Hello mamas and pappas
My father has stage 4 esophageal cancer. He doesn't share with me his prognosis, and our relationship is not one where I can ask. His wife is under my dad's rule, so I am also not comfortable sharing with her. This kind of cancer is known to be aggressive, so I am not holding out hope that he will survive more than maybe another year or two.
My 4.5 year old daughter is a very smart and sensitive girl who loves her grandfather a lot and I feel that I need to be honest with her but am not sure about an approach that is both straight but not terrifying. We live near a cemetery and she is often bothered by the knowledge of the dead in the cold ground under stones. I have attempted to explain the need for a burial place so people can go visit those they love, but she's not quite there yet.
We don't believe in heaven or God, so seeking out a priest isn't an option for us. (please no opinions here.
It's also that I don't want her to go to my father at a visit and have her blurt out (as four-year-olds often do) "hey grandpa when are you going to die?"
Does anyone have any opinions? Want her prepared and informed but not scarred...
Thanks!
Thank you all for your suggestions! I am also caring for my mother who has Alzheimer's so internet searches are much easier for me than going to the library.
I will look at the two books mentioned here, thank you. My daughter is an older 4 year old in that she is more advanced intellectually than her classmates. Not showing off, just stating it because it's relevant. Not telling her is not an option. I have got to tell her. She deserves to be a part of the family in all ways - not just the fun ways.
I have explained to her about my mother's illness, and she is very empathetic and loving towards my mom. Sometimes she says things like "oh is grandma saying/doing that because her brain is sick?" I will answer accordingly.
One and Done: Thank you. I am so sorry to learn about your loss. I know how bad it is. Surgery for him has been ruled out... It's in the liver. I've been reading like a fiend about this. I believe that my father is more ill than he is sharing, but wants to stay positive. I can't break that for him, but must protect my very curious and perceptive child.
Catwalk: I may take you up on your offer! thank you!
Thanks again, everyone. Am open to more ideas.
Hit the library - they have age appropriate books about illness, death, dying, granparent specific, etc. The librarians can help you find one that works.
Hi M.-
I am so sorry for your dad's diagnosis...esophageal cancer (reflux induced) is the fastest growing cancer in the US...:((((.
With respect to your child, I would not give ANY specifics regarding your dad. It is really impossible to predict how he will do. A 4.5 year old (even though sensitive and smart) might have a hard time dealing with an 'unknown' timeline.
As a book, I always recommend Leo Buscaglia's book called "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf"...It deals with death as part of nature/seasons...and allows room for injecting (or not) a spiritual perspective.
Please private me if you want..."MY" peter (the love of my life) was diagnosed stage 3 adenocarinoma of the esophagus in 2008...and recently had a node 'light up'. We just recently completed 39 days of radiation...9 chemo infusions...and an oral chemo during radiation days. More and more, THIS cancer (as well as others) are being treated more as a 'chronic' illness...beating it back with chemo periodically.
There is a good support group on line through 'ACOR"...google it...put in esophageal cancer...and this group has archives that you can search...and survivors...and care givers that are a WEALTH of information...They also have live chat, if that suits you...or you can review the archives for info.
I wish you (and your dad) well...
Again, PM me if you wish.
Best Luck!
michele/cat
Hmm... I've never been in the situation before, so I don't have any first hand experience. I have 3 kids, though, and my best friend is a child psychologist. Pardon me if I'm wrong. But I think your expectations may be a tad bit too high. She's 4. She can't possibly be prepared & not scared. Death is scary to us all, but especially to little kids who haven't even begun to wrap their minds around it. Compounded by the fact that you don't have any real info to go on because you either can't or won't ask your father, I'm not sure where you can go with this. Just off the cuff I'd say, can it not wait for a while? Kids that little really can't cognitively grasp that "Grandpa is dying" or will die at some future date. That's too abstract for them.
Wow that is hard. I am sorry for your news. I think I would find ways to casually mention that sometimes people die and it is sad but just part of life. You could leave it with "older people" for now so you don't freak her out like I feel that I did with mine. I have told my own kids that death is a part of life and every once in awhile one will start crying and saying, "I never want you to die!" I reassure them that even if I did then they would be just fine but that I hope I get to stay with them for a long long time! It is such a hard topic because you don't want to lie and say you will never ever leave their side but at the same time they need that reassurance. Either way, I think that you should tell her in some way, so that it is not super sudden and tragic for her because that might freak her out even worse.
There is a book, Waterbugs and dragonflies. It does not delve into God and heaven, just a simplified story of how some of us leave earth. I read it to my three year old - a few times - before our dog left us.
She is smart - and sees a negative view of a cemetery. You can't go into the logistics of that, but you can continue the way you have. You won't get instant results. You are teaching her. It will take time.
Good luck,
M.
I think I would just tell her that he's really sick and the doctors are trying to "make him better".
I agree.. go to the library and find soem books.. preread them to see which ones are written in a way that you like. wehn our doggie died.. I got a book about doggie heaven and it really helped my kids..
there are books about serious illnesses.. books about death..
I would not tell her till close to the end.. when he is really sick.. or she will just worry and fret ... and kids have no concept of time..
3 years later my kids still talk about our doggie dying.. my son sitll worries about dying.. the first death kids experience is very hard on them.
there are counselors taht can help you and your daughter..
Do not say anything to your daughter. Being four years old, she is sure to say something. You can do some generalizations, but that's it for now. You could get "The Fall Of Freddie The Leaf." It will help for when the time comes.
I would not even mention to her that he will die. You never know, he may live for another 5 years. Is he going thru chemo? my mother is law is going through chemo and we just told the kids she has a bad disease called cancer and the medicine will make her hair fall out and she won't feel good for a few months. but once the medicine is working and she feels better she'll be back to playing with us and coming over more often. End of story.To them the future is in 5 mins. If their grandmother does not make it then they don't need that on their plate of things to worry about for 5months or 5 years. My 4.5 year old has asked questions along the way and we've answered them as age appropriate as possible. i don't think at this age they understand what dying means. if she asks if he will die saying something like "at some time we all pass on but he's okay right now" which is the truth. so sorry about your dad!
