes at your house. you may be pleasantly surprised - but chances are your nanny is not alot different than most others. Pre-school is where your child's mind get stimulated with play and learning. If that's what you want then you may have to adjust your schedules so one of you is the morning drop off - later to work spouse and the other is the early to work, pick up the kids early after work. Didn't you ahve kids to spend time with them?

I would talk to him about why x and y are dealbreakers for him. My DH will horse around with DD. I don't generally. Does that mean I'm a bad mom? I would ask him why he needs her to do x and y vs he get down and horse with them when he is home, and appreciate the quiet personality she brings to your home. If she lets the child get away with too much, then deal with that, but if it's just how she plays and not that she's not taking care of them, that's something else. I had no problem with DH's old au pair til we realized things like she let SD eat in the livingroom and didn't supervise her walking to school. You can make activity suggestions, but I think that there can be benefits in kids learning to appreciate quiet time, too.

1. Nobody will ever be as good as you and DH.
2. It is very hard to be "observed" and judged".
3. We had a nanny for 4 years. She was AMAZING. She was a non native English speaker - her English was not awesome but she did so many great things - she took the kids out every single day, rain or shine. In the rain, they played at the mall play place or library. In nice weather they went to the playground. She did arts and crafts with the kids. She made home cooked meals for lunch every day. In her culture, they eat alot of soups so she got my little ones into soup, which has become a habit for them now, so healthy! She did do things differently than me - she let them have sugar when I would not have, she let them watch tv occasionally when I would not have and she put things away in a way I did not like. But I came home from work, she often had dinner made, the house was clean and the kids were in clean clothes with their hair done LOL. She loved my kids like her own and people who saw her out and around in public (friends of mine and neighborhood people) commented to me other times what a great nanny I had. She did not do "imaginative play" too much. She did not read to the kids. She did not do several things - but I was always able to do those things! So the nanny does not have to be the same, but can still be great. Oh she also taught them alot of Spanish words, how to count to 10, how to say various things, and exposed them to Spanish foods like papusas and more. Very cool in my book!
4. Tell hubs to read these comments. It's all good. As long as the kids are safe, and loved, and well cared for. Do the kinds of play you want at other times.

Good luck!

Does your husband realize how difficult it is to get a Nanny that will do the things that your nanny is doing? I suggest he's searching for his perfect and perfect by anyone's standard is not possible. I also suggest that he's asking her to have a different personality. That is not possible, nor is it fair.

Why does he think that his children need what he's asking her to do? Sounds like they and you have a good relationship with the nanny, that the children are continuing to be well behaved and have a good time under her care. What more can one realistically expect.

If the children were having difficulty, then he'd have a reason for concern. As it is, this arrangement is working. Why is he so insistent that she be different? I'd approach him from this angle.

Perhaps describe an example using him, his personality and skills. He's not perfect. Perhaps he has certain skills and does something in his way that others would consider not enough. Ask him how he'd feel if he were asked to change his personality? How would he feel that because he's not able to do such and such at work they considered firing him? I doubt that he's the perfect employee.

I love Diane C.'s answer! What a great idea to engage the nanny in teaching the children about another language and culture.