My youngest children are by my husband and my older children are by someone else. All of my children call my husband daddy. The father of the older ones is not around but calls from time to time. When he calls and the younger children hear the older children calling someone on the phone daddy, they want to talk too. But when their told no, they look confused and want to know why they can't talk to this person. The younger children have never seen the older siblings father because like I said he's not around. When this confusion goes on, it makes my husband upset, because we never told them that their older siblings has a different biological father. Not because we wanted to hide it from them but we think they're too young to understand (preschoolers). My husband is the dad and father to my older siblings, their biological father hasn't been all their lives. It was my older siblings idea to call my husband daddy anyway, he fills the void their biological father had left them with from little children. My question is how and when do you think is the best way and time to tell the younger children without confusing them? Do anyone know of any books for preschoolers that touch on this subject? I think this will help because they love to read.
First thanks to all who responded, I appreciate your input. I didn't realize it came over that I was trying to keep secrets or that I was making more of this than it has to be.... But as I am a stay at home mom, the younger ones are here with me. And I just told them and they said they want to talk to him too. I guess they just felt left out....... but again thanks everyone!
Otho k it's great that they still want to talk to him. I think they should, if he's comfortable with it! Glad to see a happy ending.
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I think it's great that they still want to talk to him. I think they should, if he's comfortable with it! Glad to see a happy ending.
I was in this situation growing up. My sister and I have a different father than our younger siblings. I too called and still call my step dad "Daddy". And I was the one who asked if that would be ok. My father wasn't in the picture because of distance. Both of my dads are military. We spent much of my youth in Germany, while my father was stationed in Korea, So phones calls and letters were the majority of our communication. I never remember it being that big of a deal. Even at a very early age, my brother and sister knew that I have a different father, but our Dad, was my Daddy. My mother just explained that she was married to someone else before and that someone else made me, but our Dad was raising me. He was Daddy. And I doubt they really understood fully at the preschool age, but they eventually understood and was a non-issue for us. Better to do sooner rather than later. You don't want trust issues are sibling rivalries to boil up because you waited to explain it to them.
I have a 19 yr old son from my previous marriage (we were married very young) and a 4 yr old from my current marriage. My son's father was not very involved and by the time my daughter was born (my son was 15) we only saw him occassionally. When my son would leave to go with his dad we always said "Michael's going to his dad's this weekend" and when we actually saw his dad we would say "say hello to Michael's dad...his name is Mike". When they've been over for like graduation party and Eagle Scout ceremony it really wasn't big deal and their family is super nice to her. They have two little girls too and the girls play together when given the chance. We haven't really seen him in the last year as my son drives himself when he wants to visit (and is away at college so no need for us to see my ex) so I don't know if my daughter would remember him or not...although she does have a great memory! My point is that we're just matter of a fact about it and it hasn't been a problem.
Why can't your younger ones just jump on the phone and say "hi" and be done with it. Would their dad not say hi? By refusing, you're making a much bigger deal of it.
I would just say "They have another dad too". If they ask questions, answer them honestly but try not to make it complicated.
Hi ND---I would simply tell your little ones that some kids have 2 daddys. Needn't be anything more complicated than that. You could alsways ask if your ex would be willing to say hi, but I think you could also just say that they don't know this daddy and that someday they might get a chance to meet him.
Just keep it very simple for now and then as time goes on you can expand on your explanation if the little ones keep asking. Good luck. D.
Hi ND, the more time goes by the more confusion there will be. Your kids will only have skeletons in their closet if YOU put them there.
That is to say, it will not be a hush hush scandelous sensitive subject to them unless you continue to present it that way.
It should be discussed openly honestly and often as a well known fact, a NORMAL well known fact, same as any other. EVERYBODY poops, EVERYBODY has a bio Dad, every adult has body hair, we ALL have different kinds of families....what's the big deal?
:)
Young kids don't really NEED an explanation, they often just accept what they are told. My younger kids never really had a problem understanding that their older brother had 2 dads, he just did...now that they are getting older (and their dad and I have split up) they have more questions, and have even expressed jealousy about not having 2 dads themselves.
Chances are your family knows SOMEone who is divorced, it's not all that abnormal these days, so it won't be a new concept to them. I'd think waiting to tell them would be making it a bigger deal than it really IS.
Your preschoolers are not too young to understand-tell them the truth, but keep it simple. When explaining a complex situation to a young child tell them enough to grasp the big picture, but leave out the details. Follow their lead. If they ask a question, answer it truthfully and simply. If they don't ask a question, let it "marinate" for awhile while they process the information. You can bring up the subject again later, giving them permission to learn more and talk about it at their pace.
Example: Before Mommy met Daddy (Mark) she was with someone else and had a child with him ."John" is his name. John is your big brother's father, but John isn't around.(You don't explain why-just let it sit) That's why your brother calls Mark Daddy. Mark loves your brother and loves being his Daddy just like he loves being your Daddy. Once in a while "John" calls your brother and they have a short talk.
You may want to add: When you get a bit older you can say hello if you
want to.(Get permission from your older child and "John" first before you offer this). This let's the younger children know they are not being punished or excluded from this experience for some reason. They might to want to talk just out of curiousty. I see no harm in it. When something is no longer a mystery, it loses the potential to hurt and bother.
Hope this helps!
Sincerely,
J. Clark, MA Parent Educator
Instructor of Love and Logic Curricula
www.janadaclark.com
Go to your local library and talk to the children's librarian. There are lots of books about blended families as well as books about all kinds of situations, kids in wheelchairs, kids who have 2 moms or dads, etc...there are kids books on just about every topic. The children's librarian should have reference books by topics and you can find them in the different areas, such as board books, chapter books, tween books, etc....
It really is simple..Just tell them he is the older kid's other dad, and your husband loves them all enough to be the dad to all of them. If they are toddlers they probably just want to talk on the phone and don't really care who is on the other end. If the X is agreeable to talk, just have them say hi Mike, or Bill or whoever he is.. and let him say hello back and then say goodbye. I wouldn't promote them calling him dad, but if they do it's no big deal. Give it a few months and they won't care anyway. Without even looking , I see a lot of books about the differences in what makes a family so I'm sure you will come across them in your everyday life without a lot of trouble. And in a short time they will be in school or daycare and will see first hand how friends have different parents from their siblings.
If I were the step father I wouldn't like my children calling my wife's ex daddy. My younger child knows that his older sister and brothers go to their dads house. Sometimes a little confused by the last names being different but it's ok. Eventually your children will find out as your ex will hopefully attend important celebrations in his children's lives but it is up to you to tell your children when you feel they are old enough to understand it all. I don't like having to explain the situation to my youngest but he does ask questions now and I don't want him to be totally confused and then one day it will hit him that they don't have the same dad. My kids call their stepfather and step mother by their names and my child has called his father by his name from hearing them do it but he understands where they are going when they're not with us. It's always hard on the little ones when the older kids leave and come back on weekends. Heck even the dog seems confused! Tell them when you think they can understand. Good Luck.
I think they are old enough for a simple explaination. I would try to find a picture of your ex so that they can at least have an image of who this person is, and then explain to them the situation.
