Can I Get Your Suggestions? = Updated =-)

I haven't ever seen the show, either. So there are a few of us.

I don't know if you're old-fashioned or not. But you can make use of the term. I would say to this neighbor, "No, I haven't, and I'm not gonna. I'm kind of an old-fashioned girl." And I'd say it with a smile, but I wouldn't make excuses and I wouldn't feel bad about being different from the other women. If she asked me if I didn't like that term, I'd say, "Yes, I don't," but I wouldn't try to explain. I would learn a lot from her response. Whatever it was, I'd be as good a neighbor as I could be, but I might also look around the neighborhood for some other friends who don't make me feel uncomfortable.

Welcome! She probably just keeps bringing it up because it's the one thing you two (and her friends) have sort of 'bonded' over at her party. Just wait until her next get-together, where a new subject will come up, then that will be the next 'it' thing until you two get to know each other better. Fag Hag isn't derogatory, it's been around since Will & Grace...most gay people don't get offended by it...i know this because i have gay friends & they SO don't care. :)

Just tell her no, I don't think he would like it if I asked him that, and she'll probably drop it.

She's probably just trying to be funny, she just doesn't get that the joke isn't funny the 20th time around.

Oh, just tell her you don't like his shoes or his curtains, so being his hag isn't in the cards for you two ;)
She sounds like a hoot!

edited:
Fag isn't the same as the N word AT ALL. As long as you mean it as a term of endearment, I have never known a fag to be offended by it. I have a lot of gay friends, the fact that they have as sense of humor over terms like that says a lot about them, collectively.

A fag hag is a term a lot of woman use... it basically means a gay male's best girl friend... the so called gay male in question is usually treated just like one of the girls and usually refers to himself as that as well.

The friendship is a straight woman with a very open and feminine gay male, and is usually a very close, best friend type friendship, in which you share lots of secrets, go shopping together, talk about fashion and beauty and relationship advice... so just because your cousin is gay, wouldn't mean that you would have a fag hag relationship with him. Just tell her you and your cousin aren't that close and she'll probably drop it.

You can see more info about it here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fag_hag

Now of course, there a lot of dynamics here and many people could be offended by this, but as hard as it is to believe, to the people involved in this sort of relationship, it is typically a term of endearment, though some do prefer more socially acceptable terms.

Also, not all gay males fit into the 'fag hag' category either, it's just a friendship style, usually one based on silliness. Not all gay men are silly, clubbers and effeminate, just like they aren't all cross-dressers either, so for her to assume your cousin would even want a 'fag hag' buddy is weird and shows she doesn't fully understand the term. However, to use the word 'fag' alone would be derogatory indeed.

How do I know so much about this? Well, I'm a hair stylist as well, and had a very best effeminate gay male friend, who people referred to me as his fag hag, we went dancing together, shared secrets, swapped advice, he dressed me up and did my hair... actually, he called me that as well come to think of it! Sometimes, I kind of miss him.

ps. some women use terms like this to appear like they are in the know and take it as a joke... it sounds like these woman are doing that since their point of reference is Sex in the City. Kind of poser-ish if you ask me!

you could kinda blame it on your cousin. Like next time she ask you if you asked your cousin about being his fag hag just say "oh well I did mention it as a joke but he got pretty offended". Then say, "yeah he really doesn't like that term so I try not to say it around him." Just saying that might help her think about what she says and then she won't be asking you about it anymore.

Momma L nailed both the definition and common usage perfectly.

The term has been adopted by the GLBT community for QUITE some time (decades), and I use it on a regular basis in conversation... BUT... there are totally inappropriate ways and times. Sort of like how the word "Day-am!" (damn) can be used inappropriately or hurtfully.

My rule of thumb: if you're not comfy... don't use it.

Its not a big deal, its a joke and wouldnt find it offensive. Gay people also use the term. I wouldnt like it if she was saying the word fag around my kid, but you said shes not. I would just let it go.

A fag hag is when you are friends with a lot of gay people, and are very close to. They referred to Grace as this on Will and Grace. They confide in you, you confide in them. They help you pick our clothes, and style and pretty much anything. This term was around long before Sex and the City. Honestly, I would just say, I don't like the word "fag" used, and even though I am close with my cousin, it's not a priority to ask. Just laugh it off. To me it's no big deal, but thats because I have been called one before by many gay guys. LOL

The phrase embarrasses you, but she probably means it as a term of endearment. Next time she says it, just say, "Ugh, every time you say that I get so embarrassed" and laugh a little. And if she presses, asking, "But why?!" tell her, "It just does. Please, no more 'fag hag'."

As others have said, this problem is so no big deal. Don't accidentally turn it into one by overreacting OR keeping your mouth shut. Good luck!

I am an extremely liberal, not a prude, like dirty jokes, and not old fashioned in any way. I am offended when people use words that are crude in a derogatory way.

Even when these types of words are not used in the context of a insult, or used a person that is stereotypically part of that group it is still a word that carries a horrible origin and demeaning intention for many.

For someone to say that word is no big deal then they should read about the 3 young boys in just this month who commited sucide because of bullying because of being gay. Being called that certainly is a BIG DEAL to them and their families.

