My son (3.5) bit a boy today at MOPS - the teacher says it drew blood! I am devastated. I do not want to leave MOPS, nor the weekly bible-studies, but these boys are in the same class b/c they're the same age (or close enough). I am in the middle of formulating an email to the mom to apologize.
So -- if your son was bit by another boy while at the nursery/preschool/MOPS, what would you like to hear? What do I tell this mom other than how sorry I am? I have already discussed with my son other ways to have handled the situation (he says Joe was sitting on him, and that's why he bit him). The teacher said he is welcome to come back. But Joe's mom is heavily inolved with the church group and MOPS that I don't want things to be awkward. I want her to feel like her son is safe while at childcare. Please advise.
Added: He woke up about an hour early today, so yes I think his being extremely tired did contribute to his biting. But I was thinking the same thing - about not making excuses to the other mom. He is very very verbal. He talks ALL the time. He definitely knows how to speak. But perhaps Joe kept pushing his buttons or not listening? He is not teething. I think he was tired and probably tried to say "stop" and when Joe didn't stop, he bit him. My guess only though.
Added: The teacher told me "Apparently your son says that Joe was sitting on him." The teacher does not know 100% what was going on. My son later said Joe bit him first, but then could not tell me where on his body he was bit. Then even more later he told me that no, Joe didn't bite him. But he's sticking to the 'sitting on me' story. I have NOT mentioned this in the letter so far (no excuses). Pertaining to that, I have written: "I do not know the circumstances leading up to the bite, and it doesn't really matter, just know that I am taking this seriously. He has never bitten anyone before. We have talked a lot today about non-physical ways to communicate with others ......."
Thanks in advance. I will add a "SWH" after the mom emails me back (if/when she does?)
jess
Last night, I sent an email (sorry to those who didn't like that idea. I could not get the knot out of my stomach till I sent her something!) Short, sweet, I'm sorry, I'm taking care of this, etc. And when my husband talked to my son about it, my son said that the other boy was "copying me" and my son didn't like that. So not sure if he bit him because Joe sat on him or because Joe copied him. Either way, not okay. Not sure about the teachers actively watching the kids. They are volunteers, and they are different ladies every time. (So talking to them next Wednesday and having them apologize to the mom for me won't work. It may be a different teacher on Wednesday). There are two teachers for about ten 3 yr olds. Perhaps one was helping a kid with the potty and another was tying a shoe? Who knows. I did VBS and there were three of us teachers with ten 2 yr olds and I barely stopped a girl from biting another kiddo. I had to yell across the room. (I startled everyone from yelling. Oops.) So eh, maybe the teacher was at fault. But in the end, my kid was the one who did the biting.
Got an email back from mom today! "Please don’t worry about the bite. It wasn’t even noticeable when we gave him a bath last night. He has gone through a biting stage as well. I have 2 boys and about to have my 3rd and it seems to be a stage that I’ve seen in both of my boys and many others around us. I think they are just learning to communicate their anger or frustration. " SO I am very pleased that she handled it well. I kind of expected her to be sweet with it, but I was not 100% sure. She is always smiles, always has said hi to me in passing and is just one of those overall lovely ladies. Thank you for your words of advice.
@ Dawn - Interesting answer. If my son bites again (We go next Wednesday) I have told him that we will no longer go to church. We don't go on Sundays, so he is used to going just once a month to MOPS, and now we'll start going once a week for bible-study. But if he bites a child again, I would pull him out. I just don't think he has a right to put other children in fear. And I do not see a kick or a push as big a deal as a bite that draws blood. But I am a new mom when it comes to this stage in my son's life. And Joe's mom kind of shared her wisdom with me on the topic, which was nice. So a push, no I wouldn't write a note to a mom. But if blood is drawn on purpose out of anger I just feel something needs to be said.
Biting happens. I don't see it as a big deal. My son was bitten, not the biter in daycare. I was honestly relieved - I think it would have been much harder to be the parent of a biter. A real paper note does seem nicer than an email.
