My Son Won't Stop Hitting!

A friend uses a little dropper of vinegar in the kids' mouths when they do something egregious. She says it works really well because they hate the vinegar.

First off, thank you Megan for speaking some common sense. It isn't a question of being "politically correct"...spanking and hurting our children to 'teach a lesson' or as a last resort *incredibly violates* our children's trust in us as resonable people who are looking after their best interest. Study after study has also confirmed that children who are punished begin to sneak their misbehavior, and that children who are physically punished are far more likely to become bullies, because they have learned that the way to influence people to do what one wants is to hurt them.

And while our children trust us to care for them lovingly, they also trust us to give them good boundaries. Being gentle with others and using our words to resolve conflict must be modeled; and we must give our children some positive guidance around this. In the case of your son, I like what someone else suggested: teach a non-physical way of greeting to first figure out if the hitting is "friendly". If it isn't, or is conflict related, then that's a whole other story.

There are two things off the top of my head: first, if the hitting seems to be during conflict, some scripting may be necessary. This means that we have to walk both children through the moment and give them the appropriate language to work through the conflict. (This could be something along the line of teaching our kids how to ask for a turn when someone is finished using a toy or how to tell another person that one doesn't like what is happening. The "I don't like when you push me" sort of thing.) Focusing on the hitting alone makes hitting a great way of getting attention, so after doing the "checking in" part with the injured party and makes amends, either by getting an ice pack or by listening to what the injured child has to say about it, it's then important to take it one step further and resolve the conflict that was at the heart of the matter.

Second, when the hitting seems unrelated to any exchange between the kids and/or somewhat random, have the child check in with the one they hurt, and then explain to the child who is hitting that they will have to play in a designated space until they are ready to be careful and safe with others. Giving the child something physical to hit (like a hammering bench or some playdough to pound) can help the child transfer that energy to something safe. When a child wants to hit or kick or pinch...anything like that, providing acceptable ways to do those things redirects their energy in a positive way and helps them move through that moment. When the child wants to come back to the group, or where the other child is playing, remind them that if they want to hit, they can go back to the acceptable hitting activity. And then, be a broken record; if the hitting starts again, then do the check in again and then move the child back to where they can hit.

Getting your babysitter on board isn't always easy, so ask to speak with her about this when none of the children are present and listen to what they have to say. Each caregiver has their own style, and you might find that through the problem solving process, some new ideas emerge. Be sure to give your new plan at least two weeks to a month of consistent reinforcement before deciding it 'doesn't work'.

One last thing--your son is experiencing a big change in regard to caregivers, and it's very common for children to feel a little overwhelmed by feelings during times of transition. Know, too, that it may be a few months before your new caregiver and son are able to read each other easily. When I nannied, I always felt that the first few months were extremely hard as we went through the growing pains of getting to know each other. By the end of the first year, however, it would always amaze me how much easier the job had become. You sound like a very loving and caring mom-- my best to you! This will work itself out.

I think changing babysitters will help. if the hitting girl is not around then he may stop. You never know she may be the one that taught your son to hit. plus with a new babysitter that he isn't comfortable with he may behave better. i would talk to this new babysitter, explain your concerns and find out how she will handle it if it does happen. as long as she knows she can disipline him when it happens i'm sure she will keep watching your son, i mean come on kids hit, a babysitter should be able to handle that! my mom babysat kids when i was growing up and we never kicked anyone out we just dealt with the issue. at least you're not one of those "my son is perfect, i can't believe he hit" mom's, those are much harder to deal with.
my 2 year old is a hitter and she goes to timeout and promises not to hit and then hits again but i think she will grow out of it. some kids are just hitters, it's how they deal with things. i'm sure your son will grow out of it too. he's absolutely wonderful most of the time so you're a lucky mommy, don't stress too much, this will pass.

good luck! :)
-B

He is obviously mimicking behavior. Any consequence needs to be immediate and unfortunately you are not there to give it. It is a good thing you are changing babysitters. Be sure to tell her this history and tell her you do not approve of the hitting.

