My little sister who had every type of pet as a child and was definitely a motherly-type married a man who decided two years ago that he doesn't want children (they've been together 10 years, he is 10 years older, she is almost 33). She announced it to the family as though they came to a mutual decision to remain childless, but it was so surprising to all of us given the fact of her childhood personality that we've pressed her and pressed her on it. She finally recently admitted to me that if her husband wanted them she would have them and shes been pushing me to move to her city so she can be a co-mother to my two baby boys. I could use the help, but we're not in a position to move. She also said that she is talking with her therapist and her husband about whether she wants a child or not so she can really know and not feel ambivalent. That is great, but her husband told her he would not have a baby just because she wanted one he would have to want one too and he doesn't. I feel so badly thinking that my loving, motherly sister will never experience the joy of having her own babies. Plus, when I visit I see her mothering her husband (who didn't have a motherly-type mom himself and suffers from periodic depression) and I feel angry at him for keeping her to himself. She is a Montessori preschool teacher as a profession, which would work great with having kids. Their "joint" excuse for not wanting kids is that they like to go on long hiking trips that wouldn't be possible with young children. He is very, very outdoorsy and has brought her a long on a lot of fun adventures when they were younger, but these days it is maybe two or three multi-day hikes a year. How can that compare with the life-long joy of having children? Can anyone tell me a way to not feel so angry at my brother in law? I call my sister and try to tell her about how wonderful it is to have babies but she just calls me a "baby pusher" and I can see that if she decides she wants them she is in the terrible position of having to reevaluate her marriage of 10 years, so she is probably telling herself that she doesn't. What can I do?
Thanks everyone for bringing me to my senses. I will stay out of this and lay off the baby pushing. I can see from your responses that I am being over-protective of my little sister and I need to back off. I think the underlying tension you are sensing is a general unhappiness with a few aspects of my brother in law, which is also none of my business because my sister does love him and they have made their marriage work despite some hard times. I need to realize that I can't control this and need to back off.
Don't worry about this. This is her life. Don't talk about babies to her anymore. She seems fine. If she gets upsets and needs to talk, just listen.
She will be fine.
What can you do? Nothing. It is her life, her and her husband's decision. I know a few people that are childless by choice and are quiet happy. Everyone is diffrent.
Why should you be angry? I think she should be angry with you. Knowing how she feels, you still call her and tell her how wonderful it is to have babies? Really? How is that even helpful? What can you do about this you ask? Absolutely nothing. Waste your energy on things you can control. This isn't one of those things.
If your sister says it's her decision as well, then stay out of it and respect it. If she really decides she wants kids, she'll have to find another man.
What can you do? Drop.it. Respect your sister's and her husband's decision and stop being a "baby pusher." Love that term, by the way. She doesn't need to give you any reason for not having children, it's not your business.
If you can't get past your anger, you should seek counseling as to why this is making you so angry. This is your sister's decision, not yours. She loves her husband and it sounds like he loves her too. I hope you can get past your anger and be supportive of what ever they decide.
"Their "joint" excuse for not wanting kids is that they like to go on long hiking trips that wouldn't be possible with young children."
ROFL... I'm sorry... but my family started OR (Outdoor Research)... and the SHEER number of infants and young children that get taken out on multiple week back country trips by parents is staggering. Simple as taking basic first aid courses (or a 3 month EMT course by those who really want to be prepared) and having a Sat. Phone in case of emergency, which you should have if you're back country anyway. So a one time fee of a couple hundred dollars for the sat phone, and about an extra 20lbs of gear. Done. Easy.
I don't see this as being their actual reason... just one that gets people who don't know any better off of their backs.
Which is sounds is what they want to have happen right now... getting people off their backs.
Are you sincerely asking how YOU can stop feeling angry on your sister's behalf? I guess the place to start is to consider how intrusive your sister is telling you your ideas are. She has every right to weigh the priorities in her own life and make her own decision, just as you have in your life.
I almost chose not to have children (I finally did have one daughter) for very good reasons: emotional, financial, physical, practical. While I have taken great delight in raising one child, many well-meaning women over the years warned me that I would feel deep regret if I didn't have more. Not so.
I know quite a few women who wouldn't have missed having multiple children for anything. And I currently know several happy, accomplished women in their later years who have never become mothers, and attest to having never missed parenthood. Isn't it wonderful that women get to choose motherhood now? My mom had four "mistakes," and her life-long resentment showed in her passive-agressive behavior toward her daughters. This has seriously messed up two of my sisters, and I'm not excessively fond of my mother myself. I know she did the best she could, but she would have done better with no kids. (And yes, that means I wouldn't be here today. What would be wrong with that?)
