My Friend's Manners

It is sad to say that some people don't feel the need to have manners. Sometimes, these people have some kind of an inner belief that if they say they "Thank You" to people and show their appreciation, they are accepting the "need" for that person and their service - hence, they are not sufficient on their own - lowering their status. Is sounds unbelievable I know, but there is something about bringing themselves to the level of the service provider taking away their status. By tipping them well, they are establishing their status with money while "thanking" them which doesn't knock them down from their pedestal. The services provided to them are "expected" because of their high status and somehow those people (service providers- servers, door openers, etc) owe them those things. That is an analysis that isn't easily noticed. Your friend may need to learn more about accepting everyone equally even moreso than manners. Find a way to tell her lovingly that although she has earned her way to her status, that we all are the same in God's eyes. We all need to be shown value, validation and worth. They are basic human needs despite status. I pray you will be able to convey that to her without making her feel that you are putting her down because otherwise, you would be doing the exact same thing with her. This one won't be easy, buy you can do it!

It may be a personal decision, but...

I was brought up on good manners, as well. I still thank people, whether they be waiters/waitresses, helpful clerks in a store, or anybody who does something nice for me. I was brought up that way. It's sad to think our manners have become less important. Yes sir, no sir, yes ma'am, no ma'am. Where did those phrases go?

Do what makes you feel good. Somebody out there just might truly appreciate your kind words. Kindness never hurt anyone. Years ago, some young boss of mine had been rude to me when I told her I needed to go for a ultrasound to keep an eye on my baby. She replied to me, "Oh, what are you looking for, me to dangle a carrot?" It cut me deep, as I had lost my first baby in my seventh month, and the doctor was just keeping a good eye on me. It was something she didn't know about, but her unkindness hurt me.

So, look at your words, as though you might be "making somebody's day" by being kind. It's not only rewarding when you see someone smile, but it gives me my own self-esteem.

God bless you!

A good reason to thank your waiter? Because they are human beings and share this planet with us!! There is a saying I will probably misquote because I don't know it verbatim, but basically it's that if a person is not nice to waiters then they are not a nice person. (I think I read it somewhere once on dating advice-- that no matter how nice your date is to you, watch how they treat the waiter to get a full glimse into who they really are.) The way people treat "wait staff" speaks VOLUMES about their character. I disagree with anyone who says thank yous are over rated. Human beings need to take the time to make eye contact with others and smile. If a man holds a door for her, does she ignore him and walk through because it's his job as a gentleman to hold the door? Chances are she (hopefully) says thank you. Giving someone money to show your appreciation is NOT an excuse to have bad manners and be a snob. Her reasoning makes it sound like she treats wait staff like they are a sub-class of human beings who don't deserve the time of day from her, as long as she forks over some cash. I don't know her line of business, but I know in the corporate world if you are in managment you are less likely to have high turn over from your staff if you treat them well, so she needs to start getting it that nearly all people have feelings and enjoy being treated like they exsist. She needs to brush up on her Emotional Intellegence (there are plenty of books on it) -- if you believe the hype, they say that your EI will get your further in life than your IQ.

Hi K.,

It's simple: No one is "better" than anyone else, despite the need by some to feel that they are. That kind of perceived power is not genuine.

Saying thank you is a common courtesy. Sorry to say it, but the attitude that your friend has is one of the reasons why our society has deteriorated when it comes to being kind to others.

We say thank you to people because we appreciate something they have done for us--period.

And, no one ever said that 'thank yous' and good tips are mutually exclusive of each other--tell your friend to do BOTH and jump on the path to becoming a better person just for the hell of it!!

Good Luck!

p.s. And "Thank You" for posting! ha ha

K.,

I think your answer is in the body of your letter. I too am in my late 30's.

She has NEVER been thanked - so she doesn't know how to thank others.

I spent many years in corporate america and was never thanked. I also spent many years as an independant consultant and was never thanked.

So after I realized that if it was to be it was up to me. I have now built a team of people that know I mean business.....but that I appreciate them sooooo much.

So I feel your friend has been missing the "Thank You" in her life -so she cannot transend it into the lives of others.

Feel free to further contact me.

A.

i was a server for seven years and i didn't care about the thank you's as much as the tips. i think respect should be given to all people regardless of what they do but the thanks and over politeness is overrated. money talks.

K.,
I think you are a really nice person. No matter that it is the waiter's job to pour water, or bring dinner.. it is always nice to say thank you. Too bad more people don't do it for every little thing.

Wouldn't it be nice if you did a good job at work and the boss said "Hey, thank you, that is good work". Our society has lost the ability to just be thankful. We all think we 'deserve' good treatment and are "entitled" to service. When the fact is that we don't actually deserve anything.

A small "thanks" or "Thank you" when someone does something for us -- even if it is their job to do so -- is just a nice thing to do. It makes the person doing the job feel good, and likely inspires even better service. I can tell you - having worked in service type jobs, that it is always nice to have someone smile, say thanks, and just be nice. Those people get the best service - the most thoughtful service and the most attentive service.

If you friend appreciates good service -- she should say thanks. If more people smiled and said thanks.. it would just be a nicer world.

My 11 year old grand-daughter just commented that we don't really know the person's job responsibilities and they might be doing something "over and above" and should be thanked.

What ever you do.. DON'T let her make you stop saying thank you. All of us -- no matter what we are doing -- like a little appreciation. It makes everybody feel good.

Bless you,
M.

Your friends actions are a direct result of her upbringing and financial status. But here is where her logic goes awry, in not all jobs in which people are doing us a service require tips. For example, at Publix the people who take your groceries to your car are not allowed to take tips. Using your friends theory, it would be down right rude not to say thank you. Its a simle show of appreciation...but yes a nice tip speaks volumns too. But thats not everyone can do that. Ask your friend what she would do if she no longer had the kind of money she does.

OMG, could you possibly be friends with 2 of my young friends as well. LOL. I am 38...but I have a couple of friends in their 20's that I've been friends with for years now. Two of them in particular...have on occasion embarrassed me for the disrespect of waiters/waitresses...it kills me. I have even apologized for their behavior, blaming it on the alcohol (involved in both the occasions that I can remember clearly). The answer in my opinion, is that in ALL situations you treat every human being with respect. PERIOD. They may not always do the same to you...but that should not hinder you from being kind. Karma is a b---- and God has a long memory...so just remind your young friend in a gentle way that this is someone's parent, grandparent, child...and they may have had a long day and a smile and a thank you from her could really lift their spirit; even if just a little. Good luck and God bless you...Love, B.

Unfortunately, some people just are not courteous and appreciate others. It happens more and more in today's world. Even customer service when you go into a store or a restaurant act like they don't want to be there and don't even say hello. It's sad. But to answer your question, I have no answer. It's just something that should be done to show appreciation and thankfulness to another human being when they've been helpful and kind to you.