Hello everyone,
Last night I received a text message from a friend of mine who I've known for 2yrs. When I read the message I was a little shocked. The message went as follows:
Hey I"ve decided I'm not moving to North Carolina anymore I want to move to VA because it's more of a city feeling. My boyfriend and I will be going down real soon to stay for a month but I'm only taking the two smaller kids(ages 1 & 2) and my mother will keep the two oldest(ages 9 & 7). However, I wanted to know if you can keep the oldest for a month. I will come to Jersey and register her in school and send her things with her.
The 9yr old is like a daughter to me, she has spent so much time with our family over the past 2yrs we have grown really fond of her. I'm a very very giving person and I always help a person in need(especially children because they are helpless in certain situations). Eventhough I don't think every part of my friend lifestyle is healthy I don't judge her, I try my best to uplift her. What should I do in this situation? My little God daughter is so different when she's with me(she's happy) when she's with her grandmother/mother she doesn't act like a 9yr old little girl(she acts more like 21). What do you guys think?
JUST WANTED TO UPDATE SOME THINGS: The reason we always text eachother is because she doesn't have a cell phone with a monthly plan but she has unlimited texting. I honestly don't understand why not wait until the kids are out of school so the family can maybe take the vacation together. As a mother I could never leave my children with anyone longer then 2days so I don't understand how she could do it for a month. Of course I'm a very loving and loyal person(but what if it wasn't me). There are so many bad things going on in the world I just want to help out if I can make a small difference in someones life. When she's around us she does things that a 9yr should be doing such as...playing with dolls, lip gloss, card games, etc. When she's home she's more concerned about what clothes or shoes she has on. I'm just very confused about what I should do.
Why isolate the oldest? Lot of questions run thru my mind. Does she not trust the boyfriend with the 9yr old? Is she of a different father? It doesn't sound right that as a mother she is willing to take all her children except the oldest!
I wouldn't want to split up the two older kids. It's going to be hard enough as it is for them to be away from their mom but then to also be seperated from their siblings too? I would reply to her text and tell her to call you about this. You need to find out more information like why can't she wait until schools out, why would she want to split up the two older kids, etc. I know it's a lot to put on you but would you be willing to take both older kids in? Also, she would need to pay you money each month for the girls food and needs. I'm like you, I would help a child no matter what poor decisions their parents make but you need more information before you commit to this. Good luck!
I don't feel good about this situation at all. This friend of yours needs to be less concerned about where she is going to be living with her boyfriend and more concerned about providing a stable and consistent home life for her 4 children. It totally sounds like a plotline for abandonment for me. I am having a hard time understanding how she can move away with her boyfriend without her children for a month and break up the family like that. Are you sure she is going to come back for them?
If I were you, I would not give her an answer but, instead, pepper her with hard hitting questions -- and don't be nice about it because this woman probably needs a hard dose of reality and common sense thinking. Questions like:
"So you feel comfortable with moving to another state for a month without your four daughters. How do you think they are going to handle this?"
"Don't you think your girls are going to feel abandoned by what you are doing?"
"Aren't you going to feel horrible when your 1-year old starts [talking] and you are not there?"
"Tell me again why you can't take your daughters with you to Virginia again."
"How are you going to feel if there's an emergency with any one of your daughters and you are not there? How do you think your daughter's going to feel?"
I would put her in the hot seat and I would grill her. I would ask her those uncomfortable questions that she needs to think about. I don't know her so I could be totally jumping to conclusions here, but she needs to be less of a girlfriend and more of a mom. I would not readily agree to watching her daughter for her. There are mom's who abandon their children. If she happens to be one of them, I would not make it so easy for her to do so.
Just my thoughts on this.
I find it shocking that someone would ask such a monumental favor in a text message.
You didn't actually say whether or not you wanted to host her. Follow your heart, do what feels right. If you are not sure and have questions or concerns, jot them down and CALL your friend to talk them through. Don't do it unless it feels right.
I would find it worrying that she is being so casual about a month of taking care of her child, nor do I understand moving somewhere for a month and putting your kids through a month of school in a new town away from your mother, then moved hours away... not the best interest of the kids. Perhaps you could talk her through the decision again, and encourage her to keep the kids with her, and enroll them where they will be living.
If she has the money to move two kids and a boyfriend out of state then she could have afforded a few dollars for a non-plan covered phone call to ask such an important question!
As another poster stated, this move seems very spontaneous. She needs to wait until summer so the whole family can move together. To move just to get a 'city feel' in the middle of a school year (twice) is just irresponsible unless there is no other possible way.
I realize you may love her daughter and want what's best for her but you have to be careful that you do not become an enabler to her mother (your friend).
I agree that this sounds a little fishy and that the 9 year old will be staying for a lot longer if you accept her in your home. Sounds like she is trying to put herself in a situation where its just a 4 person family. Enrolling her in school for a month and sending her things with her is weird. I would never pull my child from a school mid year to go to another one for a month and then another one when they move? The insurance question is a good one along with something saying you are a temporary guardian for her if she has to go to the dr. And also what if they drop her from their insurance all together? I think a lot more needs to be discussed if she doesnt have a cell phone with a plan she needs to go to a friends or something and call.