The simple truth is, whether your sis and BIL choose to have babies is their business, not yours. Here's a question to consider (and I set this out gently, not with any intention to hurt): If you are so upset about their chosen path, do you have some deeper issue driving all that anger? For example, could you carry an unacceptable, suppressed envy of your sister's relative freedom as a non-parent?
It sounds like she gets all the "kid-hit" she wants in her work, and who knows that she doesn't serve them better for not being frazzled by caring for her own babies?
I was in the exact same position as your sister. My DH is 15 years older, and whenever the subject of kids came up, he would always just say, "Later. Let's spend some time with each other first..." I finished college, and he still wasn't ready, I got a good job, and he still wasn't ready. Nine years later, when I was 30, I told him it was now or never. Why were we still waiting? He finally said he'd actually never wanted children, but was afraid if he told me so, I would have left him ages ago. I was extremely angry and spent several months talking it out with counselors and a nun at our local church. I also approached him again and tried to get down to the reason behind his unwillingness to have children. It took a while, but he finally admitted that because his father had been abusive to him and his brother (which I already knew), he was convinced he would be just like him--mostly because he grew up with friends and relatives telling him how much like his father he was! I pointed out that he'd never been even close to being abusive to me, and options for preventing following in his father's footsteps. Meanwhile, my family was practically forming a mob to come get DH and burn him at the stake for "denying me my right to have children." I got phone calls from my older sister weekly telling me what a bastard DH is, and how I deserve better, and how I'd make such a perfect mom, etc, etc. It broke my heart because she was just rubbing salt in the wound. Despite my anger toward DH, I still loved him with all my heart, and I was trying to work through my feelings about the situation. I wondered why I had let DH put off a family for so long. Did I really want children myself, or did I let him put off a family because I secretly was on the fence myself? Hearing about what I was missing didn't help any, and hearing what a jerk my husband was just made me defensive. It took months and months of soul-searching, but I finally decided I did want a child. And it took months of really hard communication, but DH finally said he wanted me to stay in his life and he wanted me to be happy, and if that meant a family, then he was on board. It wasn't exactly the ringing endorsement of parenthood I had hoped for, and we talked about REALLY being involved versus just going along with it. After all, I didn't want to be one of those "married single moms," who has a baby and ends up being the sole caretaker and doing everything. I wanted us to be a team. He assured me he was going to throw himself into parenthood full force--which, to tell the truth, is how he approaches everything. Fast forward to today, and we have a beautiful 3yo daughter, who is completely and utterly Daddy's little girl. DH wasn't exactly Mr. Helpful when she was in an infant, but I was OK with that because I knew he had no experience with babies and it can be nerve-wracking for men. But when she started getting mobile and more playful, he completely took over. He even does her hair, and I try not to laugh out loud at all the crooked ponytails hanging off the side of her head!
So, it could very well work out. It might take some time--a lot of time--but a family might just be in her future. And don't let her age even be an issue. Yes, it's harder to conceive as you get older, but it's not impossible. Your sister should try to assess for herself her true feelings on the matter, and then try to discuss his true reasons. Is he afraid of the relationship changing? Losing her? Being a bad father? The expense? If she finds that out, she'll have more insight into his side and have a starting point for communication. But most of all, do NOT badmouth her husband, and do not talk up how great families are...It's hard, but hang in there!!! Good luck!
Let this one go. Your sister has to do what works for her. Besides, at 33 she is reaching an age that it may become difficult for her to concieve. If she really wants children, she will have to find a new husband. If this man doesn't want children, she shouldn't have children with him. If she divorces and remarries, she still may not get pregnant which will leave her to decide if she wants to adopt.
Teaching has many of the rewards and headaches of parenting, but the bonus of having the children go home at the end of the day. She probably makes more of an impact on those children than their own parents do.
This really is none of your business. It may be sad to know you won't be an aunt. But, you can't be mad at him for not wanting kids. If she wanted them bad enough she would leave him for a man that did also. She must want him more than kids.
Hi R.!
I am with the rest of the group on this one! Be there for your sister, love her, and support her, but you can't change his mind. I don't think you will have any more success getting your BIL to change his mind than I had getting my SIL to change her's about having a child when we could all see that their marriage was failing - (now they have a 1 year old and a divorce in progress.)
