My Son Is 8 and Having Problems and Took Him to Dr They Say Its Us

M.,
Sweetie...the only thing that can be done is to be there for your son. I too am of the opinion that his recent behavior changes have been due to the four of you. Not that any of you has done anything wrong. Change is hard for adults, and most people think that it is easy for children, but it really is not. Almost every child I have known needs a routine, and when that routine is messed up, chaos inevitably ensue's. Try to think of when your children were really little, and they missed a nap...it's the same type of behavior, only magnified due to the emotions and confusion. What I would try doing is set aside time with your son and your ex and talk to him about what is going on. Let him know that you both love and support him, but that if things are too crazy right now then you both will be willing to give it a little time. You and your ex will both have to be willing to comprimise on this one though. You might try him only seeing your ex one day a week to begin with, and then taking it from there. The thing to remember is, it is not about how you or your ex may feel...it's about your children. You two will have to be able to communicate at least enough to let each other know what is going on. Other wise it is just going to create all sorts of heart ache for your children. Hope that this helps a little.

I have an almost six year old, her birthday is in two weeks, and her father wasn't in her life until she was three, but has been consistantly part of her life since then. She still doesn't like going to his house, so I talk to her and reassure her that I will be there if she needs me, I tell her to call me if she needs me, but it is still hard for her. You cannot expect a child to immediately adapt to such a drastic change, it takes time and effort, from both parents, it may even take years. A child can't understand the nature of you and your ex's relationships, especially an off and on relationship. The bottom line is, your doctor was right, this is your responsibility to be there for your son, and help him with his psychological development, trust has to be earned sometimes.

M.,
If you are in an area that offers a Broken Promise program, it is wonderful. I was a Broken Promise leader for 7 years at West Side Christian Church in Springfield, IL. I have seen it really help the kids to understand that divorce is between Mom and Dad, it is not their fault. It also teaches them the grief process and gives them tools to deal with anger. There is also a class for the parents to go to at the same time that helps you learn how to help your child deal with living with Mom and Dad being divorced. I watched a lot of kids go through the program and it helps them all.

As a person with multiple parents (mom and dad divorced when I was 2), I understand how hard it can be to go through this kind of situation. All I can say is that it is very important for ALL of you to be on the same page. Put all issues aside and decide on rules that will be the same in both homes. It is important to have consistency or else your child will become confused and misbehave. Also, this will be tough, but my mom bad-mouthed my dad a LOT. So, my advice is to encourage your son to have a relationship with his father- no matter what. If his dad messes up, that's his dad's fault for missing out on a wonderful boy. Your son will adjust and everything will work out. Take care and good luck with everything.

M., I'm afraid your son's behavior has EVERYTHING to do with the 4 of you. If he had no dad for6 yrs and then your fiance has been his dad figure for 2 yrs and then his dad comes back and he suddenly has 2 dads, 2 homes, 2 sets of parents..not to mention having to get to know his bio dad and stepmom (girlfriend?)since they have not been in his life before this... why would you think it has nothing to do with the 4 of you? I would say give him some time to adjust and tell him the rules at your house have not changed and he will receive the same punishments you have always given him if he misbehaves. He probably is very mixed up right now and possibly very upset that his life is turned upside down and he might be lashing out and you need to be there for him and talk to him calmly about it and answer his questions if you are able to. You said your fiance (boyfriend) has been his father figure for the past 2 yrs, but you didn't say what the situation was for his first 6 years. Don't place blame on is dad and verbalize it to him because it will only drive him in that direction. It is difficult I know, but you have allowed him to "go over there and stay there" so you have to try to not put his dad down to him because it will confuse him. Your son needs his father in his life and no matter what your feelings are you need to keep any bad feelings to yourself and think of your son and his needs. Too often the divorced parents force their personal feelings about their ex on the child and don't allow the child to have their own feelings about their parents individually and it is very hard on the child. Maybe you could check out "Children First", there is a website and classes are manditory here in IL for any couple with children that divorces in this state, maybe they are available in other states also, I don't know. I am still shaking my head about you not thinking it has anythng to do with the 4 of you....lol

Hi M.! I am 38 and have an 18 year old daughter and 4 year old son. I was married at 19 to daughter's Dad. Divorced when she was 4. I have a 4 (almost 5) year old son, whose biological father has nothing to do with him. I married a WONDERFUL man 3 years ago. My husband has been a great Dad. The reason I am telling you MY background, is, All this advice I read that has been given to you is GREAT, but I BELIEVE, the best thing you can do is TALK to your child. Ask HIM! Listen to the child. If you have his trust, and he can TALK to you, he'll be FINE! You're his MOM. You have that INSTINCT. You'll know what to do. GOOD LUCK!!!

Hi, M.,
It sounds like you have some wonderful supports in your life and also some challenging things going on as well. It sounds like your son is adjusting to some things going on in hie life. Are there any new siblings, new school or a new house? Although there are positive changes taking place there are still adjustments and transitions taking place. I would be glad to talk to you about Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, which has proven to be helpful and beneficial for children with behavioral problems. My office number is ###-###-####. Good Luck!
Sincerely,
G. W.

Hello M.=
I too have an 8 year old and a 2 year old so first off you have your hands full with before problems even start.
It is very possible for your son to be lashing out in a personal discomfort from what is going on. He may feel torn apart and not know what to do. He may feel as though he has to "take sides". It is very hard to tell what a child is feeing or what he is going through. There littl eminds wander like you would not believe.
I too am re-married, but in my case my oldest son does not see his father or if he does it is may 2 times a year (feel free to read some stuff I have wrote and the feed back I have gotten back).
Best of luck to you!

Parents are commonly blamed for their children's difficulties, no matter what they are.

I would say that at your son's age he may be going through a "hero worship" type of behavior and be trying to mimic his father as a sort of role model. In a new situation like this more common contact that has happened recently in his life.

Usually, with constant correction, and gentle guidance from both households equally (united front), it will likely dissipate within a couple of months. It is also possible that he is testing his boundaries with the change, and if that is the case, or even if it is a combination of the two, it will likely go away using this method of unified parenting. *smile*