I was a single mother for 3 1/2 years. I got married last year and we want to expand our family. I personally feel that now is the time. My son will be 5 in August and I don't want to have that big of a gap between my children in age... I want them to be able to grow up together. We are moving into our first 'home' in March and it will put our budget tighter than we have ever had it before. I work a FT job making very decent money and I also own my Mary Kay business. My goal is to have Mary Kay be my only form of work by the end of the year, that way I can work my schedule around my familys' and of course be at home with a new baby, but it is hard to work two jobs right now around my family. And my husband works construction and has been laid off about 4 times in the last 7 months, so he hasn't found anything that is consistant. He wants to go to college in the fall and find something for a career that isn't killing him. And for as badly as he would love to have another one, he feels (and me too sometimes) that we should wait until things are more financially steady for us, until he has something steady going so that I don't have to be a working mom. I literally make twice the money he does, so it is hard to fathom losing that income that is paying our bills and paying off our debts. But I think that having a baby is just SO much more than that! Money comes and goes, but memories of a family lasts forever! I mean, I did it when I was single, it should be easier now that I am married, right? So what are my options?
*Have a baby, stay at home and try to work my business as much as possible to pay bills...
*Have a baby and have my husband be a stay at home dad while attending school at night...
*Wait for 3 years to have another baby until my husband is out of school and making decent money, but leaving 8 years between our children...
I have just always felt that waiting until things are "perfect" to have another child is impossible. If people wait until things are 100% set to have a baby, it will never happen! I want to have all of my children before 30 so that I can enjoy being young with them. I am going to be 24 next month. So I guess I need advice on compromises? What have you all done to make it work? I'm sure almost every woman has gone through this (but me of course). Thanks in advance for all of your advice!
This is a personal thing, but if you wait until you can afford another, it will never happen. There will always be something that comes up, if it is meant to be it will happen.
Good luck.
T.,
I know what you are talking about when you say that you want to have another baby but financially things look grim. My husband is going through Graduate school and I am not working. We are so in debt and need money, but we decided to press on and start our family. We completely agree with you that money comes and goes, but family is the most important. I know that money is needed to survive these days, but so is family. Keep talking with your husband. I think that eventually he will see your true desire to continue with having more children. It is not easy for a man to watch his family go through hard times, but is worth it. We are having our first and relying on the Lord to get us through. Good luck and keep a positive outlook...hubby will come along!
K.
Why does life have to be so complicated, right?!? I can't say that I was in your shoes, but money has always been tight in our home. I had my first baby the day after I finished school. My husband was working in a job he loved but did not pay well. A short time later he got a promotion. Our second was a small surprise. We were ready for another, but it happened faster than we expected. And once again, a little prior to the birth, my husband got a raise.
I don't think that there will EVER be a perfect time to have children. You just have to leap and hope that when you land things will work out.
There are also government programs that may help with some things. WIC is one that is available to families who need it and helps out with the grocery bills. I'm sure there are others too.
Good luck with this decision. I hope I helped a little.
Hello. I do agree with everyone when they say "there is not a perfect financial time to have a child." I can't tell you what you should do, I can only tell you what worked for me... I had my son almost 3 years after my daughter. When he was born, my husband and I planned our work and college hours around eachother. It was hard at times, but it felt so good to have him be with the children half of the time. We did miss eachother, but we also scheduled days to get a babysitter and go out together at least once a month. I am sure you already know when you have children, sometimes you have to make sacrifices. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do!
HI T.,
I think in the end you will find the answer to this is really what you feel strongest about in your heart. When my husband and I had our first we could not afford her but we also felt like we couldn't afford to wait. We struggled at the begining and needed some state assistance for a little while but I have never ever regretted having her. And blessings poured in. We now have #2 on the way shortly, my husband has a fantastic job and benefits.
