My husband and I have been seperated for 2 years now. We have 3 children together. He doesn't see them too often, he lives far away and is in the military. He has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for 2 years now. I've not had a problem with her, until recently. I don't know this woman, and she doesn't know me. Anything bad she hears, which is mostly bad, comes from my husband. The recent issue I have with her, is due to the fact that I've recently discovered, she's been posting things about me on her Facebook page. For those two years, she's added comments, here and there about me. That I'm "money hungry", etc. I never mentioned it to my husband, and I was never going to. She can say all the bad things about me she wants to, but the straw that broke the camels back, was a comment about me as a mother. She made statements about how upset she was, that my kids have been staying up late. And how "livid" she is, that my two year old burned the tip of his finger on the stove while I was cooking. He was perfectly fine, very minor. To me, it's a lesson learned for my little one, who's very rebelious and already telling me no, when I ask him not to do things. Now I have to point out that all this I was talking to my husband about, I text him, and keep him updated on the kids, how they're doing, what they're up to, etc. Even my issues with them, staying up late, and my 2 year olds recent behaviour issues. So that we as their parents can swap ideas. Well apparently, all this is being used as some kind of leverage against me. To make me out to be a horrible mother. I'm not exactly sure what I should do anymore. I can no longer speak with him about the children, because he's sharing it with his girlfriend, and if she doesn't like it, she posts it on Facebook. My kids are suppose to go visit him for two weeks, and they'll be around her because they live together. What if she tells me children negative things about me? Should I fight with him about her being around during his visits? Can I fight to have her NOT be there? Do I have to just suck it up?
I'd like to also add that for the past 6 years, I've raised my children on my own. My husband was around for only a year at a time. And they were only toddlers and infants during those times. I'm doing my best as a single mother now. I don't think its fair for him to criticize me over everything. I also get the feeling, he does this out of resentment over me not wanting to be with him.
I really appreciate all the posts. Thank you very much. I don't want to deny his right to see them, I never wanted to do that. So I'm allowing them to go despite my fears. I did have a conversation with him about the Facebook posts. He didn't really care, his response was "She cares about the kids." If she really cared she wouldn't be doing things like that. I believe it is jealousy and I'm no longer going to care/listen to those kind of comments. I noticed a lot of posts pertaining to her age, or lack of children. The funny thing is, she's 53 years old. 22 years older than my ex....AND has a son who's older than him, as well as a daughter a year older than me (I'm 25), I'm not really sure what her problem is, she's got him, they're supposedly happy, why continue putting me on blast? Either way, I'm going to continue focusing on my children, and myself. Whatever problem they have, is theirs alone.
Wow so the GF is 22 years older than him? In that case, does gf stand for "Granny Friend"? You have to remember that if she's that old parenting was much different in her generation, back when she probably cleaned house in her pearls and high heels.
Don't sweat it, she'll probably keel over before the kids get there anyway, LOL.
You can't keep your children from him. It doesn't protect you anyway, it turns them against you.
My ex used to love to say stupid things about me when they were there. When they came back I would get dad said this or that. I would just reply, do you think that is true. Noooooo
That is all you have to do, no bashing dad, no stooping to his level, just a simple question, do you think that is true. :)
You can't control him, you cannot compel him to be mature, all you can control is your side of the equation.
Since you say he is not really involved anyway, lives far away, and you have mostly been doing this on your own, I'd not tell him anything you don't want the GF to hear or want posted on FB.
He is on a need to know basis, and he doesn't need to know about all the little things that someone with ill intentions can blow out of proportion.
I hope you have other people in your life that can offer you support as you raise your children, but your soon-to-be-ex is not that person. I wouldn't tell him anything he doesn't NEED to know to keep the children alive when they are staying with him.
When the kids are with him, let him and his judgemental GF figure it out on their own.
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She's his girlfriend so of course he tells her everything. You cannot control anyone's behavior but your own. Even our children often rebel and refuse to listen to us. Making veiled threats or trying to control his time with the kids will only make YOU look bad. Be the bigger person and just shrug it off. Oh and avoid facebook. It's nothing but drama.
I doubt your kids will get any damage from the visit.
They know their mom, and it's hard to destroy that.
Personally, I believe their wont be a whole bunch of talk about you or your parenting skills while the kids are there.... most people don't do that.
She might post some weird stuff on fb after the fact, but I doubt she will mess with your kids heads.
She's probably jealous that you text your husband and so he lets her read them to make sure nothing is going on between you two. She is also very immature apparently.
