My son is 9 and is constantly arguing with my husband about everything! We can't have a single conversation in the house between the two of them where someone isn't yelling. I'm not sure if it's because of his age, or if it is deeper than that. My husband is the stepdad of my oldest. His bio dad isn't around and hasn't been for a long time. I'm not saying its always my son, because my husband seems a bit harder on my 9 yr old then the other 2. I don't know if that's because there is a fairly decent age gap between the oldest and the other 2. I'm just completely lost as to how to get my boys to get along. It makes it very difficult for me because I feel like I'm always having to choose between my husband and my son.
Things seem to be getting better in our household. I have talked to both the "boys" and let them know where I felt each of them was out of line. I am also taking some of the very helpful advice that you guys have left!!! Thank you for all the replies!!!
It takes two to argue. Why is a grown man arguing with a 9 year old. He needs to find a way to communicate with him better. Respect goes both ways here. Its seems neither one has any for the other.
First thing first...your husband is the ADULT. He should not be fighting with your son, period. He should be setting a positive example, regarding behavior. (arguing with a child, is far from positive.) It's extremely childish and will do nothing, for your son's respect of him. Second, it is absolutely wrong, for him to be purposefully harder, on your son. Is he trying to control your son? I'm guessing...at least, a little bit. Controlling, combative behavior toward a nine year old will absolutely cause explosions. Is your husband giving him a chance to explain? Does he assume the worst in him? Does he listen to him, or let him speak? If he's doing these things, that is inappropriate behavior from an adult. He needs an attitude adjustment and behavior adjustment, ASAP. When the adult acts like a child, there is only trouble to follow.
Yelling from your son, should never be tolerated. Privileges should be taken away and consequences followed through on. While it is not acceptable, for your son to yell...something tells me...the root of this, is your husband. Work on him also, BIG time, not just your son.
Why do you feel, that you have to choose? Is your husband making you feel this way? Are you just feeling guilty, because of the unstable environment? If your husband and son thinks you should find this behavior acceptable, then they should be out of luck. BOTH of their behavior, is out of line. Don't choose sides!! Neither are correct. They both need to be taught, that they can't behave like this. Your husband needs to grow up and your son needs to respect, that he can't yell at adults. However, he won't respect this, if he's being yelled at. A nine year old is old enough, that he won't want to hand out respect, to an adult who is giving him none. He may be a child, but he should also be shown respect.
When my daughter was almost 8, she went through a similar phase, where everything was an argument and she had a really bad attitude. There was yelling, stomping and door-slamming going on. It went on for almost a week, getting worse every day. Finally, I sat her down and pointed out that no one was happy with that environment, and this attitude wasn't normal for her, and I really wanted her to tell me what was going on. She immediately burst into tears. Turns out she was having a really hard time adjusting to a new school (she'd gotten lost trying to find the bathroom the first day, she hadn't made any friends yet and she missed her old school). I had no idea she was dealing with that stuff. We instituted a nightly "check-in" for her, where we tucked her in at night and sat with her and asked her how she was doing, how she felt during the day, if she was having a hard time with anything, etc. My husband and I both participated in check-in time. (Similar to your situation, my husband is her step-dad). There was a total turn-around, and everything was back to normal. Five years later, we don't call it "check-in" anymore, but we still set aside extra time before bed to just be together and talk if we need to, but most often we just read in bed for a while.
Sometimes when my husband and daughter have a disagreement about something and I feel like I have to choose a side, I'll joke with my daughter that she should give in because "someone needs to be the adult in the situation". My husband doesn't seem to mind being teased this way, and the humor seems to defuse things.
Finally, at least once a week, I make sure to do something with my daughter, just the two of us. Either we'll go to the library together, get some hot chocolate at a coffee shop, go shopping together, or just run errands without my husband. I think it's important to schedule one-on-one time with your son.
Good luck! :)
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huh...stay out of it-its their battle-sounds like their fighting to get your attention..once you quit feeding into it-it will surely stop-tell them both-you love them-but its between them to work out-everytime they start to fight-simply leave the room.tell them you will not feed into negative fighting anylonger.
Regular family meetings or councils.
You'll need to create new rules for your family.
You might want to read some books about clear communication first.
(How to Talk . . . How to Listen, et al.)
To the extent possible, you might want to discuss this w/DH first.
But clearly, you're the person who will have to set up the system,
and will need to create some structure within which to enforce the system.
Good luck!
no advice.. but I have the exact same thing at my house.. but my son is 3 and this is his biological father.. they are constantly bckiering.. I have been sitting back and observing this behavior for abotu a week to see what is going on..(it has been worse lately as my husband has been home 24-7 he is laid off) it goes like this.. my son says something silly that is normal for a 3 year old.. and my husband has to answer back.. thereby starting an arguement.... my very normal 3 year olds says I wont eat lunch. so I say fine.. and make him a plate... and in a minute he comes to the table and eats.. but hubby will start saying OH YES YOU WILL.... and then we have a screaming kid...
can you try to observe what is going on.. to see how these battles start and maybe talk to hubby without the kid around..??
They are both fighting for territory. Your son doesn't respect your husband and your husband isn't making it better by arguing with him. He should be an example and coach your son and begin to build trust so that your son can idolize him as step dad stepping in versus stepdad trying to replace his biological dad.
Either 1) your son resents that his other siblings have their biological father and he doesn't, so he is taking it out on his stepdad, or 2) your husband tends to yell a lot in general and it is rubbing off on your son. If it is #1, take your son to counseling and have him see his biological father more often (if he is alive). If it is #2, tell your husband to stop yelling so much!
