Can Anyone Help Blended Family Drama?

It sounds like you may have chosen poorly when you got married. He doesn't sound like husband/father/stepfather material. Consider filing for divorce to undo the mistake if counseling for him does not cause a dramatic and permanent change.

yes, i can help.
don't marry men like this.
stop telling him how to relate to his own kids. clearly he resents it, and it's none of your business.
tell him firmly and with deadly seriousness to stay out of your relationship with your kids. clearly you resent it, and he has zero interest or compassion in them other than to create trouble.
why do you stay with a man who insults you? especially if you're the one working 3 jobs to provide for you? what's his deal?
the last two sentences are illuminating. he is right to stay out of disciplining your kids, and you are wrong to 'help' him with his own children. he seems to be just as disinterested in his own kids as he is in yours.
if you don't want him to have a say in how you parent, why are you complaining that he doesn't help?
your ex sounds like a better bet all round.
khairete
S.

Why are you telling him how to parent his children? Although I find it really sad that he doesn't parent his kids, you married him with some awareness that this is who he is. Right? It sounds like it's time to go and talk to a marriage and family therapist. I imagine that this is a common issue among blended families. Get some marriage help so that it doesn't end up being a huge source of resentment in your marriage.

I had a whole lot more, but bottom line is why are you still married to this guy? The way I see it, if you have so little respect for him that you think he has ZERO say in how you parent or what happens in his home, or how things go with the kids, and you don't like how he talks to your kids, then please divorce him and don't remarry so you can do everything you want without anyone's input. Basically you like everything you do, you like your ex better, and you think you can tell HIM how to parent his kids but then he can't say anything in return to you, and you undermine him, but you want him to support your relationship with his daughter? That sounds miserable.

I hate to say it but your families are not blended.
The only thing you share with him is a bed - on every other front you are living separate lives.
How do you help him with his kids?
Why not just let him do what he wants with them however he wants to do it?
If he ASKS you your opinion on what he can do with/for his kids, then kindly offer suggestions and don't get offended if he doesn't take your advice.
If he doesn't do anything for his kids - well, that's his choice too - quit criticizing him about it.
And seeing as you married him and he's now suppose to be your partner in life presumably till death do you part - he needs to be allowed to develop a step parent roll in your kids lives.
If you're not willing to let some blending happen - then just end the marriage and be done with it.
It sounds like you're not ready to share your life/kids/family with someone/anyone else.

Additional:
Your kids are upset with him living with you/them.
You might have moved too fast to get married again.
Maybe he can move out for awhile and you and he and your respective families can take things slower.
As a separate issue - he needs to learn about autism and develop a skill set for dealing with it and his son.
A parenting class for him would be great - but that's on him - and he's got to want to.
It's better to be alone than to be wishing you were.
It's just a shame your kids are not having a positive experience in their own home.
They get one childhood and this step dad that they have to deal with and they have no choice about it.

Maybe your children should move in with their dad until you can figure out how to be married.

Just as you have been parenting without your husband for years, so has he.
How often he chooses to see and spend time with his children is his choice, ultimately. It's likely that you already knew this about him before you married.

You can't change him. Only he can change his relationship with his kids. You are *both* (not just him, mind you) creating conflict by not accepting the other person for who they are. For who you KNEW the other was before you married. The whole "I work three jobs and he doesn't deserve to tell me what to do" thing sounds very immature. When I married my husband, I knew that there would be times-- as there are in most long-term,healthy relationships-- when he might tell me that what I was doing was a problem for him. No couple goes along hunky-dory all the time. It's not always pleasant to hear, but healthy relationships address problems as they arise because one person or another has hit the end of their comfort zone in what they feel okay allowing. It happens; hopefully couples are enough on the same page to listen, try to understand the other person's perspective, and make changes so that at least some of the situation is remedied.

But you don't even sound like a person who has a mutual respect for your husband. You work three jobs so he should just keep his mouth shut when you are telling him he needs to change? Um, no. That is not a realistic expectation. You sound as though you are Superwoman,wearing a cape and doing miraculous things because you are the 'loving' parent and he's merely a mortal being, sniveling in the corner, can't do anything right.

Take a hard look in the mirror. This is the man you chose. YOU. Your choice. You seem to have so much contempt and disgust toward him. " My husband doesn't even see his kids very often and never even raised them, his ex did everything when he was with her." Why on earth did you think your situation would be any different from his ex's? Think long and hard about why you chose to ignore what were very clear and obvious character traits from the beginning. What did you want/like about the relationship? What did/do you love about him? Try to see past your anger and acknowledge that he is a separate, whole person you cannot control, but you can try to *work with*.

