My Hubby Has Another Child!

My hubby has other children that the mom keeps from him. I let him make his own decisions on how to handle it. And support what he decides, as long as its respectful to me as well.

that is his past let him deal with it if he feels the need to. what happens between them 2 is just that between them. now don't be suprised if he doesnt want anything to do with the kid at first what do you say to akid who doesnt know you at all. all single moms adjust to being single moms and move on. if she is married and he tries to contact his kid and that man has adopted him he will be opening a can of worms for her. I say let sleeping dogs lie till she gets ahold of him and then this is between them 2 only.
my other half knows he has a kid out there somewhere. He wants contact with the kid and is willing to support or whatever he has to do for this kid. she ditched him and never contacted him again.he can't find his kid. problem is if he finds the kid does he even know he is his dad or does he think someone else is his dad. has he ever been told?

Hi K..
What a difficult situation! I am going to speak to this from the side I have seen first hand. I have a family member who became pregnant and had a child and didn't let the father know until the child was about 5 years old. She had applied for some kind of state aid and they ordered paternity testing before they would give her the aid. They both found out that he was the father through letters from the state saying that he was responsible for supporting the child. He had recently married another woman and she was expecting their first child. The news that he already had a child was devastating to her, so he refused to have anything to do with the previous child. He told only a couple of members of his family and they all decided that it would be kept a secret, and to them that was the end of it.
But now we have this sweet boy in the family who is turning 16 soon and has been diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. It it hereditary and incurable. He has been treated for the condition for several years, but the long term prognosis isn't good. He has two sisters he has never met, and feels totally abandoned by his birth father.
I guess I said all that to say this... the adults in this situation don't really matter that much, It is the child who should come first. The child needs to know his medical background and he deserves to be loved by as many people as he can. After all, he didn't ask to be born into this situation. If the birth mom denies access to him, at least your husband will be able to live with the fact that he tried, and if it turns out he is not the father he will at least know that he did the right thing by checking on it.
I know it is a terrible position to be in, and I don't envy your situation at all. Just remember God doesn't give you more than He knows you can handle, and right now He must think you are one strong lady.
Hang in there.
Christi

I disagree with the other poster that say to let sleeping dogs lie. Not that I am in support of borrowing trouble, the fact remains that he could have a son that will want to know who his father is. I also disagree that this is between your husband and the "other woman." When you are married, you agree to take on the whole package - whether or not you know what the box contains :)

I would sit down and write a letter together to the woman and send it certified mail. Explain that you have seen a picture of this boy and that you both believe in your hearts that he is your husband's son. I would indicate that you are not looking for anything right now, but that your husband has the right to a paternity test. She can take the boy to a separate doctor and not tell him what the test is for (offer to pay for the testing). Once paternity is determined, THEN let the two of them (if the child is his) sit down and decide what to do next.

The true end result is supposed to be what is best for this child - aside from what his mother wants, what your husband wants and the state of yours and your huband's relationship with each other. If everyone keeps that in the forefront of their minds as they are dealing with this issue, everything will turn out how it is supposed to.

Good luck.

This one is a very tricky question.
1 We don't know who the Bio father is.
2 He is Not a part of your decisions at this point.
3 You have no idea of the possible issues you are about to embark upon.
4 This could potentially turn all your lives upside down.
5 If the mother told your husband he was not the father. She will have to deal with the consequense of her decisions.
If this all should come to light. You and your husband will have some very very serious decisions on how this will effect Both of your lives and marriage. This is not just your husbands decisions it's both of yours as it wiil effect both of you. You should be a part of every decision.
I can tell you from past experience. This is not going to be easy no matter what decision you choose.
If things are rocky now you might want to work on your relationship before you go down his road.
We wish you luck.

I think your husband should make the first move. Ask for a paternity test -- that way he will know for sure if the boy is his. And it will make him look like the better person because he is pursuing the truth, not ignoring it or denying it.

I think you should feel good about not saying anything, and concentrate on your relationship with your husband. This is more between the other woman, her child, and him. She may have a lot of reasons for not involving your husband, and it is up to him if he is curious, or wants to be involved. I actually think it's better for everyone if a child has a relationship with both the biological parents, if they are all emotionally healthy, but it is up to them. If they bring it up then you will be able to take a support role. At 8 years old, it might be hard on the child, and so I'd let the parents he's living with decide. When he's an adult, perhaps your husband might tell him, and explain how difficult it was to handle.

