Dealing with Death

I believe Maria Schriver(Arnold Swartznager's wife) wrote a book about death for her children when a loved one died. The title had the word"Heaven" in it, but I don't remember the title. Try a local bookstore or Amazon.com, etc. Good Luck, hope this helps

There are some great books, even ones for Granpas dying. Reading the book a few times will help. There is also a wonderful children's bereavement center in town with an anticipatory grief group for kids going through the same thing. It is free. There is also a book on planning for a death for kids called My Special Book on Amazon. A video on this topic would be good as well. Good luck and God bless your family.

Dear M.:
In my opinion, it is OK to tell them that nobody knows the outcome of such a severe disease, so you may encourage them to spend some extra time with him and remind them not to act in a way that they may regret, if they never have a chance to see him again. Death is natural, but if it is foreseeable that the end is somewhat near, you can ensure that the memories are not guilt-ridden by what you said when you shouldn't have or vice versa.

I would not be to grave in my depictions, just tell them that grandpa may not have much time left on earth, so now they have a chance that many people don't: To be there for him in the end. Even if the doctor says it's going to happen tomorrow, I would not pinpoint a timeframe for the kids.

Point out, too, that he had a long and rich life so far. The kids may not be able to imagine his life span from before the time they were born.

Regards,
W.

Hello M.,

You didn't say whether you father-in-law is in hospice care, but it sounds like that would be a good option for him. Every hospice has a Social Worker who helps the family prepare for the patient's death, and this can usually include children as well. Another option would be to talk with them yourself, or read books such as "Badger's Parting Gifts", which deals with the subject. Your 9 year old will understand in a different way than your 6 year old, of course. They don't need daily details, but they do need an opportunity to ask questions and get honest answers.

S.

You cant prepare them for his death its hard enough for a child to deal with loss but having to wonder each day if this is the day will be harder on them then the loss itself. They are too young to go thru the daily worries if this will be the day they get the call that he has passed. I am very sorry and will add you to our prayers. Good luck

Hi! My father-in-law passed about a year ago January from cancer, and our kids are 14, 12 and 11 and my son's father passed away 2 years ago July, also from cancer. I honestly think honesty is the best policy in this kind of case. I was honest from the get-go and so when the time finally came that my son's dad passed away it wasn't quite SUCH a shock. Now, descriptives can be left to your own discretion, including details that only you and your husband need to know; try telling your kids in terms they would understand. State it simply,but don't say things that aren't true....I never believed in telling kids that "so and so is sleeping" (such as when they do pass away); young kids don't have a concept of time so if you tell them they're sleeping, that can be misleading and they will expect to see them when they wake up. Am I making any sense? I think when your kids get older, they will appreciate your honesty. Death is extremely hard to face for anyone, but I found that honesty is the best policy. Also, answer any questions they have in termsTHEY will understand; your 9 year old has probably figured out what's going on and that's okay. Don't be afraid to let him know; and like I said earlier, the extent of the details you give him probably depends on his ability to put into concept what's happening. Be honest with your 6 year old as well, but probably not so detailed. I'm sorry...I have a hard time putting into words what I'm thinking...I hope I have helped some. Please let me know how it's going. Good luck!

In my opinion kids are very insightful about these kinds of matters. And why shouldn't they be, they are still so innocent. Death unfortanatly is a natural process that we all must go through and depending on your spritial belifes, a progress to the next life. Does it still hurt when someone we love dies? You bet it does and it really sucks to be honest. However coming out in the open with it to your children now may give them time to prepare and ask plenty of question while everyone around them can still talk without the emoition of a loss that may have just happened, if you were to wait. I went to a memorial severs the other day for a 20 year old young lady who lost her battle of 3 1/2yrs. to cancer. The entire memorial was not about her "DEATH" it was about her "GRADUATION". You see the presented her loss of life here on earth with a victory won in Heaven. And she got to graduate to the next level. It was wonderful. Life really can be that simple when we teach it that way. Good luck. I'm sure you and your husband will make the decision that is best for your family. Just remember your father-in-law is still here, spend as much time with him now as you can.

My grandmother (in-law) had Alzheimer's. I've been with my husband for 14 years, so I knew her in the beginning stages. I even helped to care for her in the middle.

Our oldest daughter was 4 years old when she passed. Nana had been a constant presence in her life because we took our daughter to visit her at every opportunity.