The parents of those bullies either used the word without care, or did not teach the importance of the weight that words can carry. If there is something that could hurt even a small percentage of people in such a monumental way I then I surely will strive to not do that thing.

I'm sure most people at some point in their life have been called a name or someone used some kind of adjective that hurt so bad and they still remember it. For another person that word may carry a different and totally nonexsistant meaning. They can randomly hear the word and think nothing of it. But becuse of your experience with the word just hearing it can bring you back to that place where you felt horrible, maybe even for just a moment. You are not going to tell the person around you how badly the word still hurts or how it brings back memories of that time. You will probably not avoid using the word either, you will play it off like there is nothing wrong so as to not appear vulnerable or go back to that place.

Bottom line when it comes to "iffy" slang words: If you can't say it front of everyone, you shouldn't say it in front of anyone.

When your neighbor brings it up again, just say, "Yeah, I'm probably not going to do that. I think using that term would hurt my cousin's feelings." And then, if she has an ounce of decorum, she will drop it.

Good luck!

The word fag-hag is no bid deal. I have friends who use the term to refer to themselves. I also have gay friend who use the term.

so I talked to my friend about this (he's gay) cuz I have never heard the term before (and I haven't watched sex in the city either). He said it is a fun term, and so not derogotory. I see how you feel and just don't want to say the term. Tell your friend when she asks next that you don't have that kind of relationship with your cousin where that term would be fitting.

Hello, The term this person is using is not only inapropriate it is also hurtful to some people. It is something like when people I know call people retarded and know that I have a little grandchild who has Down Syndrome. I would be so upset if when she is old enough to understand she would hear someone say that. She is a high achieving little girl.
It might be hard, but if you really want to stop her from saying this in front of you, you might have to tell her. You could just say that your wouldn't want to hurt your cousin by asking.
Good luck.
K. K.

Welcome to mamapedia!

A "fag hag" is a girl/woman who hangs out with gay men. Sex and the city uses some crazy terms, this one is not from that show per se, but maybe you could rent a few seasons or the first movie and see for yourself? It's a really funny, frank show about single, successful women. Maybe a tad flamboyant, expensive, and over the top, but hey, it's fiction! Or read the books, if you're not a tv watcher. You don't have to become a part of their group necessarily, but it might help to understand. Then just tell her you're much more of a Charlotte than a Samantha ;)

And I do have friends that I don't say fag in front of, or other non-pc terms, but for the most part it's all just fun and (grown up) games. Just let her know you like her and socializing, just aren't sure how you feel about that term.

And I thought I was the only person in America who hadn't seen a single episode of Sex and the City!!! Welcome to my little club!!! Personally, I have no idea what fag hag means ( and I see several different ideas in the responses!!) but it doesn't sound like something that I would use. I am older than most of you Momma's here...in fact I am a Grandma...but I just think fag is a good word to use. Maybe the gay community uses it themselves...but that doesn't mean we, who aren't part of that community should use it!!! The African American Community sometimes uses the "N" word but you had better believe that they would not appreciate it if a non-African American used it to refer to them!!!
The next time your neighbor asks if you have asked your cousin about the term...I would just politely ( and with a smile!!) say..."No..and I really don't know if I will be asking him".
Like someone else said....wait for the next get together and there will be some new topic of conversation...hopefully something you are more comfortable with.

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You could just say to your friend that you don't feel comfortable with that term. The essence of the saying is a woman who is friends with a gay man (like the two of you are "girlfriends"). And it depends on your circle of friends (gay or straight) if they would use that term comfortably.

I'm not particularly comfortable with slang (like I would never call one of my friends a bi-atch), but it depends on your gay friends. Good that she doesn't use it around kids--as a teen I once repeated an Eddie Murphy joke from the 80s, not understanding the full implication...very cruel and embarassing later.

Anyway, now you know what it means, so you don't have to ask your cousin. Probably the reason your new friend keeps bringing it up is she doesn't want you to think that she is a bigot, she wants you to know she's actually endeared to her gay friends.

Good luck. These conversations are difficult but necessary.

Next time she brings it up just say you're not going to ask your cousin because he would get offended. I think eventually she will stop bugging you. If you confronted her, things would get weird between you two and you don't want that since she's your neighbor.

Just tell her gently the next time she asks, "I really don't think that's appropriate." and change the subject. She will probably be very embarrassed and not mention anything like that again. If she pushes, then push back and be honest. Don't be rude, say it with a smile and a gentle tone of voice. That terminology is not acceptable by grown, mature adults. Much like cursing isn't acceptable, people do it, but it doesn't make it right or proper.

So...did you ever figure out what it meant? Please share, I have no idea what being someone's fag hag means or entails.

I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. Next time she asks if you asked your cousin, politely tell her "No, and I don't think I'm going to!"

Don't be shy. Just say, : Let's drop that subject". You aren't going to be
best friends with this lady anyway.

I would just tell her you aren't sure how your cousin would react, so you don't feel comfortable bringing it up with him. No point in making things awkward with her, since your kids play well and you seem to really like her otherwise.

I'm in Irvine too... maybe I will meet you (or your neighbor) someday!

K.
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