My Son's 1St Birthday

Hello, I know you have a lot of advice already and for the most part mine will be the same, I have a sorda similar situation, My mom and mother-in-law don't get along, they both feel they have rights to me, when I was 17 my mom got involved with the wrong people and drugs, needless to say I ended up out of the house and with nowhere to go my then future mother-in-law took me in, my mom gave her gaurdianship so I didn't end up in juvie as a runaway. Know there is this whole jeously(sp?) thing with my mom. My mom and I worked things out years ago, but I have always hated having them in the same room togather for fear one would get their feelings hurt, even avoided parties for the kids, and then one day I gave up, they are adults and it isn't my job to make sure things are O.K with them, I quit running interferance and enjoy the situation, and I won't listen to thier "hurt feelings" afterwards. Believe it or not after a few times they stopped, things still aren't great but at least know I am not responsible for their feelings I have a family of my own they are welcome to participate but I will not worry about what they don't/won't do. I do try to always make them feel welcome, loved and appriciated, I just won't hold their hands.

Don't know if it helped.....But I feel better :).

She's your mom and your son's grandma. Be gracious. Do you thing for the party. If she feels uncomfortable, then that was her decision to be that way. Not yours. the only person she has to blame for being Jealous or you and your MIL is her self. we all make choices in life and then must live with them. You don't want to look back in 10 years and feel like you shut her out. Keep the door open a crack for those times she comes around.

I think I would handle it with something like this... "I would really like you to come to my sons birthday, but there are some of my friends and our family that my son has gotten close with that you might feel uncomfortable around. If you do come you must keep in mind that this day is all about my son and not about anyone else, period. If you do start to feel uncomfortable, you can politely make up something to make a peaceful exit."

Unfortunately you can't change your mother. If she doesn't want to come to the party, that's her problem. Not yours. You can invite her and don't feel guilty if she doesn't respond the way you want. You have your own kids now, they are your first priority. You have to decide if she's good for them or not. Good luck.

I'd agree with the above. You should definitely invite her, that may be a for sure way to get her to disappear again, but make it clear who's all going to be there. It's not fair to the other people that have been there for your son and for you to not be able to come. Maybe if she's prepared, then it'll go smoother.

i think it's a great idea you just let her know that the day is you sons day. i have issues with my mom and dad being together at functions like birthday parties and things and i just let my mom know that it's not about her. she doesn't have to show up or even be around. but also let her know that you really would like her to come and be apart of his birthday. if her feelings get hurt, it's her own fault and her problem. you just sit back and enjoy your sons first birthday no matter what happens.

I would let her know how you feel. She is the one who is not wanting to share in your life, if she feels awkward, well then...she is the one who has made the situation awkward. And it is your sons day not hers == she should know that.

Hi S.,
I really thank it is awful how your mom has treated you and your sister. But I have to agree with you the day is about your son not your mom so what I would do is invite her and tell her if she feel awkward then she don't need to come that it is totally up to her but that the day is about your son and everyone eles will be there. I think that your mom could use some counseling.

God Bless
L.

I hope your mom isn't suffering from mental illness of some sort. My sister-in-law is bipolar and acts in a very similar way. I know this doesn't give you any immediate help with your party situation but maybe you should suggest she be evaluated???

You just have to remember that these issues are your mother's, not yours. Definitely encourage her to have a relationship with your son, because relationships with grandparents are very important. Put forth as much effort as you're willing to do to keep your own relationship going with your mother, but don't stress about it any more than you have to. Invite her to the party, but don't worry about whether she's comfortable around everyone else, because that's her problem. Only she has control over that, you don't. If it becomes an issue that affects your son as he grows up, see if you mother would be open to counceling and go with her, then you guys can work out your issues in a healthy way and your son will benefit from that too. Hope he has a great birthday! My daughter just turned 1 a couple weeks ago and she had a blast at her party!