At 3.5 he is not able to remember why he is being punished at the end of the day. The best you can do is role play what to do when and how does the other feel. I would also find some books at the library that talk about proper behavior and empathy although they might go over his comprehension and level.

Do not ever hit him back, because that makes hitting okay.

Hi M.,

Your son needs an immediate consequence at the time the action occurs...which sounds like it's all happening at the babysitter's house? If so, what is the babysitter doing about it? Your actions after the fact are to be applauded, but they aren't immediate enough to be tied to the hitting taking place while he is away from you. You need a child care provider who is consistent with discipline within the child care setting. It doesn't sound like you have that? Maybe the new provider will work out better...I would ask them about the philosophy and techniques they use for discipline in their house. Let the provider know the history of what was going on. You will accomplish much more working together with the provider and will give your son consistent expectations and immediate consequences if those expectations are not met.

Good luck to you!
M.

My son had a really bad hitting prob when he was that age. Something I learned is that you can't just take things away from him because he doesn't understand that taking something away is punishment for hitting someone. What I did with my son is be simple and stern with him. I would look him in the eye, say it sternly but calmly, "No hitting. It hurts." Then show him what 'nice hands' is, by taking his hand and gently touching it. Also, immediately when he does hit, make it simple and to the point. Let him know that hitting is not okay (no long explanation necessary) and that it hurts and put him in a time out spot for however old he is. My son learned fast, if he got up or played in the time out spot...his time would start over. Believe me...he figured out real fast that this wasn't what he wanted. Then when he was finished, I would sit him on my lap and tell him that I put him in time out because he was hitting and we don't hit people. Don't know if this helped, but it sure did with me. My son also has Sensory Integration Disorder, which makes the hitting more noticeable and harder to control. *hug*

I have to say it upsets me to read the responses that suggest hitting him back or using vinegar as a form of discipline. It is never appropriate to inflict pain on a child as a form of discipline or retaliation. If you want your child to learn to not hit, then you CANNOT hit your child in return. All that teaches them is that it's ok for someone older and bigger to hit someone smaller and younger. I've never understood why adults felt it was appropriate to hit a child as a punishment when that child has just hit another child...where is the lesson in that?

With that said, I think you have received some great advice so far. The consequences do need to be immediate. When you make the move to the new daycare, be sure to talk to the provider about the situation; the new provider may have some ideas about how to handle it.

Also, I wonder if the hitting may be in response to stress in his life. I see that you're a single parent, and that you are switching to a new daycare soon. I am in no way saying that you are a bad parent because you are a single parent, because I know some wonderful single parents, but I wonder if your son is picking up on some sort of stress from you...maybe around the change to the new daycare? You didn't mention why you're making the change, but even if it's for a good reason, it's still a transition, and it's a change for your son, and it may be contributing to the hitting. It's just a thought.

I hope this helps. Just remember to step back, take a deep breath, and remember that This Too Shall Pass! and he will be on to another phase. Good for you for asking for help. You are a good mom! Hang in there! :)

Hello M.,

sorry you are dealing with this. Many kids go through phases like this, most of the time they want more attention or have some other trigger for the behavior. You did not write whether you believe that there was a trigger or how it started, but I would suggest that you think about what may be the reason for him acting out and see if you might be able to do something about the root of the problem.

To address his behavior are a few things I would suggest:
Kids his age need boundaries and they appreciate predictability. Pick a form of discipline and let him know in advance that if he behaves in a certain way, that will be his consequence. And then stick to it! No matter how embarrassing (in public) or inconvenient (when you really need to get something else done) - this will take a while, but it will eventually sink in. You just cannot make any exceptions!

