My Six Year Old Does a Lot of Blaming...

Dear M.:
If you think that 50-50 is a good idea, go for it. No comment here.

Yes, I have heard my share of 'it was your fault that...' from my son. Very similar cases. In your example, I would say 'No, I made you get your xyz, but I did not tell you how to do it and I did not ask you to hurt your abc.' Her reasoning is that without your 'order', she would have not been in that situation. That is actually pretty smart, because it is true. But you want to teach her responsibility for herself and for how she performs tasks. If you told her to cross the street, she would still have to make sure that no car is coming. That's the route I would go: Explain to her that she has a given objective, but her way of achieving it is largely up to her, and she needs to take responsibility for that.

If you want to be more explicit, tell her to stump her toe. She probably won't do it and look at you puzzled. Then tell her that if she won't even do it on purpose, how can it be your fault when she does it by accident?

Regards,
W.

Some children make excuses for everything. Just like some adults make excuses for everything. From the sounds of it, she may take after your husband. He really should never insult you in front of your daughter or anyone else. Remember, people who put others down are usually very insecure themselves. This probably isn't going to go away. I think many kids blame their mothers for everything. I have 3 boys. We are very close but my oldest (24) was an excuse maker and still is. I always tease him that everything that goes bad in his life is my fault. He knows the truth but will laugh because he would like to put it all on me.

M.,
I am new here, but saw your post. I too have a 6 year old, boy. He is also into this blaming business. I see it as something that needs to be taken care of ASAP. In life I know you have run into people that never take responsibility for the things that happen to them or that they cause. These are the children that never learned how to take responsibibility for their wrong doing, or they were never taught that things/accidents happen and they just have to deal with them. I also have a 4 year old that I see this beginning to grow in, because he is following in his older brother's footsteps. My husband and I are working with both of them and trying to teach them that they have to have some control over their own little world. Beginning with where their clothes are and other little things like that. My 6 year old wasn't allowed to go to computer class last week because he didn't bring his reader home and therefore had to finish his work in class while the other students went to computer. He was hurt, but thankfully his wonderful teacher suggested this and it is working. My opinion is to nip this in the bud right now. Or else you could have a little girl that blames her mom for her speeding ticket.

My husband and I have had to learn alot of things too, in our almost 16 years of marriage. One being to try not to be so negative and condescending in front of the kids. It is hard sometimes as I am a working mom as well and I have also have 3 teenage boys from Korea that live with us and go to school with my kids. So the worn down, tired and week feelings don't help when the house isn't in tip top shape, or something doesn't get done. But hey, marriage is a joint institution, your hubby as well as mine, can help out and clean too. You work and so does he. You work harder as a mom than he ever will.

Hope this helps. I am no expert, but sure live a busy life these days and organization and changes had to come about.

M., I think you are recognizing that part of the problem is that you are modeling blaming behavior for your daughter. Unfortunately the problems between you and your husband may not have a quick fix, but at least get him to agree to keep your disagreements private and his tongue civil. Since you're a single mother for long stints, hire a maid to clean things up before he comes in and when he's there. That should help save yourself some stress of trying to live up to his standards. Of course you can afford it - aren't you bringing in a paycheck?