My Husband Is Alienating Our 18 Yr Old Daughter Cuz of 19 Yr Old Bf

Dad is upset daughter is dating. In other news, dog bites man.

It sounds like dad got moved from first place in daughter's life and he can't stand that he is not "the main man" in her life right now.

Dad is having a problem with daughter becoming a young woman and doing her own thing. Think about Steve Martin in Father of the Bride Part !, the pigtails at the dinner table.

I recall spending a lot of time with my first boyfriend and we did not do anything just sat around and listened to records all the time. Family members were around so we weren't alone as such but it didn't matter. But that was many years ago.

NOTE: Your husband sees himself at that age when you two were dating and wants her to have more life experiences before she marries. He is just not expressing it very well.

Hopefully when she graduates and goes off to college things will change and she will or may meet new people.

the other S.

PS Talk to your daughter about being independent and not letting a male think for her. She should be able to do what she wants without BF picking her up in the morning and dropping her off at night. Kind like he is protecting is his interest and keeping others away. Good luck.

Whatever you do, don't tell her to stay away and she will do the opposite.

His "little" girl is growing up... and he has not realized that yet.
There is another "man" in her life... and he is having a hard time adjusting to that.
it is a big transition... for him. As a Dad.

Just remind your Husband, that he is always her Dad.
And if he wants to still have a nice Father/Daughter relationship... he has to.... revamp his ideas of being a Dad. She is growing up.
When I was that age... I was still CLOSE to my Dad. He was still always there for me... for any problems I had, even with Boyfriends. And I knew I could be open with him and talk to him about ANYTHING.
But if he keeps "complaining" about her or the boyfriend, he will only be sabotaging himself... and his relationship with, her.
Remind him, of that.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
My Dad, made sure to respect me and my age stages and relationships... while at the SAME time... letting me know that he respects me AND he was always, still there for me. Even if I had problems. I could tell him ALL of my personal problems. And he "grew up" with me and for me.
Even if his "little" girl, was growing up.
A daughter, always needs... her Dad.
My Dad is gone now. But I still miss him.
He gave me the BEST advice about life.... always.

Tell your Husband, to grow up.
But that you know... he is having a hard time adjusting to his daughter growing up.

I'm with your husband on this one. It's ridiculous to me that your daugther and her boyfriend see each other every day before she goes to school and every day after school. It's too much, I don't care how nice he is. Normal teen dating happens on the weekends. There is no reason for him to be a part of her weekday life - that should be a treat. She should be too busy with other friends and things to have this much time to see her boyfriend, and frankly he has too much time on his hands if he's able to bring her to and from school. It's time for her to set some healthy boundaries.

And LOL on the no sex thing. As far as my parents were concerned I was a "devout Catholic" like them - even went to Catholic school! - and I can assure you that I was not a virgin at their age. That's just naive. I would have a frank discussion with her that contains the message that while you certainly hope she is being truthful, that if she changes her mind and needs birth control, you'll help her get if from her doctor, no questions asked.

I get the feeling dad is not able to express his actual concerns.. and you are not able to understand that maybe he is noticing that all of this is a bit much.

Whether they are having sex or not, I would make sure your daughter had her HPV shots and has birth control and condoms.

They can make a vow, but with that much time together, it may be something they do not realize is going to become tempting. It is not worth pretending that it could not happen, because anything is possible. A unplanned pregnancy is not something they are ready for.

I was dating my boyfriend at that age, and spent a tremendous amount of time with him (he attended another high school), but I also had other friends very good friends that I also went out with. Many, many times, he did not tag along. We were attending so many of our own school events, I did not want to worry about him being dragged along. Same with him.. We had our own interests. Make sure she is having the chance to hang out with other friends and other girl and not missing out on HER senior year.

Yes, my mother loved having my boyfriend/boyfriends spend time at her house. We ate together, watched movies together and had game nights. She also invited them to join us when we attended church events and with our relatives. She would ask them to help us with lawn care, home maintenance and helping to work on our cars. All of this ended up helping these young men respect my mom, my family and so also respect me.

But your daughter needs to know she is not dependent on him. That she actually can survive without seeing him every day. That she does not need him to make her happy. Does she have her own car? Maybe she could at least take herself to school each day?

Here is the deal. I am now married to that boyfriend.. Over 30 years.. I still get together once a month with those old high school friends at least once a month and my husband usually does not join us.

