That's Enough

I know you've already posted a follow up, but I just thought I'd recommend an excellent book to you. It's John Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children. He talks a lot about chores and personal responsibility, and what he says is common sense (that isn't around so much any more). I totally understand your frustrations; I sometimes wonder where my boys come up with some of the nonsense they pull...

1. If you did not teach them, it is not about lack of sense it is lack of education.

2. In our house, the DIRTY clothes basket is a different color. The clean one is white. Everyone has a different clothes basket in their room - but only the clean one is white. Dirty clothes don't go in that one, even if it's empty. Clean clothes go in the white basket - no where else, even if they're empty.

It's almost idiot (and husband) proof.

3. I too am going back to school, in addition to working full time and being a full time mom to two, part time to two more. I don't want to sound like I have it all figured out - God knows, there are those weeks - but maybe it is time to cut back on extracurricular activities (PTA, one of the kids' sports), so that you can all get things straightened out at home with regard to expectations for everyone and a training schedule done.

I know exactly where you are coming from, girl! i have a five year old boy. i print out a chore chart from freebehaviorcharts.com and then put his 5 or 6 chores on the chart. he gets stickers daily if he does them (with some prompting from me.) if he doesn't do a chore that day...i put no. then at the end up the week i count up the stickers. he has to have so many to get the minimum reward. i don't give toys but field trips, games, extra reading time, etc.
his chores are: make up his bed (smooth sheet and pull comforter up), fill diaper bin, take out recycle bins, water plants (not always daily), go to bed at 8pm and staying in the bed. his job is to get rest and a chore.
good luck.

Something I have just started in our bathroom and will exppand upon one area at a time is using pictures to remind the kids (4 and 7) what I expect. Right now I have 5 pictures hanging in the bathroom - 3 are on one page hanging on the mirror, 2 are on another page over the toilet. (all are in page protectors to protect from spalshes and shower humidity). The first set iof pictures show how the sink bowl, left side of counter and right side of counter should look, with a list for each section of the thngs of note - tooothpaste, cup, washcloth, etc. neatly placed, sink rinsed, counter wiped. I put the first letter og each in bold since the just turned 5 year old is not a strong reader but can use the first sound to figure out which is which). The pics over the toilet show a closed toilet (so the dog won't drink out of it!) and a floor with no clothes on it and a flattened out bath mat. My 5 year old has trouble focusing and remembering what to do, but this has helped him SOOOO much and he proudly comes to tell me when he has followed the pictures. Next we will get bedrooms cleaned and take pictures of each area in the same way.

The colored laundry baskets are a great idea! At our house, we use hampers with lids for dirty laundry. On top of the lids are stuffed animals; the color of the stuffed animals indicates what goes inside. For example, a white and yellow stuffed animal is for whites and lights. (We use this system because the hampers are all blue.)

We also had color coded sippy cups when the kids were smaller. Red sippy cups held apple juice, blue sippy cups held water, and green sippy cups held milk. Color coding worked with our kids when they were as young as 1-1/2!

As for chores, my seven year old son is expected to clean up toys, rinse out the sink after brushing teeth, help make his bed, feed his hamster, assist in cleaning his hamster's cage, carry his dirty dishes to the sink, and help take garbage outside. Sometimes he assists with laundry by bringing me a hamper or folding towels. Sometimes he assists with grocery shopping by helping push and load the cart. And sometimes he helps clean the cats' litter boxes. Oh, and he BEGS to push the Swiffer Sweeper around the kitchen.

My three year old daughter clean up her toys, attempts to fold blankets and towels, pairs socks together for me to fold, gives the cats cat treats and the hamster carrots, and helps load groceries into the cart. Sometimes she tries to carry her dishes to the sink, but that can be disastrous at times.

Oh, and both kids at times help prepare meals and help set the table. In fact, my son LOVES to "cook," and my daughter likes to set the table unassisted.

When I was 8 years old, I had a chore list. These are some of the things I did at that age:

make bed, put away clothes, wash/dry and fold my laundry, vacuum, sweep, mop, dishes, make dinner, dust, clean windows, clean living rooms, clean bathrooms, feed dogs, walk dogs, pick up dog poop, weed the garden, help mulch the garden, plant flowers, take out the trash...

