My Son Doesn't Want a Playdate!

Friends come and go.
It's time for this one to go.
Just always be too busy for the boys to get together.

I don't think there's a diplomatic way to say, "You know, Joe just swears too much and my Joey doesn't think he's very nice." It's just going to upset the mom and/or make her defensive. I'd probably say something vague like, "You know, Mary, I talked to him about it, and my Joey just isn't that interested in play dates much. Maybe it's just a phase the kids are going through, but they seem to be going in different directions at the moment." I wouldn't keep stringing her along though, by saying you have plans on this date and a conflict on that date. You want to stop the invitations in as non-confrontational a way as possible. Don't get involved in a whole lot of explanations or excuses, and don't feel the need to defend your position. Just be matter-of-fact and the invitations will stop. If she persists, just say, "Let's let things sit for a while, shall we?"

I'd tell her that your son is no longer interested in play dates with joe. If she asks why give her the reasons your son gave you. I'm more of a straight up person though.

Their friendship has changed and your son isn't interested in a playdate at this time. Frankly, if my DD said that a friend was no longer nice, I'd trust her judgement, even if I had to be the bad guy.

My son had an 'inseparable best friend' from the time they were 4 until about age 8. That is when they began to drift apart. They still saw each other occasionally or attended birthday parties for a couple more years, but by 10 it was clear that they had nothing in common anymore.

The other mom and I both noticed and acknowledged that the friendship had run it's course. It might be hard if Joe's mom hasn't noticed, but it would probably be kindest to tell her that your son and hers have grown apart.

Like you said both you and the other mom are adults. No need to feel bad. It's life. Sometimes we get along with folks and sometimes we don't. Your kid gets to choose and choose wisely. No need for bad feelings here.

If she invites your son for another play date just let her know that your son no longer prefers to play with Joe. If she asks why let her know the real why and not some made up answer. Her feelings shouldn't be hurt and even if they are it shouldn't be because you didn't tell her in a way that was respectful and curtious.

If Joe didn't want to play with your son and his mother knew why, wouldn't you want the truth or would you prefer her to be more concerned about you having hurt feelings over this?

Yes, I had a couple of similar situations with my boys. It was hard, because I felt bad for the other boy, but I couldn't force my son to be friends with someone he didn't want to. You just have to tell the other mom your son doesn't want to go. Friendships wax and wane.

Remember it's not just the mom's feelings you have to be concerned with. You refer to "we are all adults". There's a little guy who will be hurt. So be mindful and compassionate. He's been friends with your son for two years or so.

I would just suggest taking a break - the kids seem to not be getting along quite so well - if they decide on their own that they would like to get together and play they will let the parents know. Leave it at that.

Never say never. My kids have picked up friendships after more than two years.

Kids are resilient and will bounce back. Just be kind. You may find that Joe isn't as interested either.

I just want to bring up another dynamic...I'm wondering if your son was ok playing with him before..but maybe now is feeling some pressure from other kids to shun (I don't mean that as harsh as it sounds...maybe avoid? ??) Due to his quirkiness. .. for some reason the new habit of swearing strikes me as a possible defense against others picking on him...if your son really doesn't want to play that's fine...but maybe ask if others are pressuring him to not play with this boy...unless u really don't like your son to be involved w this child either...then now is the time to cut ties...sorry on my phone and sometimes it types weird.

i'd just say something courteous and honest in the vein of 'it seems as if the boys are growing apart these days. it's actually kind of cool that they're growing up and branching out, isn't it? let's let it go for a while and see if they naturally find their way back to a closer friendship again.'
khairete
S.

You should be honest.

Also, 8 is a bit old for playdates.

I had a similar situation a few years ago with one of my DS's friends. he started getting really manipulative and deceptive and was not treating the other kids very well. these things were making my DS uncomfortable, he came to me and I called the mom and had that uncomfortable but necessary mom to mom talk and simply said i thought the boys should take a little break for a while. they did and that resolved our issue. he now hangs with a much better crew and i'm was so impressed that he stuck by his guns, communicated as well as he did and didn't let this little kid drag him down a bad road.

i know this was mostly about me, sorry about that. i hope you can glean something valuable from it anyway. :-) S.

Don't mention the swearing unless this becomes an honest heart-to-heart and them mom wants details. Cuz really. All the kids swear. They do in my kids' school anyway. OK maybe not all. But TONS. And honestly, since it's the not main reason your son isn't comfortable, it's the overall general personality of the kid, you can't change that by mentioning it.

To be honest, since my kids, 3rd, 1st and kinder, started school (I used to homeschool) I have NO CLUE how people have time for playdates outside of school. It's such a mad crush to get snack, rest, instrument practice, homework dinner, baths, reading, decent bed time.....my kids aren't even in sports and we're severely pinched for time. When we get a birthday invite I'm like, UGH REALLY>>@! They're surrounded by kids all day every day for heaven sakes... :) Anyway, my point is: Be too busy. "We can't swing any playdates these days schedule-wise, holy cow has your son been super busy too??! So much different than the past two years...." My friends and I have had this talk for real, as kids get older they get busier.

I would only say "The boys (PLURAL) aren't getting along right now" if you are planning to have your son on other playdates with other kids and the mom will notice and be hurt. Even then, I'd say it like the "temporary and normal" problem was both of them, not just her son, so they should try again once things smooth out.

Path of least resistance.

Ugh. Been there and it's a tough spot to be in.
No. I would not put the burden on her or her son.
This soy da lije kids who are moving in different circles, directions, it's not about character flaws. I'm guessing if your son was asking to get together, his ping pong ball-ness nor his sweating would be the issues (providing that he was behaving at your house, biunciness and all!).
So...just be vague: "Ben has been so busy with sport/instrument/club/homework/church group lately he really doesn't have much time for play dates. Maybe in the spring/summer/ when things wind down a bit we can get them together?"

This seems to fall into the category of mommy meddling and since its the other boys mommy doing the meddling, sounds like she is trying to make friends for her son who isnt doing it or retaining them on his own. Mommy meddling is a major problem and if there was a pill for it we would all be better off. The other boy needs to experience the consequences of what he is. Truth is best like it or not, tell the other mom that your boy isnt comfortable with hers because of his mouth and his behavior and just doesnt want to play with him. Sorry, but covering it with sugar does not solve the problem. Maybe mommy meddler needs to hear the raw truth so she can stop meddling and realize that her son is a brat and she is not a great parent and needs to make improvements herself.

If you respect her, you'll find a way to be direct with her. You can cushion the blow by doing something like this:

I would "blame" it on your son's sensitivities. "he's having a lot of difficulty processing loud sounds and activities" (pretty typical at this age for a lot of boys) "and he wants to take a break from play dates" (not from "your child" but rather from "play dates") "for a while." If you can, I'd let her know what aspects of your son's behavior bother him - honestly, if any child acted that way, he'd be bothered, right? So that can be part of the solution. And let's be honest, if it's not working for your kid, it might not be working for the other boy either - quiet kids can be a pain in the butt for more active kids.

My kid IS the wild child and his best friend is the calm, quiet one. They are a ridiculous pair, and yet they blend perfectly together - they've been friends since they were toddlers and beg to see each other. It doesn't have to be a bad blending, but if your child is rejecting the connection, then you need to honor it.

Kids grow up, they grow apart, they develop different interests, and they make new friends.

If kiddo calls to get together make excuses then when they call back go that time. If they've been apart for a while they will be okay. Then make excuses the next time and then see what you think.

Your son may be the only friend her child has. If this person is your friend find time to spend with her away from kid time. Go out to lunch, do some crafts together for a holiday, etc...