I think we have a healthy relationship because we know we need some space. We are married forever, so every once in a while having time alone with our own parents, our own friends, is important and realistic.

Your daughter needs to know, she is only going to be home with you all for a few more months.. And you and dad are going to really miss her. This time cannot be made up.. And it is passing very quickly.. She needs to understand this is really some of the last days as a real family.. It will change once she moves to college.

Remind your husband that a huge reason his daughter has such a great young man in her life is because of his positive relationship with her.

Girls often choose partners based on their relationship with their own Dad. His closeness to her, the way he raised her to respect herself and his obvious presence in her life is in large part why she picked who she did.

Let him know his job is not done yet, just changing. She still needs him and part of that need is based in his approval of who she spends time with. He'll lose her with negativity!

first off, i'm shocked at how many people are suggesting that you curtail your daughter's time with her boyfriend, and 'don't let' her stay ot until 9:30.
ALLOW an EIGHTEEN year old to stay out until <gasp? 9:30????
i think both you and your husband need to understand that this is not a little girl, you have a young woman on your hands. i get that your husband is not ready to lose his little girl yet, and is struggling with his emotions. you can be empathetic and let him know he's understood, but you should still be very firm with him that he needs to stop sulking and trying to manipulate her emotionally.
and you should both stay out of their sexual business.
these are young adults, and do not need to be told what time to come home, or have their contraception plans scrutinized.
or their private mail read.
take a big step back, mama, and drag your husband with you.
khairete
S.

He is bieng threatned by this relationship. Even though it is a natural part of life. He need to adjust to the changes and be honest with himeself. I know it is hard, to see your kids grow up sometimes. I think because this kid is awesome, he is afraid that he is going to loose his little girl. He needs to talk to her ...

If the boyfriend was a disrespectful jerk, your hubby would not be as threatned. ..

Good luck.

Ok is it possible that because your husbby is a guy maybe he is seeing something you and your daughter are not seeing. Maybe it's father's intuition; can you at least take into account his concerns, some of them may be valid.
I do think seeing the kid everyday is way too much, too many opportunities to break the abstinence promise. I'm also concerned that your daughter gets a ride home at 930pm, is she at work?

I'm just saying that both you and your daughter should validate your husband's concerns to give him some peace of mind; yes she is technically an adult but she is still living under your roof. Just make rules about how much time is too much,

I would side with hubby on this one but again I'm a big believer in gut instinct.
Hope everything resolves peacefully and both father and daughter can strengthen and not alienate, their relationship.

I love what K-Bell and Bug said! It sounds like your husband is having a hard time realizing that his little girl is growing up. I suspect it would help if you affirm his feelings. Maybe mention to him how emotional it is for you to know your little girl will soon be leaving the nest and how you hope you've prepared her for the next phase of her life. He might need to know that he's not the only one who isn't quite ready for her to be an adult.

Right now, he needs to know that his feelings are perfectly normal. You're right. He does need to let her make her own decisions or run the risk of pushing her away. But it doesn't seem to be helping matters to remind him of this. Empathizing with him and letting him know that he's not alone might be more effective.

First of all, it's possible they could be having sex. It's also possible they are NOT having sex. I spent lots of time with my boyfriends, and NEVER engaged in sexual activity until my wedding night. EVER. My now husband and I spent hours together, alone, at both of our places. No fooling around occurred with every opportunity to. We were completely dedicated to waiting. I was a virgin until 23, and he 26. It IS possible, and people telling you that she HAS to be having sex need to chill out.

I do think you need to have a frank discussion with her and make sure she is not, or is not tempted to. I get that she's devout, but devout people make mistakes. Especially, at this age. She needs the whole thing on pregnancy, STDs, health, emotions, all that. (If you haven't already done so. If you have, go ahead and have a refresher.) Since you are Catholic (and this is a rhetorical question. I'm not asking you to answer here) do you advocate against any kind of birth control? If so, it's even MORE imperative you talk with her. One time and you could be a grandma.

With all that said, it's his girl. He perhaps feels inside of him, that he is being replaced. My dad LOVES and loved at the time, my now husband. I can tell you it was HARD for him. The night my husband talked to him about proposing, my dad (even though he liked him) told him all the reasons we shouldn't get married. Why it was a bad idea. Truth is, we were ready and mature. He knew that, but I was his youngest. This big, strong, tattooed, ex navy seal...cried the whole time he walked me down the aisle. First time I'd ever seen him cry. He loves my husband and is now so happy we married. He admits fully, it was hard and sad to go through seeing me be taken away. Talk to him. Find out WHY he is being a jerk. Reassure him that she will always be his daughter, and this boyfriend isn't attempting to steal her away.

