My Mom Is CRAZY!

You didn't say how old she is, so I don't know if she's at a late menopause age (which can make you bonkers) or at an age where senility type issues can manifest. You want to find out if it's biological/psychological first, then deal with it.

If she's fine and just overstepping, then you'll have to deal with it. Do a mother/daughter lunch or something and work with her to build the relationship you want. She can't have what she lost the first time, and if she doesn't want to lose the opportunity for a relationship now, hopefully she'll work with you to build a nice relationship now. Good luck!

To me, it sounds like your mom knows she's a lousy mom but wants to be a wonderful grandma. Unfortunately, she doesn' t know how.
On the "uh oh" and thanking the waitress for the compliment, no biggie. Let it slide. On the over stepping the boundaries with the kids behavior, and acting like a diva at the party, just hang on to your temper and talk to her.
"Mom, I know you love the kids and want to be part of their lives, but I am Mom here. I will do the disciplining. If I need your help, I hope you will be there when I ask". Refuse to take part in the drama. Just be cool and calm and don't let her draw you into saying or doing more than you want to.

Okay, I have a totally different situation, but I also have had a mother overstepping. My mom has been living with us for over a year (long story) and she always wants to step in my marriage and raising the kids. This is what I did...I sat her down (in a neutral territory) and just had a conversation that led to me gently unloading my frustration. I told her what was bothering me. I explained to her that I didn't want to let our relationship be ruined over petty little things, but that she needed to respect me and realize that I am the children's mother. I, also, let her know that she was not going to interfere in ANY manner in my marriage, that I am an adult and if I have a problem with something my husband does that I would take care of it in my way. My mom was a little offended at first, but things have improved . I hope this will help you, but it sounds like you need to do something soon! A talk would be better than to unleash anger onto her, but either way you need to prepare yourself for her reaction. Goodluck!

I've been having the same problem with my mother. I agree with you that they see their grand children as a way to re-deem themselves for all their past wrongs, but their grand children is NOT their children! I had to put my mother back in her place, but I did take the time to explain why and how I felt her behavior affected my children, and than I listed all the things that my kids did need her for and that they really did need her to play that role for them. Yes, her feelings was hurt, but I rather her feelings be hurt than confuse my children. There can only be ONE mother, your mother, like mine will just have to learn to deal with it, there is no "re-do" when it comes to this.

I would set up a date with my husband and have your mom come over to spend time with the girls while you two are out. Lots of pros here----date night for you and hubby, free babysitting, your mom gets to have the girls to herself, and you don't have to spend too much time with her. Sounds like she is trying hard, just doesn't always know what to do/how to act in certain situations. I would try to let it roll of my shoulders as much as possible.

I agree with Paula. I doubt you would even have noticed the Easter thing except that your mother had already made an impression on you for overstepping her bounds. I wouldn't wait for the next instance, but talk to her sometime when you're both happy and calm. Don't make a big deal out of it, either. What Paula said is great. You might even mention the special privilage that grandparents have - they get to do all the loving and spoiling without the burden of discipline! Lucky! Then, when she oversteps herself next time, just say, "Mom, we talked about this. Please leave the disciplining to me."

wow, what a difficult situation!
you will probably work it out for yourself in a myriad of ways, but i'd start with creating boundaries based on what's okay or not for your kids themselves (as opposed to just what makes YOU nut up<G>.) so, interfering with your daughter's fun on her 3rd birthday? no way. take your mom off to the side and tell her lovingly but firmly that she must sit on the other side of the table and leave your daughter alone. under no circumstances should she be disciplining your children when you are there. make that clear. very clear. like, she will have to leave or you will if she does it again. non-negotiable. but the other stuff you can roll your eyes at let go. no one is harmed by her taking credit for the kids' good behavior, or their cognitive leaps. that kind of thing you can grit your teeth over and kick a pillow later on.
but she has a proven history of negative influence and you do have to be on guard against it. love her, let her be part of your life (and how wonderful you are for allowing this under the circumstances!) but don't let her upset your kids. you can minimize the drama by having this conversation quietly, not when a situation is developing or has already developed. then if you see trouble a-brewin' you can catch her eye and say gently 'remember our conversation?' if she continues, gather your children and leave. but then get over it. next time you hear from her, be cheerful and loving, so she knows she has another chance to get it right.
it really does sound as if you have an overgrown child on your hands, but you are pretty dang amazing for deciding to keep the relationship and i hope she responds well.
good luck!
khairete
S.

