My One Year Old Is Getting Very Stubborn!! Sleeping, Playing with Siblings, Etc.

Oh L.!!

I have 3 boys ages 12, 9, and 1 1/2 !! My baby is the same way!! He is not a cuddly type at all!! He doesn't like kisses and hugs! But he is also very mean. He bites throws things at people. My oldest boys arealways on the look out becaue if he has somethingin his hands at any moment he will throw it. It is hard. Some times I am at my whits end with him. My older boys were never like this at all. They love him they are always excited to see him after school, and he is just very mean. When he starts throwing things or being mean I just put him in his crip like a time out. I firmly say No, . And be nice. But hopefully soon he will "be nice" .

And he does the same in the nights! He will sleep for a bit but then wakes up in the middle of the night and he is loud! It is very very tiring. Me and my husband both work, so sometimes we just put him in out bed which is very uncomfortable.

I could go for pages about what to do with your girl - I have a two year old that has acted the same way since she was about 15 months old, and she is now two - and believe you me, she is the EPITOME of the terrible 2's (and she's my first, definitely makes me think twice about having a second baby). She is SUPER smart, but stubborn, angry, willful, independent, sassy, mean, but such a charmer and so incredibly cute when she's not giving me hell. But instead of going on and on about what works, I will tell you the book I read that changed everything (IM a special ed teacher and a child psychologist, but with all my background and knowledge, this book still was the thing that turned it all around!)

Its called "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr Harvey Karp. You can find it at any bookstore, and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you go out and get it. Read the book, start using the techniques and you will quickly see a change in your little one and yourself. The chaos will diminish and the happy calm will return. Im telling you, this could be that miracle book that helps mothers everywhere effectively deal with their toddlers. Nothing that he suggests is illogical or out there, but go into it with an open mind.

GOOD LUCK!!!!

HI L., The things that crossed my mind while reading your post were; Does your daughter talk or communicate with you? I was wondering if maybe she is struggling with communication?

I also wondered if maybe she has a sensory integration disorder or sensitivity? Some children are sentivie to simple things like tags on their clothes, the softness of their blankets, certain smells and some children even need extra pressure on there skin, hands & feet. She is still young and I don't know if she talks or not but you may want to look into some of these things.

She could just be frustrated and need to vent some sort of anger or feeling within. Perhaps you can work on simple words she can say to get across what her feelings are?

Sometimes activites such as playdough before bed (helps calm the nervous system) by squeezing, rolling and patting the soft dough. or massages? (though she may not like the touch?

Does she have a routine? Children can become confused and actually irratic if they do not know what to expect next. Also transitions from one thing to another can cause serious frustration for young children. You can use a timer to show how much time is left before the next thing comes. Let the kids know 'you have 5 more minutes' for example and set the timer for 5 minutes. THen @ 3 minutes, remind them, and again @ 1 minute. Eventually when she/they hear it go off they know it's time to move on.

I hope I haven't said anything offensive to you. These were the things I would have thought about if she was my own child. Let us know what helped and how it's going.

I would lthink that she is just looking for attention. See if you can send the other siblings to a babysitter for a couple of hours and just spend fun quality time w/ your 1 year old. It may help. Good luck. :)

L., I was just kind of shocked when I heard you say that taking your baby to bed with you would be wrong. I guess I was/am just oblivious to the judgements out there that people have. I have heard people say that about the family bed but I never paid it any attention...it is JUST an opinion. My daughter wakes up after a couple of hours in her crib and then comes to bed the rest of the night with me where she is content and sleeps peacefully. Many indigenous peoples throughout human evolution have all slept together in one bed and still do...imagine us telling them what they are doing is wrong! That it is wrong is such an American-individualistic-repressed and Puritan sounding judgement. I am NOT directing any of this at you but rather responding to the notion that having our children in our beds is "wrong". There is much research that says that this is natural, that these children grow up more secure, more immune to many diseases because of what it does to their entire systems to live in this more natural way rather than off in some isolated room across the hall. I just wish society would write less about birth and child-rearing and let women and families go more on their own instincts. If we just listen to our children and their needs (no that doesn't mean giving in to things we feel in our guts is wrong but just again listening to our human instinct) anyway, I think our children would be much more secure and less prone to crying. I just joined Mamasource and i think it is not for me because I would become frustrated with all of the theories and rigid ideas about childrearing. I really just wanted to connect with moms. Anyway, please know none of this is directed at you but rather what society has forced you to feel. If I were you I would take my crying baby in my arms and rub her little head til she falls asleep in your arms. She won't always want to be there and before you know it she'll be a mom and rubbing her little girl's head the way you rubbed her's :-) God Bless, K.
P.S. L....I just read the rest of your email (I stopped reading when you said that having your baby come to bed with you was "bad")....but I hadn't read the rest of what you said and didn't realize the other problems you are having and just wanted to say that I feel for all you are going through. Although I still think calming her at night by bringing her into bed could spill over into the whole day and improve your connection with her! All the best!

