DH Not as Understanding as Me......

I had a BF my senior year of HS that had an apartment and he didn't have a room mate. We never had sex and I used to go over there every Friday night to hang out with just him.

If they are dating, what is to stop them from going to his apartment while out on a date?
She'll be 18 soon and legally an adult.

Just because your daughter is "almost" 18 doesn't mean you have to start letting her do "adult" activities now. My daughter is "almost" 16 but I'm not going to let her go driving on her own. I can see both sides to this but you can't just say, well, she can have sex anywhere anyway when it's pretty darn obvious to EVERYONE that if you allow her to go to his apartment they will FOR SURE have sex. I agree with your husband on this one. Set some boundaries since she still is living at home and not 18 yet. JMO. Good luck.

Here's the thing. He's being TOO conservative, and you're being TOO permissive. There needs to be a meeting of the minds in between.

Sometimes a girl needs parents to hold her back from too much reality. And free access to a college boy's apartment is just too much reality.

He should be over at your house instead. Is your husband saying no to that? Big mistake.

You say in your SWH that you don't want her to have sex til she is married. I think you have rose-colored glasses. You are proposing that they date several times a week and you don't think they'll actually end up having sex?

She needs to be working this summer. He needs to be working. They don't need to be spending 6 to 7 hours a day together. When she is in school in the fall, she needs to be studying and only going out on the weekends. He needs to have more in his head than a girlfriend. He's in college and needs to be hitting the books.

There's a difference in saying "You can't date" and "You can't go out all the time." You need to work on this...

So, you are probably right that she may find a way to have sex if she wants to, but I think setting the rule of not allowing her over at his apartment unsupervised is still ok. She could easily find herself in an uncomfortable situation or be pressured into something that she could avoid if she doesn't go over there simply by saying she isn't allowed over.
I can see both sides, but I also think he is being reasonable with this rule.

Things without paragraphs are so hard to read.

You're correct that if she's dating him, they can have sex. And they will have sex. Maybe they already do.

While I was in high school, I never went to boyfriends houses or had them over. I was way too busy with work after school and activities. My parents would not have allowed it. I had to see my boyfriends out on group events. I didn't have my own car. I needed rides and permission to do stuff. YES, I did sneak out and do some stuff, no I didn't have sex...but if I wanted to at 17 I would have. But not in my parents house or at a boyfriend's apartment or house. Parents were just not that accommodating in my circle.

I can see what you mean that you have to let her or she'll lie and do it anyway. But I can see how your husband feels uncomfortable giving permission to her to go over the the apartment, because it means she will go there from now on with your blessing. So. By virtue of her 19year old BFs apartment, she gets to go have sex pretty much with permission and adult privacy.

I don't really know what sort of happy medium you can reach. I look forward to other answers.

I would not try to force you husband into being OK with it though. I think it's nice that he isn't. I think it will benefit her to have at least one parent with strict moral convictions, even if he's forced to comply with letting her go. At least she knows he doesn't approve. It's not the same as having two harsh, intolerant, unrealistic parents.

She is not 18 and she is not out on her own supporting herself. She does not have to be treated like she is.

I think you and your husband are too far apart - he is panicked and excessively conservative, and you are trying to be your daughter's friend by advocating for her and giving her less oppressive rules than you were raised with.

It's great that you have had all these talks with your daughter. However, that doesn't mean that what she has "heard" is what she will do.

Kids learn by practicing. That can be piano, or soccer, or driving, or dating. Your daughter is not learning how to have a relationship because she's been so restricted in dating. So your husband was wrong there. She needs more practice. That means going to the movies or out to dinner. She'll learn more social skills and more relationship skills if she and her BF double date. (That also makes it more difficult to have sex.) So if you and your husband actively encourage double dating and let her do tons of stuff in large or small groups, that will benefit her as well as give her a bigger social life. You want her to be smart and responsible - but you have to give her more opportunities to learn to do that.

I'm concerned that she is jumping immediately into "go to the apartment" - your husband has not given her enough experience to be able to handle that. He's handicapped her. But you seem to want to skip the learning process and go right to the real life situation. I think saying "no" is making this "forbidden fruit". If the BF just wants everyone to see his place, that would be great - you could go too!

She's on birth control. You don't say why. So that's another issue. She's protected against pregnancy, great. She's not protected against STDs but you're hoping your talks will be enough.

