My Girlfriend Is Having an Affair....

ETA: OR maybe the reason she has no friends and isn't close with her own family is BECAUSE she a liar and a snake? Just a thought.

Let me get this straight....
She complains that her husband busts hump to provide for her and the 3 kids (two of them special needs). He lives away 5 days of the week and she's lonely. And bored. Right?
Oh--I see, she wants to have her cake and eat it, too!
Is she 12?

Hope she's educated and can get a great job, cause otherwise it's going to be a long life working waiting tables AND paying childcare.
Then she won't have time to be lonely and bored.
And maybe her husband can find someone willing to appreciate his hard work and providing capability.

How about you suggest marriage counseling?
Otherwise, I'm going to bet that her unfolding reality will be enough for her to see her mistakes.

ETA: I should add this: I don't believe 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. I do believe people have the power to change themselves if they have the true desire to do so. Maybe your friend will realize this on her own.

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S., I can read that you have a lot of sympathy for your friend. That said, I also feel like you are buying into a 'poor me' story. I know people who do have special needs children who do maintain adult contact and adult friendships. They know how to be in relationships with other adults.

I think your friend is missing some of these skills and may have some other, deeper problems. Currently, she is only thinking of herself. She isn't willing to be faithful to her husband and she won't divorce him because it would be hard for *her*. Has she made any attempt to fix what is missing inside herself? Because at some point, when the distraction of the affair wears off, she's still going to be left being her own self, still stuck, because she's putting her energy into outside relationships when she should be focusing on her family.

She doesn't need more friends-- she needs to be honest with herself and her husband about their relationship and what they need to do to improve things. I'm a pretty good, straight-up friend to my friends and I tell them the truth, not what they want to hear. "I think you need to figure out things with your husband and your own self before you engage in another relationship. I know you are enjoying this now, but what do you really think this will come to?" I wouldn't even entertain the idea that the husband also might have a little something on the side as well--- that's a bs way of thinking and deflects responsibility from your friend. I personally have a very low opinion of cheaters... if they are willing to sacrifice a marriage to a man who supports them and works hard all week for a little fun, they will likely throw friends under the bus too. Who wants that sort of drama?

Oh, and listen, you already said that trust is a question mark in this friendship, which makes me think that you need to listen to your own internal compass. I wouldn't maintain a year-long friendship with someone I didn't trust. And if I don't trust you, you don't fall into the friend category. Maybe that's something for you to think about-- why are you so enmeshed and feeling you would be 'abandoning' her, even when she knows that what she is doing is outlying behavior? If I was engaging in activities which made my friends uncomfortable, but I knew this and yet, kept turning to them and making it their business, I wouldn't be surprised if they sort of stopped showing up. I think true friends don't put each other in the position of validating their poor choices.

If it were my friend I would let her know that I believe she is treading in deep and dangerous waters, and that I don't agree with what's she doing (out of love for her and her family). I would also pray alot for her.

I would not judge her or dump her as a friend. Would I get dragged into her shenanigans? No.

When you're in a hole in life, a good friend will hand you a shovel, and cheer you on while you dig your way out. They won't stand there feeling superior because they didn't fall in the hole, nor will they jump in the hole with you to the point that both of you need rescuing.

Being a true friend is tricky.

Hope you have wisdom and clarity.

I would tell her that she is harming her children. She needs to make every effort to ensure an intact family for her children, and having an affair is extremely harmful to a marriage, even if the husband never finds out.

An absent husband is no excuse. The guy is working to support his family, for crying out loud. If she's so lonely, she should get some friends or hobbies.

Jeez, the more I think about this, the more incensed I get. She's got kids to think of. She should not break up their home over something as shallow and unrealistic as an affair.

Tell her to grow up.

A few years ago I lost a friend because she kept sleeping with married men. She's single, so she saw no problem with it. WHAT?!?! Yea, I told her my opinion and we no longer speak. Her choice and I'm FINE with that.

