My Husband Is an Enabler Who Do I Get Him to See That?

There is no way to make him see what you do, it's his FAMILY. He needs your support. Eventually he might come around, but with you on his back, you're the enemy-not them.

That is tough. You obviously love him very much. It sounds like his kind-hearted and that is part of the reason you love him. However, you are right. It sounds as if this is putting a financial and time strains on the welfare of your family and possibly causing him to sneak behind your back to "bail these people out". I am unsure how old the children in your home are, but if they are being exposed to your husband bailing other adults out, what is he teaching them? When you talk to him about this, stop bringing up the financial piece to the issue. With some people money is not important and you will just spin your wheels trying to make sense of it to him in this way. If he is such a kind-hearted guy money is not that important to him but, if he is a good father and you talk to him about how he is teaching his children that it is ok to not take responsibilty because someone will bail them out, he may just stop. See the money is about him and the lessons that your children are learning is about the children. Kind-hearted people generally don't care how situations effect them, but if they can see it from the perspective of a loved one that is more likely to facilitate change. I don't know your husband or if he is kind-hearted or is helping them out to hide his own problem... I don't know. But if he is kind-hearted he will want what is best for his children. This is a difficult situation. I feel for both you and your husband. Just remember, we all struggle through the best we can...and that is all we can do.
Good Luck,
M. M

This is so sad, and I am sorry you have to go through this. We have drug addicts in our family too. Only we actually confronted them about their problem as they are raising kids while high... they don't think they're doing anything wrong, so they no longer speak to us. Unfortunately, I think drug addicts think that if you try to change anything to help them or to give them tough love, they take it as if you are harming them or that you think you are better than them! See if you can get him to watch A & E's show INTERVENTION... it's on Mondays at 9pm on A&E. It shows family who are enabling the addicts get up the courage to do what is best for their loved ones. It shows the strain on the families that these people put on. It's really informative and enlightening. It shows you that if these people do not want to help themselves than you need to make them understand that their relationship with you will change. You and your husband can't be the best you can be while helping drug addicts be drug addicts! If they didn't buy drugs, they could buy food, get jobs, function in society. If he's not willing to make the changes, I seriously would consider counseling and get a 3rd party involved. Good Luck & God Bless

It's easy to see a situation clearly when you are not in the midst of it - while you see him as an "enabler," he sees himself as the only person that his brother and his aunt has.

He is playing his "role" in the family - everyone has one - he sounds like the "family hero" - the one that's always called in to save the day, to be the good person.

There is nothing you can do but be supportive. I agree with Lyd B., you will definitely be the "bad guy" in this situation if you incessantly nag and complain. If he feels like you will support him, then maybe he will come to you with his own feelings of frustration about the situation, because he does have them, and probably just feels like he has no one to share them with - you have to try to be that person. When you demonstrate that you will support him no matter what, then eventually somewhere down the line, he may take into consideration that what you are saying about his family situation may be valid and he just may see your point of view.

I'm sure these issues existed before you got married, as you haven't been married long, so you knew what you were getting into. You may not agree with the way he handles the situation, and it may not be the way you would handle the situation, buy you need to support and love your husband anyway. The only strain this issue is causing in your marriage is the strain you are creating.

Whatever you are doing to help him help them needs to stop.
Tell him that you are not going to support his families drug habit.
Also remember that by putting their drug needs ahead of your family he is putting your families concerns second. And you need to address this as well.
And after you have addressed those things you simply say
You're on your own.
What you are doing is wrong and you are doing wrong by them (his aunt and brother as well) and you are not going to enable him to enable them.
Tell him you love him. And that love is not always "nice". Love is sometimes hard and it means doing what is best for the people you love not what it is "nice".

good luck

Perhaps you can see if there are any active groups that are specifically for family members of drug addicts. Would he be interested in attending. Would he read a book about this topic at all?

I have been married for 8 years and my husband use to be an enabler as well. He use to bail his mother out of her money problems all the time and I would continually tell him that he needed to let her stand on her own two feet. What I found out was that no matter how much talking you do they will do what they want to do in the end. So my advise to you would be to let him do what he is going to do and before long he will grow tired of taking care of two families. It will become a huge pressure emotionally and financially and when you complain about it to him you become another problem for him to deal with. I know it will be hard, but you have to try to step away and let him deal with his family on his own. He will eventually say, "you were right".