I am also in Mary Kay so bare with me when I go off a little here but the potential in that career is astronomical and if your goal is to make that your main income and you have the goals and plan in place to make that happen then go for it!!! It gets harder to work as the pregnancy progresses :) believe me but if you were a director before the baby came, T., that seems to answer so many of your delimas. As long as you are working hand in hand with your director- there is no reason why you can't have everything you described wanting.
It is scary but it is also possible. Whatever you decide make sure it feels right in your head and your heart. Good luck!
You are right, there's never a perfect time!!! I know a couple of stay-at home-dads in my town and they seem to be doing just great. It is your decision but I see nothing wrong with you working full-time and have your husband be the one at home and go to school at night. Not the easiest route in life necessarily, but it won't last forever and you will have your new baby, your paycheck, no daycare and your husband can go to college.....Good luck with your decision!
Just my opinion of course, but I think you should have your baby now and let your hubbie be a stay at home dad while he goes to school at night. Then when he is done with school and has a steady and decent paying career, you will be ready to stay at home..and maybe have another baby. I agree that family is most important but you are smart in knowing that you have to be able to provide for them as well. Money stresses can sometimes ruin the happy family moments you could have had. Generally, a mom's place is in the home, I believe, while the kids are little..at least until they get into full time school in Elementary. But sometimes, you gotta make things work in different ways. You are trying to do the best for your family right now and that is wonderful. YOu have already had to make major adjustments in your life as a single working mom. I think your family could make it work with Dad at home during the day for a while.
If you want another baby, then have one I say. Who knows, it may take 3 years to get pregnant. You mentioned that there is never a "good" time, so just get started. Who knows what will happen in 3 years- I hate to sound negative, but SO much can happen and then it might be a worse time. I work in construction too. It has been a hard year in Omaha for construction with the weather the way it's been. Hopefully next year will be stronger, cause I know lots of people who are struggling this year.
You're right there is never a perfect time...but there IS a better time than others. Honestly, with a 5 year gap, they won't have much in common anyway, as it will be another year before baby arrives, and then another 2 before they really 'play' together. By waiting until things are a little more stable you may save lots of strain on your marriage, your budget and definitely your stress level! I don't care what they say...2 are WAY harder than 1!! Ultimately, nobody but you and your husband can decide when it's time, but I'd hate to see anybody find out too late that they should have waited!
~L.
Hi T.,
I probably come from a pretty non objective perspective on this one, but my husband and I had our daughter when I was thirty very easily. I am now 34 and have trying to have a baby for 2 years. Infertility has been a difficult thing in our lives and due to this I would recommend you not wait. Nothing will ever be perfect for you to bring a child into this world. Furthermore, you cannot garauntee that if your husband got a college degree neither of you could loose your job despite the degree in this economic marketplace. I say go for it while you are still young. No one in my family had infertility. My mother was one of nine children and everyone joked about how easy it was in our family to get pregnant. Interstingly 1 in 8 couples suffer infertility after 30 and 1 in 6 after 35. I hope this helps. I would trade all the things in the comfort of our life right now to have a baby instead of having the "perfect" scenerio to bring a baby into this world.
Sincerely
K.
After we had our 2nd child, we made the decision to have me stay at home, giving up the job at which I made twice as much as my husband. We now have 4 children & do just fine on $30,000/year income & have even put money away for college for all 4 and retirement for us. You'd be surprised how you can save money if you really try (buying for need, not want; reusing; making your own; shopping sales, garage sales, & thrift stores; etc.). However, in your situation, you working & your husband being a stay-at-home might work better. I have friends that have done that as well. It changes the dynamics a little, but the kids still have the security of having a parent taking care of them as much as possible. You can't replace these years. If you wait to have more, you may find that your fertility has decreased or you might develop health problems in the interim. That is heartbreaking. About the age difference: yes, they might be emotionally closer if they are nearer to the same developmental stages. However, as long as you nurture a strong family bond, they should hopefully always be close. My older siblings are all 2 years apart, while I am 19 years younger than the oldest & 7 years younger than the one closest to me in age. In spite of me being so much younger, I feel very close to the ones that are 15, 11, & 7 years older than me. I'm probably closer emotionally to them than my older siblings are to each other. In the long run, it has more to do with personalities & common interests than it does with age. Finally, don't put an age limit on your family! My mom had me at age 39, my sister had her last at age 42, & I'm still hoping for more at 38. I had my first when I was 23 & my fourth when I was 35. I've found that I'm a much better parent now. I'm more relaxed & knowledgeable, more patient, & better at focusing on them. I'm sure that you'll make the right decision for you after looking at all the angles. Just don't let fear keep you from doing something important to you. Trust that it will all work out for the best.
