My son has cerebral palsy. His left arm is much stronger than his right and because of weakness in his right arm and nerves in his brain not working as well, he doesn't use his right arm very much. My MIL is currently visiting, she was also here a few weeks ago for a couple days. Last time she was here she started referring to his right arm as "his bad arm". That really really bothered me. He does not have a "bad arm" - he has a strong arm and a not so strong arm that he is working on strengthening. In fact, for a year and a half I've been working in therapy with him to strengthen his arm, and he's made a lot of progress. I don't appreciate her saying he has a "bad arm" - it really hurts my feelings. There is nothing 'wrong' or 'bad' with his arm! Last time she was here when she started saying that I very politely and seriously told her that he does not have a bad arm - I explained to her what is going on with him and that I didn't like the term bad arm.
Now, she's back, and she's doing it again. She put his shirt on tonight and told me "I did the bad arm first". I have never told her to put one arm into the shirt before the other, because there is no reason to do that. She's taken it upon herself to make rules for how he needs to be dressed and to say over and over again that he has a bad arm. I think I might throw something at her head soon.
Thank you to the supportive comments. I don't usually get up in arms over things like this - being the parent of a special needs child, this comes with the territory. When a woman in my local mom group started spreading awful rumors about my son "missing half his brain", I didn't let it get to me. Is it hurtful? Sure. She's never experienced the utter devastation and heartbreak that comes and turns your life upside down when a group of doctors and nurses and therapists lead you into a private office to tell you your child may not live, and if he does, can expect to sit in a stroller for his entire life. I think I do pretty well, without taking "chill pills", having to deal with that for the last year and a half. With that, my skin has certainly toughened up. While I still can't understand why anyone would knowingly and willingly attack a child (even verbally), especially a special needs child, I can understand that some people simply have bad hearts and maybe can't help themselves. However, I draw the line with family. I try to look the other way when my MIL uses the word "retarded" to describe people, because it may not have been inappropriate in her day - heck, in her day they just shipped all the special children off to orphanages! No harm there. But, she is my mil and my sons grandmother and as a person who cares for our family and can see the pain we've gone through, and can see how well our son had done, I absolutely expect her to be more considerate of my wishes for her not to use certain phrases that I deem hurtful. It's not impossible for her to learn to leave those terms out of her vocabulary - she isn't senile.
And while I know that different generations have different ideas of what's acceptable and not acceptable, it comes back to her being able to understand my request, and her choice to respect that request or not.
As far as my husband... he very clearly lays down the law when it comes to his mom crossing lines. I haven't told him about this issue yet because I'm trying to spare her a chewing out. If she doesn't listen to me though, it would not be difficult to have my husband speak to her.
Thank you again for the understanding and support. A tiny awful part of me wishes every mother could be a special needs mother, so everyone could experience what I've experienced and be compassionate and understanding. The bigger better part of me wishes that pain on absolutely no one... and tries to be the better person when others tell me how to feel.
Maybe you could ask her to refer to his right arm and his left arm if she
needs to make refer his to arms for any reason. Hope things get better!
Trust me, when you get older you are going to have a bad eye, bad knee, bad shoulder, etc.
You might pull her aside and tell her that "psychologically speaking" we are not using the term "bad" arm because our hope is that one day his not so strong arm might be perfectly fine, please try not to call it "bad" in front of him because we don't want him growing up thinking part of his body is "bad".
I think you are overreacting to her term of "bad" tho. jmo
My step daughter is retarded. So when I say this to you, its coming from experience. Your mil is not used to being around him. And although you told her you didn't like her saying "bad arm", did you give her another term to use for it? In the big picture of things, this to me really isn't a big deal. it sounds like she is helpful (she's trying to help dress him) and she obviously likes to visit. I would say that if this is your MIL complaint, it really isn't a big one. figure out something else she can say when referring to his "bad arm" and tell her and simply remind her when she forgets. good luck.
I don't think your MIL meant anything by it.
By putting one arm in the shirt first, she was probably just trying to be gentle. Another thing is that many people who are older will say "bad arm" or "bad leg" when one gets garfed up, scraped up....broken. It's not to say that one arm or leg is better than the other or one is less adequate.