Other mothers are not going to agree with me, but I don't believe in trying to sugarcoat the reality of death from our children. Death doesn't have to be anything scary and while we may be sad for the physical passing of a loved one, we are happy to know that the loved one is never truly gone. I was very sad when Nana passed but knew that it was better for her and conveyed that message to our daughter who... understood us. I let her know that even though we couldn't see and touch Nana anymore, we could still talk to her because those that we love are never truly gone.

She accepted this and has since mentioned that she still misses Nana, but then we discuss it and she is fine.

If I were ever ailing I would be completely up front with my kids at their current ages. My maternal grandmother died of bone cancer at 42. The last memory of her that my youngest aunt and uncle have is one of her crawling into the back seat of a cab and telling them that she would be home in a couple of days. At the hospital she asked for all of her children to be brought to her, but her sister (deciding what was best) felt that the younger children (12 and 8 respectively) were "too young" to experience the death of their mother. This has left devastating emotional scars and a tear in the family fabric.

I just don't think that people give children the credit they deserve to comprehend complex things. I think some kids are smarter than some adults I know... Just my POV.

Dear M., I am no psychiatrist, but I personally think you're doing the right thing already...being open with the kids. I think the best preparation is how you and your husband respond as you go. Sending the message that it is okay to grieve and have compassion and love a dear family member is all positive. All the best to you and your family.

I hope your kids and your husband will use this valuable time making good memories with your father-in-law. You will have to take a cue on how he is feeling at the time, but maybe playing checkers or cards is not too tiring, or even just visiting, but just taking every opportunity to say "I love you" is so very important. Regrets come too easily, especially if you do not get a chance to express your forgiveness and love.
Linda C

Hi M.,
I just lost my father to Melanoma (rough skin cancer.) We spoke to my 5 yr old daughter before my Dad was told that there was nothing else to do with his illness. At first she was okay even when he died. Around T. months later on our way to school she asked me "why did grandpa died?, he had muscles." Her statment made me cry. After that she asked me about T. more times and that was it. She remembers grandpa in a good way and knows he is in a better place where he is no longer hurting. We decided not to take her to the burial because she was 3 almost 4. We did not want her to experience that part.

I was also 5 when my maternal grandfather died. Saw him in the coffin. I feel okay with that. I am glad I saw him and put closure.

Every child is different. Good luck and hope everything works out ok.

Elisa M

my kids were 8,12,and 13 when my dad died.
He had heart problems and I knew he could not last too much longer. I never said too much to the kids. I just slowly weaned them from seeing him all the time. I know it sounds like I should have done the opposite but he could not babysit like he used to --it was just too hard for him. I did not want him to feel guilty or push himself. I did not want the kids to suddenly not be over there as much and feel like their world had suddenly altered drastically.

Then one day he died. We told the kids and it was really sudden so there was not a lot of prep talks or anything. My youngest would say sometimes "I miss grandaddy" and I would tell him I do too. And we would hug and remind each other that granddaddy was in heaven and much better off because now he could walk down a street without gasping, he could work in a woodshop making things and not get tired so fast, etc. It is a gradual process ands kids heal from these things much faster and better than we do. I think when it is a grandparent we are the ones hurting more because we just lost our parent, they lost their grand-parent....even if they are very close it is not the same. They still have you, their mom and dad who are very precious to them.

So just give the kids hugs and say granddad is not feeling so hot. They can sense and know that it is coming. They will watch you and see how you deal with grief and learn from that--that is the most important thing to remember. Deal with your own grief in a healthy way to show your kids how to deal with it.

Good luck

M.,
You can tell the kids about their granddad is about to die but trying to prepare them is going to make it worse,cause someone in my family has died and my 2 sons and my neice was asking so many questions.I can only say just tell them what is going on,and you may think your 6 year old may not know whats going on but believe me when I say he does.He just don't know the right questions to ask and how he should ask them you know what I mean.At the time when someone died in my family my neice was 6 going on 7 and her and my now 10 year old was asking every question that they can think of.We didn't know how to explain it but my sister and I did the best we can in answering all the questions that they had.

