My Father Is Dying Before My eyes...what Can I Do? Sorry It's a Small Book.

You can invite yourself along at his next doc visit I suppose, but honestly you have NO RIGHTS when it comes to these types of things. You CANNOT live your parents lives. They are grown adults doing what they want to do and handling it the way they want to handle it. If either of them wanted your advice or help they would ask you for it.
I'm so sorry you have to stand back and watch.
Have you tried talking to your dad alone about any of it?
I know how you feel tho, we watched my stepdad croak from alcoholism related problems. Docs kept him alive for as long as they could on medications from gout to blood pressure. He wouldnt drop the vodka bottle tho, it's very distressing. He died at 68, some people just lose the will to live... and the will is the most powerful drug of all.

Whoa, so sorry you’re going through this. My answer comes from a perspective of multiple family crises over the years, involving sudden death, terminal illnesses and mental breakdowns, fortunately not all at once.

Here’s what I think, but at the end of the day you have to do what is best for *you*.

You’re probably going to hate me but … Let go of terms like “enabler” if you possibly can. It’s really satisfying to name the problem, but you’re going to have to find a way to get your mom to see the two of you as a team and putting psychological terms on her isn’t always helpful with that.

Also, is she really enabling? She sounds like she might be an overwhelmed person who has just given up.

A true enabler is very invested in the situation continuing because they get some sort of emotional payoff from it. The overwhelmed person would take help if they could be convinced that it’s possible to make a difference in their situation. The trouble is, they’ve gone so long without anything ever getting better that it’s tough to convince them things could change.

I agree you should start with your dad’s neurologist. Try asking for a consultation yourself to discuss your concerns about your dad. It would be ideal if you went with your mom, as it is possible that privacy concerns might prevent the doctor from totally confiding in you alone. But ask him yourself about your concerns even if your mom won’t go.

It is very tough to witness a situation like this when you’re not directly in the driver’s seat. Is there a Parkinson’s support group in your area? Or even one for families of people with depression? You could really benefit from connecting with other people facing similar situations.

I can’t stress enough the importance of trying to see everyone as a potential member of the team, however much their behavior is absolutely infuriating. In my experience, it’s impossible to get any traction when the people at the epicenter of the problem see you as judging them from the outside. (I.E., “You don’t really LIVE with this, you don’t understand!”) I’m not saying this is true in your case – I’m just saying that *if* you get perceived that way, it’s that much harder to help people. It’s really hard sometimes but you have to approach everything from a context of sympathy, not frustration.

I really feel for you and wish you all the best.

Sadly, there are health laws, privacy issues, so you can't do it yourself. However you can help him open up his world. Was he a vet? Did he have other things in his background that he needs to talk about? If he has no allergies, could you get him a pet or a bird or something? I'm not sure where your mother is an enabler. Perhaps I need to reread it. And how does that make your dad go or not go to the doctor? Perhaps you can call treatment centers or churches around here and get some people to give advice. Maybe he is very lonely if mom works all day. Maybe some tapes that are read alouds could help. Sounds like you care very much, consider him your hobby for awhile and see what else could help. If he can't have a nurse, maybe a college student can visit. There is a huge world out there. If he is locked into it, you can help open the door. Good luck. It is so hard to watch people we love and not know exactly what to do that would help.

You undoubtedly love your father very much, but your love is getting in the way of you giving him the dignity and respect he deserves. I work with seniors and see this more often than you think. The best thing you can do you already did, offer to go with him to appointments, but cannot force yourself in an area he appears to keep private. If you are more concerned for his capacity for himself you can consult with APS- Adult Protective Services. Upon consulting you may make a request for assessment and a social worker can investigate the concern. Good luck and hope he stabilizes.

First, I acknowledge how difficult this has been on you and other family. However, calling the dr. to get a referral and make the appointment will probably not do any good because of health care privacy laws.
In the short term, I would offer to take mom out for coffee, and (hopefully) calmly explain that you are very concerned about all of the changes dad's dr. seems to make, and his lack of progress. Then, I would discuss wanting a referral to another dr., perhaps for a second opinion? I would be careful with her about how you speak, so that it doesn't seem as if you are telling her what to do. You want to make suggestions, not TELL anyone.