I'd bet money that she doesn't mean it that way. I think that to say she's making rules for how he needs to be dressed is a bit of a stretch.
Just my opinion.
You are very sensitive to this and you have every right to be. I just honestly don't think your MIL is trying to do something wrong or to upset you.
I wish you the best.
It sounds like your mother-in-law is stressing you out (and I don't blame you) but try to look at it from her perspective. She isn't sure how to handle his condition..."bad arm" doesn't mean anything so terrible...you just really need to explain to her that you don't want to refer to it that way.
Also, with the dressing thing...I don't think she was trying to make up rules for him, she was probably doing it the best and safest way she knew possible. In all my experience in nursing, when dressing people who have had strokes and are essentially paralyzed on one side, we dress the "bad" side first. It's more comfortable to ease that side on, and then stretch on the side that has more muscle. I'm sure she was just doing what she thought was best, and wanted your approval on how she was dressing him.
It sounds like maybe she is very unsure, and wants to do the right thing, but knows how you feel about her. I don't know. I understand your frustration, and it just sounds like the two of you need to have a serious talk. Encourage her to open up. Remember, this is also her grandchild...and she probably is a little overwhelmed, too.
I CANNOT believe someone is suggesting you THREATEN your MIL with not seeing your children for SIX MONTHS if she slips up and says "his bad arm"...yeesh!!! I'm sure it's just habit, not her being spiteful...I mean, is she or is she not loving, caring, and there trying to help you? Please don't attack this woman. If you want her to change, encourage her to change.
Your "tiny awful part" wishing every mother could have a special needs child to me, is much worse then your child's grandmother using a term to describe his disability.
I'm glad you want to "spare" your husband's mother a "chewing out", because it seems to me that she loves her grandson, her son and you, and her reference to his problem as his "bad arm" is purely how things were referred to in her era (as well as many others), versus what you deem as politically correct or what you want to hear.
No matter how much you would like it to be different, there IS something "wrong" with his arm and it's because he has cerebral palsy. Don't make an enemy of your husband's mother, she might turn out to be one of your son's greatest supporters.
Blessings....
I can sure understand your wish to have people recognize your son as good, and to talk about him in positive terms, especially when he can hear their comments.
And I hope you'll put on a different hat for a minute and try looking at this uncomfortable situation from another angle. Different people have more-developed and less-developed areas in their brains. There are areas for recognizing faces, names, words, sounds, smells, etc. Some of us have astounding verbal areas, or amazing mathematical areas, or motor skills that allow superior athletic abilities. But I'll bet ALL of us have "bad" areas in our brains, too. As in, not so "good" and serviceable as other areas. I have a terrible time recognizing faces and remembering names.
My thoughtful and kind husband (who actually writes for a living) uses at least a billion automatic phrases like "bad arm," and occasionally seriously shocks others or embarrasses himself. He mispronounces words and people's names, even after being corrected dozens of times. It seems to be a legitimate handicap. He apparently can't help it, and people who know him and love him accept that about him.
So, if it were my husband calling your son's arm "bad," would there be any purpose in your being hurt by it? No, and that would actually reveal that it is YOUR issue, not his. That makes it your responsibility to make peace with the fact that some people will not use the terms you find most positive for your son's condition. It also makes it your responsibility to teach your son not to be too easily offended or wounded by other people's choice of words (even if they choose those words deliberately). Why should he be hurt if he doesn't have to be?
Some of the greatest thinkers in human history have taught that offense lies not in what is said, but rather in how the listener thinks about it. Nobody can insult me if I refuse to be insulted. What freedom!
Even tho your son is less than perfect, your mil, his grandmother, still loves him. She comes to visit. She helps with dressing. She isn't asking him to do something or not do something that comes naturally to him. Can you still love your mil even tho she's unable to remember to not use the word bad without requiring that she stop using the word?
Bad is just a word. Apparently it has a negative connotation to you. To your mil, it may just mean that arm works less well than the other arm. It's a statement of condition and is not negative at all. You can choose how you feel about what she says.
