My MIL Just Told My Son What?

I would talk to her instead of him. Tell her that you wish she would not bring color into her discussions with your kids. That is your job, not hers.

It's okay to say everyone loves him, but not everyone of each color loves him. I think she will get the picture.

I wouldn't discuss this with your son until he starts asking.

Dawn

count to ten. that is when your 4 year old son all forget this was even said.

Just go to bed and forget about the whole thing. Your son is probably too young to comprehend anything your MIL said, and he probably now thinks that she is crazy. I wouldn't bring it up with your son tomorrow unless he does. He has probably forgotten all about it.

As for you MIL, it is probably something that has been weighing on her mind for a long time. It has nothing to do with anything, but she was probably hurt by your son's comment that he didn't want to stay with her and decided that NOW would be a good time to bring up the subject.

I am Asian, and my husband is white. My 6 year old daughter still has a hard time wrapping her head around the whole multi-racial thing. I have explained the race thing to her many times, but she doesn't really understand it yet. It doesn't help that she looks completely Asian and people ask my husband where he adopted her. She keeps thinking that one day if Daddy learns to speak Chinese, he will become Chinese too!

Sorry your MIL had to go and open up that can of worms. She sounds a bit nutty to me.

Oh, Lord! This is exactly the type of thing my MIL would do. Make something where there's nothing--or something else entirely.

A few thoughts:
•He probably will have zero remembrance of this in the a.m.
•She probably needs to be told that the more color is "harped on" the bigger issue it becomes. And that you & your husband are not really trying to have this happen....at....age....4. Can your husband talk to her?
•Bring up the subject with your son the next time he mentions "tan" or "brown" and reinforce the fact that people come in all colors all over the world and right in his home, too. Use examples like "I would love you exactly the same if you were GREEN!"
•Rest assured that as your son gets older, he's going to call it as he sees it and you will very much enjoy HIS take on his grandma! LOL

I would let it go for now, unless your child brings it up on his own. I really think that your MIL did what she felt was appropriate, and based on things that SHE has been through in her life before. If you are in fact not making race an issue in your home, than your child being told that you are all different colors but ALL LOVE HIM shouldn't be a big problem anyway. I think it's wonderful that he has a well balanced mix of people in his life and has never asked before about this issue. Obviously you are doing a great job teaching him that it's not the color of your skin that makes you family or special, but the person inside and the love that you have for each other. I also think it's great that your hubby is willing to speak to his Mother about this. I would just ask him to go easy on her since she did it all with love, and very gently, and her intentions were nothing but loving. Best of luck to you all!

That was kind of awkward and unnecessary but, she meant well.

Your son probably won't think anything about it. I think you should let it go unless your son asks you about it. She didn't tell him anything he didn't already know.

I wouldn't bring it up with your son. And I wouldn't bring it up with your MIL right now. I'm not sure I'd even be angry with your MIL either, but you're totally entitled to feel how you feel.

I also identify as white. So here's the thing. You and I have the luxury our entire lives of not having our skin color matter. Our skin color doesn't affect us negatively in most ways. We're not used to having to defend ourselves or our lives based on color. Not everyone has lived that way. I've heard it referred to as "white privilege."

It's coloring your MIL's view, I'm sure, and maybe this is something she's been thinking about and saw this an a chance to gently talk to him about. I don't think she said anything offensive to him. She sounded quite reassuring, actually, and very loving. I honestly would let it go unless your son brings it up later or the situation escalates.

Sorry I am laughing at this. I am also hoping that tomorrow when you read this post you start laughing yourself.

It had nothing to do with the issue at hand but in that context her comments become really funny to me.

I would let it go because taking about it gives it importance. If it concerns him he will ask you.

I seems your MIL is seeing 'color' and it must concern her. She may feel herself like she is not loved as much in the family because of her color. It's a touchy situation at times and yet I'd let it go for now. Your son is not the one who will have questions yet most likely. Maybe talk to your MIL about how you don't think color has much at all, well nothing at all, to do with love. Your son has a lot to deal with down the road in this prejudiced world we live in, but not now at age 4. We have grandchildren that are 'mixed' and it breaks my heart to see some people make the color of such beautiful children an issue.

Let it blow over this time. Your son probably thinks she's nuts and won't remember it tomorrow. She's obviously carrying some discomfort about being part of a family where everyone doesn't have the same skin tone, so if it keeps coming up or she keeps harping on it, I would just tell her that you're really not concerned about it, and the kids know that both parents and their relatives (on both sides) love them. It has nothing to do with race and they will only feel that it does if someone puts it in their heads. She probably thought she was doing something grand. Hopefully she won't make a practice of it!

Let it go. He'll forget about it, and maybe she feels a little insecure and felt the need to mention it but if you guys generally get along well don't turn this into an issue. He is probably thinking 'duh' and just laugh about it.

Drop it with him for now; he is so young he might not even remember what she said, and if you reintroduce the subject it will only make it loom larger and seem more important to him right now, when you aren't really ready to go into it yet.

One positive: Your husband said he would talk to his M. about it. Too often here, the daughter-in-law posts that the husband won't deal with his own M. on sensitive subjects. You're fortunate your husband will do so and takes the responsibility for talking to her.