I went thru something simialar with my child's father. Because of the tension, I asked that he give the party a head start - then he could show up for cake. I personally could not have cared less that he even came- but for the sake of my son I offered him a part of it. He came, we faked a few smiles and he left. I'd do the same over again because it's not about him or I, it's about our son.

I would think you'd give your mom the opportunity to be there if she wishes, but I would make it clear that if she feels uncomfortable- that's her problem to solve. You could say as in the last line of your request "grow up and let today be about my son and not you." Simply put- that's exactly what she needs to do.

Have a great birthday party!

Obviously you are concerned about the way your mom is behaving. I would suggest talking to her about it, apart from the party. But I do think you should tell her that this day is about your son and family and that she is a guest. Her feelings are not your responsibility, even though she may make you feel that they are. I'm sorry your mother is not as mature as you seem to be. Good luck!

I have to tell you that my mom and my grandma do the same thing. My mom acts like it doesn't bother her, but how can it not!!

I think that this is about your son and if your mom can't handle it then she should make that decision on her own. But if you are worried that she will not handle the situation then maybe invite her over for a special dinner with you and your hubby. This is your choice and in your heart you will know what the right decision will be for you and your family!!

I say it's your sons birthday not hers. I think what she is doing is very childish. Maybe if you told her to grow up and this is not her day she might be ok with that. Although it sounds like nothing will ever make her happy. If she feels awkward its her own fault for being this way for so long. I hope you get it worked out. Good Luck:)

I think I would invite her but make it clear that it is your son's day and that any drama needs to be left at the door and handled another day, that way she can make the decision if she wants to be a part of the day or if she wants to shut herself out of it because she is being immature.

Let her know how you feel, the best thing is to tell the person and not worry so much about it. Your right it is your son's big day, don't worry about anyone else but him on that day. Your mom will understand she is your mother and loves you even if she doesn't talk to you in months. Good luck and Happy Birthday to your son.

i'd say of course invite her. no need to mention any antics from the past. don't walk on egg shells while she's there. act yourself with your sister and mil. it is her decision whether she wants to join in the fun or sulk. if she sulks then i would just ignore her. don't respond to her passive aggressive actions. if she stops talking to you, doesn't mean you have to stop trying to talk to her. doesn't mean you have to fret about it.
it's very hard , i understand that part. i have this same relationship with my sister. but for years we have enabled her to be this way by WORRYING about how she was feeling. and as y ou said , you don't want her to 'feel awkward'. why not? maybe a little awkardness is good for her. she would only feel awkward because of her own doing.
as hard as it may be, try to have the relationship she is capable of giving you. i know for years i have tried to force my sister to have a closer relationship with me. suggested conseling, apologized for many years past of things i didn't even remember doing but she still felt hurt by. still didn't help. i was told too little too late. then i realized that i was wanting a certain type of relationship that maybe she just isn't capable of giving. so i'm now trying to just take the relationship for what it is and where it's at. it's not easy.
btw,, my mom passed away in 1992 at 44yrs old..so i can't really give advice as far as the mom/daughter type of relationship you two are having. so maybe a mom/daughter relationship like this is different than a sister/sister one. :-)
i wish you luck. it's a really hard place to be in. but you also have choices you can make to make things less frustrating for youself even with your mom involed or in your life
goodluck
T.

Hi S., I feel like you hit it right on target when you wrote you need to let your mother know it your son's day NOT her's. 1st birthdays are just that, no re-dos. At times you can't please everyone. I hope you and your family have a wondeful day and your son has a very happy 1st birthday! Good luck and God Bless.

Since your mom is the type that won't say anything Invite her! Who cares about the rest! It's his B-day not hers. I'm sure your Brother in law will get the conversations going! And if she doesn't come oh well her lost! At least you invited her! My mom regrets not going to Quintin's! You remember that! Good Luck call me!!

I agree with Katie A. The party focus should be your son. You should invite you mom (even if she was in her non-speaking mood). If she decides to come or not will be her choice.