Caring for Widowed Mother

Hi P.,

Like you, I also care for my Mother's needs. My parents were married for 36 years when my father passed away. They had been together since she was 16. We recently put her property on the market and it just sold, so atleast that is behind us. If you could ever convince her to sell and move to something for seniors, not necessarily assisted living - even just an apartment complex for seniors - it would make a world of difference. My Mom lives in a very small complex where the people are all close and all over the age of 50. Some are ill and the others always check up on them. I really think it gives them a sense of importance - something that they all lack as they grow older and are retired or either have lost a spouse. My Mother lost my dad and then about 2 years ago, she had a stroke. It affected her memory some, but she luckily is still able to get around ok. She cannot drive due to Diabetes complications with her eyesight. She does go through depression and tends to feel sorry for herself - I have two younger brothers who do not help much and tend to only go and see her when they have to. I tend to try and make up for that, which makes my life simply crazy. I work full time, I am going to school (which by the way - I want to teach!) and have 3 daughters - one in college and two still at home that are involved in all sorts of activities. I have to do a balancing act to make it all work!! For a long time, I was bitter - at my brothers who would not lift a finger, and sometimes just sad that my Dad was gone and could not be there for her (He died of cancer @ 56 yrs old). I might add that taking care of her was one of his last requests to me. I guess the reason I am saying all of this is because sometimes life deals us a hand that is not fair. What we must do is make the best of it. If you are the only child, I am sure you are faced with all of the burden and feel very alone, especially if your husband doesn't get along with your Mom. I know mine just KNEW that after her stroke, I would be forever her caretaker and she would have no choice but to live with us. What I found out, was that she actually enjoyed being in her own place - regardless if its a one bedroom apartment OR a house. Stubborn she IS, though!!! It took about 2 years for her to realize that none of us had time to take care of her property, nor should she continue to pay taxes on a fixed income. Finally, she agreed to sell. I hate to think of the day that she will no longer be able to make it on her own, but I know that day will come and I'll be forced to make some sort of decision. All in all, maybe try speaking with her about your responsibilities and try making some sort of schedule (if you don't already do so!). Be firm when she asks you to do something for her that can wait if you already have plans. It seems like sometimes, I can spend an entire day with her - grocery shooping, the pharmacy, docs appointments - then she will wait till I get home and call and say she needs postage stamps!! LOL I know its just that she is lonely, but I have to tell her that it needs to wait until I can get back over there or either I will be back and forth every single day! As far as a vacation - my cousins and I just took our elderly Moms on a weekend trip where we pampered them...they had facials, they had pedicures, we took them out to eat. It was the first time we had done so, but it worked out so well we will make it an annual thing. Just an idea...a girls getaway is always good! So, take care and just know that there are so many others like you. You are doing the right thing by taking care of her and I am sure that some way, you and she can come to some sort of agreement if you sit and talk with her about your feelings. Best of luck and if you ever want to talk, feel free to send me a message!

~Kathleen

P. - your story really touches me, for while I am not in your situation, it is something I know may be in my near future. I too am an only child, my mother has Parkinson's disease and she depends heavily on my father. She has not driven in at least five years - and she would not be able to live on her own if something happened to my father. While he is in good health now, he is 75, and we all know how quickly things can change. So my heart goes out to you and your mother - and to your husband and daughter who are suffering their own loss of normalcy.

There are many medications for depression. I know you said that meds make her ill, but it may be worth visiting with a doctor and trying some other brands and doses. Greif is natural, but depression is a very real disease that may likely be preventing your mother from moving forward.

Have you considered becoming your mother's power of attorney? My concern is that she may become so unstable that she is a danger to herself - even if only by self neglect. How far away from your home does she live? Maybe you could suggest she move closer - to make it easier for both of you. There may come a point where you will have to insist that she make changes. Sell the car. Sell the house. Get help. I can only imagine how difficult it is - but you must be strong and start making osme of these decisions for her. Perhaps, write her a letter explaining how you feel and the changes you've seen in her - that way she can't argue with you. She may be very upset - but you have to remember that she is not well - and treat her as if she is ill and not just stubborn.

Best of luck to you, P.. Greif can consume a person and make them very selfish. Your mother loves you, and if she were thinking clearly she would want you to find balance and happiness.

It's understandable that you love your Mother - but your 6yo and husband love and need you. If you are not healthy - you can't be there for your own family.

I would stongly suggest that you seek out the advice and guideance of a family attorney. You should have a power or attorney in place for your Mother's health and overall financial oversight. If she is unable to take care of herself - she has no business taking care of her finances, etc.

You should also research and interview multiple assisted living facilities and see if moving her into one will be financially feesible. My own step-mom has had to do this with her own Mother - a very similar situation to yours.