Sounds like your husband is having a hard time with his daughter being an adult and about to move away. It's a normal reaction, but he does need to reign it in and keep quiet. If he can't recognize it on his own or listen when you tell him, he may need to speak to a third-party without the emotional attachment to the situation.

Your husband is upset because unlike you, he knows EXACTLY what is going on.
They ARE having sex. At that age and spending that much time together? Oh yes.
My Christian friends in high school got way with all kinds of things because they looked like "good" kids, going to church/youth group, getting good grades, coming home by curfew, never getting into any trouble, etc.
They were FAR from innocent, and yet their parents were clueless, because they wanted to believe what their kids were telling them.
Your husband knows what's going on and he doesn't like it.
I don't blame him, but there's not a whole lot he can do, other than insisting she be home for dinner most nights, or at least during the week.
Why are you letting her stay out until 9:30 every night? These are your last few months together as a family, you should make an attempt to have her home as much as possible. Invite the boyfriend to stay for dinner sometimes too.

I would be blunt and tell him you don't want to hear it. Sometimes, I'd tell my husband to go talk to the trees. LOL I'd walk out of the room if he continues to complain. I'd make it very clear to him that I wasn't listening to this anymore.

I suggest that your daughter be direct with him also. Both of you tell him that you sympathize with his pain but that you won't listen anymore. She is going to continue to see this friend. Repeat his good characteristics once and after that continue to say, "I won't listen" and leave.

If I were his daughter, I'd tell him that unless he stops complaining about her boy friend during dinner then I was no longer going to have dinner with him. Express sorrow over losing his (father's) company while setting this boundary.

I suggest that he's jealous of the boyfriend and is having great difficulty accepting that his little girl is growing up. You're right, this attitude will drive both you and your daughter away. Tell him that in firm but respectful tone.

If he can't examine and change his attitude I urge you to get counseling help in learning how to deal with this. I'm guessing he'll refuse to go. You go anyway. Because I would see this as having a major negative impact on my relationship with him. I would want to support my daughter because this does seem to be a good choice on her part. If this meant having difficulty with my husband, so be it. She is at a crucial stage in her life and needs your support.

I would explain this to my husband. I'd try to be sympathetic to his feelings while keeping good boundaries for myself and my daughter.

Non-violent communication might help you with ways to word your conversations. Here is their web site. http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication

Later: If your daughter and her boyfriend are together every morning and evening until 9:30 I also suggest that this is too often. She is cutting out her father from her life. You may not feel cut out because she talks with you and you two share "girl" talk. You may be living your own youth vicariously with her.

I would also be concerned about sex. It would be an extremely rare teen who was not having sex when spending this much time together. I would be sure that she knows that you'll accept her if she is and see that she has birth control information if not actual birth control.

If they're just together 2-3 times a week excluding a ride to school each morning when it's literally time just for getting there, then I'd be less concerned. But I would still be sure to remember that she may just be telling you what you want to hear. I'd have an emotionally neutral conversation with her about ways in which we're tempted and encourage her to get birth control even if she doesn't want to talk about this with you.

Could he be mad when you bring up when you were 16, he, 19 because he remembers what it was like to be that age and what happened or how difficult it was to keep sex from happening?

Upon further thought, I suggest you need to find a way to discuss this with him in a calm, rational, and nonjudgmental way. Non violent communication skills will help with that.

My advice about setting the boundary of not listening to him when he complains still stands. Recognize his concerns, yes, but constant complaining does not solve the issue and in fact makes finding a resolution more difficult.

Sex or not-she's 18 and he's 19, they're old enough, but I get your point, he's a nice respectable boyfriend.

Sounds like your husband is the odd man out because he's the only one bothered by how much time she spends with the boyfriend. And no one is with him on this. What do you mean during the school week he brings her home at 9:30pm? Does she just hang out with him every day after school? Or often? or sometimes? This does sound excessive to me since she's still in school. Does she have a job? Idle hands are the devil's playthings so to speak or however that goes...

My parents didn't necessarily FORBID me from dating at 18, but they certainly were lukewarm at best to my boyfriend, he never came over, I never hung out at his house, and I had three jobs plus after school stuff and homework in high school so I was lucky to see him for a group movie night once a month...