I would really leave it up to your husband weather he wants to pursue it or not just be there and support him any way you can.

i agree with most of the other posters. if he asked, she said no, and he's okay with that, then you have to let it lie. it should be his call, and hers. unfortunately! also, you said yourself things are kind of rocky right now in your marriage. focus on getting yourself back on track with hubby, let him see you are in his corner whatever he decides. he will probably appreciate you trusting him to deal with it.

First of all, were you and your husband together/married at the time of this child's conception? If not, this isn't, shouldn't be a bone of contention in your relationship now. It will be if you keep nagging him about this boy.

Second, has the 'mom' reached out to your husband or one of his friends/relatives to find out where he is, to let him know of the possibility that this child might be his?

Third, now that your husband has been exposed to the possibility that he has another child does he want to connect with the child?

Eight years is a long time and there are many legal and financial obligations that could be retroactively applied to your husband. So, you need to consult a family law attorney. Somewhere down the road 'mom' could come asking for child support, support for his college education, health insurance... there are lots of ramifications, the least of which is your wrath because he was involved with another woman. Just because she's a single mom doesn't mean this child is missing out by not having a 'dad' in the house. She may have male friends and family who provide the testerone needed in this little boy's life. It maybe that the conception was a one night stand or that their relationship ended on such a sour note she'd rather not be involved with your husband. Have you considered why she hasn't contacted him, either while she was pregnant or after delivery? Maybe she didn't know who the father of this child was? And it's not your place to force her to find out unless you're willing to accept the challenges, the responsibilities (all of them) of raising this child.

Personally, I'd say let sleeping dogs lay, but now that you have questions, seek out a family law lawyer, soon. And then get some family counseling for you and your husband. If this child becomes a part of your family, then get some counseling for him and your kids. This is going to a huge change for all of you.

I would leave this one up to your Husband honestly. It is not just the fact that if it is his son he could own her 8 years of back child support, but he would need to be ready to be a real father. If he is not ready to give this child 100% just as he gives your children, he should not mess with the boys life or emotions. Tell him what you found, and then take a step back and let him do whatever he feels is right, and support him either way.

I would not pursue it. If your husband asked and she said no, then leave it at that. Why would you want to take on another child if the mother says it is not his? The little boy may be his, but it may be a coincidence that her son looks just like your husband. If she wanted your husband's help, she most certainly would have told him that he was the father. Good luck!

I'd say it's up to your husband. But, if you are having issues now, then bringing some kid into the mix is just going to make it harder for everyone. If this lady says it isn't his kid then I'd just leave it alone. She should know, don't you think? And even if the kid looks like your hubby, that doesn't mean it really is his. If your husband wants to find out for sure then talk to this lady and get a paternity test. But, if your husband doesn't want to do anything, then don't bother. Regardless, it should be up to your husband, not you. Good luck!

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If I were you, I would try and look at this from the other people's perspective. If you found out you had a child out there, how would you feel? I know that I would want to do everything that I could do to get to know that child and be part of their life while they are still young. Also try and look at it from the boy's perspective. I met my biological dad when I was 23. I don't really want to have a relationship with him now because I don't understand why he wasn't ever a part of my life. Eight is still really young. Really ask your husband about what he wants to do.

what does your husband want to do?

I think your husband needs to tell the mother of the child that he knows the child is his biologically. He needs to find out if the child has a father in his life, if she is making it okay if there isn't one, and respect what the mother has to say.
It's all about making sure everything is right for the child. She may have married and or have a man friend that has been there for the son. It may not be in the best interest of the child to get involved, after all he is already 8 years old. If he does contact her he needs to be ready to step up to the plate in any sense needed.

I think if your hubby doesn't want to pursue it and she said it wasn't his child, let sleeping dogs lie. It really is up to your hubby and/or the woman to make that connection, it's not as if your husband is denying that child is his and abandoning him. He was told it wasn't his child, so really what can you do? It's obviously closed to the two of them, right?

"WE" looked on facebook.... you and your husband were looking for info on her. Do you want to share your husband with this woman? She has raised him for 8 years. When did he ask her if the child was his? After you married him or before? What would you pursue? Does your husband want to offer to pay child support? Does he want to ask for visitation?
I'm not sure what advice you are asking for.