Don't think of an assisted living facility as a nursing home where seniors are mistreated. If you research and interview them you should get a feel for how they are and will be - you can even do a test run on weekends in some places. She will be with others in her age group and make friends - she'll even be able to take trips if her health allows it.

For your sake and the sake of your family - start this process now before you risk your own well being and health.

i would try if yall have family esle where maybe she could go visit them for a week are so.maybe u could also try bringing her to stay with you one are two nites a week.you could also talk to her doctor about putting her on lexapro i take them and i get a upset stomach very easy but i have no problems out of the she needs a low dose to help with her dep.good luck.

My mother just moved in with us a few months ago. We have had good days and not so good, but I expected that trying to blend everyone. I did the same as you (but fortunately for me, my Mom still drives). Taking care of two households was too much, so we decided to have her move in before she got too disabled. My mom is very involved in several senior groups. She plays bridge, dominos, MahJongg, and does luncheons - and is very involved with her church. She is 84 and walks with a walker, but loves to go! I know this doesn't help much, but if your Mother would be willing to try one of the senior centers around and especially get involved in a church - that might help just getting her out. You could also think about hiring someone that would come and do some of the errands you do. I have a friend that does that for a lady. Just once or twice a week would help for a few hours. Let me know if I can help with hooking you up with the local senior center.

Dear P.--I know I'm a bit late in responding to your request, but I just HAD to write you when I read your letter. I had similar problems with my own mom after my Dad passed away suddenly in 1988. They had been married forty-something years then, and she went into a tailspin. She was depressed, too, and refused to get out of the house until she realized that she was going to literally go crazy if she didn't.

In the years that followed, she grew more and more restless and self-centered. She caused my brother and myself endless worries by her negative attitude and refusal to be even the slightest bit cooperative. We begged her for years to sell her little house which was in a declining neighborhood and move closer to the two of us. She absolutely refused until last year. She got so sick that she nearly died before any of us knew it. She spent several days in ICU with a bronchial infection and a white blood count over 30,000!

However, I'm digressing. What I suggest that YOU do regarding your mother is sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her about how her behavior is making you feel. Tell her what you told us about how much you love her and want her to be happy, but that she's sucking the life blood out of you. (Of course, don't put it in THOSE terms!!) Ask her, BEG her if you have to, to think about how her needs are causing you so much concern. When she's refusing to get any help, she's placing a tremendous burden on YOU, not herself.

Another suggestion: Do you have a general power of attorney for your Mom? If you don't, I suggest that you get one. With her poor health, you might be called upon to make decisions regarding her care in a hospital, and without a power of attorney, it could get a bit tricky. Also, it sounds like you probably have been keeping close track of her bills, and a general power of attorney will give you the right to actually make business decisions for her. This has made things a lot easier for my brother and myself.

Be prepared for the long haul with your Mom regarding her depression over the loss of your Dad. My Mom has been a widow for 21 years, and this is the first year she has been able to actually pull herself out of her depression. What did the trick, you may ask. She moved out of the house that they lived in together and now lives in a retirement apartment--and LOVES it! She has the cutest little place, loads of friends and lots of things to do. They provide meals there and transportation to and from places like the grocery store, bank, shopping mall, etc.

Your Mom needs to "wake up and smell the coffee". You may have to push her a bit in this direction, but be gentle. She has lost a huge part of her heart.

It sounds like you are a great daughter and care for your mom very much. Since you said that your mom can't move in with you due to the fact your husband and she would not get along, is all the time you spend straining your marriage at times? I am not totally sure what advice to give you as I know your mom has needs but I do know that you have to put a priority on your marriage and that you need to feel free to go out of town without feeling guilty. Mom is just going to have to give a little, even if there are serious problems. You cannot be her everything bc you are a wife and a mom and have to have something left for your family. You may have to set up boundaries. How about a schedule? Like stopping in three times a week to get the mail, visit, take her to the store etc. You could even tell her what the schedule is if you like so she knows what to expect. Now I have a couple questions, you said she doesn't move around well, is she a fall risk? Is she able to bathe herself? I am asking this because if she needs help bathing or is in danger of falling you will need to get her some help whether she wants it or not. There is a company called Sheltering Arms that send people in a couple times a week to do light housecleaning or bathing etc. With you going back to work, you might have to set this up for her and let the chips fall. These people are trained to deal with older people and of course you could be there for the initial meeting. I believe they can be paid through medicaid as well. The way you describe your mom makes me think there may be more going on than just her not wanting to do things, it sounds like she might really be having some effects of aging going on. The fact she is being super unreasonable and acting somewhat childlike leads me to think she could be dealing with some dementia etc and maybe it started in small signs years ago but having your dad to take care of took the light off of her issues and now they are front and center. I would research some signs of dementia and Alzheimers so you could at least rule that out. If you do find she is dealing with something physical as well as emotional it may help you know what steps to take next. Hang in there, I wish you all the best and hope I have been a little helpful.