And for all of the children's sake-- get counseling. Your kids need to see that life is not about assigning all the blame to one person or that only one parent does the heavy lifting in a marriage. Maybe it's as bad as you say, but you are also scapegoating him, in part for your own questionable choices. Learn to accept your own part in this. If he is such a terrible person, maybe you should ask yourself why you felt this person would be a good parent-figure in your children's lives? You can't figure out his heart, why he feels or does what he does, but you can decide that you want to improve yourself and your own circumstances. Being honest with yourself is the first step.

The part I don't really understand is how you got married to this guy when he doesn't have a good relationship with his own kids, but you have kids that you want him to have a relationship with. I guess that comes off as kind of harsh, but I feel like his previous relationship should have been a good indicator of how he would act with you.
I wouldn't bother trying to tell him how to parent his own kids as he is obviously defensive and you have your own kids to worry about. I don't really see what he is bringing to the relationship if you are doing everything anyway and he doesn't treat you and the kids well.

I had your marriage years ago. Note the past tense.
His constant undermining of my parenting was one of the reasons I left him.

I suggest he'll stop telling you how to parent your children when you stop telling him how to parent his children. I agree that it's usually best for both parents to be involved with their children. He never has been. Why do you think he can be different than who he is?

You can't change him. He is who he is and has been that way for years. Consider that It's possible that it's best for his kids that he not be involved at all. Your description of how he treats his children shows that as a strong possibility.

I wonder if you're wanting him to be more involved with your kids or to be more supportIve of you as you parent your kids. The two of you obviously have vastly different parenting styles. He is who he is. He has shown he can't/won't change.

You work 3 jobs? Does he not work? He doesn't financially or emotionally support you. What are you getting by staying in this marriage? Sounds like, just as with his first wife, you are doing all the work. I suggest you will be much less stressed and be able to manage better without him. You cannot change him. He doesn't want to change and adds to your stress by putting you down. TI'm to figure out why you stay with him, why you continue to attempt the impossible?

After reading your SWH, I suggest you need to have better boundaries. You've seen he doesn't respect you, mistreat his kids and yours. You're accepting his mistreatment..Why? Because you think he'll change? He will not! How do you want to live? How do you want your children treated? He poisons the peace in YOUR house. Why are you allowing him to continue to treat you and your children this way? Your children are your first priority. Yes, it would definitely be best if he learned about autism and set boundaries for his daughter. I feel very sad for them.

It would also be better if you set boundaries with his daughter. It would be easier if he supported you. He can't. That doesn't exclude you from setting your boundaries with her, from enforcing consequences when she's rude and disrespectful to you.

You are first responsible is providing a safe environment for your children. If you stay and continue to try to change him for the sake of his children you are failing to not only protect your children but also his. The anger and dissension between you and him is harmful to all of you.

You are only responsible for you and your children. You are not responsible for your husband and how he parents/treats his children. You are responsible for protecting your children. Please consider that you're failing everyone, including yourself. Please read about and discuss co-dependency with your counselor.

I recognize what is happening for you. I suggest your happiness depends on how your husband acts. Understanding co-dependenvy and setting boundaries allowed me to be happy. Took me years to understand setting boundaries and how to enforce them. I expect you to say that's not my problem. I did. Changing myself was painful but no more painful than trying to change others.

You and your husband parent very differently. You have your reasons for parenting in a very hands-on way, your husband has his reasons for parenting in a very hands-off way.

But where this is breaking down is that you are telling him how to parent his kids. Then he retaliates in the same way, and you are indignant that he is telling you how to parent yours. I'm sure he's doing it in a bit of a nasty way, but aren't you really instigating it by correcting his parenting? I would think he would have more of a role with your kids since he is with them every day. What I don't understand is why you find it necessary to tell him how to handle kids he doesn't see.

I'm sorry he's not involved with his children, but that was a problem before he got divorced from his ex, and it was a problem before you married him. There's an expression that goes, "When people show you who they are, believe them." You knew your husband was a hands-off parent (and perhaps a failed one, I don't know) before you married him. So you correct and criticize him (which perhaps his ex-wife did), and you can't figure out why he's not responding well? And then you do it again? And again?

You don't think he "can or deserves to have a say" in how you parent. But why do you think you have a say in how he does it?

Marriage counseling. Now. This is not a "blended" family at all. And you are raising your children in a home with marital strife, with a mother working 3 jobs - is the implication that you have married someone who doesn't work nearly as much, and you resent it? That's not a recipe for their growing up with a good example to follow when they choose their own relationships.

