Hi T.,
I don't know if my answers are going to help or anything but here's what I think. Definitely think about what you are modeling for your child when you give her a "little swat on her behind." This may not seem like much to you since you are a) bigger, b) can judge that it did not hurt her but think about it from a child's perspective -> Parent just hit me. Therefore, I can hit too. The main effect that your swat created was a startle effect. You could create that SAME THING by simply taking both her hands and immobilizing her. Also, about the "Naughty Stool" I have always heard that time out should not be associated with being naughty but really a chance for a child to think about what they have been doing. If you ONLY lead them there when they are in trouble, they get the message that they ARE naughty children, and so, will continue to act naughty, especially if no other consequences are attached. If you use time out and phrase it as "I think you need a chance to catch your breath and think about what you just did to me" then they can think about it. You can tell them - I am going to come back to you in five minutes and I would like to hear what you are thinking and ways we can work to make this situation better for both of us."
Four is an age of reasoning. But also a time where children are having to learn to deal with their powerful emotions and hopefully verbalize more than physically.
One thing I learned from working at an all ages after-school is that "I" messages are very helpful to children. Teach them to say "I don't like it when you do __________." "I feel ______ when you say _____________."By modeling these things for them, you also are communicating how you are feeling without the emotional load that comes with tears, yelling, etc. Another book that I have been reading that has been helpful is called "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children - Your Guide to a Happier Family". It gave me some profound insight to new ways of phrasing old problems that keep re-occurring in the home.
Another thought is this - with Fibromyalgia and MS you have some severely physically debilitating at times symptoms. Her running around the table is evidence of excess energy. Is there any way you could enlist the help of your older son and husband to help her blow off some of that energy - either by taking her out into the yard to play a game of tag or ? ? ? I don't know what your finances are like but enlisting her in a sport of some sort could help teach her self-control also (gymnastics, taekwondo, ballet, soccer etc.) 4 years old is not too young to start learning self control.
Another thought if playing outside isn't an option - maybe she is bored out of her gourd and looking for something to do/attention from you - can you challenge her mentally with some puzzles/spelling bee/math problems/having her read a story aloud to you BEFORE she knocks your soda over on the coffee table?
If you need help in the kitchen, why enlist her in doing little things that make her feel important and useful like stirring the cookie batter or pouring in the chocolate chips etc.
Here's some advice I found on a website
http://www.volusia.k12.fl.us/psych/AngerMang.htm
WHAT CAN I DO AS A PARENT?
Before you can help your children deal with their anger, you must first explore your own feelings of anger and the way in which you deal with these feelings. Children learn from observing their parents. It is important that parents be aware that their method of dealing with anger is observed and will be imitated and learned by their children. Furthermore, understanding the typical developmental behaviors of children helps parents to know which behaviors are not typical and might need looking into. Here are some things to try:
Positive reinforcement: This is a very effective method for teaching children desired behaviors because children strive for attention. Focus on your child's good behaviors, instead of focusing on their bad behaviors. Reward your child often with a small treat or special attention for every short period of time that your child behaves appropriately. Be consistent because your child needs to clearly understand what is expected of him. If you need assistance creating a behavior plan, contact your school counselor or school psychologist.
Help children understand and express feelings: When voices and tantrums become louder and louder, tell the child that you will wait until they use a calm voice. You may also validate their anger while asking what you can do to help, such as "I see that you are angry, what can I do to help?" Children may not always get what they want, but you are teaching them that their feelings matter. You also teach them that there are more acceptable ways to achieve their desired goal or to obtain a desired object without anger.
Help children learn problem solving skills: Roleplaying different solutions and teaching problem solving techniques will also be beneficial to your child because you can demonstrate positive, non-violent ways to resolve conflict.
Parents can play a positive role by helping their children deal with anger. Parents who use positive approaches and modeling techniques will enable their children to grow emotionally strong and able to deal with the difficult situations they will face in the course of everyday life.
Some children inappropriately display anger because they have not yet learned more effective coping strategies. There are other children who may become violently angry or who may display hazardous behaviors that are dangerous to themselves and others. If there is an increase in your child's anger, determine whether any significant changes have occurred which might be upsetting your child. If your child is displaying severely violent or dangerous behaviors, it is strongly recommended that you seek additional assistance from a school psychologist or a pediatrician.
Source: Reprinted from Helping Children at Home and School (NASP, 1998). Article written by Beth Levy, NCSP, who is a school psychologist in the Bedford Schools in Mt. Kisco, NY.