This is just me, but I would tell him matter-of-factly that because his girlfriend is using things he tells her against you on FB (which makes her look HORRIBLE to all who see those posts btw) you will keep communication limited. If you do not want to keep communication limited (and even if you do), I would also message her directly (I REALLY WOULD TOO) and tell her not to post about you on her page.
Dear Ellie May,
Since you may be spending time with our kids, I hope our relationship can be amicable. Please do not post negative comments about me on Facebook such as (insert verbatim quote here so she can't deny). I never speak negatively about you to them, and I hope you can return that favor.
Thanks.
Your ex will not dare speak up for you on this, and that would only make her hate you more. If you are significantly younger than her, you need to assert that you can't be pushed around by confronting her directly on important issues. If your ex stays in a relationship with her for long, you need that behavior of hers nipped when it comes to you. Take the high ground, and be direct.
I say just ignore it and stop reading her FB posts...it's only going to annoy you more!
Sadly, your story is not that un-common, frankly it is about the same as *most* separated or divorced peoples stories. I say be the bigger person and let it all go. He has the right to tell his GF what ever he wants and she is his GF so of course he is gonna talk to her about all the stuff you talk to him about. As the kids father he also has the right to have whom ever he wishes around HIS kids when he has them...asking him or trying to make it so the GF isn't around the kids is only going to cause you grief and make you look jealous and petty. Would you like him to dictate to you who you can and can not have around your kids?
If I were you I would have a nice civil conversation with The Man and tell him that you are trying to include him in the parenting of his kids and you are only trying to keep him in the loop as far as whats happening with his kids but if he continues to share all these stories with the GF and then she posts them on FB and tries to make you look bad that that is not cool and that you don't like it and maybe you should and will cease trying to make sure he is in the loop and that you will stop sharing with him...if that is the way they are going to act? Ya know? There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself but I would do it in a non-jealous sounding way, just matter of fact like...and let him make the choice of how much or how little he still wants to communicate with you about the kids. It will only be his loss if he chooses not to rein in the GF and get her to stop bad mouthing you all over the internet!
~Not saying this to be cranky or snotty but reading your post about your 'husband' and his GF of 2 YEARS is a little strange to me? Just divorce him already and move on! Since it is you that chose not to be with him any longer might I suggest getting a divorce and then maybe you can stop referring to him as your 'husband' and it might give you the necessary closure to move on.
Just my .02 cents...given with only positive intentions, take it or leave it!
It's time to keep your household information to your self. If he asks how the kids are doing tell him they are fine. If they are not feeling well or side just let him know something generic like "Oh they're fine. Tommy had a little bug the other day, you know, a runny nose, but he's fine now". They gradually wean him off even that much.
That way he doesn't notice right off the bat that you are no longer sharing with him. Only share lots of good stuff, even if it's all exaggerated. Make it sound like nothing is going on and that the kids are great, absolutely great!
He won't miss that you are no longer telling him any problems. He may ask how something is going with a little one but I would brush over it and say it's better.
You cannot dictate what he does in his home while the kids are with him. If you try to do that he will retaliate and make sure to take away some choices you would like to make for your self. This can only backfire onto you.
He needs to be trusted to do good to his children. She won't hurt them or not take care of them while they are there hopefully.
Does he criticize you or your parenting? According to what you're writing, she's saying bad things that he's told her, but you've told them to him in a factual way. You make your relationship sound amicable. So is he badmouthing you? Or is she taking these facts (that belong between parents) and adding negative value to them? To me, she sounds jealous that you're still talking with him amicably, that he is required to have an ongoing relationship of any sort with you because of the kids, and it sounds as if she is hoping to marginalize you and push you out of the picture. None of this is her business and for her to call you a bad anything is laughable, since she's dating a married man. If it's possible to have a reasonable conversation with him over this, I would talk with him and explain how damaging this is to your relationship with him as his father, how you will be less likely to share information with him if this continues, and how you want to be fair but this is invasive -- she has no official roll or say over these children and she is disrespectful. She sounds very young and childless.
I would no longer tell him things about the kids unless he absolutely needs to know. Talk to a friend or your mom or whoever will offer you support. Likely he will text you asking about how they are doing and you can answer without really saying anything, like "doing good, they are playing." Likely he will ask you whats up, and you can calmly respond with "I can no longer share with you because I don't appreciate your girlfriend blasting me on the Internet, I feel like its undeserved and I would not do that to you or her." I know this seems almost passive aggressive but she seems very immature and jealous so if you try to fight with them it might be more trouble than it's worth considering they live far away. How often does he see the kids?
Just read your SWH, she must be really good lookin'! Maybe she is insecure cause she is so much older than him?