But you're doing an interesting thing, wishing she would wait until marriage to have sex. Honestly, while I fully support those people who want to do this, I think there's a lingering morality reason in adhering to it as an ideal. We date other people, don't we, to "try them on" and see if we are compatible. There is an argument (that I realize not everyone subscribes to) that learning about our bodies, and about what feels good, is key to our having a rewarding sexual relationship (or several) across the span of our lives. I definitely think intimacy is an acquired feeling, developed over time. I don't think sex needs to be a part of every relationship. But I do think that, if we set our kids up to think we'll be disappointed in them if they have premarital sex, we put such an unreasonable expectations on them that they figure, "Oh what the hell, I'm going to disappoint my mother anyway, so why wait any longer to do so?"

Your daughter is 17. Repeat: 17. She is too young to be going to apartments unless it's a pure sightseeing trip with others. But I do think you have to expand her dating parameters and get your husband to be less of a drill sergeant on this. She's never going to be as responsible as he would like her to be, and she's never going to be safe, if she doesn't have a chance to learn to be an adult.

As for your SWH - your daughter is going to share some things with you, and she's going to hide some. I lied to my parents all the time because nothing I did could please them - your daughter is in that situation, at least with her father. But the other thing she's learning from the two of you is that 2 people in a relationship cannot come to an agreement, and that is probably the most damaging thing of all. She either won't confide in you at all because she's afraid you will tell her father, or she will confide and have to watch you be deceptive with your husband. How exactly is that teaching her to use you as role models for her own relationships?

Stop talking to her about waiting until marriage, and focus on what it means to wait until ready. What does "ready" mean to you? How to we define, and how to we achieve, emotional maturity? What are you doing to let and encourage your daughter to grow up, to develop a depth of feeling, to mature? What are you doing to put her into situations she's not yet ready to handle? And what are you doing to help her get to the point where she IS ready to handle them? What are her plans after high school? Will she be going off to college? She will be confronted with endless opportunities for sexual relationships at that point. You'd better spend this next year working on getting her strong enough in her ability to make her own choices and not just jump at every glorious opportunity that she has no experience at handling.

Ok, so I was the "good girl" in life and didn't have sex until I was 30 when I met my now husband. But, I also didn't ever say I wouldn't, I just said I wasn't going to do something I didn't want to do, and up to that point, no one had ever made me mind or regret saying NO.

I went to parties, I went out on dates, I went out with friends, and since we were in the early 90s when Saturday Night Live as good with Farley, Carvey, Spade, etc. I know that even with 15-20 in that house, and parents home, sex was had. I also know that a lot of of necking was going on also. I didn't do those things, but I could have if I wanted to.

Your daughter sounds a lot like I was at that age. I think dating her bf is fine. I think that hanging out with him when other people are home at his apartment is fine. But, I would not let her go for overnight, nor would I let her go most anywhere without checking in. She is really only a JUNIOR in high school. She is not a Senior for another 3 months, and she will grow a lot in experiences and real life in that time. Especially because she is working a full time job. I think that it sounds like you have done a good job at giving her guidelines for what decisions she should make, and which ones you would approve of.

You are right, she is going to do what she is going to do, but you don't have to make it too easy on her. One time my senior year, my mom had taken my brother and sister on a trip to help some friends move. I couldn't go because of my honors classes, so I stayed home with my dad who had to work. He wouldn't let me go to the cast party from the spring play because it would be mixed company. I remember being so incredibly flabbergasted at him. This was a school sponsored event with chaperons and everything it just happened to be at a friend's house. Of course my mom would have realized the ridiculousness of his NO, but he didn't. Dad's don't "get" it because they are protective and go straight to worse case scenario.

I recommend that you let him read this and let him understand, that she will do what she wants even when you don't know about it. Also, she does need guidance and not too much leniency. I do think that maybe you are being too lax, but dad is being too hard. Maybe you can talk and compromise together. After you and hubby figure out what you can agree on, then talk to your daughter and read an agreement together.

As to whether or not you want to know if she is having sex, the answer is NO. You don't really want to know. You want her to know that she can come to you if something happens and that she can come to you if she needs to, but don't expect her to. Don't demand to know, and take what information she gives you and be good.

Oh, and PLEASE do not push her to get married or make her feel she has to be married to have sex. She does not. It is not a mortal sin. She will not go to Hell. If she feels this and wants to have sex, she may just get married to do it. This is one of the worst reasons to have get married ever!

No way would I give permission to go to her boyfriends apartment. It's one thing to have to "work" at having sex in the back seat of a car but it's another to play house in a teenagers very own apartment.

I think you have went way to the other side in disciplining because you don't want to be like your parents.