That's a tough one. I would not pursue it especially since your husband says that he doesn't want to--that is between him and his ex. But, I wanted to share the flip side of this too. There may come a day when this little boy may have suspicions of his own, so be prepared. Your story reminds me of my SIL who is the oldest of 6 kids. Throughout my SIL's life, she always felt like an outcast amongst her siblings. She didn't look like them or act like they did. Well, at the age of 55, her mother finally revealed to her that the man that she thought was her dad her entire ife until he died 20 years ago, was not her biological dad. Her mom knew all along, but never said a thing. Needless to say, my SIL was devastated and still, seven years later, cannot come to terms with it. This has put a huge rift between her and her mom, not to mention confusion with her siblings. I just hope that your husband is not this little boys father for those reasons.

Wishing you the best,

M

I wouldn't get involved. IF she already said the child wasn't his don't persue anymore than it needs to be. If later the child comes looking for your husband then it will all start there. I suggest to persue strengthening your relationship. Especially if in the future you might have an edition to the family.

you have many good answers to consider (I did not read all so sorry if this is a repeat)

My word of caution would be this: if the mom has raised him to feel it is not necessary to have a father or know said father it could be very emotionally disturbing for the child.

I raised my first son on my own with no desire to have contact with bio-dad. he was not a person I wanted around my son, his influence would not be a good one. so I raised him to know he was very loved with many uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, great-grandparents, and myself. he had a large family to love him and not every child "needs" a dad. that worked well for us, now that's he's 15 he has questions about his father, I always say if he wants to know he needs to ask him not me, I tell him we will find and contact him so he can ask, in the end my son always says the same thing, he's not ready to meet him yet.

I'd like to add that I have never spoke bad of his dad. I have always dodged the questions or said I didn't know or directed him to ask him personally.

it wouldn't necessarily be the worst thing for your husband to make contact with the mother and discuss the situation with her, (after you seek legal counseling) see what her point of view is before contacting the child.

Hi K.
I don't think it's up to you to intervene in this case. IF your husband believes that this is in fact HIS child, then I do think HE has a responsibility.. on the other hand, sounds to me like the child's mom is doing ok in that she didn't look you or "your" man up. I don't get the deal here.. why would you have even looked up this woman IF she already told your husband, this is not his child..
something sounds a little fishy here.. in that what purpose would you have in looking up a past girlfriend, further why would you even care about her.. especially since again, she said years ago this was not your husband's son..

i have a similar situation. I just found out my husband has a son, but he is 18. Neither of us knew about him before last month. He was raised by another man as his dad, but has known about my husband. his mother told him we did not know, but he still seems to feel why his father did not try to find him before now. he does not blame us but wants to know us.

If we had known about him sooner, we would have had him be a part of our family, good or bad. i am not sure if his life has been better not having us in it until now, but he has had a peice of himself missing this whole time.

Your husband needs to decide how he feels about this. he has a son or another son, depending on your own family situation. She could be selfish in wanting to keep him to her self and not share him with his dad (the bio-mom). but at some point he is going to have to deal with this. Now or when this child is 18 asking if you knew or had an idea they were father/son why he did not deal with it when he first really knew. Yeah it is not going to be easy. This changes things. You will either choose to find out for sure and deal with getting to know him, or you will have this hanging over you all waiting for this kid seeking the truth.

K., you must not leave this as it is.
If your husband is the birth dad then he needs to be responsible for his child. If he has been unfaithful then he needs to take responsiblity for that.
You can forgive him, but you may need to move on like Elizabeth Edwards.
There are husbands like Tiger Woods, but you`ll be hard pressed to find a woman that will put up with that.

My son and dil are going thru this right now, a yr ago this coming July they were contacted and told the nine yr old girl could be his...again FB comes into play, the mama saw some pics of my son that was killed and felt the child looked like him...it was a one night stand, agreed to on both sides and they were both drunk...mama thought it was the guy she was dating...paternity test proved otherwise and now the hell has begun.

I totally disagree with those that say let it go, if this is your husbands child better to know now....then in a few yrs when say the young man might be in trouble or wants the whys and how comes answered...if he is time to step up if he is not you won't ever have that knock at the door when he is 16 or 18 with the HI DAD where the hell have you been all my life? good luck