My Four Year Old Back Talking

At four, they are out of the stage where they don't have their words and are entering the stage where they are starting to flex their muscles and exercise their will. For me, this has kind of been a tricky stage, because I want them to start making choices, but I don't want them to think that their entire world is up for negotiation. With my kids, a lot of the times these things would happen because they are wanting more control of things. They are "big" boys and girls and are wanting to assert that. At the same time, I don't tollerate disrespect. I say all of that to say that I think it is a combination of consistent discipline and setting up the right environment for him to feel more independent.

This is a good age to start making a standard set of house rules and expectations that are posted on the wall. There should be a SET corresponding consequence for misbehavior and rewards for obedience to the rules. Go over them with him and once they are in place be really consistent. One warning, because at this age he is still really impulsive, and then a consequence. The only one I would make an exception for is the sticking the tongue out. He knows he is being disrespectful, so it's right to time out. Sometimes when I see someone post "we've tried everything" my first thought is that person hasn't tried anything long enough to make the point. If you go from consequence to consequence then you come across as unsure and inconsistent then it all becomes a game of "what will they do if".

The other thing is to start to give him responsibilities and choices. Have "chores" for him, or things he does to help mommy. Things like giving him a baby wipe and letting him "dust" the furniture or wipe down his towels, or folding the wash rags and hand towels. Sorting socks is helpful, and can be fun and educational. Give him choices when you can, for instance, picking between two shirts, two cups, to pairs of underwear, picking between two things for lunch or snack. This will give him some freedom and make him feel more independent. It will also give him practice making choices, both good and bad, and seeing the corresponding consequences.

Hope this helps,

L.

For issues related to the mouth (back talking, disrespectful words, etc.) try either a Listerine strip or a touch of vinegar on your finger directly to his tongue.

It is safe (some anti bacterial soaps can be dangerous) and works!!!

Hi, S.,
Since we know children learn through imitation......where the heck is he learning this from? Is he in preschool? Can you talk to his teacher about it? Because behavior like that should not be tolerated in the classroom, any more than it is at home. However, that being said, it will continue in the classroom, no doubt about it, so you can only control what he does at home.

When I finally put my children in school (I homeschooled first) and they - my ever respectful children - started coming home with unacceptable attitudes/behavior/talking I just reminded them, "It doesn't matter what goes on in other people's houses, you don't live in those houses. In OUR home we treat each other with kindness and respect. And if I hear anything other than kindness and respect in your speech or your behavior, you will start losing privileges left and right. Is there any part of that, that is NOT clear?" Of course, my tone and my facial expression left them in little doubt that I was very serious! :)

Your son is not as old as my children, but you can still remind him that he needs to be respectful in his words and his actions. Then tell him that if he behaves disrespectfully again, he will lose (fill in a big privilege here). And then FOLLOW THROUGH!!! Because he WILL be disrespectful soon after that, just to test you. He will see your discipline as a challenge.

Do NOT back down. Do not apologize for it; do not let him see it upsets you to take it away. Remember YOU are the parent here, and we are all here to back you up in that! :) I know it's hard, but it has to be done. And you will be so glad that you stuck with it, because he will see that 1) his actions have consequences and 2) you will be consistent in the discipline.

Blessings and good luck!
J.

OH! I just saw where you're located. I don't know if you ever take him to the Children's Museum or Holiday Junction (Cinti Museum Center) but THAT would be a huge privilege to lose, and one he would not soon forget.

We haven't hit the 4s yet, but we're in the 3s, and it's getting challenging. For us, the best thing that's worked so far is taking away things (which I know you said hasn't been effective). We take away BIG important things - his favorite blanket, the pajamas he wanted to wear that night, the TV shows he likes to watch in the evening.

If he's particularly well-behaved, we make it a point to let him know how well he acted and how proud we are. We're also starting to do a special day once/month with Mom and Dad alone. It could be going to the library or the park, maybe a movie or McDonald's for lunch. If he acts-up and doesn't get in line, that will be taken away as a consequence.

Shiela....Have you tried spanking? I think that's a great idea. M. B.

A little bit of liquid soap in his mouth (since his problem has to do with his mouth) worked wonders for our boys. He's old enough to be able to spit it out so it won't hurt him a bit. But leaves a nasty tasting reminder.

Would recommend the book RAISING RESPECTFUL CHILDREN. This book is Christian based. Also, look on Amazon and go to Half Price Books. You'll find some other helpful books on parenting and discipline.