My Sons Girlfriend Mother...

Updated on July 08, 2011
L.C. asks from Tewksbury, MA
5 answers

My son is 17yr old and has been dating a girl from his school same age and grade. They have known each other since kindergarten. It has been a LONG and interesting 11 months !!!. They are both going strong, they are great students, hard working, have there priorities on check and looking into colleges next year..ect; never have given any trbl and care very much for each other.

Now, the Mother of the girlfriend ..I have truly came to the conclusion that she must have some psychiatric issues..underlying.... Whenever she has an argument with her daughter she uses MY SON, and is constantly forbidding them from seeing each other, she grounds her for the most ridiculous things and always comes back to her not seeing my son. When we meet for occasions/events I cant hear enough of how much she loves my son and praises him left and right. I tell my son that there is nothing he can do, that's her mother and we can not get involved. She is very controlling and dominating. I've spoken to her numerous times and it's dreadful.. Example: The kids had there JR Prom and I was so excited but she just was horrible she didn't want to buy a dress for her daughter to expensive, she wanted certain colors/jewelry and was mad they didn't pick the corsage and boutonnière she wanted.. I let her know that this was the kids day not ours.. I told her that if my son wanted to go in boxers and sneakers to his prom ..that was his decision ..Why? It's his day !! ..(not true) Just trying to get my point across. She is a very bitter and a very unhappy woman. They are so young and I don't want them making the wrong decisions, on a vengeance to despite her or rebel against her ..because at the end of the day, they will rebel, when you do not give them that chance ..if you tell them they can't.....they will find a way. I do not want that to happen.

I just see this going in so many ways.... NOT GOOD ! Please advise me...I'm at wits end and I don't want to come out of my face and blow up...and then be blamed for them not being able to be together..

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

I just wanted to note that, I'm not one to intervene. It's just that this is my baby, and I don't like to see him hurt. I absolutely LOVE his girlfriend ..and they are still very young. so... I will continue to ..be the supportive parent that I am.

Dawn; It's funny u say that. Just last night I told my son ,, and you think I'm bad..!! lol We both started laughing.

Lynn: I totally agree w/you about the controlling daughter to avoid her doing the same. I will continue to be the voice of reason.

ReverndRudy I love everything you said, I will be going to the library and getting two of those books !

Rosebud; I will continue to be the "Normal" supportive parent .

I want to Thank You all for your responses..it has given me other views to reflect on. Greatly appreciated.

More Answers

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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

The best thing you can do in this situation is be a positive roll model for this girl. Explain to her that she only has one more year, or less to be under her Mom's control. Pick up some books about self esteem and making good decisions. Hopefully she will be accepted at a college far enough away from her Mom to start to think for herself. Also once she gets to college there should be a counselor on campus she can see for free. Help them get through their last year of high school.
Explain to them the difference between making good independent decisions and making decisions to rebel.

2 moms found this helpful
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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

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1 mom found this helpful

L.M.

answers from Dover on

If the age was different, I would say your son was dating my son's ex. Her mom is/was a "nut job". If they wanted to go anywhere or do anything, they couldn't get an answer until THE last minute and most of the time it was "no" or "yes but now you don't have time for that because you have to be home by..."...come to think of it...my "mom figure" did that to me too. I believe it to be a control thing. Very frustrating and very unfair...and equally hard to do anything about.

The one thing you have to realize though is that you don't see the same side of your son's girlfriend as her mom does...she don't live with you. That is not to say that the girl is not wonderful or minimize the issues her mom has but just to say that our kids are not the same to others as they can be to their own parents.

I really had limited interaction w/ my son's ex's mom. She was super nice to and in front of me and seemed to like my son. I think she was wild when she was younger and was trying to control her daughter to avoid her doing the same.

I would say to just be the good mom that you are, be a good role model for the kids, and be the voice or reason for them. When there is something important and she is causing a problem, calmly call her and say "I understand that you have told Susie she can't go to xxx with Johnny. I realize that you may be trying to punish her for something; however, I am calling to ask you mom to mom to reconsider. This particular punishment is punishing Johnny too and this is especially important to him. Would you please reconsider what her punishment will be ?"

1 mom found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

It's so hard to evaluate what really goes on in the girl's house. She may be terrific with you, but problematic for her mother. The mother may be worried about sexual activity, but she may simply be trying to regulate her daughter's behavior (or backtalk or grades or whatever) by controlling the most important thing to her daughter - your son.

I would strongly advise you NOT to engage in discussions with the girl about her mother, and to be very careful what you say to your son. If it gets back to the other mother, via the daughter, that YOU think she is unreasonable or unbalanced, the whole thing WILL blow up in your face and have terrible repercussions for you son. You have to try to support a parent's right to make decisions even if others may disagree with them.

I understand that you worry about rebelling and getting into unhealthy choices/decisions, and I agree that excessive control can do that. However, so can too loose an attitude. And maybe that's what this mother is responding to - a perception (however incorrect) that you are too permissive, or that other parents in town are too permissive.

Concerns about prom costs are reasonable as things get out of control (and perhaps they have very severe financial constraints you don't know about), although of course it's a little ridiculous to get so involved in colors and corsages! But I think you have to try to respect the mother by putting a positive spin on it - "she just wants to be involved with your events before you leave home" or something like that.

The kids have to learn how to manage this situation themselves. It's good that your son talks to you, and you should be proud of that and continue to encourage it. But he's got to learn to deal with difficult people in life (teachers, professors, employers, and yes, the parents of girls he dates) and now is the time to help teach him these skills.

I think, if you are careful and cultivate a relationship with her, that you may be able to talk to her about something very important, as a previous post suggested. It might be more acceptable to her if you didn't talk in extremes (boxers and sneakers) to make your point. Yes, it's his day, but it's also not really appropriate to go to a prom dressed that way, is it? So, in making your point to a person who tends to go to extremes the other way, it might help to just bring her to the middle! You may well be right that she is unhappy and bitter, and a control freak - but parents of daughters sometimes are more protective and worried. The next time she brings up how much she loves your son, thank her and make it clear that he's been raised with standards and manners, and you have high expectations of him. The more often she sees him as a good kid, the more leverage the kids will have with her.

1 mom found this helpful
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A.M.

answers from San Francisco on

They are almost 18, and will be out on their own soon. They sound like well-adjusted kids. I think you are worrying too much. If you are the normal one, I don't understand why you think it will blow up in your face, and that you will be blamed.

The daughter should be used to her mother's actions by now, after 17 years of living with her. Your example of the corsage and boutonniere are not examples of an abusive mother who is going to cause children to rebel.

Just keep being the normal, supportive parent, and things should be fine.

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