We did our daily "maintenece" chores and then every Saturday morning my mom had a long list, per room (my sister and I cleaned every room in the house, except for my parent's room and brother's room). On the Saturdays is when we did the extra cleaning like scrubbing toilets, mopping...

We simply had to do our chores. We got grounded (from everything/phone/tv/video games/playing outside/playing with friends...) if we didn't. We never really asked any questions or fought about it since we were raised to do them. We whined sometimes, but mostly when my parents were being unfair.

Your daughters are only 9 and 8 and they have to learn. How long have they had the chores? Does your son help in any way whatsoever or does he get out of doing chores because he is a boy? Do you children have a list of things to do that must be done and consequences for them not being done? Do you stick to the rules or let them slide?

You are the mother and perhaps you have taken on too much as you sound frazzled. The girls may sense that you are not paying them any attention because you are worried about your next test or homework assignment and not them. Stop and look at it through the eyes of a child.

In a few years they will be older and you will be able to go to school full time and get that degree. Good luck to you. The other S.

I had to laugh when I read they used the basket with the puked on towels in it! Write this one down in your journal. It is going to be funnier than all get out someday!

I had a pretty hefty chore list for the kids at that age. I could give you specifics, but others already have and they seemed good.

At close to that age, my son "rebelled" - he said, "Mom, I'd rather do my own laundry than do all this sorting!" So my kids started doing their own laundry while they were quite young. It really worked well for us. I taught them how to wash by color, how to treat for stains, etc. Granted, as a high schooler (then college student) he switched to all dark clothes and washes everything together. So, his white underwear and socks have a faint blue-ish tinge... LOL

Anytime something frustrating happens, see if you can write it down very quickly so you can remember it in the far distant future (to future grandkids or boyfriends, etc.)There's something funny about people making the wrong choice - that's why we laugh at slapstick humor.

A.

I would not be surprised. I have a 14 yr old and BY MY OWN FAULT, I have always done most everything around here.

Her job is to get dirty clothes to me, then she takes them back up to her room.

I have taken her laundry basket of dirty clothes and found freshly folded clothes I had sent up underneath the dirty ones.

Now I ask....."how could you not see the folded clothes".

I believe they are just not focused on what they are doing like we as moms are usually focused on the job at hand.

Good luck!

WOW!! I was just reading through all your responses you got!! I saw your update and am glad to see you are trying for a more structured schedule rather than givin up! I admire anyone going after better their lives and the lives of their family. I have only two children curently and one due in about 6 weeks. Long time ago I was raising two step children along with my two. They were all under the age of five together. I feel your pain. LOL Its true children do not always think things through, and patience is hard to come by at times. Im not going to repeat everyone else, but some of those women were harsh! Making it sound like your children were too young to be doing things for themselves or that you were not giving them proper attention. My mother was 15 when she had me and we learned tons of mistakes together and by 9 I could just about run an entire household. Think about out ancestors!! oops...sound like my grandmother. Anyways, I wanted to give you props and wish you the best. My babies are 6 and 3. They do LOTS of chores. Mainly cleaning up after themselves but as soon as they can learn, I teach. I AM A HUGE FAN of Disinfectent wipes. We have three bathrooms, of which one is assigned to their use and maintaining. They clean all counters and sinks with the wipes regularly and my 6 year old does the mirror with windex. I know there's a big stink with chemicals, but if you can teach a child not to touch a stove cuz its hot, you can teach them not to drink a bottle of windex cuz it'll make em sick. Now granted, the bleach and cleaning toliets are mommy jobs still, but i promise by 9, she'll be doing it too. My 6 year old washes dishes, loads dishwasher and my 3 yr old completely empties it. They usually work together, one on a stool to reach and one handing out the clean dishes. They also do laundry. I assist in sorting and soap measuring(too expensive for waste) but then know how to lead washer, move to dryer, set the dryer and change out loads. They both assist in making meals and setting tables and clearing them after. The sweep floors, care for their puppy, are responsible for their rooms, dust , etc. My point is that children are restricted by what the ideas in thier heads. My children think its a priviledge to help mommy with chores. I'm not exactly sure how I did that though. No one has ever told them they were too little so they think they can.When my 3 yr old son wants to do something he is literally to young to do I simply tell them the truth. That he is too short, needs to be a bit taller or whatever the reason is that inhibits him. He noticed he could reach light switches last fall and then recruited himself to do new chores, cuz he was taller. Children are great problem solvers!! Especially with the load you have, your house could be just about self-reliant. You and daddy to govern and regulate chores, sports and what not. I find the hardest part is letting go of my perfectionisms and letting them learn what way works best for them. My 6 year old often comes back and asks " MOmmy, what is the faster way" - meaning how do I suggest it be done more efficiently. But she tried and learned and can do anything she set her mind too. I'm not trying to sound like a crazy rule givin mother. But when you and your children shoot for the moon, you land among the stars. If thier is no such thing as cant, what is left? My six year old can read at levels two grades higher than she supposed to cuz when she says she cant, I say sound it out. I won't enable her not trying so she just keeps trying. My 3 yr old son is the same with his speaking and pronounciation. I dont respond to "baby talk" so they speak like me. Alls I'm trying to say is to unlimit you and your kids a little. They are brilliant and know no different unless told. You all can do anything you set your minds to! Finish school and trust your children to help out. Tell them how big they are and wonderfully smart and they will always aim to please! Trials and errors will occur - its all part of learning. Good luck with everything!!!