Some grandmothers would be ostracizing a special needs child. I urge you to look at the positive aspects of your mil's involvement so that the negative one(s) take on less importance.
When my grandkids were infants I always dressed them saying "Let's put your right arm in the sleeve, let's put your left arm in now, right foot in shoe, left foot in shoe, etc...." All my grandkids knew left and right from a very early age. It's correct to call it what it is. Left side, right side, neither is good or bad, just like you said.
Sounds like you need a chill pill. I'm sorry that this bothers you. People have referred to trouble parts as bad and or bum for generations. I'm sure she isn't trying to hurt you. Maybe she would be offended if she knew you want to throw something at her head!
Okay, I think the problem isn't that she doesn't understand your explanation or what the issues are. I think the problem is that she needs for you to give her the proper terminology to use when she's trying to communicate something to you. So you need to think of an appropriate term to replace "bad arm" with. Otherwise you're leaving her floundering to come up with a replacement term on her own and she doesn't have a clue. It's like navigating a mine field. I have to go through situations like this with people who don't understand my own daughter's special needs situation and when someone uses an inappropriate term I immediately replace it with something that's acceptable to use in its place with a brief explanation why. So far it works like a charm.
Ok both Denise and SLM have valid points, but unlike SLM I don't think you need to take a chill pill. Maybe realize that she is from a completely different generation and that things were so different back then, and they called things how they were. Sure it's not a "bad arm" but in her eye it is.
As to Denise, yes I think you need to remind her that it isn't a bad arm. Take her in a backroom and tell her to stop calling it a bad arm, and that isn't how you dress him and there is no need for it.
Your mil is very inconsiderate! You already had this conversation with her and yet she apparently forgot?!?! I guess you will have to remind her "bad, forgetful brain" that she is not to refer to your son's arm as his "bad" arm. If that doesn't work I can understand why you would want to throw something at her. I wonder if she would be as quick to forget that:0)
Hugs to you!
You began to explain to your MIL that he does not have a bad arm, but in her mind he does.
So a suggested approach is to stop explaining your perfectly "normal" child, and simply say to your MIL "Mother in Law, when you call my son's arms the bad arm, it hurts my feelings and I wish you would stop".
Now if you tell her how you FEEL and that it HURTS your feelings, and she continues to do it, then she is intentionally trying to get under your skin and if that is the case, YOU dictate how you let her affect you.
You can choose to ignore her or put your foot down and request she not advise you on how to take care of your son, and keep her out of the picture all together!
Hope that helps.
ugh how frustrating for you!! First thing is you need you husband (her son) to let her know what she is and isn't supposed to do/say. The MIL often has no regard for the DIL's instructions. SO get your husband to speak with her pronto and have him let her know how this might negatively impact on your son. DO you have any educational literature on CP that you could have hubby share with his mother that addresses this or uses terminology you'd prefer? Even better if so, have him give her that while he's letting her know what the boundaries are in your house.
On another note - how long is she staying? No matter what the answer is - I'd still try the above, but If it's a relatively short time, maybe try not to let her get you too worked up about it (easier said then done).
You sound like an awesome Mom!
There is nothing wrong with saying "This is hard enough on me to see my son in this state but it makes it harder on me when your refer his right arm as the bad arm, so please be sensitive to my request & not say that anymore."
My heart goes out to you, stay strong.
Maybe you can explain it her in way that will enlist her help---explain that kids live up, or down, to the expectations, and that using certain phrases and words (bad arm, retarded, etc.) will only teach your son, whom she loves and wants the best for, to not try, or to view himself as less than a person--yes, he's little now, so it doesn't matter, but if, every time she visits, she uses these negative phrases 20 times, multiplied times X number of visits over the course of X years, he will start to believe the words and not believe in himself. It has been proven, many times, that if you refer to a child in negative terms, they will believe it and live "down" to the words. Then, if she says it again, just remind her, "no negative words, please."
I don't think it's out of line to ask friends and family who have close relationships with your son to support his progress and not refer to him as having a "bad arm". I may not always understand who wants what terminology (some people want to be Black and some African American and some are Handicapped and some are Differently Abled) but I respect people's "label preferences" when I know them.
