My Resentment Is Wreaking Havoc

Hey L.. It sounds like you're going through a rough time. Have you heard of Ekhart Tolle's new book, A New Earth? Oprah is promoting with a video interview once a week. They're up to chapter 6, so you can go to her website and see all the videos up to that point.

It discusses what I teach in my practice, so I highly recommend it... definitely makes you think differently and helps put things in perspective.

All the best,

~L.
www.notaboutfood.com
www.accesspilates.com

Hi L.
First, let me say that by expressing your thoughts and feeling here on a forum may have been the first step for you to let some of the pressure and resentment out. How did it feel to you after you wrote this here?

You mention that you are "a writer and therefore can be very cunning with my words". I have personally used journally as part of my healing process in my most difficult moments when my words where too "harsh" to share with others. This may be an outlet for you although not everyone enjoys writing.

I also saw that you became a mother and wife at a young age. I sense that you did not take much time for yourself as an individual. This is very important because if you are not happy with who you are as a person, it is very difficult to be happy with others. I have taken several "retreats" where I went a spent a few days by myself, focusing on what I tryly wanted for myself and my family. I cried, laughed, screamed, danced, punched. In short, I let out the frustrations and pinned up emotions that I felt I could not express to others. It "cleared the space" for more positive thoughts. It gave a space for higher thoughts to come in.

For more practical tools, may I suggest the book called "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis and here is her website http://www.divorcebusting.com/. I know you did not mention divorce but this is about ways to work your relationship to better communication.

Lastly, finding yourself a good group of friends is really important, other women with who you can talk with. Women need to talk and communicate. This is how they create intimacy. Men do it by doing things together.

If you wish to talk some more, don't hesitate to email me. I hope that this will have been useful and helpful to you. Good luck.

C. C.
Life Coach

Dearest L. ~

In your "little about me" section you say you are seeking your "own" path. That is a very telling statement. Perhaps you feel your life is totally about your relationship. Well, that's what marriage is. Two paths become one. That's what makes a strong marriage, when two become one. That's not to say that we are not individuals, with different interests, hobbies, thoughts, feelings, etc... - but that we include each other in our lives, we share our thoughts and feelings with each other, we make decisions about our life together as a couple. Two together are mightier than one alone.

Communication is the key. I know that we as women are generally more capable of expressing ourselves verbally. Men tend to show their emotions with action. Try to learn to be more accepting of his form of communication and try to temper your own in a more constructive manner. Counceling can be helpful, but just the simple act of you two working together to better your relationship can help discover lost intimacy. Be kind and patient when speaking with him. A sharp tongue will only tune him out. You might think he doesn't understand your emotions, but he probably does. He just might not like the way you comunnicate them.

Ultimately, we are responsible for our OWN happiness. If you're resentful towards your husband because you're not happy -that's a great burden to put on him. You need to look within yourself (or to God would be even better) to find peace. Things on this earth are never perfect. We need to see the blessings in what we have. I wish you peace and happiness.

~ K.

I know what resentments can do to someone. If you are truly wanting help have you thought about talking to a counselor I know mine does wonders for me. She is like talking to an old friend. I told my x husband and my new husband. My x used to beat me I can give over being hit and abused but words cut like a knife and they last a lot longer. You need to tell your husband 3 words" I am sorry". You know how much those 3 little words mean. They can take away so much. If you want true healing you need to learn not to say the things that hurt him the most. Tell him you need a place to call home for good not going back and forth. I have resentment issues my mother couldn't take care of me and gave me up for adoption to my birthfathers mother. When I was 14 years old I found out I was adopted and at the age of 18 I got pregnant with my first child they didn't want anyone knowing I was pregnant out of wedlock so they forced me to have an abortion. I then at the young age of 19 years old met up with a man who was 28 years older then me I got out of my house and got married with in one month I was pregnant gave birth to my son in Oct. off and on in my first marriage my x beat me my son walked in on his father hitting me I regret everyday that and now my so what called parents are fighting me for custody of my 9 year old son b/c of mistakes I made in my past. I have learned that if you live in resentment all your life you will never learn to enjoy the best things in life you have two wonderful children as I see on your profile and a very hardworking husband its hard to say please forgive me and I'm sorry.The one thing you now see is that you are not feeling bad about hurting him that is a start. I hope this helps take care.

L.,

Pick up a copy of Dr. L.'s book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" it really helps me to keep my marriage in perspective. It sounds like you are on the right path since you're able to admit that you're not being kind to your husband.

On a funnier note, here's what I do. When I feel frustrated I hold on to it until the next perfect stranger is a jerk to me and then I let THEM have it. It's a great way to blow off steam. I only do it to people who deserve it. Besides, they most likely just blow it off and I'm not hurting someone close to me that I love. It's a little crazy, but it works.

Wow...this sounds like someone I know .I have felt this way as well .My husband’s job requires us to move a lot .in the past 8 years we have moved three times ,just as I begin to make a life for myself its time to move again. The thing is you have to be honest with your feeling …….otherwise they will tear you up. It can be a difficult conversation sometimes; however the pros outweigh the cons

Counceling? Sounds like you know that your words hurt and you want to stop, but don't have the tools. Find a way to change your communication.

L.,
What is the source of the resentment? What are you blaming him for? Bitterness and unforgiveness is like swallowing poison. You say that he is ALL you have and he wants to and nearly does give you everything you want, so what is causing you to resent him? Are you missing or not receiving what is most important to you? I believe you and he should seek counseling. If you want your marriage to work, you must seek help before it is too late. Talk to your husband, pray for him and yourself. If you realize you are saying hurtful words, it is because you want him to hurt too. Begin to compliment him when a hurtful word comes to your mouth. It is difficult, but not impossible.

I am 29 years into a marriage that we thought would not last beyond 5 years. AND we are in love! So glad that I hung in there. Too much to write, but would be glad to share with you.

You never say what resentment you've been harboring. Is he too nice? Is he too accomidating? Works too much?
I've found that when I'm mad, just changing my tone of voice changes the whole delivery of the statement. Instead of 'snapping' out the words, if I slowly say them, trying to keep my tone and feelings in check, it makes a world of difference.
M.

I think you put it very nicely here. Tell him what you just wrote here.