You will never be financially set to have another child. Even the best laid plans get interrupted. I had my third last year and we had money saved for my maternity leave, we had our tax return coming, everything was perfect. Our other kids were 4 and 5 so daycare would be decreased with my daughter going to school full time. Then my husband his a patch of black ice, spun out and crashed the car. It cost more to repair than the car was worth. Our new medical insurance didn't cover well childs or shots like our previous plan did through the same company so we had a pile of medical bills.
From my perspective, you'll never regret having another child, but you could regret not having one. Do what feels best and make the changes to your lifestyle that would make life easier financially. (Drop your cable plan down, reduce or get rid of a cell phone, shop at Aldi vs. a major grocery store.) You'll make it work!
I agree with you. If you wait until you are financially ready, you might never have another one.
Our fondest memories are when we were first married, broke and had our dd! Fifteen years have past and this year has been our best financially as it ever has, and I look back and am so glad we had our children even though we really couldn't aford it.
Keep the dream, and it will happen! Work toward staying home for the next one like you want--you'll NEVER regret it--no matter how "strapped" you are!
T., I don't see your working full-time and having a baby listed as one of your options. You may feel strongly that you should stay home with your baby. I certainly understand that. But I have found a way to make it work as a full-time working mother with two children and a third on the way. Many women do it and still are wonderful mothers. If worst comes to worst, you might consider continuing to work full-time, even just temporarily while your husband finds a job he likes. I know it is not ideal, but sometimes we make sacrifices for our family, and finances are important too. Just my thoughts as a working mother.
I was a Single mother of one when I met my husband my son was 4 at the time. We married in 2000 by then my soon was 7 and we wanted to start trying right away because of the age gab I did end up pregnate right away. My son was 8 when we welcomed his baby sister into the world and he was a great big brother and when he was 10 we welcomed a baby brother. I would say wait and make sure that you and husband can make a go of things if he starts school and you starting your own bussiness full time. You don't want to be welcome a new baby in to the world with money being tight. That could start causing problems in your marriage and no one wants that. I hope I gave you some good advise you have time to wait until you are 30. I did it all before 30 you can to. K.
You're right that there is never a "right" time to have a baby. However, I had my children when I was 29 and 31 and I have plenty of energy for them both and I don't feel old at all! I love that I had my kids when I was older and we were financially better off than when we first married when I was 25. And my husband made enough that I was able to quit my job and be a SAHM without having to make huge sacrifices to do so (which would never had been possible just 4-years earlier).
No one can really answer this question for you, but I can tell you that waiting until your late 20's or early 30's isn't a bad choice, either.
I have to agree with everyone about not have a good time to have another baby. But my husband is also in the construction industry and faces getting laid off all the time. He truly regrets not going to college before having children. Now he is making a choice not to back to college. He does not want to work all day and take classes at night. He does not want to miss the kids growing up. So that is just something to think about.
I also wanted all my children before 30 and felt that the ages should be close. For our first child my husband stayed home while going to school and working part time and I had a full time job. It stayed this way until our second child and he got a full time career job. It was a bit hard not being able to be there for my baby how I would have liked, but it did give my husband the experience and he understands the position of being a full time parent. I now am a stay at home mom of 2 with our last one on the way. This worked out for our family and may have been a sacrifice but one well worth it. We didn't have others raising our children and were able to be there for them and our first two children are best friends, they Love each other. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Good Luck!