I like that you are writing an email to the mom. I think just expressing that you are sorry, you are on top of the situation and are actively working with the teacher and your son on alternative behaviors.
You could let her know to let you know if she has any questions, but that kind of opens up the door for her to communicate directly with you.... and I'm not sure that's what you want.
I think just the I'm sorry would go a long way with me, so I think it's great that you are doing that.
it is really sweet that you are writing the email and i think you should. i think though, that you should keep it short and sweet. the less said the better, as you said, no excuses or prevaricating.
what i wanted to add, however, is that your son is 3 1/2, and apparently this is NOT normal behavior for him. i don't think you should fall all over yourself too much - he said another child was sitting on him. i assume it went farther than your son thought was "fun"...so in a way he was provoked. i wouldn't be TOO hard on him - or yourself. yes, it was wrong, and i am sure both you and the daycare people addressed it. but don't drag it out. he was upset and he handled it wrong. if the lady's little boy hadn't been sitting on him (and i can only imagine, but maybe, not letting him up?) then this may not have happened. good luck, and good job handing this.
Added after your SWH - Glad to hear that she was sweet to you ~
It is great that you have a choice in sending him. He will grow out of this - they all do.
Original:
Jess, as a mom whose sons were bitten plenty by other kids, but never bit another child, I will probably surprise you by answering your post.
Don't email the mother. If your son does this to her son again, and if you feel that you just MUST write to her, then write a HAND WRITTEN note. Not an email. And write the note a day or two later, after she has had a chance to cool off.
An email is just an invitation for her to blast you. You mean well, but just don't go there.
My son's best little friend as a 16 month old at daycare would bite when he was excited. My son was right there with him, so he was the usual target. I saw the family in a restaurant and walked up to them with my son, said hi to them and called their child by name, and told them who my son was. The mother looked like she might jump across the table at me when she realized who we were. She evidently expected me to let her have it for her son biting my child. I told her how good friends our little boys were and how much they loved their teacher. I waved goodbye to the little boy.
Now how strange does THAT seem! My son was the victim and she made it perfectly clear that she would have let me have it if I had brought up the biting.
I did not walk up to them to mention the biting. I was very understanding that children bite - there but for the grace of God go I - but I have NEVER forgotten her attitude. The thing is, you never know when someone will be graceful to you or make your extremely sorry that you said anything at all.
The circumstances of the biting are not up to you to figure out. They are up to the school. You need to go to the director and ask what their usual way of dealing with biting includes. They need to have a policy. Your child is not the first and won't be the last.
One of my daycares had a child who did this so badly that they got a rubber tube and pinned it on his shirt. They watched him like a hawk and when they saw him start to go for it, they called loudly to him, suprised him and told him to bite his tube. If he got to the child first, they plopped him in a time-out place, and fawned over the hurt child in front of him, giving lots of attention to the hurt child. No attention to him. No toys, no play. He had to SIT.
If I were you, I would ask the teacher to tell the mom how sorry you are. That way the mom will know that you care. But it is over the top to write an I'm sorry note for this because it probably is NOT an isolated incidence. What are you going to do when he bites again - another I'm sorry note? How about when he trips a kid or pushes him on the playground? Another I'm sorry note? Look, kids are kids and these things happen. Don't make the mom feel like she can lord over you on this.
And yes, remember, I'm the mom whose child got bit. I didn't have a biter. And I STILL feel this way.
Talk to your child about using his words. Say it to him "Use your words. No biting!"
Good luck,
Dawn
Not only did I participate in MOPS, I was also the MOPPETS co-coordinator in our group. How many people were supervising in that room? I ask because we had strict ratios of adults to children so that if a child sat on another child, it would not be something that would have gone unnoticed. If we had a child who was prone to biting or hitting or whatever, we might assign a person to be that child's special helper...And we did have a child who needed that. We were glad to do it because that child's Mom needed MOPS more than most... Our MOPPETS workers generally planned activities so that the opportunity for that kind of interaction was not given. Crafts, singing, games, story time, etc. and not a lot of time to run around and get in fights. I would not email or write to the mother of the child your child bit. I would first talk to the MOPPETS workers and coodinator to see what the plan was to make sure your son did not do that again. After I had that information, I would then tell the other child's mother that I had talked to the teachers and what would be done to make sure her child would not have to be bitten again. I would make your child apologize to that child and their mother, and hope that the other mother would find it in her to forgive us. Chances are she will, but if she doesn't, then you have done your best. Hugs and prayers to you!