I would remind MIL as often as necessary that your son has a strong arm and a not as strong arm and he is doing x to make it stronger. I think her behavior speaks to her own insecurity about her grandson's abilities. If DH needs to speak with her, then he should do so, but I don't think you're wrong to want MIL to back you up on the positive terms used in your home.
i'm sorry you're so hurt by this. you have a lot on your plate, and it would be nice if your MIL would stop aggravating you with this very little thing, since this very little thing is sticking so in your craw.
she is NOT 'attacking' him.
you are just over-sensitive about it. it's not your fault and you don't have to accede to it. if it's really really something that important to you, you have to stress it to her.
but she's not a bad person nor does she have a bad heart for using the word bad in a way you consider bad. seriously.
wanting to throw things at her, or wishing her to be a mother of a special needs child so she could be more empathetic, indicate a level of anger that's probably stemming from something else (probably your completely understandable pain over what your child endures). it's way out of proportion for what how this lady interacts with her doubtless very beloved grandson.
as for the word 'retarded', does she use it to describe retarded people? or as an insult? i dislike hearing it misused in a pejorative sense, but get annoyed when referring to a retarded person as retarded is weirdly taboo. words are rarely inherently insulting, whether it's 'bad' or 'retarded.' only if their intent is offensive should insult be taken.
khairete
S.
I literally LOL'ed when I read your last line!!
I think you need to remind her, yet again, that he doesn't have a bad arm. That's the type of thing your son doesn't need to hear. If she can't get it in her head, then I think she needs to be asked to leave. There are many things I think we (including myself!!) get irritated w/ our mom's over, but really should be overlooked. Calling his arm his "bad" arm right in front of him is one of those things that I don't think should be overlooked.
I totally understand and respect your feelings toward her comment, but it is a good time for you to thicken your skin. I know it is his Grandmother, but other people will make references that you don't like and sometimes it will hurt bad. You will both have to learn to swallow that and politely correct them and carry on.
I had been pigeon towed since birth, or walking age. I was teased for the shoes I had to wear from those who were closest to me. As well, as a late teen was teased by one of my very best friends. It hurt so bad I locked myself in the restroom until I could regain my control. To add to it, my own husband mimicked a walk like mine and I wanted to slap him. You will never have control over what others say about him.
Since a back surgery 2 months ago to allow more room for my nerve & muscle, my walk it nearly straight. It was never mentioned to the doctor that I even had the problem, but I was in such severe pain I had to have surgery. I am so amazed and pleased, I want to cry when I think about it. I am so happy to be pain free, but really I am happy I walk straight.
Best wishes.
I agree with the other moms, I would remind her "again" what is going on, and that instead of calling it bad she would be so nice if she could reinforce a good comment to his grand child ("Wow, you are doing great, this arm seems stronger, great job, etc). Explain her that this hurts your feelings and you "really" will like her to stop calling it "bad".
Hopefuly she will remember this time, it seems that she has a "bad memory" lol.
I think is easy for people to call bad some stuff and that is ok, I do it too, but if somebody in my family would tell me that it hurts their feelings I would stop, I would think that that person has their reasons, perhaps they were very scare at the begging, they are struggling to make it better, the child gets her self esteem hurt, who knows but the mother what is going on, so if they would ask me to not refer as it "bad" I would stop, not big deal.
Your MIL's continued "bad arm" comments are completely unacceptable, especially since you politely asked her to stop saying that! She deliberately chose to ignore your wishes, and there needs to be repercussions! Have your husband (not you, but your husband since she is his mother) tell her that if she refers to his arm as his "bad arm" ever again, she will not be allowed to come visit for 6 months. He also needs to tell her that in the future, she MUST have/show respect for you and listen to you when you tell her something. She cannot continue to get away with this, & it is up to your husband to talk to her and put a stop to this. Hopefully your husband supports you on this and will stand up to his mother! However, if he won't stand up to this mother and support you, your biggest problem will be with your husband - not with his mother. Good luck!
Just wanted to give you a virtual hug - << >>. You sound like a great mom.
God bless you and this precious child.
I'm hoping your MIL can develop a bit more of an empathy gene.