You sound like a great mom! My only suggestion would be to look into food allergies or intolerances. Doctors are not really up to speed on this yet and they will often tell you to allergy test and leave it at there but as you probably already know, there is much more to it. There are many differnet kinds of responses our bodies can have to foods and not all of them show on a simple blood or scratch test. Search the internet and read articles on "food intolerance and behavior" or I would especially try "gluten intolerance and behavior." Dairy is also a common trouble food for children and cause cause behavior problems as are soy, eggs, nuts and wheat (gluten is mainly is wheat but other grains as well). Good luck and keep up the good work. Your love for your children shows!

L.,

I am a mom of 4 kids, and really feel your pain. I know exactly what you are going thru. It is not going to last very long. my boys are big but my youngest are 2 daughters very close apart, one is 2 yrs and the other is 9 months. I thought they were the worst kids, and that maybe God has sent for us to punish us,or to take some sort of revenge from me and my husband.( I know that sounds foolish)
They don't sleep during the day, they are up 3 or 4 times at night and they scream, they are just stubborn. If i have people over they are dragging on my feet and on the kitchen floor. they will not let me talk on the phone. they scream when i watch T.V. One day me and my husband were sitting in the family room with both of them on the floor (since they refuse to sleep in their crib) screaming for no reason and the time was 3:30a.m. we both work and it is a nightmare to handle both of them they both fight pull each others hair, the 2 yr old pushes and woild not share anything with the baby, which makes the baby scream more.
I spoke to their Pediatrition and he advised me not to give them anything sweet at night or in the evening. he also said that a warm bath will help them to sleep and warm milk.
I t worked a bit but i am still going thru the same routine and only sleep for 3 or 4 hrs at night and then go to work like a zomby.
I hope some one out there has help for us.

My Name is R. C.

Hello L..
You don't say anything about the baby's siblings...are they older by much? Your story struck a chord with me...when we were children, my younger brother used to torture our baby brother while he was sleeping and it made my baby brother clingy and insecure. Your daughter's behavior could have something to do with that...although I hope it's not. Some kids are just more of a handful than others!!! And it's alright to let your daughter sleep in your bed, especially if it makes her feel safe and loved. Her demeanor will hopefully change with lots of love and patience. Good luck!
your pal,, L. S.

Hi L.!
Your story reminds me of my first child, a now wonderful and well adjusted five year old girl. She really struggled with a lot of acting out/negative behaviors from ages 2-4, but her disposition has always been intense and strong willed. One thing about my daughter that was similar to your descriptions is the sometimes angelic behavior coupled with a high intelligence. Over time what we discovered about our little one was that she is very smart and gets completely overwhelmed with emotions and input. We resorted to some play therapy with a family psychologist and also some art therapy at home. I included some other things below that we tried or that I wish we had tried in a list for you. Please feel free to take or leave any of this. As a mother of two and a social work grad student I have a lot of ideas!

A few thoughts:

1. You mentioned that she is the youngest. Does your daughter get any one on one time with you that is only about her and nothing else?

2. Have you talked to her doctor? (It could be a myriad of issues: allergies, iron deficiency, some underlying other health concern, etc. (Which you are probably aware of, as you mention studying nutrition.)

3. She is quite young, but perhaps talking with a counselor who specializes in children and child development could be helpful. Also, sometimes getting support for ourselves has a magical soothing effect on our kids. Your situation sounds stressful, and perhaps having a place where you can sort out your frustrations with a caring professional would be helpful for your own sanity.

4. Have you considered a parenting class? I don't mean to imply that you are a poor parent, but sometimes, especially with a child who is acting out, new tricks and the support of other parents can be extremely helpful.

I hope this was helpful! Take good care of yourself!

