My Husband - Grand Prairie,TX

All I can say is something my mom once said to me; you have to decide what you are and are not willing to deal with in a relationship, then let it go. For example: my father has never held down a steady job, but my mom decided over 30 yrs ago that she could deal with being the main breadwinner-it still sometimes bothers her but she just reminds herself that she decided a long time ago this was something she was willing to deal with in order to be with the man she loves.
After receiving this advise, I opted for divorce, as I was NOT willing to spend the rest of my life being a a doormat/maid/whipping post/lower class citizen.

So I guess all I can say is that you need to decide what you are and are not willing to live with...good luck to you in whatever you decide :)

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I would check out flylady.net to try to get yourself support on your house not being perfect - whether or not your future house will include your husband. You also need to enlist your son in the household upkeep. If you are unable to, you may need to hire someone to help out.

As for the relationship, you need to decide what you want there. The separation may have been hard on the 15 yo, but, from personal experience, it is harder to have the tension and fighting in the household. You need to do what you need to do, and that includes teaching your son what you will and will not put up with and showing him a good example of a healthy relationship, or a happy mom (albeit single).

If you want to try, give 5 Love Languages a try. See if you can figure out how your husband shows love....if he does. Also, he may be dealing with his worry in a bad way. How open is your communication? Can you sit and discuss this?

Get some paid help with the housework first. He doesn't want to do it, and you can't keep up. If you both have money coming in, you can afford it. Then get into some short-term counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself. It will give you new insight into alot of things. He doesn't see himself as mean, and you see everything as mean. The truth is somewhere inbetween.

My husband and I are also active in church. When we were married, I did not want to say the word "obey" as part of the marriage vows because of all the things that word could mean to people. I spoke with the pastor about it (with my husband present) and asked if I could avoid saying it. He said that the word "obey" means that the husband is always looking out for the best interest of his wife and family, is sacrificially living for her and the well-being of his family, and is always thinking of himself last. If the husband is doing that, what wife would not want to obey? (My husband, for the most part, does just that, too. He encourages me to go out with friends, go get a massage, etc. It's awesome!)

My thought is this: can you talk to your pastor and, together with your husband, have another look at the marriage vows, walking through what each phrase means? That will help him remember what he committed to, and help you remember, too. Marriage is a big commitment, and it always helps to be reminded of what we signed up for in the first place.

God's blessings!

Wow, honey! I just want to give you a big hug, bring over a casserole and help you get the laundry folded and the house cleaned up!
And then give your husband a good talking-to!

I think that a lot of people, men especially, deal with worry in strange ways. They want to pretend like there is nothing to be concerned about and then nothing bad can happen, right? That may have something to do with your husband's not wanting to acknowledge that you need help.

But- since you say he has ALWAYS been sort of like this, I hate to say it, but maybe he's just lazy! If you having a serious illness isn't enough to get him to step up and help out around the house, I am not sure what would be!

How does your son feel about all this? I am not saying to put him in the middle, but at 15 he sees everything and must have an opinion about it. IS he helping around the house and doing his share? If you're sick, he needs to step up too and help you out some more.

You say that you and your husband are involved in a great church- it sounds to me like if you are determained to stay with your husband, at least until your son is grown, you and he need to go to counseling RIGHT NOW. With your pastor, or maybe a health professional, (your pastor or doctor can recommend one). Possibly some family sessions with your son, who must be worried and frustrated and not know what to do, would also help.

A double- barrelled approach might be most helpful- going to meet regularly in private with the pastor, just the three of you, to discuss the spiritual aspects of health and love and respect in a marriage=and then also meeting with a marriage counselor or healthcare professional WITH your husband, who can help get him to understand that your body is under tremendous stress right now and he is making it worse and more difficult for you to get better.

It is not ok for you to sacrifice your health to your husband's laziness.
It is not ok for him to disrespect you, the home that you share, or your condition.

If he isn't afraid of you leaving him, he needs to understand the poor example he is setting for his son and maybe the pastor can put the fear of God in him as well?? Something MUST motivate him, right?