I don't believe that he is old or mature enough to understand consequences that are not immediate. So telling him that he can't go to grandma's or taking away all his toys doesn't really work yet. You have now created a situation where in his mind there is nothing left to behave for and he probably doesn't really understand either why he is still being punished, even though he may have not hit anyone since earlier in the day. The removing of privileges works much better in older, school age kids - so I would give them back. If he uses a toy to hit or fights about a specific toy, THEN it makes sense to remove that particular toy.
Cutting down on TV may make his overall behavior better, studies show that children that watch TV are more likely to lash out, also get him some extra exercise if you can, this can also help with violent behavior.

I don't know your sitter, but it may be a good idea to look into care in a structured environment, like a preschool, at least part time. He may not be challenged enough in his current environment or feels neglected (not saying that he is, but he may still feel that way)in favor of the baby.

Good luck!

I agree whole heartedly with the other two responses, and just want to add that helping your son get outside and lots of physical activity could really help with aggression. I think kids sometimes (and boys especially) get all that pent up energy and don't know what to do with it.

I would also suggest trying to give him lots of positive reinforcement. For example, if he's about to throw a ball or toy at someone, tell him: "Oh! I love the way you're holding that ball! Did you want to play catch?" It might just be enough to help him rethink and redirect what he was about to do. Of course when he's at the babysitter's, it's up to her, so having a real conversation with her is your best bet. Good luck!

Hi M.,

I'm going to email what I would email you if I had NO idea that you were a single mom, working full time (basically, advice based on what I'd say the child needs, regardless of the situation)

Hitting isn't just destructive of others - it's self-destructive. It both demonstrates a lack of self-esteem and serves to continue to undermine it, which is a key reason to help your child choose differently.

No offense to the Love and Logic thing - but I think a lot of trendy parenting stuff doesn't hold a candle to good, old-fashioned common sense. Let's face it, common sense is as logical as it gets!

If he were older and "in the real world," his hitting would not be tolerated and, most certainly, a "time out" or taking away of something he loves wouldn't even be on the list of what would happen. If someone were at the receiving end of his hitting out there, in the more "grown up" world, he would find either that a) he would get hit back (and, often, by someone bigger than himself) or b) turned out of the social relationship / group. These are the kinds of no-nonsense consequences dished out in the real world, based on life's best teacher, common sense.

My two cents is that he's not going to learn to "self-correct" (which is what we hope to teach our kids) if he does not internalize the emotional connection between his behavior and the results it brings, in the real world. If I were in your shoes, I'd let him know that, if/when he hits again, he automatically loses the right to spend time with that person and in that environment. And by time, I don't mean some little time out - I mean, long enough (yes, weeks even!) for him to get bored and sad about his loss, as he sticks it out with me at home (in your case, maybe your mom or a close friend you trust?).

While at home, I would make sure it wasn't some la-dee-dah land where he gets all fun and games and relaxation - NOPE! I'd make sure and put him to work (in a neutral way - not mean, not lovey - just, doing the work, calm, clear, neutral). He can help with laundry, dishes, household, yard, etc. This accomplishes several things at one time - it serves as a punishment (he'll see it that way, likely!) but it also serves to connect him with you / someone he loves, his actions and his self esteem. While he's "working for you," he's learning (when he does a good job) that he's of value to the household (kids need that desperately). He's also got your attention (needs that too) but...eventually...he WILL miss the girl and what he had (if you REALLY keep him working and don't go wishy-washy on him). While working, you can discuss the concept of having to earn the right to be in the company of others - he has to show them respect and he also has the right to expect others to do the same, for his friendship.

BTW, I'd also work the other side of the problem - I mean, if the other kids are hitting, they, too, need to get a grip on the fact that he's a person who doesn't deserve this behavior, at all.

The way I see it, childhood is a time when we teach kids the skills to go out into the real world and cope with all kinds of people and situations. Sometimes, people will be downright mean and situations will be awful. Kids need to learn (at home, in the context of your caring efforts to teach) that the best way to cope is to nurture one's self-esteem and realize that it's not about what another person does / doesn't do or how hard a situation is - it's all about what he/she does and how he/she CHOOSES to respond in any given situation that matters most.