Please cut her some slack on this. Bear in mind: She heard her grandson, iin her mind, reject her; she may have life experiences in which she previously felt rejected because of her race, and she may immediately have transferred that experience to what she felt was happening with your son's innocent statement. She, like all of us, is the product of her experiences, and if she has had painful issues in the past with being rejected because of her race, her gut reaction likely would be to assume that race is the basis of this rejection too - yes, even from a young child. She did not mean to bring up a topic that you're not ready for yet. And instead of getting angry with your son for what he said, she spoke to him in terms of love -- even if she was wrong about what motivated his comment. If you otherwise have a fine relationship with her, please try to put aside your own anger and sensitivity about her "making distinctions" and let it go. And bear her own past and experiences in mind when giving her some slack.

I agree with Jo W. I'm not really laughing, because I can imagine how upsetting it is for you, and you don't want this to continue on in other circumstances...each time whatever, she mentions color. I get that.

But Jo is right. If your son has questions or something she said made him go "hmmm"... then he will ask. It's what kids do. And they are especially good at asking these things at bedtime when you tuck them in and everything is quiet and serene and they are feeling really relaxed and safe. If he even gives it another thought, he will ask you about it. But you probably shouldn't bring it up to him.

I would leave it alone and let it be. Honestly, he will ask if he has questions.

I wouldn't say anything about it. She is technically right, so nothing she said is going to actually hurt him. Who knows, maybe color came up when he was talking to her so she expounded on it. We are all causcasion in my family, but my brother is adopted so he is a different race/color. My son was about 3 or 4 when he noticed and asked about it. If your son asks, just keep it simple, that's all kids really want anyways. Your mil wasn't trying to do something wrong, although I admit it would annoy me as well.

I think you should drop this. Clearly what she said hit a nerve for you, but honestly nothing she said was untrue or hurtful in any way. The reality is that if ANYTHING is going to give you son a complex about skin color it would be AVOIDING talking about it (not saying that you do that). I get that you don't want to make it an issue of it, but honestly, no issue has been made accept the one you're making now.

FTR, I am biracial (white M., black dad).

It looks like this subject is a touchy one for you and you are overreacting a little. I understand you, with your MIL moving in, two children to care for, everyday little issues, you are probably tired and you may just blow this thing a little out of proportions. If you have a good relationship, overall, with your MIL, if you like her and think she's good to you and your family, let it go, I am sure it'll still be you or your husband to explain the subject to your child if needed. He probably has already forgotten about it.

Don't be too upset, because this will only be a big deal if you make it so. My daughter has noticed the difference in our skin color since she learned her colors (sometime soon after turning 2). I always just agreed with her that mommy's skin is brown and hers is white; everyone is different like tall/short, skinny/fat, brown/white and other colors too. I think she may have picked it up by her friends at school, who pointed out blonde/brunette, brown eyes/blue eyes, etc... That just became the window into cultural differences and tolerance of others' beliefs and so on. I hope you will be able to let go, so you can turn this into a bigger learning opportunity for your son. Good luck.

According to the author of the book "I'm Chocolate, Your Vanilla" (http://www.amazon.com/Im-Chocolate-Youre-Vanilla-Race-Con..., he's as confused by the conversation as you are. Let it go ... it's really not worth the anguish or hurt feelings. If he asks you about it, just try to explain it in 4-year-old appropriate language without dwelling on it too much. Simple and matter of fact ...

I totally get why you are upset. I would be on here asking the same thing. You have known it would be a big part of the way you parent your kids and how it will affect them. I'm sure you and your husband have had many conversations about it and when/how you would approach it (or waiting for appropriate moments or questions). Then, your MIL says whatever it is that she says (which you are getting second hand from her - not even sure what the context was exactly). Very unnerving and upsetting.

I would talk to your son tomorrow when it's appropriate (MIL not around and you have his attention) and ask about why he doesn't want grandma around. See if he says anything about race....if so, you have a conversation starter. If not, maybe you'll get to the root of his problems with grandma. Something I would want to know about even if to figure out it was just an excuse about bedtime or even because she doesn't let him watch his favorite shows. I'd want to know.

My guess is that MIL is insecure (especially hearing grandson say he doesn't want to stay with her) and was trying to patch her own issues. She needs to know that she crossed your boundaries and why. She may be staying there and pitching in with childcare, but she is not the parent.

Good luck mama. You will feel better tomorrow after some rest (and some well deserved time at the gym in the morning). :)

Just let it go. It probably didn't make a bit of sense to him. Yes, he sees that you are different colors, but there is no distinction in that for him. It's just like an Hispanic person married to a caucasion person - no big deal. My granddaughters are half black and when they talk about any type of skin color, they say daddy is brown because when she looks at him she sees brown, just like your son calls his daddy brown. But again, it's just a color to them - here is no racial distinction because they were brought up in a totally non-racist environment. My husband is Hawaiian and his skin is a bit darker brown that either of my granddaughters so we are a family of very mixed colors - no big deal! Racism is taught; if there are no racist lessons, there is no racism.

Just let it go. This is your MILs issue, not yours or your sons. Leave her to it.