My children are 6 years apart...yes trying to get them to pay attention to the same thing for the same amount of time is very interresting needless to say. when they fight..the world is at an end. But when they are playing and giggle'n together it makes it so much better. times are rough for both. my son thinks his sister gets all the attention but really he is older and more self sufficient. My son is 9 and my daughter is 3. To put a spin on it he goes to his dad's house part of the time also. I cant say much for that household because i am not there but my son has a brother that is 7 years younger then him there. He does play rough with his brother then comes home and trys to do the same with his sister. Which with her doesn't go over so well. Decent money doesn't come it just gets spent on other things. both of my children were not planned. But I wouldn't give up either of em for the world. they are both very precious in their own way so they are growing up together although they are 6 yrs apart.
Take a good look at your budget. Is there anything you can cut out? Yes, a baby is more valuable than anything, but babies need secure families, so it's important not to go into the hole if you can help it. Can you live without cable? Can you survive on lentils and rice(like my husband and I did in college)? If you're creative about it, AND in agreement, best of luck! 24 is still very young (I didn't start with babies until I was 30, and now have 3 wonderful kids!). Building a strong foundation with your husband is also important. Good luck with the decision!
T.,
There is never a "perfect" time to have a baby. If you wait until the right time, it just never comes. I remember finding 100 ways to make mac and cheese work! If you are making that much money and hubby's job is inconsistent, why not work and have him be a stay at home dad? My hubby did this for about 2 years and it worked out great. He got to be closer to the kids and I knew that they were well taken care of. I, too, made the most money and it worked out well. My hubby went back to school and now owns his own business. Now I can cut back on work a little and enjoy life!
L. :)
Thats a really good question, Im 35 and my son is 12 years old now, I got pregnant so easily when I was 22, was a single mom for over 10 years, Now want to start over which doesnt seem as bad as I thought it would when my son was younger (waiting till he was older), but now that I feel I'm ready, Guess what, Infertility has struck our life and I cant get pregnant on my own, I've been trying since the later part of 2006, had tests, been on meds, more tests, done everything I can (so far but am not done yet) and still no baby, Its nice to have plans, and I wished we had more controll and say over our lives, I've learned that we are not is in controll as we think.
Your young, it's a great time to have a child, but so is 5 more years from now if your ready. I've learned that the heart really has no time limit on when, I thought fur-sure that I would stop dreaming of that second child by time my son was 5, then 8, then 10, When I was 30, 32, ok for sure 35,But here it is, my son is turning 13 in March, I'll be 36 in March and I want a family more now than I ever did in my twenties.
What I'm saying is you'll be fine if you get KU now, but you'll also be just fine if you wait. A part of me wants to tell you to not waste any time because there comes a point where your choice is taken from you (but thats because of my own experience, it probably wont be that way for you) another part of me wants to say wait until you can be confortable and not stress financially, let you husband finish school, there is no hurry.
So good luck to you on your decision. It will all work out in the end and I believe either way, you'll be happy.
Obviously this is a very personal decision...So I can only speak as to what I would do if I were in your position...
I would wait. Yes, there are advantages to having kids be close in age...but they aren't going to be that close anyway. 5 years is a significant enough gap that they are really in completely different worlds.
I would wait until things were more financially secure. Yes, you "can never have enough money for a baby" as everyone says...but I believe that we, as parents, have a responsibility to put pur kids in the best situation possible. When my husband and I were considering kids we waited until we were making enough each month to cover the bare neccesities...daycare, formula, diapers. We are not in a great financial position now, but we know that we can meet our regular monthly bills and the basic needs of our child (heck, some months we even make a dent in getting things paid off!). It gives us peace of mind...having a baby is stressfull enough, I can't imagine having major money concerns on top of new baby concerns. I think that it also makes us better parents...and makes for a stronger marriage. We were both in great places as individuals before we added baby to the mix. It sounds like your husband really wants to do something to better himself (school). I guess that I worry that he may feel the pressure of providing for your family and put his life on the backburner...and what will the repercussions of that be in 5, 10 or 15 years?