My view (take it or leave it - won't offend me :-) is that kids who have real self-esteem do not hit. Kids who care about how they are treated and understand their value in the world just naturally respect how they treat others and naturally value their relationships with others. It may not feel great to consider this idea - that maybe he's lacking in self-esteem right now - but, it might be worthwhile to consider it. Ultimately, working to cultivate it outside of the situation he's in may do him a world of good. If he earns and internalizes self-respect / respect for others, he will have no problem responding in healthy ways to bad behaviors in the world.

You obviously love your child very much. Being a single mom may make it harder to offer that time - but maybe you can find some creative solutions, relying on those who care about him as you do.

I wish you the very best!
Warm Regards,
T. B.

I think that he is frustrated with a lack of ability to problem solve, and has learned from other kids that hitting is the way to go. I'd role play at home with him and show his how he can solve his problem the way you want him to. If your sitter is not stepping in to keep the 11 month old from stealing his toys, this might be difficult. Teach him to ask nicely, then teach him what to do next when being nice didn't work. You can also set up a reward system. That every day you pick him up with a good report of no hitting, he gets a treat, or he gets sticker to put on a chart to work toward a treat.
With my kids, if they hurt someone, instead of putting them in timeout and making them say sorry, I tell them they have to "make it better". They have to comfort and console the person, get them toys, or whatever until the hurt person is happy. This forced them to be up close and personal with the crying and the saddness and it seems to mean more when they are trying to hard to make them feel better and the child just keeps crying. This will encourage empathy.

You and your babysitter would do well to have a talk about setting loving limits and having immediate consequences. As Ina has suggested, it's not too likely that consequences will mean much to a child that young unless they take effect during or quickly after a behavior.

If this is a chronic situation, I suspect the babysitter isn't up on love and logic and is too relaxed about requiring considerate behavior. Really, when the kids are in her care and you're not there to see what's happening, she is the adult in charge, and if she's not consistent, she's part of the problem. You may need to work with her on this. Consider loaning her your Love and Logic book with passages underlined that you would like to discuss with her. Let her know what rules you expect, and that you will support her in applying consequences. As is often the case with adults supervising other people's kids, she may be afraid to enforce rules that might infuriate overly-protective parents. (Or she could just be a pushover, or spread too thin for whatever resources she has available.)

I'm also wondering if you have asked your son why he hits. If he's pretty verbal, and if you have helped him identify his emotions when he feels sad, mad, frustrated, etc., he may be able to tell you something of what is going on emotionally when he hits. Could give you helpful clues about how to handle this.

Hi M.,

Keep your chin up. This is likely a phase (not that you shouldn't do anything about it) but they do seem to go through these maddening phases!

I completely agree with Ina about him being too young for that particular part of the L&L discipline system.

I would highly encourage you to read the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" by M. Sheedy Kurcinka. As a former L&L parent (who still uses some of the very good techniques they teach), I can say with certainty that my parenting style and effectiveness changed with the reading of that book. There is also a follow up book called "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles" I think the best things about her books is her ability to get us to see what place we are parenting from.

As a single mother of three girls (also without father in the picture) I hope to encourage you rather than discourage you with this posting. I know how stressful and challenging it can be to be "both" parents.

This is really difficult. My daughter is a biter, and we've had a horrible time dealing with it.

Two things that have seemed to help:

1) If she bites we tell her she will get a time out. We let her decide when she is done with her time out, but i order to be released from it she needs to apologize and give a kiss to the person she bit. She actually seems to have taken to the time outs, and it seems like they help her calm down when she is overloaded. The apologies seem useful in providing her with some empathy.

2) Giving her an alternative behavior - we have suggested that she give kisses instead of biting, or hugs instead of hitting, or, now that she has more words, we try to give her some words to use instead of acting out.