M.,
I'm sorry to hear about what you and your family are going through. I lost my dad to what started as prostate cancer 4 years ago. It was a really awful time. My son was 11 at the time and he knew that grandpa had cancer and wasn't doing real well. But i didn't say grandpa was going to die until the end when i had basically accepted it myself. My dad was doing well until just a couple mths before he passed away when it spread to the liver, and brain. So i did have to tell my son that grandpa was probably not going to make it. But i chose to be positive until then.. i wanted to spare him of such sadness and worry as long as possible. Then when hope was limited, he of course saw how much i was suffering. We continued to have hope and pray for grandpa but my son knew he wasn't doing real well. He was somewhat prepared, but not really... i think it's always a shock, once it really happens. I'm sure your 9 year old has an idea, knowing that cancer is not a good thing. It's just what you feel comfortable with. Here i thought my dad looked pretty bad and was worried about my son seeing him, and come to find out he didn't think grandpa looked bad at all. But at the very end, i chose not to bring my son to see him... that would be too painful and would of made even my dad uncomfortable for his grandson to see him that way. I'm sure you will know what to do, as best as you can.. it's a horrible situation regardless, i've been there. Again, i'm sorry you have to go through this and feel free to write me back.
I.

Hi, Do your boys have any kind of religious upbringing at all? If so then they should have a basic knowledge already about death and our spirits in our body. I have been in this situation before and how I explained it to my grand daughter was, our spirit lives in our body, when our body dies our spirit leaves our body and goes to meet Jesus in Heaven and all of our family that has gone on before us, even our pets. The pets thing usually makes the kids feel better to. That Grandpa lives on in spirit in Heaven and that some day we will see him again when our spirits go there to. That he will be happy there because it is such a wonderful place that God has prepared for us and that he won't be sick any more like he was here with us so we should be happy that he is not sick any more, even though we will miss him. Hope this helps some, don't know if you are Christian or not but it has helped me a lot. Best of Luck. R.

M., there's no greater gift than than of memories. make it a point to have your boys spend as much time with granpa as they can and capture the moments on film/video so they have something to remember. At this age, death is such an obscure idea that they won't really understand until it happens. The other thing you can do is to get ready for what your husband is going through with books like, "Final Gifts" and "Tuesday's with Morrie" this provide family members of terminally ill patients to get a glimpse of what the infermed person is going through and how to handle, with as much grace as possible, this inevitable transisiton. Best of luck to you and your family, I know you'll do great.

Hi M.,

Today is my birthday and when I read your question all sorts of emotions came in. I lost my mom when I was 10 so even though I am now in my 50's, I still know what your kids are thinking. Death is a natural part of life as birth is. Don't think that you have to explain EVERY detail but don't keep EVERYTHING from them.

It's like the sex questions. The best rule is KISS(keep it simple stupid!). Be open and be natural, don't set up a "talk", but talk to them about any questions they may have. Our imaginations are wonderful, but sometimes left without direction, it can be scary.

I have three children, all grown but the one thing my experience with death taught me was that I wanted to be open and truthful. Open that path of communication because believe me the questions they will have will surprise you. Most of the time they wonder if it was something they did, if it is something they are going to have to go through and just how it will change their life.

This is a wonderful opportunity for you to embrace REAL communication with your children.

A Healing Light...
LD

If you are a family that blieves that Jesus Christ is our Savior that purcahsed our everlasting life with The Heavenly Father, than they will have comfort in knowing that this part of your FIL's life is over but that he is going to live with Jesus and they will see him again one day. If you don't have this faith, I would love to talk to you about it if you have any questions? Relying on the sacrifice that Jesus made for us makes everything in life easier!:)

When my sister passed away suddenly in October it was quite a shock to all of us. My children and I talked about death and life. I asked the kids questions about what they thought happens when we die and then we talked about it. My 6 year old offered a lot of good insight and helped comfort my 7 year old twins. Children under 7 take things very literally. It is important to use clear speech. And although it still is hard for me to hear my kids say "My aunt is dead". It is easier for them to understand than "passed away". I think most important is to let them talk and ask questions. I told them that they can always talk about their aunt. They often see me crying and ask if I am sad because my sister died. I don't hide my feeling from them (I do cry in private at times). However I let them know that grief is natural and normal. Sometimes we try to protect our children from grief and hurt. However they handle it so much better than we often imagine. They day I found out that my sister passed away I dreaded them from coming home from school and telling them. (she was my only sister and the only aunt they have known) They all cried and were sad. They asked questions but then they went out to play. I then brought up the subject of my sister often to allow them the chance to talk about their feelings. You have the chance to do this prior to the actual event.

my opinion is to get the councilors at school involved. maybe your kids can talk to him or her once a week just to be able to talk if they need to. also, if you have a church, maybe they can talk to a youth pastor or an early education pastor of some type.

when my husbands grandmother died, my son was 7. we had all slowly watched her die. she had hospice care that came to her house and the nurses would be always around. my son kbasically knew what was going on. as a baby and toddler, up untill he started kinder, he would spend weeks at a time with her while my husband worked and went to school. i traveled with my job at the time so he would spend tons of time with her. she passed away in august and when he went back to school, we talked to the councelor the day before school about the situation and she followed through with him weekly or every chance she got to call him in or passing in the hall.

good luck!

