My Own Downward-feeling Spiral

E.... i can totally understand where you are coming from. We moved here from California 3 weeks after my daughter was born. She is now 2 1/2. we have no family here and it was very difficult for me because my husband is like yours.... not social (well he is once he's forced to go out!). i make the babysitter arrangements and then tell him later.. i.e. "we're going to the movies at 5pm". as far as getting things done around the house, most of the time i have to do it myself. i have started to attack it like i would a job. my "job" is to run this household.

the biggest help of all is the mother's group i joined. all of our kids are the same age and we live fairly close to one another. we've been together for over a year and are closer than i could have imagined. our kids have bonded and so have we. it's the best support group i could have imagined. our kids play, and we have so much adult conversation that i feel alive again. we get to discuss our lives, our children, our fears, our joy. we meet at least 2x a week, if not more. try searching for a mom's group in your area. look for one that has consistent meetings, because that way you know they really make the effort to stay close. (meetup dot com is a good start).

btw, i miss california with a passion... but i am loving the "family" i have found here.

take care
L.

Oh E.,

I completely understand what you are going through. We moved to Cherokee county about 2 months before my daughter was born, after living in downtown atlanta for 5 years. I knew absolutely no one, although we are fortunate to have family live somewhat close, about an hour away. Once my daughter was born my loneliness only increase because I was on maternity leave. After only 4 weeks I was begging my boss to let me come back to work just so I could have some adult interaction. I, like you, need adult interaction, my husband sounds just like yours socially, he is terrified of social gatherings, except with his family. Even after I returned to work I still felt incredibly lonely because I knew no one in our neighborhood, or even reasonably close by. My husband gave me a membership to a gym for mother's day and I started meeting some other moms that way. I also went to story times at the library and bookstores on my way to work so I could meet other moms. I am in complete awe of SAHM, I know I would slowly go stir crazy being home all the time. Even, now that my second daughter is due in 7 weeks it has never even occured to me how I could work it out to stay home. I am a teacher, so I do gets lots of stay at home time with my daughter, but I am already planning how soon I can go work during the summer at my school's summer camp, pretty sad, huh? I just wanted to let you know you are not the only one who feels this way. I think adult human interaction is essential for everyone, especially SAHM. The number one recommendation I have heard from other moms is to join a MOMS club. Here is their website http://www.momsclub.org , I know that their is at least one in Canton. Some do ask for you to pay a small fee to join, but I know the one near myself would wave it for anyone in need. I hope you find an outlet soon to meet some friends. I know it can be very hard, as a child I went to 5 different elementary schools, not fun.
Good luck!
A.

E.,

I am so sorry that you are going through this...but you are not alone! My husband and I moved to Alpharetta last year with our now 19 month old son. My entire family is in the Seattle area, so I completely understand what you are going through. It is so difficult to be in a new place, not know anyone and to have the stress of motherhood on top of everything!! All I can say is that I understand and hope it gets better.

I have wanted to move back to Seattle for the past year, but know that I need to make the best of the situation (or at least try to). So, after living here for 6 months, my husband and I finally started going out on "date-night" every 1-2 months. Just having an adult conversation with him was great! I know that it is so hard to find babysitters, but try to go our once in a while if you can.

I wish I had more advice for you, but I am still trying to "get happy" as well. Please know that you are not alone!!!! Take care and good luck!

I am sorry that you are feeling so crappy. I have a couple of suggestions just for things here and there. First the paint, it drives us all crazy unless we are designers but oops paint at Sherwin Williams is 2 dollars a gallon. Second as far as the dating goes our preacher has said you need to date your spouse, one date night will cost less than marriage counseling. He is right. As far as the kids in the bed issue maybe sitting the oldest down and explaining it is mom and dads bed and start enforcing she stay in hers it will take a little bit. Probably not going to happen over night. It may even mean a little less sleep for a night or so. When she comes and gets in bed just take her back to hers and the same with your younger. As far as meeting new people that is always hard we go to Revolution church in the theater in Canton. Lots of people and many different types of people we welcome anyone new. We have what we call home teams that meet once a week and talk about what is going on in their lives and what the sermon was over. They usually bring dinner the kids are welcome. Once you make friends you can swap sitting so there is no expense for your date night. I wish you all the luck and again sorry this has been such a bad transition.