I guess I just keep thinking of what a friend told me when we were trying for #1... "A baby is permanent...it doesn't care if you don't have enough money...and the bank/ your creditors don't really care if you have a new baby. You will always have basic daily costs associated with your child...having a baby when you cannot afford those costs is irresponsible." It's harsh, yes. But it rang true with me then...and now that I have a little one, it still rings true now!
I don't think waiting is as bad as you think. When I met my husband he had an 11 month old son. We got married when he was three. I was 22 years old and ready to have kids of our own. We had just bought a house and things were going good. His son had even started calling me mom which made me want our own family even more. We started trying right away. About a 1 to 1 1/2 years later I got pregnant and it ended in a miscarriage. I thought I was ready to try again but really wasn't when it came to it. I just had my first child, which ended up being twin girls, and my step son is now 8. He is more of a help than I ever thought he would be. He is great with my girls, he is always wanting to feed them, help change their diapers, wanting to hold them and even gets to help me get them to their carseats (they are almost 5 months old). Even though I wanted our family right away, I am glad it worked out this way. My husband works weekend nights, and when his son stays the weekend, I couldn't be more happy for someone to be here with me to help me with my girls. He will be a great teacher to them.
You are still young and do have time. If you wait for the time to be a "Great" time, it won't happen. You MUST talk to your husband and agree on living on a tight budget, for now. Stay at home Dad? The most important thing is that the two of you talk about this and agree! One person does not make a marriage.
T.-
Growing up in a poor family where my mom stayed at home, but we couldn't afford I can say money is not everything! I have such great memories & secure feelings of her being at home with us. Now that I am a SAHM we can't really afford it either, but we get by. It can be stressful at times & we have to take help when offered & cut all the corners we can. I am thankful I am at home though & it will only be a couple of years before they go to school & I will start a job. I also agree that years between kids do matter. The more years apart they are the less close they will be because the other will be in another stage of life. You & ur husband need to sit down & figure out the best options for you. We survive on about 30,000 take home & I know it couldn't be lower than that for our family of 4 as we barely meet our bills now.
Hope that helps
Brekka
T.-
I can relate!! Here was our situation...
I was going to school for my Masters degree when we found out we were pregnant. At that time I was only substiute teaching as to offer the flexiblity to take classes. My husband was the main money maker. Then we were told we could not have anymore. We bought a house and found out 3 months later we were expecting number 2. By this time I had graduated and my husband had started school for his Masters Degree and I was teaching part-time.
Then after looking at daycare costs, we decided that I would stay home until our kids were in school full-time. We just had number 3 8 months ago. And let me tell you, money is NOT flowing out our ears, but we make it work. You find things that you do not NEED to do or go. You also find joy and pleasure in the littlest things.
You are right, you will never be ready money-wise for kids. It does make it easier when you have a little money but it also builds character when you don't have it.
I would not change our situation for the world. No, we can't go out to eat as much as I would want, and yes, our debt is not going away as fast as I would like. But the joy I see daily is worth it.
I think you should go for it, and have your husband stay home or take a part-time job.
Good luck!!!
My kids have eight years between them, and it is not bad. One they are growing up together!? When my oldest graduates from high school my youngest will be in third grade.Terrible two just one at a time. Yikes the teens! just one at a time. The prom the college days the stuff. You can enjoy each one at the place and time that each are in the parenting skills the oldest learn are fab. Frankly you are going the set up new family for so many hardship and asking a lot of your hubby he is new to fathering and husbandhood. Jumping head long in more more more! Mary Kay?! sweetie that wax and wanes. NOT a career choise the big money makers are few and far between.