(FWIW, my daughter's friend has bitten her back, as an immediate and proportionate response. It did nothing. I think that, in some cases, returning pain with more pain can be instructive to a child - if your child really doesn't understand that what he is doing hurts. But if you think he gets that, I don't think it will have any effect other than to show him that sometimes hitting is ok. If you really think he doen't get it you could ask him to hit himself to see how it feels or something instead of demonstrating it youself. Just an idea -- my daughter has recently bitten herself spontaneously, and she really complains that it hurts. This has given us some good opportunity to talk about why we don't do that to other people... she seems to get that a little bit.)

Good luck.

If a babysitter won't let him come back if he's hitting without first working with you to teach your son not to hit she/he is not the right babysitter for you.

You've received some excellent suggestions. And some poor ones. As you know, thru studying Love and Logic, hitting only teaches your child to hit or if he stops hitting he may be responding because he's afraid of the consequence. Teachiong fear is not a good lesson. When he's older and bigger he may become the bully because he's now bigger and older and no longer afraid.

You not only want him to stop the hitting, you want him to learn some skills that are appropriate for his age. He will then have a base to build on.

Keep in mind that hitting is common at this age and there are many reasons for it. My grandson was a hitter. He was in in-home day care. His babysitter seperated him by putting him in a car seat she has sitting next to her chair. A condition of getting out was to say, I'm sorry and agree to not hit again. She would tell him "no hitting. Hitting hurts. Then she would ask him to give the kid he hit a hug.) If he couldn't give the hug it was back to the chair. He learned quickly to not hit at day care. His mother and I weren't consistent resulting in him still hitting at home. He's 5 and has outgrown the hitting unless he's very angry. He still isn't able to talk clearly which adds to getting frustrated and angry. His older sister is the target. I think it's because she does hit back.

There was another toddler that hit some of the time so he knows first hand that hitting hurts. An adult doesn't need to show him that it hurts. The lesson is more about how to express one's feelings and control one's actions.

Another thing that helped was to be aware that he was getting in over his head and separate him for some quiet time. She told him to get in the pack and play. The pack and play has definite boundaries but yet allows him to play and the babysitter to still see him. The other kids have to stay away from the pack and play. I saw that this helped all of the toddlers.

I observed that when he was tired and/or hungry he hit more often. duh I'm cranky when I'm hungry and tired. When I took care of him and he was hitting me, after the "no hitting" and helping him do the gentle touch I would have him sit down and give him a snack. Or I would lay down with him. Frequently he was asleep in minutes. Even if he didn't sleep he had some quiet time to rest as well as my snuggles.

Kids need frequent hugs. This babysitter passed out the hugs anytime a child went to her. She also held them when they were tired if she was able to do so. i.e. not dealing with other kids.

I think that we can only teach a toddler to not hit most of the time but he won't stop entirely until he "grows out of it."
Depending of course on the reason he hits. Both of my grandchildren used a slap, sometimes not so gentle, as a way of saying hello. We taught them to give a hug instead. Both are great huggers at 6 and 9.

Teaching a child to not hit works best when one is able to help the child substitute something else for the hitting. When I picked up both kids after day care they hit each other and screamed. My last attempt at stopping this wss to park in a vacant parking lot and have both kids run around the car. They then, together, studied a weed and ants in a crack before getting back in the car. We had peace the rest of the way to their home.

Another thing that helped, sometimes, waa to have a snack to give them when they first got in the car. Their mother vetoed that one. She usually has dinner ready soon after they got home.

There is a parenting toddlers thru love and logic book. Google for Love and Logic or Foster Cline.

M.,

Is your son angry at the child, just retaliating, or thinking this is a way that they say "HI, I LIKE YOU"?

I have taught my boys to shake hands and give High-Five only...even if others hit. We have had some occasions of them hitting still, but we talk it out and I just try and reinforce that we have 2 options and use our words. It is okay to be angry/mad; not okay to hit. If you want to say "HI", we use our options or pat the back or hug...etc. We are almost 3 now, and the practice seems to work for the most part.

Other than keeping up on the behavior there is not much that can be done that will change him instantly. Keep communications open and honest with your son and the caregiver.

Good luck and God Bless,
T.