Hi E., I'm not sure what your religious background is but I would like to invite you to church! My husband and I started going to this particular church about 8 months ago and it has been the greatest thing for me and for us. I have met so many wonderful people who all have kids around the same age as mine (and yours) and we have playdates all the time during the week. We also trade off babysitting, so often we get free babysitting!

It has also brought my husband and I closer as we have gotten closer to God. I was going through some of the same feelings your talking about and I feel like my life has done a complete 180. We go to Wildwood Baptist Church on Wadegreen Rd., I'm not sure what city limits it's in, maybe Acworth. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that it sounds like that may help you like it did me and my family. We would love to see you there. If you want to contact me I would love to talk mor about it and invite you personally. My email address is ____@____.com.

M.

Yes E., you do need some help. You need to be proactive and tell hubby that he takes the 4 year old back to her own bed when she comes to get in yours. SHE IS 4. Have a conversation with her. I teach 4 year olds. I know that they understand boundaries. Most appreciate that knowledge and while they push it, most comply and don't cross the line. Set a date, show her the calendar, and tell her that is the time that she will not be able to sleep in your bed or Dad sleep in her bed anymore. It will give her something to work toward in her mind. THEN, STICK WITH THE PROGRAM. I am amazed when Moms tell me that they could not get so-n-so to do this or that. I stop them in the tracks and remind them WHO is the adult here. The child is 4 years old. What are you going to do with them at 12, 16, 20!! I also have 4 children of my own as well as being a preschool teacher for 20 years. I have seen it all. The one year old, if you want to continue nursing, needs to be nursed in their room or in another room of the house, besides your bedroom. It sounds like Grand Central Station at your house in that room at night.Set your life for a little peace. YOUR bedroom belongs to you and your husband. The children need to learn and respect this.
As for the painting...well, you have put up with that situation far longer than I would have. There is life outside of decorating your house. It is Spring in Atlanta! Get out there and enjoy it. Join a church, GO TO THE PARK, belong to a Bunko group or Book Club. You are giving so much of yourself now that your energy level is gone and your depression is taking over. PROACTIVE is the word here. Do something for you. best of luck.
Cathy in Woodstock

Ok E., you have to take one or maybe two things at a time to change them that are changeable like the rug situation from paint. For the time being could you find a pretty rug to go over it or call chem dry and see if they could get it out as where some steam cleaning can set it even more??? You have been a volcano that was building pressure and boom!!! it's ok you are human you've had a lot of change go on you've made a major move have small children there are many normal life changes that have happened and you don't have family around and are have a difficult time building a support network with your husband being one to want to work, be with his family and kinda stay to himself. Lots of life changes going on. For the one yr olds party maybe invite a few neighbors really for us at one yrs old we just had a party at home with our child ourselves and with all the changes a baby goes through it's nice to sit with your spouse and talk about the past yr from baby in arms to walking. Maybe next yr at two could be a better party with a few friends that you are going to make. Here's my idea check out some Mother's morning out programs in your area at some local churches some let you do drop off with out signing up for a few days a week. Check out your churches in your area about MOPS (mothers of pre schoolers) many churches have them. Mom's get together they sometimes have a speaker or a craft for moms to do and at the church they watch your child in a nursery near by and you usually have a snack, tea, coffee, juice and get some social time. It's another way to make friends. Once you make a few friends try a once a month outing with the moms or just one you have made friends with have you hubby watch the kids and you go once a month with another mom say to have coffee for a few hours or go to a nice lunch, just adult time no kids. After you start having some adult time with hubby he will either come around and try a date once a month him self or you will just have to move on and have adult talk with another mom maybe even tell him you'd rather it be him ...see what happens. As far as the car with paint I'm sure a body shop could get that out and it looks like you are gonna have to be like the rest of us SAHM and take the bull by the horns and do it yourself. The 4 yr old well at some point must start sleeping on their own just do what super nanny does take them by their hand lead them back to bed and say you need to sleep you your bed, next trip out child is just walked back...it works, look I love my kids and yes during a rain storm I will let my kids sleep with me and once in a while but 97% of the time I walk them back, i have 7 yr old who still does it he's an a student and really for everyones sleep it's best I need room and so does he and I don't want my childs feet in my back ( had enough of that in the womb). They will be fine and it won't scar them. I know about the wanting to be a couple again I have starved for it also the last time my husband and I had a date we grilled out steaks while the kids where with my niece for a few hours and it was june 2007 for 3 hours and we ate dinner with kids fighting. We didn't go out and my niece hasn't babysat since she's busy at 21 and we don't have a babysitter either which I am working on for this summer myself. The only person that can make some changes is you and weather your husband is on board or not well I'd let him know some changes that need to take place and just start them for you sanity. Oh, and I'd tell him you were just upset the other day and still love him but have to have some positive change that will help everyone and start the wheels of progress.