I totally agree with Paula. My mom is very similar to yours. I create boundaries when needed, and I allow her lots of leeway to be in my sons life as long as it is not harmful. If you your children are raised well and grounded, they eventually start to figure people out. My son roles his eyes when it's time to talk to my mom, she still uses baby talk and he is 11. But he does love her, and treats her with respect. It took me a long time to to get on track with an appropriate relantionship with my mom. it is not easy sometimes, but she is my mom. And I know she did the best with what she could. it was pretty crappy growing up at best, but she is who she is.

I know it's very frustrating. But can you give her the benefit of the doubt sometimes? As for the compliment--she did have a part in the appearance of the kids. I don't think it was unusual for her to say "thanks." As for the "uh-oh", who cares? maybe she said it to the baby once or twice....you'll never know.
What concerns me is the way you deal with your mom and her past.."we've made our peace--sort of" You need to get to an Alanon meeting and learn how to deal with and establish boundaries with an addict--even if she is currently in recovery. These ties go deep into relationships and it will help you.
She may be trying too hard--to be a good mother, a good grandma, a good person. Did she have a good role model as a mother when she was younger?
Best of luck to your family!

Sounds to me like she is just trying too hard. She wants a relationship with your girls, and wants it so bad she doesn't realize how annoying it is. You may already do this, but maybe you can allow her some one-on-one time with the girls? This might help facilitate a stronger relationship between them so that she doesn't feel like she has to try so hard, and they can all enjoy the time they spend together. This will give you a nice break too. Hope this helps.

How about gently reminding her that *you* need a mom to support you, not your children?

I agree with what Dawn P. said. I think you may be over reacting a bit. Sure she's a little annoying, but I don't really see anything really bad she's doing here, other than just annoying you. At least your children have a grandma that wants to be in their lives. ...

Dear Shaun,

Your mother knows that she was not a hands on parent with you and in fact put herself, drinking and drugging before her family. No doubt she has her side of the story….the relationship between she and your father may have had elements that you are not aware of.

I suggest that you meet with your mom someplace where you can just have a heart to heart talk. Not a restaurant where she can pull her pouting thing….maybe a picnic or a walk (just the two of you). Let her know how you feel and what the ground rules will be when she is with you and your immediate family. If she can abide by your rules, then she can be a part of the family. If she can’t she won’t be included. If the latter becomes the case, I hope you will still stay in contact (one on one) and take her to lunch and shopping every now and then. You might even be able to get her into a 12 step program.

Having said this, I would not allow a child to yell at an adult, unless the child is in harm’s way. (i.e. inappropriate touching or being asked to get in a strangers car, etc.) While your mother has not gained the right to correct you, your child or animals, when your little one yelled at her, you should have corrected her (birthday or not)!

Blessings…..

First of all, she is the mother to you all. Second, at least she is showing you that she's trying her very best. For I, I obey my mother and she tells me right from wrong even with my children and am now 39. I could never repay my mom, I am happy and strong all because of her. My mom was not perfect but that didn't give me the right to disrespect her. I am now a grandma myself my mom is still telling me what to do and how to do it that's only because she cares. There is nothing in this world but your mother whether she's bad or good, she is still your mother and you yourself tend to treat her the same way you feel she treats your kids and you growing up. Careful, at least your children has a grandma to see some don't.

Give her a chance. She might just stop being too pushy and trying to squeeze in.

good luck!