I don't really care what is going on in her life or marriage, she should leave him if she is having an affair. What a crappy thing to do.

There are a couple of things I want to say...

1) Are you asking for help to know how to proceed with your friendship?

2) Are you asking for advice because SHE wants it OR is this for you?

As women, we can relate to what life feels like when we have kids, a marriage, etc. You are showing a great amount of empathy. But, careful. Don't invest so much energy into this so that you hop on this roller coaster with her.

If you recommend anything, it should be therapy. If her marriage survives this, it's gonna take a lot of work.

Be a support to her and be a voice of reason for her. I don't think it was right of you to encourage a divorce. Divorce does not necessarily bring happiness and it certainly brings unhappiness to the children. He's distant, not abusive. And why is he gone and tired? Because he is the breadwinner supporting his family- and you encourage her to punish him for working and providing?
I get that things are not perfect, and she is unhappy. But she would do better to change her perspective and her attitude than seek excitement and validation outside of the marriage. Thats what you should tell her.
She's sad because she's alone and he does not want to recreate on weekends? Really? She'll be sad with as a single mother of three kids and no resources to recreate. The logic of this is terrible.

Encourage her to stick it out and work to make it better with him. There was a really interesting study done with unhappily married people. The two groups were the ones who stayed married and the ones who divorced. The divorced individuals were far more likely to be unhappy, 5 years later. The married group had after 5 years in large majority worked out their issues and reported being quite happy. Divorce usually does not end in happiness. I'd tell her that.

Be her friend, her sounding board, and a voice of reason. No, I would not abandon her. Thats not the moral high ground here. Encouraging her to make her marriage work is.

What kind of advice is she asking for exactly? Does she want to know how to tell her husband how unhappy she is? Does she want to know how to file for divorce? Does she want advice on how to keep the lies up and not get caught? What?

It seems to me that she doesn't really want advice at all, but one of two things: Either permission, or someone to tell her it's not ok. So, be honest about it. Tell her (when she starts in with whatever it is she is actually saying to you that makes you think she wants "advice") that really she is looking for one of two things : approval/permission, or someone to tell her to stop/no. Does she still want your "advice"? If so, then tell her. You think what she is doing is wrong.
Sure her life is difficult and she is struggling. But escapism isn't the answer. It isn't right and it isn't fair. If she wants things in her life to change, she has to change them, and speak up about her needs. To her husband--not someone else.

If she says no, I don't want any advice (after you present the two choices) then don't give it. Change the subject when she strays into territory that sounds too much like approval and sympathy for the added stress of her affair.

Sorry.

Personally...I'd tell her to do what makes her happy, and leave it alone.
You never know what someone's situation is, and if being with someone else right now is what makes her happy - and she is aware of all of the consequences - then leave her be.
Sometimes it's something like this that forces someone to figure things out.
Just do her a favor and don't judge and don't talk about it to anyone else.
She trusted you. Please respect that.

If had the marriage problem that you described, my reaction would be to do anything and everything to help my husband get a different job that allows him to be around his kids and me for a decent amount of time, and without being so exhausting he can't function on his downtime. It would not cross my mind that the "solution" would be having an affair. So it's just a guess that your friend is justifying her affair with her sob story.

Not that any of that matters anyway. The only choice you have to make is whether or not you want to continue her friendship when she's made such unethical choices. Can you be her friend if she never mentions the affair again? Can you not get past her decision to hurt her husband and put her kids in such a precarious position as well? Does it not really bother you that much? No right answer, just something for you to decide. Good luck.

ETA: ...her hands are full with three kids, two with special needs, she takes care of them by herself 5 days a week, and she has time for an affair? I can't understand that math. I don't even have time for proper laundry, and I have an amazing partner/helper in my husband.

I had a great friend who was cheating on her spouse. Over the years I became friends with her husband too. I had to pull away and we are no longer friends. I could not stand to hear about her boyfriend that she was having an affair with and I just felt so bad for her husband who really didn't deserve to have a cheating wife.