In reading about dad, while I acknowledge that I can't "diagnose" from here, and am not a medical professional, it seems as if he is depressed and withdrawing. I would discuss this with your mom, and ASK how she feels about his health and their relationship. Although you say she is an enabler, it is still being respectful to consider how you'd feel if someone began to tell you what to do!
Additionally, I suggest you seek counseling for yourself, to help develop skills to cope with dad's illness, mom's enabling, etc. etc. This is a stressful situation, and one which could begin to effect your health in negative ways. Sometimes, when a family sees one person receiving counseling, it lets them see that others could benefit as well.
I wish you all the best!

Hi J., I'm so sorry about this difficult time.

In your post I hear frustration and a little panic that comes from a sense of loss of control (which is absolutely natural).

But I also hear so much love.

I wonder whether you can let go of the need to control, and let that LOVE lead the time you have left with your Dad? I mean instead of focusing on the fact that YOU CANNOT elongate is his life, and focus on enjoying his company?

Sending you strength and positive thoughts (especially for your Mom).

:)

Your father sounds depressed, they are probably other things going on, but depression can lead to many physical symptoms when left untreated for so long. Your mother has been dealing with this for so long, that she could probably benefit from therapy or a Drs care also. It is depressing to live with a depressed person, and be their sole care taker.

It is so hard when our parents age, and when they do not take care of themselves. I would make the call, and make the appointments, and just take him.

When my Grandmother got older, I accompanied her to many Drs appointments because she would not ask questions, I did not understand her medicines, dietary restrictions, etc. When I was living with her during part of my 20s, I saw how she did not comprehending her medical issues, nor take care of them. She really did not want me to get involved at first, but I, being stubborn, forced my way in.

Later in life, when she lived with me, I also took charge of her medical treatment, selecting physicians and specialists and overseeing her medication and diet.

If your father is 68, he should have Medicare -correct? You need to check into that, they may pay for a home health care aide to come in several times a week based on a Drs recommendation. Also, there are Senior companion programs in many cities, wherein, another Seniors checks on home bound Seniors. Both of these things may help alleviate some of the worry of him falling while home alone, and provide a social outlet.

Good Luck
God Bless

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I'm an STNA and currently working as a home health aid. Someone coming in to help your father would help, however, it seems like it may be time for you to step in and make the hard choices. Your mother doesn't seem to know what to do either and may just need someone to take over and get things done. Go to his doctor appointments and ask questions. Holistic doctors can help if it's a good doctor. My mother is seeing one for her colitis and has been an enormous help. If he's seeing a primary doctor and a holistic doctor it kinda seems like that's too much. Maybe if you do go to the doctor appointments you can help weed out the wack... I hope this helps. I know it's not easy to see your parents like this.

It sounds like depression to me. If your dad is clinically depressed, medication will help him. However you will need a diagnoses for that. Contact Social Services and explain what is happening to them. In most states it takes 3 people for him to be involuntarily commited. They can hold him and do the necessary testing and start him on medication. Hopefully they can convince his to continue the medication.
I looked into elder daycare and having someone come into my home to care for my Mom so I could work. The cost of these services in Wisconsin cost $600-$700/week. Medicare does not pay for this nor do they pay for a nursing home.
If he is falling a lot you will need to get him some kind of help in the home. It is time for a family meeting. Each person is going to have to try to rearrange their work schecule so someone can be there all the time with him.
If you do have to place him in a nursing home or assisted living situation the cost is astounding. Assisted living is $2500/month and a nursing home is $5000/month. If your parents do not have long term care insurance, the home will take a draft out of their bank account monthly until it is gone and once that money is gone they do a reverse mortgage on the home until that is gone. THEN medical assistance will pay for the nursing home. When the patient dies the home is sold so the nursing home can re-coup their losses. Talk to a probate/estate lawyer and see what can be done to protect your parents assets. In Wisconsin they would have to sign over the title of the house to one of their kids 5 years before entering a home. Long term care insurance is the best way to protect the family home and your Mom so she has a place to live.
I hope this helps. Good luck.