Death is part of life. Check your library for good books. I think there's a good novel by Patricia MacLachlan about it even though it is too old for your children. There are also good books for small children, both fiction and non-fiction. Part of this depends on your own personal take about death. Myself, I believe in heaven and so it's pretty easy to explain about going to live with God and how nice it will be but that I probably won't be going there for a long time.

My grandmother is also out of treatment options and we are helping to care for her at home. My boys (5 and 2) are aware that she is dying. The five year old has asked quite a bit of questions about death, and I just try to keep the answers simple but direct. I do take him to church and so we can talk about what we believe as well. It's not easy, but death never is, and they are aware and have questions. God Bless your family.

M.,
My step father died from cancer when my daughters were 5 and 2 and my son was 1. There is really no way to prepare a child from the death of a loved one. We did not tell the children although we knew when he had only 3 months to live. My oldest still remembers things of him but the youngest two do not. She doesn't cry and didn't have alot of questions at the time that he died although I thought she would since he lived with us before he died. I think telling them would make it worse end the end.
Aside from that, he will be in my prayers and your family as well.

My grandfather passed away Dec. 29. He lived in my parents guest home. They live next door. He was a very large part of their daily routine. He had Alzheimer's. He had been in the hospital for a while then we moved him to hospice. The children were always told the truth and we tried to do it in a positive manner ---like he's going to see MaMaw, etc. My children cried themselves to sleep eveynight for a month. They could not stay at school for cryinf so hard. Their mourning was unbelieveable. THey both said that he was their best friend. I am not sure where you live. However, there is a place in Mid County (Nederland) called Elijah's Place. Their # is ###-###-####. Tom Broussard of Broussard's Mortuary recommended them to me. He is on the board and helped them set up the group. I believe it is free. It is through Catholic Charities but you don't have to be Catholic to use their services naturally. We have had to put our children in private counseling. Prepare your children, be honest, but have a plan for afterwards. I did not have a plan for after he passed away. Do you and your husband a favor and have one. You may go ahead and call Elijah's Place and ask them if they do any kind of pre-death counseling. I have no idea if they do. Your family is in my prayers. My heart aches for you.

Hi M.,
I guess my advice would be to be as honest with the kids as possible. You don't have to give them the goory details, but they should realize Grandaddy is probably in alot of pain and he really needs alot of love right now. Let them know it will be hard to be without him, but just like he has been there for them, they should be there for him. I can certainly see them pulling away, I think that is a human character, if you do that, it doesn't hurt as much when they are gone. Death is hard for adults to deal with but I would think much more for kids. I mean how can someone be here today and then not here anymore tomorrow. Does you family have a certain faith? They be able to relate if they realize that we are created to be here for only awhile and our bodies are not made to last forever. Good luck with all of this and I will be thinking about your family as they go through this change.

M.,

It is very OK for you to take your children to be with their grandfather. It will make his days brighter and as they get older they will come more remembering him. It is OK to tell them he is sick and that he is being called to another life from here on earth. I do not know if you believe in God or not so that is why I stated it that way. They are old enough to start trying to understand. Life has it's circle. That we can not change. There is a beginning and an end. For him his end will be because of cancer, an illness. If you don't start trying to prepare them, that is when they don't learn and start having many questions and you feel over whelmed because you just don't know what to tell them. The truth is easier them keeping it from them. That way they know that every minute they spend with him is a treasure. Hospice also has a wonderful counceling program that can help you. They are a wonderful program for helping all they way around for those who are dying. We had them with my father-in-law. Most certainly do not regret it at all.

S.

Good Morning M.. I am truly sorry to hear of your father-in-law's illness. Before I respond to your question, may I ask what your religious beliefs are?