I'm not big on spanking, but it seems like you've used up all your other options. My son, who is now 5, when through a hitting phase; he would hit us when we disciplined him with non physical discipline. We started hitting him back, very lightly, so that he would see what it was like. Turned out he didn't like being hit any more than we did. Took several occurences, but it worked. Now, I'm not talking about a full-fledged spanking, just a sharp slap on the arm or hand when he hits someone else to get his attention.

It's a toughie. Good luck. :-)

have you taken your son to the doctor to have him checked out to make sure that there is nothing medically wrong helping to cause this behavoir. sometimes behavoir could be caused by a reaction to food. sorry i have no other ideas good luck paula

Everyone, kids, adults, do things for positive reasons, even negative things. Your son is getting something out of his actions and I'm guessing it's a lot of attention from you and from your caregiver. Even negative attention is payoff. I think working with your caregiver is the first place to start since she's there to give an immediate response to his actions. Come up with a plan for responding to hitting and give it to her. I personally would drop all the punishment and making him earn back what you've taken away. It's clearly not working. What I would do is talk with him about how it makes you feel and how it makes the baby feel when he acts that way. "Bobby, your baby sitter told me you hit her little girl today. That makes mommy feel really sad to hear that. She told me that her little girl cried. She was sad too. Why did you hit her? Oh, you were mad at her for taking your toy. Next time you feel that way, what about (insert preplanned intervention that your babysitter can do as well here)..... I love you. Okay, let's have dinner now." This way you address the issue in a non-punitive way, tell him how it makes you feel, offer a solution then stop all attention for his behavior and move on. It may take a little time but if he stops getting attention for hitting, he'll stop doing it.

You can use punishment (the spanking, hitting back and vinegar interventions horrify me) but that is basically a form of behavior modification rather than looking at the root of what's going on. If your goal is just to get him to stop acting a certain way then punishment is appropriate, but since behavior modification doesn't address the WHY of the situation your son will probably just learn to become sneaky about his behavior in order not to get caught. If you want to understand the root of what's going on with him and address it at that level, punishment is just a power struggle that ultimately teaches your child that they are loved and cared for when they are good and not at other times.

There is a root cause of your lovely little boy's behavior and if you identify it you both can work on making things better.

I think Sue, Kiera, Marilyn E. and Tristan B. are onto something here...! No more pussy footing around, you are the parent, you know best, you run the show, PLEASE. The kid is doing a lousy job of making the right choices on his own... why? because it is not his job to determine right from wrong... it is yours! :-) Come on you can do it!
Happy Teaching!

Hit him back when he hits and make it count. Make it hurt. He won't hit after that when he sees how bad it feels. It's not right to let him hurt people. Make him understand the pain he's inflicting on others.

I think this is really tricky considering that:

1) you are not there! It's hard to discipline something when you are not there to see it. The "babysitter" needs to have effective discipline, and it sounds like she doesn't.

2) If, as you say, the older kids are hitting as well, setting a bad example.

Listen, I am a VERY strict mother, but if older kids are hitting each other, then OF COURSE your son is going to watch them and copy their behavior! I think it's too much to expect that your son would not engage that if he it WATCHING it constantly. He is too young to understand that he should not do something he sees other kids doing and getting away with.

You need: a better babysitter who knows how to discipline children. You cannot discipline at the end of the day behavior that happens during the day. Not at this age. This just does not sound like a good arrangement to me. I would try to find a different babysitter -- you say you're getting a new one next month -- but will your son be with the same children? Maybe you and the other parents could talk together with the babysitter about how various discipline scenarios should be handled.

I really think the discipline needs to be IMMEDIATE -- removing the offending child from whatever fun is going on, for example. AND it needs to be CONSISTENTLY APPLIED to ALL children.

My husband's son was biting. He bit his mother every day for six months. He bit my husband once, and my husband bit him back. Hard. He never bit his father again. But he bit his mother. Immediate, direct, proportional response. The surprise factor alone might be effective.