But that's neither here nor there. I see why your husband is annoyed. Teens and their boyfriends and girlfriends annoy me (my babysitter talks about NOTHING but her BOYFRIEND)with all their obsessing and texting and yada yada...it's like GET SOME INDEPENDENCE GIRLS! THERE'S A BIG WORLD OUT THERE BEYOND YOUR BOYFRIEND... so I know I'm not going to be super fond of the extra kids glued to my kids when that age comes either....

But your husband can't win here now and that may be part of the reason he's miffed. His daughter is almost out of the house and he isn't seeing much of her in his opinion. It's not like at 18 you can really tell her to stop hanging out so much with the all-important boyfriend if nothing bad has happened. Up front you and your husband should have compromised on the rules and gone from there if he was going to be fairly represented. At this point, he has to just let it go, and you pretty much have to accept his dismay, and your daughter has to accept he has the right to feel slighted and it's not necessarily personal against the boyfriend. You can try to get him to not mind this, but that's probably futile...my daughters' dad isn't going to like their boyfriends either :)

I would ask him just what kind of young man he envisions for his daughter. I'll bet that young man's attributes are the very same as your daughter's BF. Daddy just needs to understand that he DOES approve of this young man...even though he misses his little girl.

Is he jealous? Is he having problems seeing her not as his little girl but as a grown person? My sks' BM admitted she hated her son's first serious GF. Not because the girl was rude or mean or horrible, but because the GF displaced her (she displaced all of us, BM was not the only one who rarely saw him).

I would encourage him to get to know the BF and see him being around as a good thing. Evil, controlling boyfriends don't hang out with their victim's families. You get to see how he treats her vs just hoping he treats her well. My DH felt that one of SD's exes had no ambition and no goals and he really didn't like the guy much, but he was civil to him. I reminded DH that the guy was only 17 and if he didn't have goals, then SD would soar by him soon enough, which she has.

I would talk to him and ask him what exactly his concern is here. If he can't articulate it, then ask him to give the guy a chance since there isn't anything he can point to. He's raised a capable, smart young woman, yes? So he needs to trust her. He needs to also trust that if he feeds his relationship with her (vs smothering it), she will always be his girl. He should listen to her vs just complain that she has a BF. Is this her first really serious relationship?

Seeing kids grow wings is hard. But if we don't let them use those wings, we will never get to see them soar.

(And FWIW, even if she never uses the knowledge, make sure she has factual, correct information on sex, STDs, pregnancy prevention, the works. It's not dismissing what you've already told her about waiting. But it will give her information to consider when she gets to that point in her life.)

No offense but your husband sounds like an a-hole. He should be doing backflips that your daughter has found such a nice young man that not only respects her Catholic convictions, but has his own as well. My parents would have kissed the ground he walked on!!! Dad needs to realize that if he keeps this up, he'll put a wedge in their relationship. This is her final few months at home and he needs to cherish it. Once she's off to college, he'll regret spending their time together complaining and whining. He needs to embrace this young man as he sounds like a gem and get to know him and spend time with him as well.

Daddy's little girl is growing up. He probably gets mad when you mention your own relationship because he can see how it became permanent. One of my girls has a boyfriend. It is a sweet relationship and he really is a nice kid. They see each other on the weekends and I have gotten to know his mom. I don't think they are devout anything but he once mentioned to me that he signed onto some group or idea or whatever regarding abstinance and not smoking, drinking or doing drugs and he plans to at least until he can be responsible for that decision.Anyway, my husband likes him. Does not complain about him per se but will say to my other daughter "She is such a good girl, no boyfriend".
I think it is a great ideae to have him spending time with her. I wish I could get my husband to do that. I really can strengthen their relationship and show him that she is growing up. Any way to get him to open up and talk about her as an adult (with you, not with her).

Ughhhh - your daughter's boyfriend sounds like a parent's dream - truly. That's the kind of young man I hope my daughter finds when she's older. As for your husband, it sounds as if he's jealous of the bf. I know it must be hard for Dads to adjust to their daughters having another man in their lives. It's a good idea for your DD and DH to have some one-on-one time as you've done. How much time do you and DH spend "dating". Maybe DH would like a little more of that? Not sure if that would help. Try to get to the bottom of what's really eating at DH and maybe you'll be able to go from there. Good luck.