If you really really think its time, I wouldn't wait. I have a 6 month old and my husband is still in school. Granted, I work part time (teaching) but we very much wanted a baby and thought it was the right time so we just did it. I know tons of other people who have had a baby while one or both of them was still in school. If its important enough to you, you can always make it work one way or another. Don't forget, even though its not ideal, there is financial aid and student loans for college student. Good luck!
Believe me, I do understand your desire for another child,especially not wanting to have too big of a gap between them. BUT, you really need to listen to yourself! You have barely been married a year. You are moving into a new home which you admitted will strain your budget more than ever. Your husband, bless him, wants to work but is in a seasonal job prone to lay-offs. YOU are the primary, stable financial source for your family. Having a child should be a blessing, not a financial burden and it may also become a contention between your husband and yourself. Think about it. I have brothers and sisters who are quite a bit older than I. I did not suffer. They love me and I love them and we did not have to suffer the sibling rivalry!
My children are 6 years apart only because I couldn't conceive. I know how hard it is when you need your household to be a 2 income one. I did tupperware but it wasn't a stable business for me. Some months I would do great then nothing the next month.
I know how when you get that feeling you want another child. It is something that you think about constantly. Although my children are far apart in age, they couldn't be closer. Cassie my oldest does sometimes get jealous and a bit territorial.
Although having children is the most special thing you will ever do, you have to think about providing the most stable enviornment.
I am able to dedicate more individual time to my kids right now. One is off at school and the baby is home with me. I did want them to be closer in age but that isn't what was planned for me. I just want you to know that waiting might not be that bad.
I agree w/ you, there is never a right time. I will say I have 7 kids, my oldest are 16,15,15, and 14, then eight years later we had 3 more 6,3,and 17 months. We were so broke with the first four (2 are not biologicaly mine) but I knew I wanted more, my husband was fine with that but he wanted to wait, I was also the same as you would not have them past 30 and I was getting darn close to that age. Finally he relented, and we had number five and I came to him with a plan, and showed him how it could be done. for example, the cost of diapers and formula, baby clothes ect, I took a small portion each week and applied it to the baby account, by the time baby came we would have all we needed, the first few months of diapers, clothes and misc baby things. Sit down and figure this out, there is no reason you can't work and raise a baby, if your husband is serious abotu going to school then he can do his part in the welfare of yours/his child. Lots of families do it! Know as a side not I had number 6 when I was 33 and number 7 when I was 35, I have the same energy but a whole lot more patience, I find the older I am that I enjoy parenthhod more, I had my first at 19 and Second at 20, at what was frustating with them isn't the same know, there is a lot of truth to the old adage "with age comes wisdom" they just left out patience.
Know to the age difference, my older 4 are such big influences in my little ones lives, they enjoy them more then they did each other growing up, they take the whole big brother/sister thing a lot more seriously, and vice versa, they look at the older ones (the little ones) to protect them from each other, they are an amazing help, not that they are required but just that they feel "obligated" to the little ones. Age differences is about us more then it is them. As a side not I have a 16 yearold sister and a 14 year old brother, same age as a few of my older, and adore them, thier are times were I am more mother like with them, but they still come to me as a sister, especially cause I have many more years of my mother and can teach them how to "deal" with her, but I also have the benefit of being a mom and help them see a different side, no matter what you do good luck.
I think that waiting for the perfect time is a waste, because that time will never come. That said, if you were to decide together to set some goals to get you to the point where you want to have a baby, that could work. That being said, I also think, if you are willing, that your hubby could be a stay at home dad. More and more dads are stay-at-home now since women can make big bucks in the work place. And perhaps after he is done with school and has a great job, you could switch roles and you can stay home. Also, then neither of you would get too burned out with the stay-at-home thing. But that's just my 2 cents :)
Good Luck!