Well, it sounds like you are very close with the 9 year old. This is probably why her mother asked you if you'd like to have her visit for a month. She thought it would be a good situation for her and that you would enjoy her company. If that's true, then say yes.
You can't do anything about the mom's decision, so don't even think about what you think she should do. She's doing what she thinks is best, that's what we all do.
Hmm...if it were summer, I'd say go ahead and do it. But, it's the school year. I can't imagine her changing schools just for a month to turn around and change schools again when she moves. And where is she moving after that month? There are a whole host of questions I think I'd be asking the friend. First, why aren't they taking all the kids? Second, where are they staying in VA for a month? Why are they just staying for a month if they want to move there?
It really sounds to me like there's a lot going on below the surface here. I can't imagine asking something like that in a text message. It seems like she should have at least picked up the phone and called. I would call her back and get more details about what's going on before I committed to anything.
Like you, I always want to help little ones in need. It would be hard to say no, no matter what the circumstances are.
The whole thing sounds nuts. Who goes anywhere and stays a month to get a feel of the place? It's more like a vacation unless they have jobs there. And why divide the kids? Won't the 7 year old feel left out and the 9 year old feel shipped off? I'd txt her and say" get to a phone and call me we need to discuss in more detail your request and decison". Wow, is all I can say.
If you are spiritual, I would pray about it. That is a really big commitment. Do you feel comfortable being responsible for her daughter's well-being and safety? Making sure she gets all her needs met etc.? How will your children react? Do they get jealous when you are watching her? I would write the pros/cons for your family and you and see where it leads you....
M
i would take her. however the mother sounds very self involved. the child would benefit and would help her realize not everyone is like her
mom
Well, it's really up to you. But personally, I don't think it's an appropriate request.
Why can't she take all of her kids with her?
And why would YOU have to take one of them? Isn't there family?
Just seems too much, to me. If she can't take her WHOLE family with her for her (seemingly) random decision to move somewhere, then she should pick somewhere else to move.
I kept a friend's child, 9, for 2 weeks last year, M. had a graduation and a wedding in another state. Even though all the paperwork was filled out I still had problems getting him picked up from school. I prayed he didn't get sick.
He is a good boy but not mine, he is also 9. So he did 9 year old things, he hid broken toys, pouted at dinner, wanted this or that. I only had him for 2 weeks. Wet the bed and didn't tell me.
It was hard, even though I love this little guy dearly, he wasn't mine and we did things differently. He missed M. so much, although she called every night.
So you could do this, be aware that living with you is much different than staying the night and coming for playdates. She will miss M. and not be so sure of your rules.
I think in this case she is looking to get rid of the kids to be with the boyfriend and is looking to you to help her out, it isnt' an emergency or a planned affair that children arent' invitited to. I think I would say no, not this time.
It's very simple - if you are mentally and financially able to care for her for a month, then do it. If not, then don't. However, if you decide to do it, will your friend give you food money for her daughter? If not, be prepared for your grocery bill to go up that month.
Also, someone made a good point - why did she text you this very important question?? She should have called you!
I would pick up the phone and call your friend b/c this just doesn't sound right. She sounds flaky, which is fine but when you have two school-aged children involved you can't just move them around the country and hop schools.
Find out from her EXACTLY what her plan is and whether or not you are willing/able to take-on the care of another child for a month. If grandma lives in the school district where the child is now... that's where she needs to stay until the move.
I am sorry but this sounds like a really sad situation. Why on earth would she be leaving two of her children behind? What's the story on this? Is she ill, broke, on drugs? I don't want to judge but I think she is being very irresponsible. Where is the bio dad? Who has legal custody of the kids? Sounds to me like a DCFS call to get the family dynamics straightened out. Unless you have something legal set up isn't that child abandonment?
Well, it's nice you want to help. This whole situation sounds very strange to me. Would she abandon her child with you? Are you going to end up being her guardian? Why would she want you to just keep the 9 yr old and not both the 7 and 9 yr old? Can't your friend be away from the boyfriend for a month? Can the boyfriend do the moving research without her? Where are they staying? Do they have a Realtor to help them find a house/rental? There are just so many questions. Go ahead and do her a favor if you want, but I get a feeling this could end up being more than a 1 month situation. Make sure you have authorization to handle any medical problems that might come up.
I think you need to talk to her (as she should have done instead of a text). If not via phone definately in person (which is ideal anyway). This is a big deal. Where does her mom live? You need more specifics if you are considering saying yet.
WOW....I would be torn as well. As a friend you don't want to enable her to do something that she shouldn't do by tending to her daughter but if she's going to get someone to watch her no matter what, then I would take her knowing she'll be safe. My Mom did that for my friends all the time growing up. My friend's parents didn't see things the way you and I do...I didn't leave my kids with anyone but my sister until they were around 10 and then only with close friends for emergency situations....
You may want to ask her the same thing you said to us....why not wait and make it a family vacation together. Understand you have liability in this situation that is different than a family relation. If she's unstable and you do something that she doesn't like, this could be a mess. However, you will have some input into this child's life and she'll probably never forget you.
I agree with the other moms that you need to find a way to actually talk to her. Let her find a land line that you can call. Remember you can do a lot BUT you don't have to do anything. It does sound like a squirrely situation. My adamant advice is don't do anything that will harm YOUR home.
God bless,
M.