My son has bit about 3 kids while he was in the YMCA kids gym and I never got a chance to talk to any of the parents about it. Though if you feel that it's important for the other mom to know go for it. Especially since it drew blood. I suggest talking to your son about biting and how it's not nice to do. My son was about 4ish when he bit the first child and I kept him out of the kids gym for a day to be able to see why he did and what I can do to help him not do it again. Your son isn't too young to know that biting hurts. By the time my son bit the 3rd child I ended up, please do not judge me, biting him at the same spot he did that child. After that day he never did it again even after a younger child bit my son on his shoulder. Hope that this works for you.
He is young, biting happens. Don't feel bad or awkward, but saying you are sorry and that you are working with him will be wonderful. Just be sure to watch him very closely when he's playing with others to hopefully prevent it from happening again. Now that he is known to bite, any childcare providers should be extra cautious in looking for biting patterns and preventing them, as well as disciplining him when it/if happens.
Dr. Sears has some great advice on dealing with biters:
http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/botherso...
The best thing to do is not make any excuses. You don't know why he did what he did, you can only speculate. Even though, he does have a reason, telling the other mom will make her feel like you are blaming him. Tell her what you told us. You are going to have several talks with him about this and make sure that the next time he goes he is rested and feels well, (just in case something like that contributed to his mood).
These things happen, not usually at 3.5 years old though. Be sure to remind him often to tell the teacher or yell loudly, "Get off of me" if the other child sits on him. The teacher should know the truth too so she/he can watch for that type of behavior.
Do not quit, tell her you're sorry. He is 3 1/2 and he made a mistake. Really not a big deal. Now it would be an issue if he was biting kids everyday, but really, the kids was sitting on him and didn't know what else to do, so he bit him. I would hope the mom would be understanding.
I think what you are doing is quite enough. If it was happening repeatedly, then it would be a different story, but sounds like it isn't an ongoing thing and you are addressing it. That is what is important. Let her know you care and that should be sufficient.
Well, my first thought is that the teacher should've been a lot more involved with what was going on. A 3yo sitting on another 3yo is not okay, and it doesn't sound like she is in control of/supervising the kids very well.
I would tell the other mom that you are going to work with the teacher and your son to help him moderate his behavior more.
However, if the teacher is not going a good job helping the kids use words and not actions to express feelings/needs, then it's likely other kids are going to get hurt (though not necessarily by your son).
I ran a daycare in the past. I had a few different boy at different times. Do bitting. A little younger than yours. They were not speaking. Couldnt communicate there feeling. Frustrated over something. Or just mad. It happens. It's normal behavior. it will pass. I would talk to both parents about it. It would be mean a lot if you did speak the parent. Just tell them how sorry you are about what your child had did. i would say I don't know what over came him. Had he done this before? If not explain he has never done this before. He may of been upset and didn't know how to express himself. I have spoken to him about it. how that behavior is not allowed. make him if speaking say he is sorry to the child and give a hand shake or hug. It would mean a lot to the parent that your a caring parent and feel sorry for what had happen. In childcare I have seen so many parents that really don't care if there child is being mean or not!! some do care.. But what if that was your child. I would want the parent to talk to me. It happens it a normal behavior. Sometimes kids do that when teething or just mad abotu somehting and don't know how to express themselves. I know when my son was younger he couldnt speak he would rip his diaper off and yell RRRRRRRRR.. it was funny at the time. But looking back poor baby he couldnt tell me what he wanted. Hope this helps
Just an apology to the parents is just about all you can do...no excuses. You have talked to your son about it...there is not much left that can be done.