CB

Merry Meet L.,

First of all, my daughter is 3 and she still sleeps with us now and then. In fact, she slept on my chest every night until one year (I now pay the price with my chiropractor but I wouldn't cange the bond we have for anything). Now my husband and I take turns laying in her bed snuggling with her until she falls asleep.

The first thing that came to my mind was, is your daughter getting a regular routine every day, ie: wake-time, naps, playtime, eating, bedtime etc. Routine is the key to a happy baby. Also, is she getting enough one-on-one time with mommy. This doesn't mean she isn't, just that those are usually sure causes of tantrums and difficult times at bed times.

I read a book called "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantly. Awesome, awesome book. She also wrote the "No-Cry Discipline Solution". Also excellent. I recommend you look at those because it has some if-at-first-you-don't-succeed solutions.

Sorry I don't have actual answers but all children are different and parents are too. I hope you have relief soon.

J.

Hi L.,
My first thought is this...Is she getting enough food/bottles? She might need to be fed more often so that her blood sugar levels don't plummet. Also my daughter has to have several snacks throughout the day. Just a table spoons worth will do the trick. Next are her feeding and nap times consistant? That has helped my daughter emensely. A lot of parents give there child a bottle in bed but I never have. Instead I give her the binki which satisfies her sucking needs. My daughter can be a little bear too if these needs are not met for her. When its time for bed we start turning down the house lights,read a book to her and give her a bottle before bed. This way she doesn't wake up in the night hungry. I hope you find the right schedule for you and your little one. P.S. Its never too early for a timeout space or chair. Even if its just for a few seconds. Blessings~!

My heart goes out to you. My second child, a girl, was much like your daughter. Unless you've had a child like this it is difficult to imagine how stressful and troublesome living it is. The lack of sleep in grueling. I have found that sleeping, eating and good behavior are all tied together (even for us adults). When one is off it throws the others out of wack.

I firmly believe if you don't mind having your child in your bed, then, why not? You both need your sleep. She sounds very tired, her behaviors are that of an exhausted child. The more tired some children are the more hyped up, active and unreasonable they become.

When my child would thrash around and kick during her tantrums I would wrap a blank or my arms around her and hold her firmly sitting in a chair or lying on the bed, if it were bedtime, until she calmed down (it may take away). Young toddlers cannot be reasoned with.

Although she may lash out and bully, it is not personal. She does not regard your feelings when she is acting out. She wants what she wants and is going to do what she thinks will get her that, even if she is wrong. She loves you but will still try anything to have her way. I have five beautiful smart loving children who seem unscrupulous at times in attempts to get what they want. It just gets more sophisticated with age.

If you are going into nutrition you know how important a healthy diet is. My daughter is very sensitive to food. Any caffine, milk, or sugar (including refined wheat products) have a direct effect on behavior. Keeping a food diary for her might help.

I did, and do a lot of reading to help me parent the best I can. I found "Raising you Spirited Child" very helpful. I saw someone recommended "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" and I'm going to go get it. My two year old is following closly in her sister's steps. But having gone through it once, it's easier the second time.

One a positive note, my daughter is now eight and we have a great relationship. She is turning out well even with her fiery temper and iron will. Take care and I hope the responses gives you some hope and answers you need.

Hi, L.:

It sounds like you have your hands full! I don't have a great deal of advice to give you as I am a relatively new mom of an 18 month old, but I do want to ease your mind that co-sleeping with your young child, especially one who seems to very much need your attention, is in no way "bad". Co-sleeping with children from infancy through the toddler years has shown to give little ones the comfort they need throughout the night as well as help them develop into very independent people.

My husband and I co-sleep with our daughter, and have since her birth. Aside from the facts that I have never had to get out of bed to go to her during the night and my husband has had very peaceful nights because of the very limited crying, I have found that she sleeps very soundly snuggled up next to me or sprawled out between my husband, and me and she always wakes up with a smile (seriously...).

Also, if you are fearful that once she sleeps with you, she will never go back to her own bed, I think it depends on the child; however, I have read quite a bit of literature on the topic (as well as talked to some friends who have co-slept with their babes), and it seems that most children will want to sleep in their own beds as one way they establish some independence, which is usually around 2 years.

Anyhow, based on your description of what you're experiencing, I would say that it is likely that you and your daughter need some one-on-one bonding time, and co-sleeping (without fear or guilt) would be a great way to do that.

Good luck...

L.