My Six-year Old Son Is a Petty Boy

i gather that when he was younger you allowed this behavior?
i'm glad you're rethinking it!
first of all he must learn very firm boundaries around what he's allowed to do to other people. had that been my son he would have been summarily removed from the soccer field, no questions asked. can you imagine how the mom of the other kid felt at seeing her child menaced like that?
he does need to be allowed to express himself. fairness is an important thing for children to learn, so good for you for teaching your child about it. but the world has inherent imbalances and kids also have to learn to deal with this unshakeable fact with a degree of equanimity. they don't have to like it but they shouldn't come unglued over it.
start teaching him some coping techniques. let him express to you his anger and frustration over unfair events. reward him for both righting wrongs when he can do it calmly, and walking away when he can't.
and remove him inexorably from situations that he can't cope with.
khairete
S.

Hi A. :-)

We spend the first 18 years of our children's lives "teaching" them how to behave and get the best out of life. Perhaps your son has been in many situations where he has been expected "to apologize".. you know how THAT goes.. the ole.. "I'm sorry" with a smug face....and he may now be applying that to his own encounters with his world.

You might want to spend some time with him and play act with dolls or stuffed animals and create some situations where there is an apparent injustice and see how he reacts and ask him how he feels as well as listen to what he is truly saying and how he is actually putting it all together. You will gain insights as to what is driving this behavior.

When we have a sense of injustice, it is taken personally often and affects our own level of self esteem, so encourage him to express himself and create space for him to do this with you.

hugs,
A. R.N., Energy Medicine Practitioner

it is probably a combination of things. do you or dad have a short temper? does he see someone else reacting like this? has no one bothered to discipline him when he does act like this? in the soccer story, i would have removed him from the game right then. did you just let it go on and hope someone else would deal with it? it's common for small kids to be emotional and not know how to deal with their emotions - it is NOT okay. it's our job as the parents to teach them and guide them in the proper way to express themselves. how to have empathy for others. how to realize when they are hurting someone's feelings. either this kiddo hasn't had this guidance, or his role models aren't modelling it, OR he has some kind of chemical/medical issue that needs a doctor's attention. no this is not normal, and in my mind, not acceptable. personally just from the little you've said, it sounds like he has been indulged in this and it needs to stop NOW. place him in time out immediately as soon as this behavior starts, and time out doesn't end until he apologizes for acting rude and hurtful. every time. no anger involved. he chooses the act, he chooses the consequence. (i think perhaps marda is simply making a distinction between spanking as a discipline tool, and hitting a child in anger, in response to something they did. considering the anger issue this child is dealing with, it's not unreasonable to think someone has treated him this way.)

Well maybe he is going to grow up to be a cop!! I do think it is normal for his personality type. Some kids are just director/leader types. I would just talk to my son and tell him it wasn't his job to police the whole world and he should always ask himself who is in charge before he does something. Like my older son tries to direct his baby brother a lot. He is a strong willed dude. I always tell him he is nobody's daddy and when he has his own kids he can tell them what to do!! :D We make light of it unless he gets crazy, which does happen sometimes. In that case we ask "who's in charge here, is it you?" And we actually get him to identify who is in charge, us, a teacher, whoever. I don't think he will grow out of this, only learn how to identify when it is his job to say something and when it isn't. I think it is his basic personality, his father is a strong willed leader type man, he comes by it honestly. So I think in your case maybe teaching your son when it is appropriate to say something would be great. In the case you mentioned above I would probably say "Are you the coach? Are you the referree? No? Ok, then it isn't your job to teach that little boy the rules. Let the people in charge handle it, you can always tell the person in charge what happened." My son is three, and I do this with him and it helps him because he knows what to do in a situation like this, as he has a very strong sense of justice. I also always tell him the rules at our house are not the rules everywhere. He will tend to tell on kids who do things I don't allow. I just tell him that we are not their parents and it is not our job to correct them. So in my opinion the way he is is perfectly fine he just needs to learn how to act appropriately with the personality he has. :D

Quoting Steph: "At the very least, he has an over-developed sense of justice." I have a friend whose daughter (also 6) is very like this. She is argumentative and goes nuts if she thinks something is unfair. I think she'd make a great human rights lawyer:-) It's hard on a kid who doesn't understand about giving others a little leeway and understanding. HE is following the rules, right? So it's not fair that others don't. I don't see this as a punishable offense. I think you need to talk to him and coach him about forgiveness (assuming that you are modeling this yourself).

Keep in mind that little ones model their behavior after someone that they admire. Maybe someone who he likes and looks up has a tad of a self-rightious (spelling off sorry) way about them, and hence by modeling--- he too is portraying the same attitude. Yet if he keeps it up, he may isolate himself and be seen by peers as a bully. (I have seen this happen with too many little guys, thus your little guy is not the only one.)
The first thing I would do is point out to him that hitting/beating up another is WRONG!
Then continue the conversation offering different ways that he could have handled the situation:
i.e. Rather than worry about what the other kid(s) are doing in the game--all you can do is give and try your best, even if the other team cheats!

And then suggest that:

> Sometimes its best not to say or do anything at all, and let the other team/parent handle it.
> IF you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all, or
> Sometimes offering sweet honey and understanding is better than being sour vinegar.
OR Discuss his action of beating up the kid who stole the ball vs. talking with the kid after the game asking him why he stole that ball.

Remember that developing compassion for others in little ones is a positive step that will last for all their lives.