On the other side of this, my older sister waited patiently for 12 years and then (at 37) decided it was time to get crackin' but her husband was no longer wanting kids....so she got a dog. A small, super cool, always goes everywhere with them, a bit high maintenance, dog. My BIL was not thrilled initially, but totally fell in love with the dog and is obsessed with taking her everywhere (including hiking) and being the perfect dog father. Now (at 39) after trying for a year, they are pregnant and he was more than willing!....just a thought ;)
Find harmony in your relationship and help your sister find harmony in her life and she will know what to do.
Good luck!
D.
If I were in your shoes (and I do have a dear friend who married a man who did not want kids, which surprised me, since she, too, would be an awesome mother) I would keep my opinions to myself and respect her decision and respect her decision to respect her husband's decision. This really has nothing to do with you. I'm hoping this isn't making you question your own decision TO have kids. Sometimes that happens, also.
I think that you need to stay out of it - it is not your business, It is HER business and HIS business!!
It's not a good idea to push someone to have kids if they don't want any. It would not be fair to the kid or the spuse that said they didn't want children. I don't think you should be mad at your BIL, because he apparently knows he wouldn't be a good father because his outdoors time is more important. Don't push someone to have kids if they truly don't want any.
You know...I love a lovely woman who always wanted kids. Her first marriage was a disaster so no babies there.
Then, quite a few years later, she married a hottie and she's several years older that him. They talked about kids and she was actually the one who decided not to have one. The travel a lot, she is involved with many little kids in 4-H, she basically has her nephew all the time because his parents are divorced and his mom has m.s.
They have cattle and horses and sheep and she decided she is fine with not having a child of her own.
My daughter's friend married a man older than her who has children from a previous marriage, and because I've known her since she was so young, it kind of bummed me out, but she has decided not to have any children of her own. She is surrounded by kids that she loves and has her pets. She's 30 years old and this is a decision she made a long time ago.
My aunt and uncle were married for 60 years and never had children because she couldn't. So, they were the loves of each other's lives. It was really hard on her when her husband passed away, but she has my son to dote on.
Some people don't have children by choice and it may well indeed be your sister's choice. They still have time to do the outdoorsy thing and change their mind in a few years. You never know.
But, for now, I think you'll just have to let her work out her marriage and the baby thing on her own.
Your sister is a teacher so she gets the beauty of interacting with kids. That may be enough for her. You just don't know.
Time will tell. She will figure it out and you will still love her just the same.
Best wishes.
It sounds like the husband has changed his mind about babies. A lot of couples that are together for a while without kids begin to rethink the baby option. Unfortunately her clock is ticking. We had a friend in a similar situation, she was with the husband for over 10 years and then he decided No on the babies. Well, they had an surprise baby a couple years later and she is now thrilled and he still has the same feeling about kids, doesn't want to be tied down. And I think it all worked out, she has the baby, the baby is now 3 years old and my girlfriend would like to have another! So, the husband has not changed his view, loves the daughter. But I think it is very selfish to say Oh I want kids and then wait, and then later one person changes their mind. So, what does the one spouse do that wants children? Give up the joy of children and possibly the relationship doesn't work anyway. I do think your sister is guarded on this issue now.
I do believe there are many happy couples that never have kids. Do you think they are having fertility issues?
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. This is between your sister and her husband. It is only her who can decided whether or not she wants kids and if she does, then she needs to change her situtation... by divorcing her husband and finding one who wants kids.
HI R.,
Your sister has to make up her own mind. A great book you might give her as a gift is 'You Can Heal Your Body' by Louise Hay. It really helps people discover their inner person. Get past the shoulds that everyone puts on us from birth. And, someday, if she doesn't face herself, she may find herself ill, because emotional issues manifest physically (in my opinion - and I've worked with many people where that's true). This book can give her the freedom to be herself, make her decisions on her own. I can't imagine not having my daughter, but some people actually turn that energy into helping others (of course, her husband seems to be enjoying that and perhaps that's something he's afraid of losing?). Just support her.
Blessings,
B.
It sounds to me like your sister's husband doesn't want children because then he wouldn't be the center of attention. Just the fact that your sister mothers him is kind of a clue right there. I doubt that there is anything she can do or say that's going to change his mind. It's definately his lack of mothering as a child that has really left him a child emotionally. I'm really sorry to say this but I think your sister already has a child, her husband. I wish her luck and hope she can live with this situation and be happy in her life. Being a Montessori teacher may be some consolation and her little students will certainly benefit from her obvious love of children
One thing I want to caution you about - I agree that their decision is for them to make. However, I am concerned about her pushing you to move to her city so she can co-mother your 2 boys. That sounds like a potential problem that I would avoid, if I were you. Yes, having her involved in your boys' lives is a good thing, but co-mother? Sounds like she can be a "pusher" too.