ps. The overly organized laundry basket system is awsome sounding. But dont flip over mistakes. We have eight baskets and have NO SYSTEM. My kiddos dont go by color of basket, but by color of clothes. Jeans get more jeans. Whites with whites, darks with darks. They dont know they cant sort correcty if no one told em they couldnt. I get stuff on occasion but they are 6 and 3. I'm just impressed they tried.

ok first off Lisa had a lot of chores growing but that is great! My girls who are the same age as yours A. have the following

make bed
clean room
clean closet
clean their part of the bathroom - not with chemicals or cleaners just put up hair stuff and rinse out sink
vacuum their room
vacuum hallway upstairs
vacuum playroom
vacuum downstairs living room
empty dishwasher
dust
feed/water the dog
pick up doggie mess
pick up dog toys
help set and clear the table
put away clean laundry and their bathroom towels
dust baseboards
clean window sills

and on the puke thing I get stuff like that all the time. They just do not have the mental capacity to think through all the different scenarios that can happen by putting other clothes in the puke basket.

I like and do use the idea of everyone having their own laundry basket and the clean laundry basket being white. There have been less mix ups since we have done that. I hope this helps.

I think it is great that your daughters have chores, but they are just children. Aren't chores a way for them to learn responsibility? They are going to make mistakes over and over. That is how we learn. Have you taken the time(many times) to teach and show them exactly what to do? Do you have things clearly labeled for them? I'm not blaming you, but sometimes we get so busy we forget that kids need lots of directions and lots of practice. You wouldn't expect their teacher to show them how to read one time and then expect them to be perfect. The same goes for anything you want them to learn at home. Just take a deep breath and start over. Go slowly and work with them until they know just what to do. Good luck!

In my opinion, "using the common sense that God gave you" is not a saying that applies to any child. Ever. We are born with instincts, but we are not just born with common sense. Common sense is a learned trait. It's something that we hope all adults have developed (and we can only HOPE for that in some people! LOL!) and something that we hope our children will develop as they grow, but we cannot expect them to just "have it" and know it. Children learn common sense through the example of the adults in their lives.
D. N.

I know its a little late in responding but . . .

I know what you mean about what WE think is common sense but not having been given specifics nor even having to think about what may be in that "baskets", young ones do not think ahead for the most part. They probably never even thought there might be dirty stuff in there and just threw them in without thinking.

My story and its sort of the same situation . . . about thinking ahead or knowing what to do. My husband left my 8 year old in his car while he ran in a store for something really quick. His car was parked at the curb right outside the store too. A car that was parked in front ram backwards into my husband's car and dented it a little. My son having never been in that situation, didn't know what to do and got nervous but stayed in the car. When my husband came out, my son told him about it and my husband got angry at him and questioned why he didn't call my dad to come outside. While my husband was telling me this, he questioned my son's common sense. Not having ever been in that situation before . . . kids are not sure what to do. We think its sensible and it is but not having had to deal with certain things (like thinking the clothes might be dirty), they don't think. Its part of learning and becoming aware of their environment. They don't always think about certain things because they never had to. I'm sure they will now though having something pointed out to them.