E.,
First let me say that you are not alone in anything you are feeling. I struggled after moving to IN 9 years ago, right after I got married. I nearly lost my friends back home- I would call very early in the morning as an attempt not to feel so lonely since my husband would go to work before 7:00am. He is a very serious man with a strong work ethic who gets to work before everyone else and stays until his last worker goes home. (he runs a tax dept. for a large co.) He, like your husband, doesn't like to socialize much as he says he is tired and would much rather rest on the couch or mow the lawn. When I moved to Georgia (I live in Johns Creek- formerly part of Alpharetta) I had a 3 month old and an 11 yr old. I joined my local MOMS Club chapter and made some great friends. I also lucked out- the woman next door is the same age and our daughters are 1 month apart. We have become great friends over the last 5 years. I also joined some service groups at church and got involved with Muscular Dystrophy Association- my 15 yr old son has Myotonic Dystrophy.
I too used to be very reactive but have mellowed out since moving here after realizing it doesnt' get me anywhere and makes my relationships strained. I have kept it in check with exercise- and *gulp* medication. I found out I have depression which was causing a lot of the anger.

Your best bet is to get involved with your children's school or activities/sports. If they aren't involved in anything sign them up for a dance class at your local parks department. As I previously mentioned- MOMS Club is a great way to meet other moms in your area- and the activities are centered around your kids so there is no need for a babysitter.

I am sorry you feel alone! I have been there!! I, like you, even threatened to go to a hotel with the kids. I never did but at least it got my husband to understand how desperate I was.

Good luck!
V.

Your situation does sound very sad. There really are no easy solutions and that is the toughest part. There are many play groups you could take part in that could possibly help. You might consider visiting some churches in your area. Mine is a great although it is in Kennesaw. If your idea of church includes visions of judgmental, legalistic, and self-righteous people, they do exist, but there are many wonderful, loving and accepting churches. If you can find one with home groups, that is a great way of connecting with other families. You might just find that you get a lot more out of it than some new friends. It really is worth a try!
Good luck!!!

I just signed up with mamasouce....I live in Acworth (off of Kellogg Creek/Hwy 92)and have been here a couple of years. Also no family here. Our families all live in South Dakota. I work and that is my only out, but shortly after starting to work found out we are having another baby. My husband just wants me to stay home after the baby is born, but I am not sure since at work is the only time that I have to be with other audlts other than my husband. I too totally over react....letting things build until I blow and nothing that comes out is really what I mean, but I say it. I talk and talked to my husand to let me put our first daughter (now 18th) into daycare. It is great, but to have a second one in the same daycare will take all of my pay check. We know a few people here and there, but our family structure is so different. It is a second marriage for both of us. He has three grown children and I have a 16yr daughter and 12yr son. They both live with us, then we have a 18mon. daughter and another daughter on the way. Which most people think we have build in babysitters and although they can be very helpful, it was our choice to start over and we have never asked to much of the older children. Just recently we have gone out for dinner (just the two of us), but my husband always is ready to rush home. He usually calls once during dinner to make sure everything is ok. We all love to be outside...love to camp and spend time at the lake. Other than that we are home bodies. When we are not able to be at the lake we work on the house/yard. We don't really watch TV...a movie here or there...at home....I don't really have advise I guess, but would love to meet other people...most couples I know go out and don't mind getting a babysitter and going home late. My husband isn't into that...He would rather have other people over, camp together, meet at the lake,....point being doing something that the kids can come with or be in sight.