I. M.

There are some wonderful books out there to help deal with this topic and young children. Elizabeth Kubler Ross has written some parent text stuff but you can also find some nice picture books for kids. I am from australia and the book shop there I used was called Open Leaves (on the web with .com.au as the tail),had a great list of books to use, I'm sure your library could help? One I recall was titled dan's Grandpa I think, about an aboriginal family but nice imagery and gentle approach. I think the best thing is to be open and answer any questions they have, and I don't think you can be too prepared, I think the sooner the better to introduce the idea of the passing of time and seasons and to begin addressing the idea of loss in line with whatever your belief system is, so they will have a framework for dealing with this loss if and when it arises for them. Including them in the process is also important according to the researchers, so attending the funeral if they want to do so.
I wish you the calm amnd composure you may nneed to help you children deal with this while managing your own griefs,
regards,
D.

I am a 36 year old mom with 4 kids and I lost my husband in 2006 and my children age 17, 16, 15, and 9 all watched him suffer with cancer everyday. I think at the age your children are they understand more than we as adults give them credit for. I explained to my kids that their dad was going to much better place where he didn't have to suffer anymore and that where he was going he wouldn't be sick or hurt anymore. I have remarried to a man that own's a funeral home so i deal with death everyday and i think that talking about it and getting it out in the open is very theraputic. They are going to miss him but they will cherish the memories that they have. I will keep you in my prayers.

pfh

Here is a story that might interest you. Don't give up, God answers prayers;

"January 3, 2008

On December 12, 2007 my Mom left Methodist Medical Center in despair. Enedina age 87 soon in January turning 88 has just been release after been in the Methodist Medical Center in San Antonio Texas for a full week. She had a blood transfusion, which help tremendously except that the doctor recommended to be taken to a Hospice facility in Eagle Pass, Texas for the reason that she had terminal cancer. She had cancer in her liver stomach and kidney. The doctor told family that she had two weeks to live. She told the doctors that she didn’t want the chemo. She figure she was getting too old to whitened that kind of treatment. As her condition progressed, Enedina became very week. She could barely walk, had no energy, was ashen gray, and pail. She was very depressed and so was I. I told my good friend Bruce, which know I call him Bruce the Juice. He immediately recommended for my mom to try some of these mangosteen juice and been that he himself had been diagnose with cancer, he was introduce to mangosteen juice by a friend and Bruce has been cancer free for twenty years. Bruce told me about the scientific research reports they had read about the Garcinone E xanthone in the pericarp of the Mangosteen fruit. They had spoken with the doctors who told them there were no guarantees on mangosteen’s healing powers. It was recommended that she continue with her doctor and if she would drink 25 ounce bottle of mangosteen extract everyday for twenty one days, along with a gallon of distilled water every day, then cut back to six ounces a day of mangosteen juice and be re-tested. She was not able to drink the 25 ounces a day like recommended for the reason that had already lost her appetite and she would fill up with very little food and drink. now she can drink and eat anything.

Enedina is feeling and looking great. She has her strength and life back. She is out of the wheel chair and soon will leave her walker. Best X-mas and New Years ever. My mom’s health was the best present for me.

I am so thankful to God and we are especially thankful for Bruce for introducing us the mangosteen juice.

M.,
This is just one story of many we have heard of how this mangosteen juice by XanGo has helped many cancer patients.
We are not suggesting it is a cure, this is not a drug, it is a fruit, a fruit juice with powerful antioxidants called xanthones.
I suggest you look into the science of it on www.pubmed.gov , research it and maybe this will help your family.

I lost my bestfriend and sister in law to this years ago, before i heard of this wonderful God given fruit, and nothing prepared us. I will have you and your family in our prayers.

thank you,
Oly

I am so sorry that your family is having to deal with this tragedy. I am glad that you have a little time to prepare and make any peace that is needed/possible. This is a very difficult process for all of you (losing a father, father-in-law, grandfather, and the process of cancer).

The reality is that your boys will have drastically different understandings of what is happening due to their age differences and the fact that each person reacts differently to loss.

Here in Houston, there is an amazing organization called Bo's Place. They offer free services for grieving. They also have a tremendous ammount of resources on their website. Check it out and see if any of it seems like a good fit for you, your husband, and either son....

http://www.bosplace.org

Good luck.

My advise is to see if Granddaddy is a believer in Christ Jesus. If he is tell your boys simply he is going to be with lord and one day if they to make that decision to be a follower thay will walk with him. andthough we will be missing him down here he will not be missing anything down here. So know that he will always be with them in thier hearts and that this is a good thing. no more pain and discomfort. That Heaven is so much better than here so be Glad. Make sure they verbally tell Grandaddy how they feel about him let him reassure them.