The complaints you are having are exactly why there is up to an 80% divorce rate in blended marriages. It is really hard to make it work. It is going to take some professional objective help to get you two on track. If he refuses to go, then go by yourself. If you both refuse to go, then start making preparations to split. For those out there reading this who are thinking about divorce, please think twice. This is a very common problem in blended families. This is why I hold great step parents in such high regard, because it is so very difficult, but very rewarding when it works out!

So let me see if I understand this, you think your husband should be more tolerant of his son's autism when you refuse to be tolerant of your husband's autism? Are you so into your perfection that you didn't notice your husband is autistic as well?

My ex has never remarried, usually women figure out before they marry him that having a husband with those issues is more than they can handle.

I really think you are the one in need of therapy. Why did you feel the need to marry such a project. Are you one of those codependent people that needs a project, needs to fix someone and now you realized that what you thought was a beginner level project was actually the advance kit?

This is all you and by the way, working three jobs to provide for your family only shows you don't work efficiently, it doesn't show you are better than your husband, that you care more, that you give more.

I don't think there is blended family drama. I think your husband is kind of a jerk. You need to do what is in the best interest of YOUR kids. If he is not treating them well, then you need to take action. How would you feel if your ex-husband got remarried and his new wife was treating your kids this way? Kids don't ask for divorce and they certainly don't ask for step-parents. Yours, mine, and ours is very complicated. Time for some soul-searching...what do you really love about this man???

You can't change him. You can't do anything to get him be more involved with his own children or to be a parent figure to your children. Neither one of you like the way the other person parents. That sounds very, very stressful. Perhaps he feels guilty about not doing for his kids, so the only way he can reconcile that in his mind, is to criticize you. Would he be open to seeing a couples/family therapist with you? If not, I would go see someone for yourself.

there is no help for that, you split and try to get bad influences out of your kids and your life or just put up with it. you know, take care of you and yours first. im sorry that you are in the middle of this, truly. its a terrible choice you have to make, and no dought you will agonize over it for months or even years...probably already have been. i hope that when its all said and done, whichever way you go , you will be happy.

Sounds like you love to nurture people. I'm not that way at all, I'm more like...let them get their consequences and learn the hard way...

I think you need to put yourself in his shoes. Although I'm not sure you're able. You are a completely different sort of person that he is, olay?

Think about a time when you were furious, totally consumed with anger and about to explode and maybe already into it. Then someone comes up and says "Oh dear, you need to calm down"...did that make you calm down and realize you were out of control or did you just find a new victim to spew your anger on to?

I tend to blow and blow at anyone who gets in my way when I get going.

I think if you want him to treat his son differently then you need to intervene sooner. Get the boy doing something else before his actions/behaviors upset your husband.

You are asking the impossible of him, you need to figure that out. He isn't a parent to his own children and doesn't speak to them as a parent should. There isn't any way he knows how to parent and he won't be a good parent to your children. He doesn't have the skills or knowledge. Maybe he had horrid parents and never learned it. I never did. I had to take classes.

I would ask you to address this with your therapist. Tell the therapist that you'd like to hear how you can help you and your husband get closer together on your parenting styles and if the therapist can offer any classes such as PCIT or Love and Logic.

PCIT, Parent Child Interaction Training would be very beneficial to hubby when he's dealing with his son especially. Love and Logic would help you to learn that by doing everything for your family you are handicapping them to be dependent on you forever. They need to stand on their own 2 feet and show you love by doing chores and helping you have less work instead of having you do everything for them.

I went to visit a cousin one time and she had gone to the store one day. I came out of the guest room and asked her son where the glasses were so I could get a drink of water.

He literally opened every door in the kitchen looking for glasses. He was in high school. He'd never had to find a drink for himself. My cousin always anticipated his needs and he had zero idea where anything was.

I asked her, when she got home, why he didn't know where anything was. She told me that she loved being a mom and taking care of her family. I asked her what he was going to do when he went off to college in a couple of years, he'd starve! And not know how to wash a dish or wash his own clothes!

I truly felt sorry for him. He was handicapped and didn't even know it. He went off to college, lived at home and went to local college. Then he went on a mission. He lost 50 lbs and pretty much had to be taken aside by his leaders and taught how to care for himself.

Now he's married to a woman that takes very good care of him. She has to because he certainly doesn't really know how even now.

Let your kids help you, give them responsibilities and when they don't do them you should not do them for them. Rescuing them from the consequences won't help them. It hinders them.