I wish you well- take care of yourself and know that you are doing the best you can. Remember that prayer is a wonderful thing- but God likes it when we put forth some effort ourselves too!! Get your husband to go talk to your pastor and your doctor for a start. Good luck and God Bless!!!

oh honey, im so sorry your having to go through all this. I cant imagine the emotional rollercoaster you must be on. Sit down and talk with your husband, tell him you cannot take the mess and that you really need his help... He needs to understand that you can not do all of this on your own and a marriage is supposed to be a partnership.

just a thought... I recently discovered that my Hubby doesn't really know what to do when I tell him I need "help" with the house/kids/stuff. I've learned I have to be very specific with everything, for example, honey can you either do the dishes, empty the dish washer and fill it with the stuff in the sink, for me NOW, or go get the kids showered and ready for bed, teeth brushed and in their pj's NOW? I know it may sound silly to have to say all that but it does work. anything I need done I'll start a verbal list and ask him to pick one or two things to do for me to "help" me. he really does have NO CLUE what to do to be helpful, but now that I've started telling him very specifically what I need to get done in order to be happy with the way the house looks or in order to sit down and watch TV with him. you would think having been married for almost 20 years he would know that the dishes have to be done and the laundry has to be folded, or with kids that they would need a little help with their homework on occasion, but NOPE! he has no idea... so now I tell him what I want to get done and let him pick what he wants to do to help! and I may always get the dirty jobs but I'd have gotten them anyhow, so at least he is helping!

now if he were to say NO to my specific request for help, we would go straight to counseling, which I recommend in your situation anyhow to help you deal with all that you are going through at this time. Many churches have counseling on a sliding scale (adjustable cost) so you can still get the help you need without worry over the cost, first go for your self then if he wants to join you great, but take care of you first so you will be more prepared to take care of your marriage.

Beverly,
I'm not an expert, but I am sick, stuck at home. At first my fiance' was really unsure and he really didn't understand. He was also very worried about me. He was never mean and he is a neat freak. I'm at home all day, and the house isn't clean??
I finally told him how I felt and he had a choice you can stay and fight this with me or go away. i'm sorry you are going threw this. You need as much support as you can get.. You deserve that. If it were me I would talk to your son, surely he doesn't want you to be treated poorly, by anyone!

Good Luck and May God bless your entire family.

I think you should look into Fly Lady, she is who keeps me going when it comes to cleaning, she is all about baby steps and getting things done 15 minutes at a time...this works for everyone from frazzled momma's to women struggling with depression ( like myself) and women who have debilitating illness's. She has a website that explains it, google FlyLady. I really love it, F-L-Y stands for Finally Loving Yourself which sounds like something you need to be doing. Prayers your way,
B.

Have you thought about taking your son with you when you are going to visit your mom and doing more frequent trips? He might fight the idea at first. However, it would be a GREAT opportunity for you & your son to catch up & talk about everything & life. 15 is such an important age for a son with their mom. This way you wouldn't be alone on the long drive either. Your son may balk at the idea, but if you push the idea you will give him a lifetime of memories thinking about his road trips with his mom. This way your time will be productive spent with your son and not thinking about your husband and how upset you are. Also, he can drive you there once he is 16. Your husband will NOT change. He is who he is. But you have the opportunity of a lifetime with your son while he is there for 2-3 more years before he goes to college or moves out. Focus on him right now. Good luck!

If your church does not offer counseling then look up a larger church around you and ask about free counseling. Don't give up before you get another perspective on your troubles. You're hubby may not even realize how close he is to loosing his family. Or you may not even realize that he is depressed. How you cope with this situation will be an example of how your son will choose to cope with his problems. Is your marriage worth fighting for? I think so. More importantly, God thinks so. It's the one thing He has given you to take care of. We all get our priorities out of focus from time to time but don't through the baby out with the bath water! Satan would be really happy if you threw in the towel without really trying. Live your life to make him mad! What a testimony to Gods greatness that he could put this life and marriage back together. You are not going to make your situation better by splitting up when you will need each other even more as you age. Get some Godly counseling and do the work necessary.

Lake Arlington Baptist Church has a counseling center called IMPACT. Contact Katy Brooks at ###-###-####. HOpe this helps!