Its typical and although irritating, its part of growing up and after I told my husband that, he calmed down and thought again and understood.

A little about me:

Wish I would stay at home more, mother of two (20 and 17) and a great husband. Work downtown during the day and then run out to Dream Dinners in Thousand Oaks to work. Love that place (I am a co-owner).

I'm glad you have gotten such great ideas here. What I want to say is to Jenny, and anyone else who may have experienced such a situation.
OH, MY GOSH!!! Thank God your little one was not hurt. Probably part of Dad's reaction was out of guilt for leaving the boy there alone, and, as I like to say, "It's just so hard to yell at yourself." Please remember that the ramming of the car could have actually been a ploy to get the small kid out of it while Dad was away. Sad to say, we need to remember always that there are a lot of creeps out there. Your boy did the right thing. Too bad he didn't have a cell phone to call Dad or police.
Blessings to you all.

Okay, here's another one that will hopefully make you laugh! My five year old had a cough that would bring tears to his eyes. He has a very strong gag reflex, so I kept a bucket in the room by his bed. One night after supper the boys were getting ready for bed. The coughing fit started again, and supper ended up on the rug. Then he started to the bathroom, losing a bit more one the wooden floor in the hallway, and then into the bathroom where he missed again before finding the toilet, just as I was coming up the stairs. The two-year-old, trying to be exceedingly helpful, was trotting out of their bedroom carrying his brother's bucket. Watch out! I called, waving him away from the puddle in the hall, but he stepped right in it, then picked up his foot to see what he'd stepped in, and slipped. My initial instinct was to scold him for not heeding my warning, but thankfully I realized he was already in a sensitive situation! So I held him at arms length, and carefully carried him to the bathtub telling him it's okay. The two brothers played in the tub while I got clothes into the laundry and the floors cleaned. I'm so glad I didn't follow my first reaction to scold... this wasn't really an obedience issue, just a learning opportunity!

I think it's great that your daughters have these chores and it sounds like they are pretty responsible (at least they were doing the laundry!!). Good for you to have trained them so well thus far. I think what they did was just typical for their age...carelessness....maybe rushing...I wouldn't dwell on it.

Wow, you are a busy woman, with 4 children and going back to school! Sounds like you're doing a great job. Hope the 2 year old feels better. Enjoy your very blessed life (from reading what you said in "a little about me.")!

No, it totaly wasn't your fault. If there are empty baskets then they should have put the clean laundry in the empty basket and not the ones with the towels in it. You should keep a puke bucket handy and that shouldn't happen again with puke all over the floor. I had a puke bucket when my son was little and he was sick to his stomach and it really helped out alot.

A.,

everyone has different opinions on these matters. I think 8 or 9 years old is pretty young, not to say they shouldnt be helping out. They should. However, the whole towel thing, I am not that surprized. They are kids. I remember being that old and doing things that seemed perfectly logical to me and then my mom getting ticked off. If they are doing their chores, I think you should remind yourself they are kids when they make mistakes like this. I think cleaning their room and their laundry as well as maybe 1 more chore around this house is probably sufficient. For now my 7 year old keeps her room clean and helps load the dishwasher (with me) for dinner.

Good luck.

My advice is to ignore those that would have you quit or cut back on school.

The sooner you finish, the sooner your children will benefit from your education.

Your girls seeing their mother get an education will do wonders for their self esteem, and make them more likely to strive for what they want.

Regarding using common sense - children and adults learn it by dealing with the consequences of making mistakes. When my 6 year old makes a mistake, we talk about what she could have done differently, and then she has to fix whatever problem she's created. Your girls put the clean clothes in the dirty basket, then it becomes their job to rewash the once clean clothes. If this is something they've never done, it will take time for you to teach them, but they'll learn more than if you're the one who rewashes & drys the clothes. They'll probably think twice about their choice of laundry baskets next time around (or they'll find they like doing laundry and that's one less thing you have to do :), and hopefully in time the lessons will move into other parts of their lives.