It sounds like you have raised a very good girl who is open with you, keep that up but there has to be a balance. And something that some parents don't understand is that sometimes when "kids" bring up big conversations it's because they want you to say "no" just to make sure you care. By her asking instead of just lying, she may have been testing you ( just a thought)

i would pop my dh over the head with a cast iron frying pan if he attempted to be this draconian with any of my kids. he's creating a perfect storm of a situation for a girl to run out and defiantly flout all his rules.
you cannot control every thought and action in a young adult. you shouldn't want to. if you've done your job well, they're going to make thoughtful decisions, including some bad ones, and learn from them and get along fine despite mistakes. if you've ballsed it up in the preceding years, it's too late to fix now.
you certainly don't give carte blanche for the two of them to start spending the night together or anything, but you do let your child know that you trust her and respect her and are there to help her. that includes getting her on birth control with a very thoughtful conversation about how this doesn't mean you're giving the green light.
khairete
S.

My 2 cents...the apartment thing is where playing house begins. It gives them more privacy and freedom than is normal and appropriate for a girl who is still in high school. Whether or not she is sexually active isn't the point - if she is, sex at that age should be like it is for typical teenagers - stealthy, hurried, hoping to not get caught. At least without the apartment in the picture, they have to actually go somewhere and do something when they go out besides just spend a quiet evening in bed at his place and have her come home by curfew. And the apartment of a 19-year-old is the perfect place for other people to come by with booze or drugs or whatever. Maybe your daughter wouldn't participate, but it puts her in a position where things could quickly become out of control or unsafe.

Are most teens going to be sexually active, and should we prepare them to make good decisions about this and be safe and sensible? Sure. Should we make it easy for them? No. She can go ahead and live the life of freedom when she's actually out of high school and in college.

They are going to have sex if they want to. You can't follow her around everywhere and micromanage her every move. You have to trust that you have taught her well. She should be on birth control.

I personally would have let my daughter go to her boyfriend's apartment in a similar situation. I trusted her judgment and I knew she wasn't stupid. Your daughter sounds like a pretty together girl. Your daughter is a senior in high school, and that is the transition year, because next year you will have zero control if she goes off to college. I don't know how to convince your husband, though.

Why are you and your husband not talking about this and coming to an agreement before sending your daughter off to ask him? That makes him the bad guy and then you two fight. I normally tell my kids that I will talk to their dad and let them know. Granted my kids aren't to that age yet, but it will come. My husband and I often discuss big decisions like this before either of us gives the kids an answer.

I can tell you that your husband just having a NO answer to all of this will make her stop asking him, stop caring about his concerns, and no longer communicate with him about any issues that arise. He needs to have an adult conversation with her about his concerns and trust that he has raised her right to make wise decisions. Isn't that all we can do as parents?

Um, so what if they have sex? There is more to your daughter than her virginity! What are her future plans? Is she going to college? What about her activities or work? Does she volunteer? What about her circle of friends? All good kids?

And why did you pass off the question to her step dad? You said it was okay, so why did she need a man's permission? That is just weird to me. Wasn't your permission good enough? Your daughter is a human being, not some piece of property that could go down in value if her virginity is compromised.

Both you and your "dear" husband seem unnaturally obsessed with whether your daughter is having, thinking of or looking for opportunities to have sex. That is your personal issue and not hers. Tell your husband to get over it.

In our house our kids just stopped talking to their dad. Now that we are divorced he knows nothing about what goes on in their lives beyond their grades.

I warned him 20 ways from Tuesday that if he didn't listen, didn't know them and how responsible they are, if he kept it up they just wouldn't come to him. Now he always claimed that if I backed him up they would come to him. First of all I did not agree with him at all so why should I back him up. Second if I had backed him up then they would stop coming to me as well and we would have no communication with them.

I don't know if I am making sense but my point is he doesn't get the final say, you are a team and if you back him she is not only going to do what she wants but she isn't going to talk to you anymore either.

Well you're right. She might and might not have sex. You are brave to face this and admist that it could happen. On the other hand, you can't force your husband to like it, deal with it, or accept it.

Some other time, explain to him that forcing this on her could cause her to leave the home early, she could miss out on school, and end up in a situation neither of you want. Give him a little time and breathing room.

I would put it to him this way, if you try to keep her under your thumb and refuse to let her grow up she could very easily just move in with him when she is 18, and there will be nothing he can do to stop it. In trying to protect her he is going to push her away. I would not be okay with my husband pushing my daughter from us, so I would have to be very direct with him that he is wrong in this and he has to start treating her like what she is, a young woman,not a little girl.